no sex, insecure!

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by daisy135, Mar 21, 2009.

  1. daisy135

    daisy135 New Member

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    hello ive been with my boyfriend for like 2 years now, but hes never seen me naked as i hate my body! this means we can only do missionary and he never cums so we dont do it anymore. i think hes startin to get fed up now, i want to please him without exposing myself :nerv any ideas?
     
  2. Mephisto

    Mephisto New Member

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    Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your problem, but atleast you have come to the right place. I am sure there will be a wealth of advice to help you out, by the time some of the ladies [and guys] have spoken to you, you'll be swinging naked from the chandelier!

    Try not to worry, I'm sure if you both relax things will get better. I think your fella might not be able to cum because you both are stressing a bit. If you are not relaxed, he won't be!
     
    #2 Mephisto, Mar 21, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2009
  3. Barbwire

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    I am sorry you are having such a problem, but I have to ask, why do you hate your body so much? If it's because you are overweight, I know what you are talking about. When I was pregnant I gained a lot of weight and kept that weight for a long time. I was really embarrassed about how I looked and would not let my husband see me naked for many years. We did it with the lights off and only during the darkest of nights.

    How I got over it was, I started to exercise and lose some weight. Once I felt better about myself, I got brave enough to light a small candle as far away from the bed as possible, then, gradually, I worked my way up to having more and more light until I was doing it in the middle of the day.

    I'm still overweight, but my confidence is back and I've even gotten brave enough to cam a few times.

    That worked for me, but, depending on your situation, some counselling may be in order.

     
  4. FlirtyChick

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    I concur with CL if you are overweight. I too gained some baby weight, lost it, then gained some stress weight, which is still with me, but you can overcome. I do not love my body, I could do more to help that, but I am comfortable with my sexuality. Most men do not see the body, they see the woman they are making love to, and that is what is important to them. Why do you hate your body? He doesn't hate your body, that is what he wants. It is part of you. And let me tell you, your insecurities can be a big turnoff. Perhaps counseling is in order, to quote CL again.
     
  5. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

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    I go through these stages myself......but my hubby is quite adamant that the light is on as he likes to see my body so we compromise and I light candles... he always tells me that my arse looks smaller during doggy as well..... so maybe you can try doggy style.

    Why is he not cumming???? Most people really enjoy missionary (it is my hubbies fav actually) and if he is not cumming then that is probably making you feel that you don't turn him on and he is probably thinking that you don't want to have sex and he is not getting turned on enough to cum and the vicious circle just keeps on going around......

    I would suggest some individual and couples counselling.
     
  6. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    My figure isn't what it used to be, either but my boyfriend still thinks I'm sexy and gets really turned on by my natural curves. If he doesn't have a problem with my figure then I don't either. However, it's taken me a long time for me to get to that point.

    When I was your age I too hated my figure even though at that time I was quite thin. I think it's normal for young women to hate their figures. We're surrounded my images of dangerously thin women whose figures are promoted as the ideal. No real woman can realistically live up to those expectations, unless she is willing to give up little things like, say, food.

    Your hatred of your figure and your boyfriend's inability to come are probably related. The fact that you refuse to let him see you naked (even though you'll still have sex with him) tells him that you care more about your needs than you do about his. Selfish + insecure = Turn off

    I agree with the others. We need more information about exactly what it is you hate about your figure.
     
  7. missyhuggins

    missyhuggins New Member

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    Everyone has something/some things they don't like about their body but chances are he doesn't see those flaws as you do.

    When my SO and I got together I had had 2 children to a previous partner, was overweight and covered in hidious childbearing related stretch marks. As I put to him one night, in a drunken insecure discussion, "I'm damaged goods, quite literally, you could have someone so much hotter than I am."
    He told me he found me so incredibly sexy, that my flaws were a part of me, that he loved me and everything about me. So what if I jiggled, so what if I have stretch marks. They weren't unattractive to him, they were what made up a part of the physical me. He then explained that my curves made me a woman, that my stretch marks told a story and that noone had ever turned him on quite like I did. He loves me for me, with all of my lumps, bumps, scars and jiggly bits.

