Not wanting what may be coming

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Sagittarius84, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. Sagittarius84

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    So a situation I find myself in increasingly, having a spouse whose libido is constantly occupied by "El Sueño"(sleep), there is this weird cycle where no sex for awhile gives me a case of blueballs( with all the associated physical, emotional, and mental consequences). The problem is twofold; first my dry spell probably won't break unless I mention it, which the very notion that I have to do so to initiate implies it's not that big of a deal to her, which in turn kind of kills my libido. Secondly, knowing Ill be doing most of the physical work during sex anyways gives masturbation a valid cost/benefit argument in lieu of actual sex, which also serves to kill my libido on a level...
    I don't really know how to resolve these things; as per the 1st issue, I know common knowledge is, " a closed mouth doesn't get fed" but lack of regular and plentiful meals as a routine implies there just isnt a comparable appetite by my counterpart, thus my request is them engaging in forcefeeding themselves.
     
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  2. Lovnflman

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    Welcome to the club. I've been a member for 5 years now!
     
  3. Sagittarius84

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    It's ironic really, ive read countless articles and heard testimonies from women about how the questionable quality(and numerous consequences)of possible sex makes them reluctant to engage in it casually, and beyond the consequence aspect I seem to be experiencing the same thing and it's damn scary. I wish the differences in possible libidos was something taught during sex ed.
     
  4. MariaMaria

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    So, how are you currently dealing with all of this?
     
  5. Sagittarius84

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    Blueballs, mild insomnia, a general sense of malaise, all things caused by a lack of sexual fulfillment, made worse by no quiet or secure space to masturbate, and a growing aversion to being the only one rowing the sex canoe.
     
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  6. MariaMaria

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    That sounds like a really tough situation. Are you looking at potential solutions? You say you don't know how to resolve this, but if you were to do a brainstorming session and list any possible solutions, what would those be?
     
  7. Sagittarius84

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    It's really out of my hands at this point. If i tell her exactly how I feel about the situation then any sex henceforth sets up a conflict in my mind, where I don't know if she's earnestly wanting sex or is just doing so to avoid the consequences of sexlessness. Basically I feel like if i have to tell her there's a problem to make her aware of it, was it really a problem for her?
    So the only possible solutions lie within the realm of fantasy; I'd need the mutant power of boosting libido, as well as the power to alter her sleep requirements.
     
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  8. afunk13

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    You need to take things into your own hands literally. When there's a will there's a way to masturbate. If you do that you'll likely feel a bit better. You're not going to leave your partner by your posts on here so why also make yourself miserable? Your partner is not responsible for you getting off all the time.
     
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  9. MariaMaria

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    I think you have more choices than you realize. Evidently, getting your needs met with someone else is not an option for you. That's a choice you're making; yet the thread title states you don't want what may be coming. Can things really change if you continue doing the same?
     
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  10. sensless

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    Do you mean sleep figuratively, or is it really a sleeping problem? As in going to sleep too early, before you have time for sex?

    If I understood correctly from this and other posts of yours, in your place there aren't real boundaries. Like everybody coming and going from all spaces when they please. In a house with children, boundaries are necessary to allow the couple to have intimacy without being worried about interruptions.

    Perhaps you two should talk about it.
     
  11. Sagittarius84

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    You're absolutely right it isnt her responsibility, I'm just concerned her actions are implying it isn't her pleasure to do, or even a priority for her at all.
    And I've been a stay-at-home dad for almost yr now with a 2yr old who doesn't close his eyes or leave proximity of my shadow for more than 2 mins at a time..I literally am never alone without the possibility of interruption and the anxiety makes it that much longer to get a satisfactory orgasm as opposed to simply the inevitable reflex of ejaculation. Last time I was able was probably just after my son's 2nd birthday for about a month as he was still taking naps, so we're talking about a 9 month stretch so far.
     
  12. sensless

    sensless Well-Known Member

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    I think this explains a lot. She's probably just under the same pressure you are, I mean, finding it difficult to envisage sex when the little ones are taking so much of your time and space. If masturbation is already difficult to organize, I imagine sex.
     
  13. afunk13

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    I have a younger child too. There's time in showers when your partner is home or before or after bedtime. You have to make time for you. It might take you awhile to figure it out but you'll be happy when you do.
     
