Not sure where to draw the line...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mindcandy, Nov 4, 2008.

  1. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    Does your boyfriend or girlfriend have many friends of the opposite sex? How do you interact with these friends? Are you friends with them, or do you feel jealous or intimidated by them? How do they act towards your boyfriend or girlfriend?

    My girlfriend has lots of guy friends, some are my friends too but some aren't, and I don't always go with her when she hangs out with them. However it seems like some of her "friends" want to be more than friends. It's clear to me and her that we are in a closed relationship, but I just don't know where I should draw the line without looking like an asshole and stopping her from seeing her friends when I'm not around, since work and school have made it hard to see her more than once a week.
     
  2. Dreama

    Gold Member

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    Talk to her, and tell her how you feel. What do some of these guys do that make you feel like they want more?
     
  3. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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    I've got alot of guy friends and my boyfriend has alot of girl friends as well, it's kind of natural to be friends more with the opposite sex. It's like a weird balance. With my guy friends, we pretty much chill and hang out with no weird feelings at all. It's strictly platonic and I haven't had any problems with them liking me for the most part. In the past some would confess how they feel or try to do something and that's when i'd either distance myself from them or i'd stop the friendship, depending on how disrespectful they are to me. My friends don't really hang out with my boyfriend since it's a long distance relationship but when I visit my boyfriend and we're with his friends, it's really the most awesome interaction because they're all really cool and treat me like one of the guys instead of 'oh it's a girl/piece of ass' because we're all just being ourselves . Our mutual friends are there for support and they're just really great to be around. The girls who are his friend i'm not too excited about because I tend to not like girls much anyway and then I always feel awkward about them and slightly jealous because I wish I could be there where they are since im in an LDR with my boyfriend, but aside from that, those are the relationships i have with friends.

    For your gf you just need to tell her how you feel, if you're unsure or uncomfortable about anything ever, you two need to speak up about it. It'll only make it better for your relationship. Communication is key.
     
  4. FlirtyChick

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    Tell her how you feel, then do not under any circumstances forbid her to see her friends. I understand insecurity and jealousy in a relationship, and now I am neither. My husband can do what he wants with whom he wants. It's like I tell him, if he decides he wants someone else more than me go for it. I don't need him anyway in that case. Once you clamp down on someone they will want to run from you.....
     
  5. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    It's very liberating to set someone free and watch them NOT run off. Then you know they actually want to be with you. Can ya dig it?
     
  6. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    I've never really thought of it that way...but isn't that sort of like giving her permission to follow through with one of my worst fears?:ugh
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    I suppose it is. But then, she might do it whether you give her permission or not, so what do you lose?

    Really, if that's one of your worst fears, then you need to dig inside yourself and find what's causing that insecurity. When you find it, rip it out and throw it away. You don't need it. It's causing you fears that may or may not have any basis in truth. But even if there is basis in truth, why fear it? If it's going to happen, it's going to happen whether you fear it or not. If you fear it, you might make it more likely to happen. So, don't fear it.

    BD
     
  8. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    From what I've read, you both have quite a lot of insecurities and jealousies. Answer me this: when she expresses jealousy of you, how does that make you feel? Some people like being held on a chain, and some people despise it. Which are you? You should also talk to her about it and find out which she is. If you're both thoroughly happy being jealous and possessive of each other, then by all means have at it! If you both are NOT happy about each other being that way, then you should reconsider those feelings and how you handle them.

    BD
     
  9. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    I lose my values by claiming to express moral standards that are not of my own. I try to dig deep, I try to find myself but its complicated and its a work in progress. I'm a paranoid person, and having that as an option makes it even more likely to happen in my opinion, which is exactly what I DON'T want.

    Honestly, I feel flattered when she gets jealous of me. I've talked to her about it, she feels the same way but I can tell that she gets bothered by how I react towards my own insecurities/jealousy. So I guess we're not too happy with how things are going, although we both really care about each other.
     
  10. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Welcome to the world of relationships, my friend.

    BD
     
  11. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    What is the root of these feelings? Has your girlfriend ever cheated on you before? Is there any reason to think that she would? If the answer to both of these questions is no then you need to step back and ask yourself why you feel so jealous and paranoid.
     
  12. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I just dealt with a similar situation and made a thread about it, perhaps it might help:

    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=19946

    The guy didn't try anything with her when they went out last Friday, but he did call her on Sunday to see if she wanted to go out again, and she said no. She ended up drawing the line in the sand for this guy...

    I know I can trust my g/f and that is what gives me peace of mind. I feared this guy might try something without her consent, but that was more my fear of being away from her and him buying the Hummer, which I thought was weird.

    Now this morning she told me she is going out to lunch with another co-worker (guy) who just came back to work this week. Yet it doesn't bother me.

    I know that no one on this earth can treat her any better than I do.

    I know I blow her mind in bed and am the best lover she ever had.

    It is a bit egotistical, but you need to find that confidence in yourself to be with a beautiful woman. If not, you will never have a trusting relationship with her, and in the end that will end your relationship anyway.