    I've not really been insecure since. I still have occasion days where I automatically cover myself up and he always makes me uncover myself and tells me I'm being silly as I'm only covering up for him and he'd hate for me to think I should because he doesn't want me to.

    Anyway, point of my long winded babble is... Noone is perfect, everyone has flaws but you've been with him for 2 years so he must love you for you. Like the others, I'm suggesting counselling as it seems there is a far more deep seated issue here but as a general rule, I'd say he's not concerned about what your body is like but rather more interested in the person it's attached to.
     
  8. daisy135

    daisy135 New Member

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    no im not overweight, i just compare myself with others and just hate how nicer everyone else looks. i think i need to talk to him but its such a sensitive topic for me i just end up crying :|

    suppose i've just got to pluck up the courage and get it sorted, i don't want to loose him over something like this. Just going to take alot of balls :|

    many thanks for all your replies :)
     
  9. HardRocker

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    My wife thinks she looks awful too, but she's actually very pretty by most modern standards. But her view is not as disabling in the way that you describe yourself. When we were in our 30s and even 40s people used to ask me if she was a model. I've about had to beat guys (and the occasional girl) off her with a stick for the past nearly 30 years. I'm not sure what it is she sees in the mirror, but it isn't what everybody else sees. I think this is not uncommon in women.
     
  10. Barbwire

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    Girl, you are NEVER going to be happy if you think you have to look like someone you see on TV, in the movies, or in a magazine. Those women aren't the norm, they are a tiny percentile of the total population. Tearing yourself up because you do not look like them makes no sense at all.

    Ask your boyfriend why he wants to be with you and I'm sure he'll mention a lot of things that have nothing to do with how you look. My guess is, he loves you for who you are, not what you look like, clothed or naked.
     
  11. fantasien

    fantasien New Member

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    One thing! GET OVER YOUR BODY IMAGE! and lets have some fuckin' fun!(Pun intended)
     
  12. nasty

    nasty New Member

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    First off let me say that I don't have much to add to this, but I do have some advice. Men are men. We are visually stimulated by seeing certain things. Why we are is best told by behavioral psychologists so I won't try, but we are seeing the vagina and the breasts are a thing of beauty and a wonder to behold.

    I feel sorry for a lot of women in this aspect because they want to compare themselves to Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba or Catherine Zeta-Jones. These women have personal trainers with a salary most people would kill for. They exercise around 4 hours daily, and have personal make-up people. Not to mention there pictures are usually airbrushed or digitally altered to remove their flaws. The female form is beautiful. Don't be ashamed that you don't look like these people. I am not a Brad Pitt, but my GF reminds me everyday that she is absolutely in love with me. Don't know if any of this helps, but just remember even glamorous people hate something about themselves or many times a lot.
     
  13. daisy135

    daisy135 New Member

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    thanks for all your advice everyone , i appreciate it
     
  14. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    If you're not overweight, what's the issue? If you're fit, that's a very appealing thing to most men, we're wired that way. Be blatant about whatever your concern is...you can be totally to-the-point on this forum, and the odds are that whatever your fear is, you're not alone, someone else has been there and overcome it.

    Stop comparing yourself to others first. Learn to like your own body. If you don't like yourself, why should anyone else like you? That's a very self-sabotaging mindset...work to get rid of it. Again, if you're fit and cute, damn girl...enjoy your youthful appearance while you have it!

    One thought that might help you get past this...get a comfortable mask and put it on, pretend you are someone else. Do that once or twice, see how much better it goes and feels to be unreserved (this is called "reframing")...then put the mask away and be yourself. Stop wasting time and get it on with your BF like one hot nasty little slut! LOL!