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  14. Nakedwalker

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    How long has she been like this?? Was it sudden or has it been slowly developing?? There are a number of health issues that could be the root cause. Is she taking anti-depressants or other meds. She could have a hormone imbalance or other libido destroying condition. Suggest she schedule a check-up with her regular doctor and then schedule an appointment at a women’s clinic. Her problem MIGHT be something that is easily corrected.
     
  15. Sagittarius84

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    She's always liked sleep, it's literally a recreational thing for her. Lazy would be a harsh term, because she does work a lot. But her sleep requirements are so much greater than mine considering we have literally walked in each other's shoes in just about all aspects of our household short of childbirth. Obviously bad habits like smoking and factors like prescriptions play a part, but even before then, prior to even our son's birth her ideal leisure activity at downtime was movie/tv show-nap combo. It's just now with two children our sleep opportunities have decreased, but only I have adjusted my sleep requirements to preserve time for sex.

    You're right about the boundary issue and it's something I've brought up multiple times over the yrs with little to no results. That's not to say that I'm not complicit in fostering that lack of boundaries, because I'd be lying if I said they didn't afford me a sense of convenience and ease in running the household. But the age difference and sibling power dynamic almost necessitates an open door policy, because we can't quite yet trust our daughter can, or even will look out for his best interests of her own volition.
    Humour has been my crutch so far. We share a lot of it, sometimes even about the difference in our libidos so there's not this overbearing environment of sexual unhappiness going on. And a lot of my writing here is the process by which I can shield most other aspects of our lives from our sexual issues. She has recently brought up the notion that a decrease in duration of sex could potentially increase the frequency of said quickies; an option I've attempted but yet to see dividends. And that still leaves the question of fulfillment because while I could probably ejaculate within 45 secs if need be just based on pure reflex, I have never had an real orgasm from a quickie.

    That's the real crux of my title, I'm not so naive as to say I've descended into sexlessness yet, or that it's even on the horizon. The issue is my only feasible choice right now is to settle for a sexual experience that is apparently fulfilling for her, while simultaneously effortless and unfulfilling for me
     
  16. Sagittarius84

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    Been to the doctor before pills have already been adjusted so there is libido present, she's definitely sexually affectionate and the anchor spot in all this is she displays an attitide of wanting sex to be a fulfilling experience for us both. But I'm starting think our situation is headed towards what would've been apparent had there been a string of sequels to "Rudy". For all the time, dedication, work, and positive attitude you have that shines in a couple of key plays, for the good of the team you either need to self increase your ability or step aside for the good of the team assuming that is your intention. I have to wonder if at this point, what if this is all she's got, what positive aspects of myself are worth sacrificing by adjusting my expectation of what fulfillment is? Am I doing anyone in the family a favor myself included, by moving the goalposts?
     
  17. CuriousGeoff

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    I'm in a similar situation. When we have sex, it is good, but it doesn't happen that often. Also, like many of you, I am the one who always initiates it and usually have to do all the work also. My wife also regularly falls asleep early on the couch, so I end up going to bed alone.

    I'm going to talk to her about seeing someone for possible depression. I have to take medicine for anxiety, and it helps, but I think she might need something too. I think she's in a rut and bored with life overall, not in the bedroom, but in general. I need to find a way to help her.
     
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  18. used2bgood

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    I have been in the sexless position for going on 5 years now. (I'm 70 she's 68) She has no desire for sex or to possibly try to fix it.
    She is happy with hand holding and thinks that it is enough. If I demand more and she complies, I lose any of the great feelings that go with sex and it turns into a duty feeling.

    My solution is to hold her hand and masturbate every morning before she gets up, to porn. She's happy and I am getting a release of pent up needs.
     
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  19. Sagittarius84

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    So, I talked to my wife about our lack of sex, again...and honestly communication doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. I feel like now that I put the issue out there any resolution that arises(none in the past 48hrs) is not going to be because she wants sex, but because she doesn't want to bear the presumable consequences of having an unsexed husband.
     
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  20. NedF

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    I am in a similar situation. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex (if ever). For me/ us, I found just the right frequency and days in her work schedule that almost guarantee she will willingly participate when invited. Fortunately for me I am able to find plenty of 'me time' throughout the week and when I can't, there's always the shower...
     
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