Non-Adventurous Wife

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by DerMorder, Mar 26, 2008.

  1. DerMorder

    DerMorder New Member

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    Hi everyone, I'm a little curious as to what others think about this situation. Back when I first met my wife, she was somewhat adventurous sexually (of course at the time, I was still a virgin, so what did I know). Now though, it seems she has changed, or maybe it's that I've changed to being a bit more devious sexually, at least in thought since acting out the thoughts is the problem right now.

    Before she didn't seem to have a problem giving oral (definitely doesn't have a problem with receiving). We seemed to try many different positions, not much of that anymore. Other different things (role playing, ass play, photos, etc), nothing too extreme though back then.

    Fast forward to the present and I've moved on sexually, admittedly because of the internet, where you can read about and view just about any sex act you can think of...and those you would've never thought of. I mention things like light bondage, water sports, etc and there's something wrong with me of course. She wants nothing to do with those things. Those are just the things I mention to her, who knows what she'd think if she could read my mind and get to the other stuff.

    Am I just stuck fantasizing about everything and taking care of myself? I won't force her into any of this of course, just curious what others think about it or been in the same situation. I'm guessing this is why some men/women cheat, but that's not the thing for me so that option is out.

    Thanks for any thoughts!
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well...I think good sex starts long before the bedroom. Are you giving her what she needs from you in other areas of your relationship? Put some thought into that. In fact, go read some of the recent sex news articles...there's quite a few that reference a study that found that men who share simple household chores tend to get more sex. Give it some thought and post back...

    BD
     
  3. Barbwire

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    Introducing something new in the bedroom, at least in my experience, is something you need to ease into.

    A while ago, my husband implied that he wanted me to do some ass play on him. At the time, I was just mortified and thought he was gross and perverted. I didn't tell him that, but changed the subject quickly enough where he just let it drop, BUT, he had planted a seed in my head.

    I got to thinking about it, then I went online and researched it, which lead to me thinking about it more and more. Eventually, I started to incorporate it into my fantasies as I masturbated. Then, I'd think about it as I gave him a blowjob.

    Finally, I was able to set things straight in my mind, and try it on him. Now, we both enjoy anal play. In fact, I just wrote a story in the erotic literature forum about how far I've come in this department.

    So, what I'm saying is, yeah, you may mention things to your wife, and she may recoil, but you just might plant a seed in her head and she may, on her own and in her own time, work things through in her head until she's at the point where she wants to give it a try.


    You never know, man.
     
  4. TXGUY

    TXGUY Member

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    I know how you feel. My wife up until recently was not very out going. However we just keep exploring little by little always within the bounds of what she was confortable with and now we are building on that and getting more out going!
     
  5. evman

    evman New Member

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    I've been in a similar situation. The changes seem to come mostly after we had children. Somehow she things that some things just aren't "proper" for a mother to do. She tends to think that I think too much about sex and I think she thinks too little about sex. I would be agreeable to meet somewhere in the middle. We go away overnight each year for our anniversary and she seems to be more open to things away from the house and kids. Maybe a weekend getaway would help with things between you two. It's still a work in progress for me. At times it seems OK and others not so much. When we first met she was everything I wanted sexually in a woman. She has changed since we have married and I understand that. We all change. I know that I have but I would like to have my wife return at least a little toward the way she used to be.

    Try to approach the sex with romance first. A candlelit dinner at home, a bottle of champagne may may make her more agreeable. Perhaps a massage that will allow you to rub near certain areas without actually touching. This may turn her on and have her wanting you to touch her. If you can get her worked up enough perhaps she will be willing to bargain with you.
     
  6. jacktrew

    jacktrew New Member

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    wait till she finds "Jesus" and views sex only as a procreative activity in one position with the lights off.

    Mine was adventurous too, until that conversion plus kids leaves me with a internet fantasy life because my children need the stability of our marriage.

    To everyone in my family, friends and such we have an idealistic marriage--honestly she is my best friend, we have a lot in common--except for this one area--I can't talk about even the mildest fantasy without the walls coming up.

    I really do love her but I will always wonder---what if?

    :ugh
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Jack...interesting post. Not to start any sort of religious debate here [BD bites nails ;)], but our church views sex between married partners as something to be encouraged, not discouraged. Maybe you should change churches? ;) Seriously...it's hard enough to make relationships work, a religious organization discouraging sex between married partners is absolutely completely stupidly unbelievably...um...stupid. In my not-so-humble opinion. Good sex (along with lots of other things) helps a good marriage stay good...it would seem quite ridiculously counter-productive to discourage it. I wonder what the divorce rate of that church's congregation is? :eek

    I don't think that we can deny that we are sexual creatures...or at least, not for an extended term. When we try, we seem to end up with "blow-outs" that end in disaster (like marriages split up over an affair, etc.).

    If your wife is your best friend as you've said, then I'd think you should be able to talk to her about it. I wouldn't say make it nagging, etc. (no one likes that)...find a kind way to tell her how you feel, ask her to explain her perspective, and both of you work toward a solution maybe? Just going to toss out a thought here...if you don't join her in church now, maybe you could commit to going with her IF she will consider finding a church that you are comfortable with? (Ie. one that has modern views on sex, as well as modern views on other things of importance.)

