Nice guys sleep alone

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by loveprof, May 28, 2015.

  1. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Okay, now I'm going to put this tired maxim out there, because my experience has borne it out. I have always been respectful and kind to women...but always went home alone. I've watched over and over as uglier, less fit and, by far, more crass and rude men got laid on a daily basis; while I went home alone every night. Now, I'm not some simple dolt who hasn't thought this through or had the benefit of experience...remember, I didn't get laid the last 14 years of my marriage and haven't been laid since my divorce 8 years ago. I've lived a lot of life and been open to many possibilities, but this one thing has proved true...nice guys sleep alone.

    When I was married, I always remembered birthdays, anniversaries, etc., would surprise my wife at work and take her out to lunch, spent time with her family members when she wasn't even around, did almost all of the house work and took care of our children....all because I wanted to and without being asked. But we all know how that turned out...I almost never had sex and, when we did, I eagerly took care of her needs...but she would never take care of me or, if she finally agreed to do so, did it very grudgingly and with no real desire.

    So now, when I take a woman out, I'm kind to her, respect her and show real interest in her. I'm not trying to get in her pants right away (though I'd love to do so) or even kiss her unless I feel she's comfortable with it. In other words, I try to treat the woman I'm with as I would want to be treated. The result....no sex since my divorce.

    After my marriage and the years since, I've decided that I'm just not aggressive or pushy enough to take a woman to bed. Though women claim they want sensitive, caring men, the truth is that men who are actually like this make great friends but don't turn women on...because they're leaning way over to their feminine side. Hence, all the gay men friends that some women have. This behavior is not sexually stimulating to women.

    I may never get laid again and the reason is, primarily, that I'm not aggressive in that area of life...and I cannot and, quite frankly, would not change. This is the man I am. So maybe some of you who suggested hookers are correct....but that goes against my nature and my general respect for women as well. So...as Clint Eastwood said in The Dead Pool, I may be "shit out of luck".

    What I don't get , however, is why in our "enlightened" times when women and men are supposedly more equal than ever, a woman can't help a man out at all in this area. Would it really be asking so much, especially with mature adults, that a woman give a man a clue? And I don't mean all of the, supposedly, subtle things...like why not actually indicate you're ready for something more in a concrete way? Why must grown men and women still play a guessing game? Part of this, of course, is our uptight American society, where we can't feel comfortable talking about sex with one another. We could learn so much from our European neighbors about these things.

    Okay...that's my rant for the night.
     
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  2. lbushwalker

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    Dude I feel for you.
    Let's analyse;
    You treat women well and with respect as I do too but the difference is that my body language must allow them to see that with me they are not safe in celibacy.
    So our approach is identical if not similar so a point must be reached where we totally digress in behaviour. I know that I look deeply into her eyes and do not hide my lust, in fact she can probably see my pupils dilate as I take in her body features. Again I do not mask my interest in her facial features, her lips, her breast and her body in general. This illucidates either rejection but more often positive feedback and flirtatious conversation ensues. At that stage the game pretty much over and taking control with confidence is the final key.
    A woman does not like the notion of being taken cheaply but she still wants to be taken ;)
     
    #2 lbushwalker, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  3. cbrmale

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    Lbushwalker hit the nail on the head; women do want sex but I feel that they don't want to be the sexual initiators, which is why nice guys struggle to get anywhere.

    When I was dating I used body language and touch to get my message of desire across, and initially that touch seemed innocent like touching her hand and then holding it, and of course gazing into her eyes and admiring her body like Lbushwalker posted. The body language and the peripheral touching is an indication of your sexual desire for her. I got the idea for touch when I was younger and I spent an interesting Saturday night in downtown Milano and saw how Italian men do it, and they use a lot of touch with women they have just met. When a woman was with me she knew she had two choices, keep going with it and sex would follow generally by date three, or back away. If they're interested in you they will go with it and become more emboldened in the process, so by date three there's a lot of passionate kissing happening and so on. And sex of course, but the real aim of dating is to find a relationship which includes mutual compatibility, shared interests and sexual attraction. If you put sex on an equal footing from the first date, there's a better chance of finding a sexually compatible long-term partner. For the OP this might have been the problem with his past marriage: friendship with no real erotic attraction.

