Not sure what to do about this?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Martin_Baker, Aug 8, 2007.

  1. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    This is a weird one.....

    Ok I've just started seeing a girl so we don't know each other very well yet.

    I've always been a fairly quiet person and I'll never talk just for the sake of talking, I'll only talk if I have something to talk about.

    So whenever me and the new girl are spending time together, whether in the car or at home, I just go through quiet periods where we're not talking about anything so I don't really say much. This obviously leads her to think there's something wrong so she'll ask me "What's wrong?" or "What are you thinking?".

    Truth be told, there is absolutely nothing wrong and I'm just enjoying unwinding because I'm at home and not at work, and I'm not really thinking of anything, I'm just "zoned out".

    So when I get the "What are you thinking?" and it catches me by surprise I come back with "nothing really". Well she doesn't believe me and then just thinks there's some problem I don't want to talk about, when there is no problem.

    If you're still reading and have got your head around this, then I want to say she really is not the clingy or needy type, she just wants to know what's going on with me.

    Anyway my problem is that she is not the first girl I've gone through this with. Every single girl I've had any meaningful relationship with has done exactly the same thing. And no amount of saying "there's really nothing wrong" is able to convince them there's nothing wrong.

    So, after all that, what's wrong with me? What do I need to change so that I stop giving off the wrong signals. I am a very happy person, always smiling, I just don't always talk a lot.
     
  2. cbrmale

    Gold Member

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    I'm quiet a lot of the time, but sometimes talkative when in the mood. I think a lot of thoughtful men are quiet, and many women understand this from my experience. In your case, there may be more than saying nothing.

    I suspect that your are either too quiet too much of the time, and need to be more conversational with your partner, or you have a facial or body language thing that your girlfriends are picking up on. Women do pick up on facial expressions and body language very quickly, so if you feel you aren't too quiet too much of the time then maybe your girlfriends are sensing something is 'wrong' by the way you look.
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    How about sitting down and discussing your mannerisms. Share your feelings in regard to conversation vs. cluttered chit-chat. Explain that it actually is a sign of contentment and compatibility when you feel the freedom to 'zone out' while winding down.

    Like you, I tend to enjoy quiet times, especially while riding in a car. Some people, however, find "quiet" very annoying. It makes them a bit nervous. Don't know why, but it does.
     
  4. jgood4u

    jgood4u New Member

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    chatty vs quiet

    Some people are babbling brooks, while others are more like the Dead Sea - it flows in from the river Jordon, but it doesn't go out anywhere. No one knows you, but you yourself, and if you are going to have true intimacy with a partner, beyond physical sex, you will need to communicate something about yourself to that partner and learn something about her. She is really trying to get to know you, to find out what makes you tick, but unless you let her inside, she will feel shut out, and rejected. You see, it just doesn't feel like a relationship if she isn't getting to know you from the inside out.

    Further, she doesn't feel that you are interested in her, because you are not asking about her feelings and getting to know her from the inside out either.

    You need to understand just how she is feeling about this "relationship" and her feeling that she can't contribute because she doesn't know you or how to make her contribution. There are books on this subject and I'll not write another one here and now, but just to say you have to see how you are hurting her and open up for the sake of the whole relationship. Once she knows you a lot better, and knows how to take with you, she will not feel bad when you close down to think because then she will understand she is not the cause of it, and you really are happy being quiet.
     
  5. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Yeah, I guess some people are just uncomfortable with silence. I mean if you're not saying anything then you must be thinking something (possibly something negative) about them, right? Even when it's nothing the sort. You mentioned that you'd just started seeing this girl so I'm guessing you're relationship hasn't gotten to the point where can just sit quietly enjoying each other's company and not feel as if you have to say something.

    You should explain that the reason you're not saying anything is simply because you don't have anything to say - not because you're conspiring against her. :) Good luck!
     
  6. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I am like you... the silent type. Or I was...

    When I was younger I always just talked when I had something to say. People who talked too much used to annoy the hell out of me. I was the type who could be at a party and be totally comfortable sitting there without saying a word... most people aren't that way however.

    I can talk for hours with someone I just met, if I like. Other times I just don't feel like talking.

    My g/f used to ask me what was wrong or what I was thinking about when I didn't talk... when I said nothing she didn't believe me. So I learned to express myself with her. It was actually quite easy....

    If I was sitting there watching TV and not saying a word... then she asked me what I was thinking, I told her exactly what was on my mind.

    "I was just thinking if I should try a new curve on my composite stick"

    "I was just thinking about fucking your ass"

    "I was just thinking about how much it annoys me when you complain about... "

    Whatever I was thinking about I just told her. It made things 10x easier

    The other day a hot girl skated by us on rollerblades while we where taking a walk... and she asked if I thought she was hot. So I said ya she is smoking! "She has a great ass just like you"

    When she came home with her hair cut short a few months ago, she asked what I thought. I said it is ok, but you know I love it long.

    I just say what I feel and don't hide anything from her. We agreed to be totally honest and I keep my promise each and every day.

    Try it and you will be surprised how it will bring you closer to your g/f.
     
  7. xplodez

    xplodez New Member

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    I am the same way some times, if i am very tired and just not in the talking mood i wont say anything , and my gf always asks whats wrong, what are you thinking about, i just tell her flat out, im just very tired and am not thinking about anything at all im actually just zoned out a bit.. she usually just says oh ok i thought maybe something was wrong, but i just tell her flat out im just very tired and when i do i just kind of zone out.. its quite funny to find out that it actually happens to other people too lol.


     
  8. scorpio_nymph

    scorpio_nymph New Member

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    i suggest you explain all this to her exactly the way you did us. tell her there's nothing wrong with you, you're "enjoying unwinding", enjoying her company, etc...
    if it still irks her after that then it's probabaly not gonna work out.
     
  9. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    Hi everyone, thanks very much, there's some great stuff here. I know it's something i need to work on. Unfortunately I won't get to see her before the end of next week, I'm on nights and she works days. She's going away this weekend.

    Anyway it sounds like I should just explain to her how I am, and that it's also something I can work on.

    I've never been good at opening up to anyone, that's just the family I was raised in. But I want to work on it.
     
  10. quencho092

    quencho092 New Member

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    i am exactly like this. i think my ex didnt like it at all. good, that relationship was a wreck before it started.

    but i need my quiet time. i cant force conversation. if i have nothing to say, i dont make some shit up. if i feel like just siting there and staring at my date, or at the ceiling, i do it.