    And one more question...you said your wife is your best friend. Are you your wife's best friend? In other words, would she say the same thing about you? (No offense intended...just meant to make you think!)

    BD
     
  8. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    You should be aware that lots of people don't consider oral sex as being appropriate between a married couple my husband is one of them.So your wifes not alone. In my case I wasn't that interested in going down on him so I only mention it when I want to wind it up.

    It used to be a guaranteed way of me getting the upper hand, untill he started dealing with it by shagging me senseless in a variety of different positions. When I started telling him I couldn't go on anymore he'd act all comforting and ask me if thats why I wanted to go down on him because I couldn't keep up with him. I've had the best sex of my life with my husband I think a lot of that is down to the fact that he's quite disciplined about what he will and won't do with me. Plus I think there is an element of laziness to oral sex.

    Anywho all I'm trying to say is as soon as your wife says she has moral issues with oral sex that should be the end of the story. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be looking at other ways of boosting your sex life.
     
  9. Bluesy

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    Well, to put things into perspective, the majority of open-minded adventurous people here have a problem with water sports (it seems to be one of the last major taboos). Kink is a highly individual aspect of sexuality...some people have a little, some have a lot, and most people are Ok with certain "kinky" activities while rejecting others as too deviant/morally reprehensible/disgusting.

    It could be that she'll change her mind about these activities in the future, but one of the best ways to facilitate the sort of satisfying sex life you seek is to make sure that she feels her boundaries are being respected (in other words, continuing to talk about these things, asking her about them, suggesting, hinting, pleading, etc. will only serve to turn her off and alienate her, so you're better off leaving things be).

    Women in particular need to feel emotionally safe with their partner in order to get their juices flowing...feeling loved, appreciated and respected are vital to establishing a strong, healthy emotional connection, and the quality of that connection is going to determine how hot your sex life is (i.e. how much she desires you, how much she wants to please you, etc.). A woman's mind has to be lubricated before her body can follow suit (normally). To that end, firing up a woman's engine generally involves a gentler, softer, more romantic approach. Men want it dirty and hot, women want it tender and sweet. Find ways to let her know how beautiful she is, how much she means to you, put it into words regularly (especially in the bedroom!), take your time in the bedroom and use your hands and lips to show her how much you enjoy her body. Spend some time investing in your marriage, go out on dates together or ship the kids off to someone else's place for the night and plan non-sexual and fun activities that will get the two of you talking (and laughing!). Good sex is the byproduct of a good marriage, and your relationship should always be the focal point of your efforts to improve your sex life because that's where it all begins. Sex is psychological for women, it's emotional. The worst thing you can do is expect her to respond to those things that excite you. Treat her like a lady :tup

    Good luck and keep us updated!
     
  10. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Very well said!
    BD
     
  11. jacktrew

    jacktrew New Member

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    Thanks for the feedback but honestly we do GREAT in every area. I have two daughters and love them dearly, and the best thing I can do is stay married to their mother, whom I do love. She is just VERY uptight about sex and sexual matters. It is to the point where commercials on TV, songs, advertisements and such cause her to make outbursts about how "disgusting" it all is.

    We do a lot of talking, it is just one subject that we can not seem to get around. We go out on dates, hold hands in public, laugh and goof off at beaches and in most peoples eyes (and hers) we have a very loving stable marriage. It is just she has set some limits that produce a VERY tedious sex life.

    I would argue that she would consider me her best friend except she is just not as interested in sex--and views it as a perfunctory act that should be done 2-3 times a month (if needed).

    Thus I have developed a internet fantasy life and have resorted to solitary sex because in the end--it really is just an orgasm versus a relationship. I won't put it in jeopardy with a real relationship.

    Anyways I will slip back into the shadows and live vicariously through you folks.
     
  12. Bluesy

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    Ouch :ugh Sorry to hear about your troubles... I did neglect to acknowledge that there are certain impenetrable barriers to hot sex, austere morality being one of them. It isn't at all possible that she's suffering from low libido (with medical and/or psychological origins) and her religious beliefs are a cover...? It's just that I know, and have known, conservative Christians who love sex. I don't think conservative religious views and frigidity necessarily go hand-in-hand, though I wouldn't dismiss it as a valid explanation. I just kind of wonder what's going on in her head, and body.
     
  13. Barbwire

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    Well, this may very well be coincidental, but, years ago, I "found Jesus" and got hooked on the whole religion thing. At the same time I was being over medicated for depression.

    My libido left town, I burned my sex toys and my devil music and then turned into a text book bible thumper.

    But after a year or two, it kinda wore off, I stopped taking the meds and going to church and well, as you can tell, I'm a certifiable sex fiend, now.

    I'm not saying religion makes you turn frigid, but in my case, combined with the anti-depressents, it sure didn't help any.
     
