Not sexually attracted to new girlfriend!!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Joseph S., Oct 7, 2007.

  1. Joseph S.

    Joseph S. New Member

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    Hey everyone, for the last two months I've been dating a new girl and I've absolutely fallen in love with her. When I'm with her it just feels right, and I can truly say that I've never had this expereince towards another woman before. She's smart, sexy, beautiful, and to top it all off she's got a wonderful attitude and a great character. But here's the problem: When I'm with her I feel a deep sense of love, but there's no sexual feeling at all. Don't get me wrong, my feelings towards her are not like those of a friend or a family member. When I see her, I want to be close to her carress her, and kiss her but all in a non sexual manner.

    To make things worse, recently she's been hinting at wanting a more intimate relationship. However, I just haven't been able to take it to the next level. I can tell that she's really getting fustrated and so am I. Something like this has never happened to me before, and I really don't know what to do. Has anyone else out there had a similar expereince?? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
     
  2. Bluesy

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    Do you feel sexual attraction towards other women? I mean, is this problem exclusive to your relationship with your gf, or would you say this lack of desire is normal for you?
     
  3. Joseph S.

    Joseph S. New Member

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    O shoot I just noticed I made two identical threads, mods feel free to lock the other one. And to answer your question Bluesy, yes I definitely do feel sexually attracted to other women. But for some reason not my girlfriend. I do feel a very deep sense of love towards her though :(.
     
  4. Bluesy

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    The thing is, at some point you're going to have to 'fess up to your gf, otherwise she's going to think you're cheating on her, gay, or she's so hideously unattractive that you have to force yourself to sleep with her. How do you think she would feel if you told her that you aren't sexually attracted to her? Do you think it would affect her decision to remain in the relationship? Do you think a one-sided relationship like yours is capable of surviving long-term?

    Personally, I just don't see it happening. For a successful life-long friendship, you've got all the key ingredients. For a romantic relationship, you're missing a vital element that is going to have a severe (and negative) impact on things sooner or later. That's what differentiates a friendship from a romantic relationship: sex.

    P.S. I deleted the other thread; no worries!
     
  5. Joseph S.

    Joseph S. New Member

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    Personally, I don't think a relationship without sex would last long at all. She's given me numerous hints at wanting sex, and last week she even asked me why I wasn't interested. I kind of brushed it off and told her I was going through a very stress filled month. I could really tell she was dissapointed and even a little bit angry at me for rejecting her like that. The thing is, I keep on thinking that eventually I'll start feeling sexual desires for her, but it's just not happening.

    Also, I don't really want to just flat out tell her "I'm not physically attacted to you" because I'm afraid it could prove fatal to our relationship. The weird thing is she's one of the most stunning women I've met in my life. I have a feeling that if I wasn't so in love with her I would be drooling all over her. It's a very strange scenario..... it's almost as if sex for me has become something purely animalistic.
     
  6. Bluesy

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    Well, I've known gorgeous guys I haven't felt sexually drawn to, I've had friends who weren't sexually attracted to their hot friends...it happens sometimes. Crazy, but true. If you feel like this is a new phenomenon for you, this division between love and sex, you could always talk to a counselor about it. I suppose it is possible that your mind has, for some obscure reason, decided that love and sex cannot coexist. :shrug

    So I'm just curious, what motivated you to become romantically involved with this woman if you don't have even the slightest urge to sleep with her? Why wasn't a friendship with her satisfactory?
     
  7. Joseph S.

    Joseph S. New Member

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    Well, I've known her for quite a while and I've always admired her. But what I fell in love with was her kind and gentle nature. It was sort of a spontaneous thing; I just couldn't help myself. In my mind, I just can't bear to be only friends with her. Maybe this has something to do with my ex gf. Our relationship was 99% about the sex. I can say that I honestly didn't "love" her. In fact, I broke up with my ex because of my feelings for my current gf. This whole thing's just messed up, and I really feel like a pathetic loser.
     
  8. jgood4u

    jgood4u New Member

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    Is there any sense that she is too nice or pure or or too good, that you feel like you would defile her to suggest sex -- anything along those lines? Do you avoid looking at her in a sexual way, like you avoid looking at her breasts. What about touching her in any sexual way, even kissing her?
     
  9. Bluesy

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    It sounds like maybe you were so fed-up with having a superficial relationship with your ex, that you went to the opposite extreme in selecting a new partner. I don't think it's at all pathetic...most people follow their heart's lead in relationships and forget how important it is to listen to what reason and gut instinct are saying (my love relationship history being a prime example :eyes). So maybe you were a little too rational. There are worse crimes ;) You do realize that you'll have to come clean with her, though, yes? It isn't fair to her to keep her in the dark; she has a right to know what's really in your heart. You can't have a good relationship without respect, and you can't have respect without honesty. She may be upset at first, but it sounds like you have a very strong friendship--something like that is not so easy to destroy.

