Not interested in sex.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Onxymornatic, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. Onxymornatic

    Onxymornatic New Member

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    Hi. this is my 1st real posting here, so here goes.

    I have been married around 9 months and to this day my wife and I have not had intercourse at all, infact for the last 7 months (apart from the odd day) we have not had any form of sexual or alot of the time intimate play.

    I do not know what went wrong at all, I am attentive to her, help round the house, occasionally buy her flowers (she is not a great fan of flowers anyhow) take her for a meal. When I try to romantic things, like candle lit dinners she asks what i'm doing. :roll:

    Before we married she believed in no sex before marriage, and I found this ok. we dated for around 3 years before I asked her to marry me, she said yes and 2 years later we wed. She never talked about sex much then, at the time I thought it was linked to her beliefs.

    After we started to get to know each other intimately taking it slowly we were both ok with it, before we got to having intercourse she did not feel in the mood as she sometimes suffers with her skin and it had flared up. She has never since wanted anything sexual.

    When we talk about it, it is me who does most of the talking and she does not know how she feels about it, she does not know why she does not want us to be intimate. Nor will she talk to anyone about it (I have suggested sex therapy), I have purchased the book 'Super Sex' (thinking it would help if we read it together) and she does not want to know. Recently when I have tried to talk to her she has come out with some things that used to contradict how she was. Such as she now apparently does not like kissing (although you would have never have guessed), She never fantasizes or fingers her self. It is like sex is this subject that should never be broached.

    She often is playful. I have a liking for gloves they can help arouse me. She wears gloves for washing up and sometimes if I jibe/joke with her she will wet one of them take some suds and gently slap my face or rub her hands over my face while wearing the gloves. I love this (I sometimes joke I don't) but she does it with a grin and seems to enjoy it. We talked about this last night and she said she did it because I annoyed her but she could not remember why. Also she often looks annoyed when I talk to her about 'us' and always says she is not.

    It is starting to get me down. I do not know where to turn. I feel like I'm losing her, she is not the person I knew a year ago. I don't understand why or how anyone can not know how they feel about sex. She knows it is up to her to turn this around.

    Any advice???

    Andy.
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Have the two of you ever had sex? <-- that was my original question, but in re-reading the orginal post I found the answer. So, you've dated for three years, had a two year engagement, and have been married almost a year. SIX years? And no sex at all. In my opinion there is a serious problem here. Some serious questions need to be asked of her (in my opinion). Does she say things like "I love you"? Is she affectionate at all, especially without being asked? Is she sure she wants to be married?
     
    #2 melicious, Jun 4, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2007
  3. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    Well, I'm not a sex expert by any means, just to warn you! However, it almost sounds like maybe she's either having self esteem or perhaps depression issues? I would suggest marriage counseling, not necessarily sex counseling. Aside from being a hell of a lot of fun, sex is the best way to show each other how much you love each other, and when one partner isn't feeling loved, that can damage everything.

    My ex fiance never wanted to have sex, and for the longest time I struggled with that question - "What am I doing wrong?" so I feel your pain. :(
     
  4. Joe

    Joe
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    That's an incredible story and my heart goes out to you (both).

    "It is starting to get me down." I imagine so! What I can't imagine is that you've gone along with this for 7 months. Insist that you two see a marriage counselor asap. If she refuses, see an attorney.

    Good luck!
     
  5. Onxymornatic

    Onxymornatic New Member

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    Nope no sex. Infact we are both virgins. For her it is the no sex before marriage, me I decided I would only have sex with someone I truly loved. After a few relationships that never really went anywhere (one of which actually became my best friend and we nearly did have sex before the change to real strong friendship but it felt wrong).

    She does not show affection all that much and has never said "I love you". I want and need her to be affectionate, she is passionate when she wants to be, the foreplay we have had proved that.

    For me foreplay is much more important I love to pleasure and be pleasured, a quickie does not do it for me. But we do not even do that now (what we did in those first few weeks was fantastic).

    Before marriage, I had talked with her about what I want, my ideas of sex. Experimentation, my turn ons (of which I have a few). tried to find out hers (she still claims she does not know). She knows more of my sexual side than I do of her.

    It could be an esteem issue, tho i think she would deny that. I'm thinking of not talking to her about it for a while and not showing her any affection and see where that goes.

    Cheers
     
  6. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Can I ask what country you live in? And religious commitment?
     
  7. jaguar

    jaguar New Member

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    I'm thinking of not talking to her about it for a while and not showing her any affection and see where that goes.
    This could backfire on you and even isolate her more from you. I just don't know If that is the way to go in my opinion. Have you tried asking her for a back rub or something where she can feel your body. This kind of reminds me of my wifes grandmother who despised sex, thought it was DIRTY. They only had ONE child, and this is the only sex they ever had trying to get pregnant. Maybe it was the way she was raised believing this to be a dirty act and it is never discussed. Was there any abuse maybe in her life? I hate ask that question, but it does put people into a permanent shell. She may feel ugly about herself, build up her confidence she is an attractive women. Good luck to you, keep us posted.
     