    Most guys I know don't give their g/f the freedom I give mine... it all comes down to their insecurities and fears.

    If your worst fear comes true and she leaves you for another guy - is she really someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

    By letting her be herself and have the freedom to hang with whoever she wants, she will most likely love you more for that trust, and reward you for it.

    Just always treat her like a queen... make sure no guy can ever teat her any better than you treat her. That will eliminate 99.9% of the competition out there, trust me.

    The worst thing you can do is tell her who to hang with... once you cross that line, it is very difficult to ever gain her trust back. She will always have it in the back of her mind that you are trying to control her life...
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Were we seperated at birth, Flite? :lol I don't know another guy who would give my wife the freedom I've given her. Keeping in mind that we are "trying" an open marriage, even her 22 yr old boy-toy has said that he doesn't see how I can let her do him, and that he doesn't think he could do the same thing. (Of course, he may change his mind by the time he's my age.)

    I do have to say that there is some balance required with the "friends of the opposite sex" situation in terms of protecting your relationship. (Flite, sounds like your GF made the choice to protect your and her relationship by telling him "no" to Sunday. Brava for her.) IF you tell your partner that something non-trivial is making you uncomfortable AND he/she does it anyway, you're getting a pretty strong signal that they might not care quite as much about your feelings as you do about theirs. But again, the question you have to ask yourself is "if it's more important to this person to do what they want versus protect our relationship, do I really need them anyway?" Life has a way of working itself out if you just leave it alone and let nature run it's course.

    BD
     
  14. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    While it would be a turn on to see my g/f having sex and I could watch her, I draw the line at anything beyond friendship with other guys.

    I think it would open up a huge can of worms and she would eventually resent me for it.

    I'd never stand in the way of her happiness, but, if she wanted to have sex with another guy I would just break things off so she could do whatever she wishes.
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Smart man. Sometimes conservative choices are the best ones.

    BD
     
  16. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    See, this isn't my worst fear. If this happened, I was have peace of mind because at least my worries would be validated. However, I'm more concerned about it happening without me knowing about it. The way I see it, I'd rather stay with her forever in a completely exclusive, closed-relationship...or not be in a relationship at all.
    I am a very generous person, but I will not share hearts.
     
  17. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    IMHO (and you are more than welcome to disagree wth me), showing her possessiveness and jealousy are the best way to insure that it happens without you knowing about it. Choose here...would you rather have complete candor and honesty (in which case she can freely admit if there's someone she thinks is attractive), or would you rather feel completely secure in your relationship even if it's false sense of security (meaning, she hides it from you if she feels attracted to someone). There's no wrong answer...you just have to choose which you'd prefer. And then tell her. (That's called "communication". ;) )

    BD
     
  18. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    Well, I have told her that I won't be mad at her if she is completely honest with me, and she is open with me. However, I tend to try to step in at inappropriate times which I am afraid will discourage her from telling me more things.

    For example, a few weeks ago she had a rough day at work, and she was probably just venting but she mentioned this coworker who knows that she has a boyfriend, yet continues to flirt with her and touch her. I found this to be an unacceptable thing to do to her so I offered to talk to the guy, but she said it would just make working with him more difficult. I mean, I was trying to help her because I know she was put into an uncomfortable situation, but ultimately she became annoyed that I was getting into this guy's "business" when I was convinced that he was the one at fault getting into her business. I can't push this belief out of my mind, so I can't suddenly change my opinions of the situation, but I respected her choice not to do anything and we haven't talked about it since.

    Now, this was a case where it was an unpleasant experience that she told me about. The thing is, she's incredibly attractive so she's got plenty of guys that want to be all over her, so I feel its only a matter of time until someone makes a move on her that she doesn't resent as much and doesn't mention to me...I know, I'm a chronic worrier.
     
  19. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    We both are in the same situation... we have attractive g/fs that other guys hit on a lot... we both also have g/f who have co-workers who want them.. etc... so I can relate about as well as anyone to what you are dealing with...

    Like you, there are times I want to step in and talk to some of the guys who do things I find unacceptable with my gf...

    I was at dinner the other night and these 3 guys who were from a stag party kept coming to our table and asking my g/f if they could take their picture with her...

    I started to get pissed and I wanted to get up and egg all of their skulls, but I calmly asked them to leave her alone... then made it known if they came back to our table I wouldn't be so nice.

    If I flipped out I would of just embarrassed her and looked like a neanderthal in front of her.

    You just have to learn how to handle these kinds of situations without getting pissed. It's hard... but you gotta do it, or she will lose respect for you.

    Also, women hate when you try to solve their problems. When your g/f told you about the guy touching her, she just wanted to vent to you... she just wanted you to listen. Don't try to solve her problem... she is a big girl and can take care of herself.

    She knows if you go talk to this guy it will probably get nasty and cause problems for her at work.

    In the end you just gotta trust her to be loyal to you and to handle her own problems. If she wants your help, she will ask, believe me.
     
  20. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    Yeah, that sounds like the best route to go...thanks. I guess I'm thinking into things too much.