    My now wife was waiting for marriage and she had waited a long time; 24 years old and 4 prior boyfriends. I think it was date three when I invited her to go away with me for the weekend, and of course she agreed.
     
  4. Meee

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    On our first date, the boy who is now the boyfriend had a cocky (sorry--there's no better word for it) look the whole time. We were together all afternoon and evening, so he had plenty of time to show me respect and to show me that he wanted to get to know me in more ways than just sexually. And there was that cocky look. The whole time. Both sides of his behavior worked to bring it all together. I knew what he wanted and he helped make me comfortable with the idea too. I was very clear later that night that I was initiating sex.
     
  5. five

    five Active Member

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    Man one day I woke up pissed......pissed bc my now ex wife wasn't giving me shit and obviously had no reservation in trying to give it else where. I became a person that I don't really ever want to be again. I was a complete dick, didn't care who I hurt in my wake, and fucked anything that would spread it's legs. Thank god I didn't catch anything. But I learned that females want an agresive man. I have learned not to be angry through the agression....but being a alpha male is what they are looking for. Through the experience I learned a little more about me. I am vulger, rude, cocky....I fuck hard, i am passionate about life and I love just as intensely. I know when to shut the fuck up and when to use my distasteful appalling mouth. I can charm you or offend you....and if your not part of my close people and family I don't care. But once again I've learned to know when to bite my tongue and be the tender and caring man too. And that's where I believe men like you and like how I use to be have to learn. It took 5 yrs of shity marriage to make me realize "I'm through". Dude jus man up and don't give that preciousness to just any fucking woman. Make them earn that shit. Hope this helps. I know it's not the answer for everybody but man its helped me and a few of my friends too.
     
  6. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    Thanks to all of you for caring enough to respond and not just bashing me over the head.

    Can any of you possibly understand what it is like to have no woman even be willing to show you the simplistic affection in all these years? I've lost four members of my immediate family and had no one to hold me at night or show intimate concern. Even while I was married, my wife never touched me in a sexual way or desired me, unless she had an agenda. What is wrong with me that women aren't attracted to me sexually?? I keep up a good front publicly, but I'm dying inside.
     
  7. Barent

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    I never had to get "aggressive" with a woman to have sex. I just kissed them and we progressed into the bedroom.
     
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  8. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    In other words, Barent, you were extremely fortunate. Trust me, this is not the case for most men. I've only kissed one woman since my divorce and that was her choice...and we definitely did not end up in the bedroom. Some of you guys need to find out what it's like for the average Joe on the street. Women are few and far between and are very unclear about their desire for sex.
     
  9. Barent

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    Well I have not had other women since getting married, but I married rather late and was single for a number of years. Usually, if we kissed they'd go to bed. Now, at this stage in my life, I don't know if it would happen like that, but I've had some women flirt around with me in public places occasionally so maybe it would, to some degree, if I were available. You don't have to be "aggressive" but you have to show an interest, or flirt. They are not going to make a move if they think they might be rejected, that's why you have to do this. That's before any kissing, etc., even before a date. Again, they do not want to be rejected so you have to be the one to start it off.
     
    #9 Barent, May 30, 2015
    Last edited: May 30, 2015
  10. lkg4f

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    Loveprof, all I can say to you is take heart and do not give up. There is someone out there who would find a gem in you and appreciate the love that you will share with her. Good luck.
     