    Cheers,
    BD
     
  15. FlirtyChick

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    I am a little overweight, and I still get attention from men. It comes from my smile, my attitude, and the caring, zesty person I am. For those guys who just like fit and cute girls, not to undermine those who are, your mindsets are where your dick is, not in your heart.

    I am happy in my body now, because I have learned that there are people who care about my personality and my heart. I once thought that I had to be perfect to be loved, but I really wasn't loved. If a man loves you, again, I state that he does not care if you have a few extra dimples or pounds. If he doesn't, and wants only those who are "fit", then kick him to the curb and find a man who has a true heart. I am 44 years old and constantly get comments on how young I look and how hot I am......put YOUR issues aside and if he is a good man who still wants you move on. There are very few good men left.....I was told once that I was only good for sex, then I was told that the sex was not that good. Too many people place emphasis on sex in relation to who they are. I know I am a good sexual partner and a good person, regardless of a few bumps here and there. Enjoy, get naked, and let him devour you. You are lucky he wants and loves you for you.
     
  16. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Just for the record, my post wasn't intended to slam anyone who might not have a bikini-model or super-jock body. I don't. Everyone has something attractive about them, and it's always a combination of what's on the outside and what's on the inside. I'm merely encouraging the OP to consider that her BF probably thinks she's gorgeous even though she might not, and to enjoy that while she has it instead of letting her insecurities drive someone she cares about away.

    To the original OP...my hair's getting thin (as I've had pointed out to me in several hurtful ways recently), my teeth aren't exactly model-perfect (as I've also had pointed out to me in recent stabs), etc. But guess what? There's so many other appealing things about me that women don't even notice those flaws. When I walk into a room, women turn their heads and look, and I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone in the room (male or female). I've had women approach me and say things like "You're hot", "I'd hurt you", "You are a fabulous guy", etc. I have been pleasantly surprised by that. I've also had women tell me "Your hair is cool" (it may be a little thin, but it's also a little long) and "You have a nice/mischievous smile". (I've heard those enough times to negate any malicious put-downs.) Do I have movie star looks? Nope. Do I have huge confidence in myself and few insecurities? Yup. What you have on the inside is going to show in some manner on the outside, usually in your attitudes, body language, and your reactions.

    Very few of us have perfect bodies and perfect faces (except for movie stars and others who are paid to look perfect). Make the most out of the appealing things about yourself, learn to just let go of your insecurities (you don't need them), and enjoy the good things you have in your life instead of letting any real or perceived faults hold you back. I have yet in my life to see an insecurity that was a GOOD thing. Dump 'em all.

    If your BF splits up with you, is it because you don't look like a movie star, or is it because the sex and intimacy isn't good due to your insecurities? I'll answer that for you: Your insecurities are the issue, not your looks. I think people are initially attracted by what's on the outside (looks, the outward personality that you project, etc.)...however, people become significant others and stay together because of what's on the inside, not what's on the outside (except in very shallow cases...but you don't need those folks anyway). Any way you slice it, sex is an important component of intimacy for most people. Don't let what's on the inside (your insecurities) ruin what might otherwise be a really rewarding and passionate relationship.

    BD
     
    #16 BassDude, Mar 25, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2009
  17. daisy135

    daisy135 New Member

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    i appreciate your honesty, im feeling a bit more confident. just got to get over the hurdle! many thanks guys :)
     
  18. LivvyxBaby

    LivvyxBaby New Member

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    I understand where you are coming from in a way.

    I am overweight but I am working on losing some weight. I haven't been naked with my boyfriend yet or for any guy at that matter but since you and your man have been together for 2 years its different. Have you talked to him about how you feel?
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Good! Why don't you post some pics in the Gallery section...they don't need to be nude (unless that's what you want to post :brow) nor do they need to have your face in them. Post some body pics, and see what kinds of feedback you get (I'll bet it'll all be quite good!). That should be a confidence builder for ya...:dgrin

    BD
     
  20. daisy135

    daisy135 New Member

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    yeah i suppose it would, still scary though haha! maybe il think about it! :)