    Hey, there's an interesting thought!
     
  10. Ryan102

    Ryan102 New Member

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    Does she by any chance remind you of a family member or relative????.... sometimes if she reminds you of a family member or relative you wouldnt think of her in a sexual manner... i dont know:ugh

    i wish you luck though
     
  11. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I have the same problem only different. I have a lady friend that I go places with. I stay at her place and she stays at mine at times. My body will not respond to her. She is 70 and looks it. I am 68 and look that also. People nearing 70 are not a sexy sight to see. I do get turned on by women much younger. My friend and I have talked about this and she understands. I do satisfy her at times. Fingers and tongue are under my control. :ugh:ugh
     
  12. Barbwire

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    Here's my take on this. You do not love her as a potential mate or life partner, only as a friend. What you have is a "friend crush".

    I know the feeling. I have fallen in love with friends before. Yes, love. You know, can't wait to see them, think about them all the time, love every minute you spend with them, maybe get jealous of other people that vie for their attentions and time. Yeah, that sounds like the kinda love you are in.
     
  13. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    I find this frustrating...

    ...it is IMPOSSIBLE to 'absolutely fall in love' with a woman and NOT feel a profound sexual attraction to her.

    I love my sisters, profoundly.

    I love my daughters, profoundly.

    I have zero sexual attraction to them.

    I saw a woman today at the grocery store that I felt a profound sexual attraction to while I was getting shrimp for the grill this evening. I did not want her to be my sister or daughter.

    Are you getting this? Let this woman know, ASAP, you love her like a sister and let her go. Be friends. Be very good friends. it is absurd in the extreme, in my humble opinion, to continue this relationship on a boyfriend/girlfriend level and not be sexually attracted to her. At the very minimum it's not fair to her never mind what it is you are doing in the relationship.
     
  14. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    See...

    ...that's the thing; it's not crazy, it just 'is'.

    You, we, like, are turned on by, whomever it is that we like, whomever turns you on regardless of who is 'hot' or 'conventionally' beautiful or whatever it is. People who are turned on by Julia Roberts, just for instance, are odd. People who are not turned on by Katherine Zeta Jones are broken.

    At least to me.

    And Bluesy's last question should be answered; what would make you pursue a romantic relationship with someone who does not make you feel...romantic?
     
  15. miss_playful101

    miss_playful101 New Member

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    Lol I like this analogy its dead right you've got friend crush!

    You might also have rose tinted glasses and be putting her on a pedistool in your mind as your beautiful flawless angel. And to think sexually about her would only crush and pervert this little dellusion. Try seeing her dark side, believe me all women have em and let go of needing to see her in a pure light. This might help inspire that animal urge toward her more.

    And look up the term 'Madonna-whore complex', Im not suggesting this is your problem but it doesn't hurt to investigate.

    Good luck
     
  16. smair82

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    Have you considered that she is that perfect that if you have sex with her that it may not live to the other high standerds you have for her, so you are surpressing sexual desire to prevent any form of disapointment.

    When I was younger I went through a stage of not being able to get it up because I was scared I wouldn't be any good and my girlfreind was the most beautifulll aldie I have ever met. I still measure every women too her, but through talking it through with my partner it happened naturally.
     
  17. fantasien

    fantasien New Member

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    This sounds a lot like my very first relationship. It was all pretty much just us making out for hours. sometimes not even coming out of her bedroom. But a question for you, Do you feel that maybe you don't want to have sex with her because you fear that it's going to change your connection with her? Like, if you have sex, then your feelings about her are going to be different? That maybe your feelings are more about you wanting to make the dynamics of her that makes you fall in love with her so much might the same?
     
  18. Kahurin

    Kahurin New Member

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    I like the way cowboy lover put it :D She always has good advice haha.

    Everyone else was write too. When I started my relationship with my husband...We had sex before we were even going out haha well the next day we were haha.

    I find sex as a way to really get to know someone spiritually. I donno how to explain that but i find thats its an important role in a relationship.
     
  19. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    This is indeed strange. I am with the original poster in that I can't understand knowing a girl is extremely beautiful, my girlfriend, an not wanting to have sex with her.

    I think you might be intimidated by how beautiful she is. Therefore, you are preventing yourself from trying to make it sexual for fear of screwing it up.
     
  20. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    I'd also add this:

    The likelyhood of your telling her that you aren't sexually attracted and you staying with her are probably zero. The chances of you remaining friends after telling her are probably also close to zero.

    Why don't you try it(sex with her).... you might suprise yourself and actually fall truly head over heels for her. The emotional connection is there (which is extremely rare to the level you have it). Try the physical and see if a light switch turns on.