  11. Malcolm Reynolds

    Malcolm Reynolds New Member

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    I was wrong in my last post calling you a virgin since I read your whole question last and realized you weren't and that you were married lol. Anyhow the advice for that still sort of stands. Now onto this rant. First off I can tell you have no confidence in yourself at all man. Do you want to know something? I've been a bitter person my whole life and it never got me anywhere. I've been bitter because I've been treated like crap most of the time and I turned to acting like an asshole. You want to know something? Nice guys have no problem getting laid, Pathetic guys are the ones with the problem. Women want a man who is confidence and treats them with respect and also knows what he wants. I know what I want in life. I want a respectful girl who is faithful and has goals of her own because I won't set my goals and dreams aside for no one so I need a person who feels the same. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and get that woman that you want. You were married so obviously someone liked you enough to let you put a ring on it. Being a man doesn't mean you have to be a jerk or a dick being a man means you stand up for what you believe in and you don't set aside your beliefs for no one. I hate to say this and I'm not bashing you but you are pathetic. You sound like a teen girl who just found out her boyfriend left her. You have the typical "I'm gonna end up alone boo hoo waaaaa me" speech. Stop it you're a grown man act like it! If you want a girl you have to go out and work for it and you have to love yourself and have confidence in yourself. If you don't you WILL end up alone.
     
  12. lbushwalker

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    Everyone has made some valid points and the common thread is that the problem lies internal to you.
    Loveprof, all your posts remind me of the Simon & Garfunkle's song "I am a Rock".
    My belief is that you have internalised so much in your life and show nothing of your true feelings to the point people don't understand you or your motives even though they truly exist.
    That woman who kissed you and you said she initiated gave you the best chance to go further but what did you do? I don't know but in my experience that would have been another notch filed on my metal bed frame!
    Dude you are going to have to learn that to take risks with allowing others to sense your feelings. I wear mine on my wrists so very easy to be hurt but likewise very easy to pick up by those that wish to. I am never lonely anymore but once was and that was when I was a good dependable respectful vanilla flavoured married guy!
    Now I a happy, dangerous predator of female virtues and at the age of 62 and not planning on slowing down anytime soon!
    LoveProf one of your reasons which is actually a cop out is that you simply don't frequent places women congregate yet everyday you work in a place of education where females are always over represented! In your place that would be a fox on a hen house dude ;)
     
    #12 lbushwalker, May 30, 2015
    Last edited: May 30, 2015
  13. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    I am not pathetic at all. I am a confident, happy person who others enjoy being around. Only in this forum or in counseling do I open up about my inner feelings regarding this issue. When a man has spent 22 years with no female companionship despite hard work and diligent effort, this is discouraging and leads to feelings of despair. I wonder, MR, if you've ever come to the point where you must face the reality that no amount of effort on your part is making a difference. If not, you have much to learn.
     
  14. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    And you would no longer have a job. Unlike the 60s & 70s, college professors have to keep their distance from students...plus I wouldn't care to spend time with most of them..too much drama. And we cannot pursue relationships with any eligible employees either without risking serious trouble.

    I was not interested in pursuing things further with the woman who kissed me, because she had made it clear that would come with strings attached. We are still good friends and see one another regularly.

    I'm not sure I understand what you're saying about internalizing. Are you talking about my sexual desire? If so, you may be right...especially after so many experiences that are unfulfilling. Also, I've found at least in my part of the country, you have to be super careful about mentioning your sexual desires, even in subtle ways.
     
  15. five

    five Active Member

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    Just keep practicing.....the more you try eventually you will find a rythym. I used to go hang out with this one guy who was about 40 and ugly as sin. But he would get laid pretty regularly. They were pretty good looking chick's too. He jus found a rythym that worked for him. I don't know really what more to tell you. If you keep trying eventually it will happen. Easy thing to do is go to a bar and just start chatting with women. You will get burned and shot down a lot but it is a ton of practice crawling through those places.
     