  14. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    The fact that you do great in all other aspects sure sounds really encouraging. My immediate impression...either her libido has dropped because of some physical reason OR she is trying to deny her own sexuality because she thinks that's "being good" (in a religious sense). Any feel for which it might be? You might have a real sexual freak on your hands if you guys can somehow lead her to just drop her inhibitions as some point...possibly.

    Guess what? Even absolutely devout Christian's can still screw their partner like dogs in heat! AND enjoy the fool out of it for all the carnal gratification it brings. I don't believe there is anything "sinful" about any consentual sexual act that you do with your spouse...whether that's trying new positions, trying new toys, watching porn together, fantasizing about all sorts of kinky stuff, whatever. If it makes sex with your spouse better, then it has to make the marriage stronger. That's got to be the way it was intended to be...it just wouldn't make any sense (to me) otherwise. We men are called to love our wives (which essentially means "show it in everything you do, put her before yourself"...it sounds like you are doing that in all aspects of your life together) and women are called to submit to their husbands (meaning give us sex! :brow). It's supposed to be a covenant where each partner does what they are supposed to do regardless of whether the other partner does or not...if both persons did that of course, there would never a be problem, right? Such are us humans though.

    Is your wife aware of your internet sexual fantasy world, and if so, how does she feel about it? Is it possible that you've turned to "self-service" as a means to fulfill your needs, but that leaves her feeling disgusted with your behavior in that regard, which then exacerbates her perspective on it? You know, kind of a viscious circle perhaps? If she feels as...oh boy, what's the right term here?..."morally upright" as you've said, perhaps she sees your internet activities as "almost cheating" or morally questionable? Again, no offense intended to you in any way...sometimes it's just hard to put yourself into the other person's mind and understand what effect your actions might have on them. I'm definitely not making any judgements on your or her behavior, just trying to ask questions that might lead you down some hopefully useable path.

    BD
     
  15. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I was almost speechless after reading this post, CL. I mean, you're possibly the horniest super freak on this site, and for you to burn your sex toys and give up sex just seems,...I dunno,...surreal. I'm thinking it was the anti-depressants rather than Jesus that shut down your sex drive.

    Remember, folks: God wants us to have sex. :brow
     
  16. Barbwire

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    Well, I can possibly blame my dead libido on the meds, but it was the radio sermon given by the preacher from The Church of The Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus located somewhere in Los Angeles, California that told me sex was bad and made me burn my toys, R-rated movies, and my Madonna, "Like A Virgin" cassette.

    (50 sexbux to the first person that knows the origin of that particular reference. ;))

    Oh, and thank you for saying I was possibly the horniest super freak on this site. It brought a tear to my eye to read that.
     
  17. cbrmale

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    My wife has a confused upbringing. She is 'coloured' from an African country which means she is half-African and half-white. Brown rather than the deep dark black. Like all coloureds, she fitted not wihtin white and not within African, and when I went to her country I found that the coloured community had found a home with Christianity, specifically evangelical American churches like Baptist. The Africans had traditional religion, the whites had the low-impact Anglican Church, and the colours had this American-sourced religious zealotry.

    To say her Christian upbringing screwed her up sexually is an understatement, and eventually I had to de-programme her in order to coax out the inner woman. I did it, with the advice of a friend who was a clinical psychologist as well as my own psychology training. Our sex life is fantastic these days. And when I explored her past, she admitted it was the Christian moral view on sex that confused her. Specifically, the view that sex was 'wrong' outside marriage, and encouraged within. She couldn't reconcile the wrongness of fornication (as it is often described) with the sudden rightness after a one-hour ceremony.

    As part of her cure she left the Baptist Church of her own choice, because the American-origin Churches in Australia still push an anti-sex message to a degree. So by leaving she had a clean break and the opportunity to be a whole woman.
     
  18. evman

    evman New Member

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    We don't attend church regularly though my wife had started taking the kids some time ago almost every sunday. I noticed a drop in our sex life immediately. Though she hasn't been going for some time things have definitely changed in the way that she views sex. It seems that she is having a morality battle in her head. She likes things but feels they are wrong and feels guilty for having certain for having the feelings. Why are women so complicated? :cry
     
  19. evman

    evman New Member

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    We don't attend church regularly though my wife had started taking the kids some time ago almost every Sunday. I noticed a drop in our sex life immediately. Though she hasn't been going for some time things have definitely changed in the way that she views sex. It seems that she is having a morality battle in her head. She likes things but feels they are wrong and feels guilty for having certain for having the feelings. Why are women so complicated? :cry
     
  20. FlirtyChick

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    I am, and have been, a Christian for many years, although I have returned to organized religion only in the past four years. I believe that God gave us sexual urges, and that sexual pleasure is condoned by Him. In fact, we have had messages on sexuality in church. What happens between a husband and wife in a healthy sexual relationship is between the couple and God. My husband and I enjoy a wild, kinky, fun sex life complete with toys, porn, and lots of loud orgasms. Any church who condemns sex, like that of my strict Baptist upbringing, is full of crap. Legalism is the term for rules of the church, and those rules do not necessarily reflect the teachings in the Bible. The Bible never states that sexual relations are prohibited between man and wife......