  8. Marquis

    Marquis New Member

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    Man it really hurts to admit that you've made a mistake, but thats exactly what you have done. As a husband and wife you should be able to openly talk about anything good, bad, or indifferent. Thats the foundation of marriage; communicaiton. If she will not go get some kind of help, i'm sorry man it is time to let her go. Trying to jump threw hoops will only make you feel angry. And if you let this go on too long it will only make it hurt more later when it does fail. Sorry to say that man, but some time the truth hurts
     
  9. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I don't know really what to say. I don't what to say you made a mistake because I only now a small peice of the pie. And it makes me sad. Sex is such a beautiful thing espically when you do it with someone you love.

    Ok so sex is completely taboo to her. This is the first issue.
    I am not big on theropy but it sounds like she needs to tackle this issue first.
    It could be repressed memories in her head that she does or does not realize that she feels.
    She might of been raped and the thought of sex seems dirty.
    She may just of been brought up to think that sex is wrong dirty what ever
    She may of been brough up in a family that completely ingorned sex

    Next issue you said was a skin condition, it may just be painful to her has she been to the doctor about this.

    Next this may acutually be first issue, you need to tackle the issue of you and her being in love.
    To me it sounds like you may be in love with her and she is just confused.
    You need to go to couseling. Marraige is a mutural relationship you give she gives this equals happiness.
    You should love each other that is the base of marriage so is converstation you should be able to talk about anything

    If this fails you may have to part ways it will be hard but your life is worth living correct so you need to start living it. Try to help her but sometimes you have to let go and move on

    Hope this helps, Sorry for your problem (truly)

    Taylor
     
  10. alex5219

    alex5219 New Member

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    Without affection, what separates your marriage from a close friendship? As mentioned by others; she should seriously consider professional help.
     
  11. sexless

    sexless New Member

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    sounds pretty much like my wife!! does not kiss me turns away if i kiss her on the lips, does not tell me she loves me, only hugs me when she feels like it. doen't like sex.
    i feel for you man, i've been married for more than 20 years, it has been largely sexless since.
     
  12. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    You guys are making me fucking sad
    I am really worried about this happing is this a common occurence among married couples
     
  13. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Well, many marriages tend to become sexless after a while but I like to think (at least hope) that marriages like the OPs are the exception rather than the rule. I've never before heard of a couple who were both still virgins nine months into their marriage. That's definitely not right.

    Having sex is an integral part of being married. You guys are newlyweds, for God's sake. You should be humping like two bunnies. At this point I'd consider having the marriage annulled due to non-consummation.
     
  14. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    I've only heard of it in relation to arranged marriages..... I have a friend who waited quite some time, out of respect for his wife in a marriage that had been arranged. He lives in the US, she in India (originally) and has married him and moved to the US as well.
     
  15. willys525

    willys525 New Member

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    Man this sucks, not just for no se life, but man seems like no love there. I think ya'll need to talk & get some marriage counselling.
     
  16. Onxymornatic

    Onxymornatic New Member

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    Okey dokey.

    We are from the UK and i'm an atheist and she is a Baptist (not catholic) and not strict.

    I have been considering the annulment option, although I want to be patient and give her the time she needs, but I find my self being drawn to the leaving her option more and more.

    Our relationship is like a close friendship although sometimes I feel that I have felt closer to my best friend as we have shared some friendly affection for each other (hugs and the odd goodbye kiss on the cheek.) I don't feel married most of the time. I know she loves me, the small things she does, they way she looks at me. It's just the affection part that is missing.

    Thanks.
     
  17. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Well whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best of luck. :)
     
  18. Slick2

    Slick2 New Member

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    I may be young and what I say may hold no merit but I do really feel for you. That is very sad. I often hear people say that sex shouldn't be a big part of a relationship but I personally feel that it is, I don't understand how a relationship can work with NO sexual interaction. I mean it's a big enough issue for non-consummation of a marriage to be grounds for annulment. Good luck, I really do hope it works out for you both.
     
  19. Onxymornatic

    Onxymornatic New Member

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    Thanks.

    For the advice and the support. :) It has helped a bit. I personally think that sex is quite a large part of a relationship especially marriage. I want sex to be fun, varied. To be teased, aroused by my wife.

    I feel like it will never happen, I hope it will. I will give her as much time as I can before I walk away. I'm going to try to remove some of the affection that I show to her, just to see what effect it has.

    I mentioned to my wife the last time I talked to her about sex about that I could look for someone else for a guilt free sexual relationship and she just said you could I'd never know about it. I'm not sure what to think on that one.

    Cheers.
     
  20. skippy0587

    skippy0587 New Member

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    forget the sex (temporarily)...She has never said "I love you"??? I would think that at least at the marriage point that would be the latest that anyone could say that. That would probably hurt me the most, obviously sex is a very important part to a healthy relationship (so i've heard...thanks SF), but I think I would need to first know that I am loved and to hear it would mean sooo much.

    ok, so i know i'm in a long list of ppl to say that they are sorry to hear about this, but well i'm sorry.

    good luck with this, if you love her then do whatever you can