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  16. Malcolm Reynolds

    Malcolm Reynolds New Member

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    I'm not being mean or insulting you I promise I'm just telling the truth the way I see it or my opinion. My dad always said opinions are like assholes we all have one they all stink lol. Anyhow truth is if you wanted to get laid you would've already. I think what your problem is, is that you are subconsciously afraid that a girl will reject you because you tell her what you want or are forward about it. Being a jerk gets you nowhere in life I can tell you that firsthand. Women do not like assholes they don't I promise you. I was rejected a few times in my teen years and that caused me to be a bitter person so bitter that I used to use women. I can tell you it got me nowhere treating women like objects and it won't get you anywhere either. I have to be honest I'm a tad bit disgusted by the fact that so far all you want is sex I mean if all you want is sex find a brothel. We have one out here in Nevada called the bunny ranch. Truth is I think you're scared all women are going to be like your ex wife and so you subconsciously don't pursue a relationship and that's why you don't go on a 3rd or 4th date or get laid. I do believe you have a confidence issue because if you didn't have a confidence problem you wouldn't be ranting on a sex forum about not getting any sex. I've read your post a few times and it sounds like a 15 year old wrote it. Not by it's language or your writing style but just how pathetic it sounds. I'm a single guy not because I choose to be but because right now I can't afford to have a girlfriend. With college the way it is and being a fulltime student I just have nothing to offer a girl at this time and I know that and it's what keeps me from getting into a relationship. You're the same way in the sense that there is something subconsciously preventing you from getting the types of girls you want and until you figure out what's holding you back you aren't going to get anywhere. Remember how I said I was a bitter person? Well I had low self esteem and confidence and could never figure out why. I used to be extremely angry. Well I found out that subconsciously I was harboring tons of resentment towards people who had hurt me in the past, Bullies, exes, family,etc. Once I figured it out and let that resentment go and cleared the cobwebs of my mind I've become an extremely confident and outgoing person. I no longer think i'll end up alone or question if there is someone out there for me because I know that there is someone out there for me. You need to find out what is holding you back and deal with it.
     
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  17. sandwich

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    I have read your threads. Hello!

    This is hard to say, considering your are a stranger to me. We all have engaged in self pity at one time or the other. A lot of the circumstances that get us there are not of our own doing....others are. I think that self pity affects the psyche in more ways than we can know. If you have not had success with women then that is surely something to be disappointed about, but disappointment can lead to long term self focus and depression. My oldest brother went through this.

    It might be time to focus on the good things and gratitude. You have a good job....a lot of people do not. You probably are not starving or living in a home without indoor plumbing. No, I am not kidding. These are the things to be thankful for. You could have it way worse. You could be paralyzed or living in an oppressive nation.

    If you take the time daily to meditate upon what you have to be grateful for and choose to stop focusing on this, then I think you will gain much. Only when you can go through life with this attitude will a woman recognize what is awesome about you. I have no doubt that underneath this dilemma there are awesome things!

    Then and only then (no cheating....this daily attitude takes a while to become a real part of you) will you be prepared for your woman. That is when you decide not to settle for any woman, but find the one who will complement you. You already know what things you like to do, so I can tell you from my experience with my ex that having nothing in common other than wanting a relationship/sex is not a good idea. I would not bother going to the places women congregate. I would go to where your interests naturally lie. Unless you are only into things like sky diving and paint ball there will be someone who recognizes your easiness about life and your enthusiasm for the things you hold dear to your heart.

    If I find myself even a tiny way into self pity I say a prayer of gratitude about the things I have that are good.
     
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  18. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    I think you are completely wrong to characterize my writing as that of a 15-year old, especially considering that I am a senior citizen who has lived far too much life and handled more situations in my life of a serious magnitude than any teenager could imagine. It is because of responses like yours that I normally don't share the pain that I feel in a space like this. You are showing no consideration for the many years I suffered in a sexless marriage in order to be a good father who was there for my girls nor for the years of introspection and work I have done on myself. Sorry that acknowledging the realities of my feelings gives you the impression I am a whiny teenager but I see my willingness to share as a sign of inner strength. Let's agree to disagree.
     
  19. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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  20. loveprof

    loveprof Member

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    I must say that I am surprised by the extreme positions taken by some of these replies. They seem very myopic. Why does the fact that I have opened up about one area of my life in which I have disappointment lead to conclusions such as me thinking only of sex and not wanting a relationship or that I am not grateful for the good things in my life. Is this how your own life is? Does your unhappiness in one area mean nothing is going well or that you are totally self-involved?

    Actually, I am both very successful and happy and regularly give thanks to God and others for the blessings I have received. I also have many longstanding female friends who, along with my female relatives will tell you I am kind and respectful to them and do all in my power to regularly encourage and help them.

    So let's quit with the shallow comments that make me out to be some one-faceted crybaby and address the fact that I'm a mature, well-liked, successful man who is just seeking advice for one small area of need.

    Thanks to those of you who have seen this from the start and responded accordingly.