New member....awkward situation coming up this weekend

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Dave1348, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. Dave1348

    Dave1348 New Member

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    Hello - I found this site a few days ago, and finally decided to write about something that is happening Saturday night.

    My wife and I have been married 7 years. She broke down last year and confessed to me about an
    affair she had for about 3 months with a guy at the company she worked for (she does not work there anymore)
    Her best friend, Connie, works at the same company and Connie is getting married Saturday. My wife
    is a bridesmaid.
    The guy my wife had the affair with, Kenny , will be there too.

    Of course Connie does not know about the affair, so there would be no reason NOT to invite Kenny
    since they are friends and co-workers.

    I was going to let my wife go on her own, but Kenny is single, and there might just be too much
    temptation there if they are both alone together again.
    So - I am going. And we will probably be sitting close to, if not at, the same co-worker table
    during the reception.
    Kenny does not know that my wife told me about their affair. As far as he knows, she just ended
    things with him since she could not handle the guilt anymore.

    Anyhow - I will basically be hanging out with Kenny - my wife's ex lover - this Saturday night.
    I have to pretend that I don't know anything about he and my wife having sex, but in fact
    I know everything that happened. I probably asked too many questions, but I needed to know
    al the details about what they did.
    I know he has been in my bed, I know about his "size", I know what position was his favorite with my
    wife, and she wife even admitted there were times where she was intimate with Kenny and me on the same day.
    For me - knowing everything was my therapy, so I do know all kinds of sordid details of the affair.

    My wife feels horrible for cheating - she realizes it was a mistake and I do genuinely believe
    her when she tells me how sorry she was that it ever happened. Remember, she was the one who
    came to me first about the affair - she did not have to do that.
    We went to a counselor a few times, but its something we knew we had to work out as a couple, and
    its something we have worked through.
    I almost feel like we are closer now despite her affair, as crazy as that sounds.

    I am debating whether or not to say anything to Kenny...tell him I "know", and that what they had was
    just an affair - but what my wife and I have, and always will have, is a marriage.
    My wife would rather me NOT confront him.
    I hate the idea of Kenny being all smug sitting across from me thinking to himself as he talks to
    us "yeah - I fucked your wife many times in your own bed, sucker"

    Do I say anything to Kenny?
    Do I just ignore him as much as I can?
    Do I just act natural, like being with him is no big deal (that will be tough!)
    Just not sure how to handle it...

    Thanks
     
  2. AJP

    AJP
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    Your wife should have declined being a bridesmaid and you should have made a we will be out of town excuse for not attending the wedding. She is being very insensitive to you and your feelings.

    With that said you are on this forum and not for marriage counseling do you want to see her get laid by Kenny? Do you have fantasies about watching them?
    It's apparent your wife does not know you are on here like many of us.

    Tells us the rest.
     
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  3. SoCalVocal

    SoCalVocal New Member

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    Tough one, man. Really tough one. If it were me, I'd probably have ensured my wife didn't go OR have ensured he got uninvited. She should have either stepped up and told her friend she cheated on you with this dude and his attending was a major issue or backed out herself. She should have handled it FOR you.

    Not only did she cheat on you back whenever, but she's now putting you in an impossible position. It does make me question her love for you, or respect. You have to sit there all night being cuckholded over and over all night long. Even if you say something to the dude, he's still in the power position. He fucked your wife, was in your bed and shit on your marriage.

    I typically like to take the high road, but in this case, I just can't imagine you sitting there all night trying to fake a smile while this dude walks around laughing inside. Not at all cool of your wife to put you in this spot.

    The only positive way this ends is if she pulls the pretty bridesmaid into bed with you two and you have the three way of your life. THAT would be a happy ending. ;0)
     
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  4. lbushwalker

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    Easy answer; talk, get friendly with him, ply him with drinks, make him feel real special like an honoured new friend so to speak then tell him secretively you have something that you want to show him but better outside and.......beat the crap out of him!
    That done, go wash your knuckles clean and then take @SoCalVocal advice with the other bridesmaid ;)
     
  5. SoCalVocal

    SoCalVocal New Member

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    Along those lines, you could bring some Visene with you and put two drops in a drink you buy him. He'll be VIOLENTLY vomiting in no time. Problem solved. You didn't hear it from me!

    And duct tape. Always have duct tape. ;0)
     
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  6. MariaMaria

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    My first question is: What is your reason for telling the guy that you know? So he stays away? To intimidate him? So it makes you feel better?...and, what would you like him to reply back? What if he doesn't say/do what you want him to say/do? How will that make you feel? Do you think it might make you lose control and make a scene? Is all of that worth it? I think these questions are worth considering because you have strong feelings about this. Seeing this guy is making them bubble up, but those feelings won't get resolved by interacting with him. The one who cheated on you and broke your trust is your wife, not him. Your attention would be better spent on working on your relationship.

    I think you should figure out some boundaries for yourself and your wife for that night and plan ahead. That you have control over. For example, if you end up sitting at the same table, decide now how you'll handle it and stick to the plan. What if you agreed that if things get too uncomfortable you and your wife leave?...just some thoughts...a discussion of these things will help you feel better.
     
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  7. Snook

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    your wife really fucked you over. If I stayed with her(which I wouldn't.) I would fuck as many women-as I could. Hell in our bed and let her walk in and catch us. I really feel for you bud and good luck. Oh yeah, I would confront him but that's just me.
     
  8. Invigorated

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    Yes Kenny got one up on you sleeping with your wife, even in your marital bed.
    But you came out the winner as your wife ended it and you say your marriage is stronger than ever.

    Can you keep this in mind?
    Can you keep this in mind when's he's in font of you?
    Can you keep this in mind when he's in front of you and you've been drinking?

    The words 'car' and 'crash' come to mind. This is surely only going to end badly. How about your wife pretending to be ill? You can go out with the married couple to celebrate when they come back from the honeymoon. Failing that you pretend to be ill and trust your wife.

    Or tell your wife how difficult it's going to be and that you need something to look forward to ;) if you make it through the whole thing without throwing a punch. Heck of an incentive to be the bigger man and get a reward :)
     
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  9. SoCalVocal

    SoCalVocal New Member

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    When dating, a girl cheated on me and ultimately told me who after I caught her, cold. Kind of like yours, but much less intense relationship, not married and not several months. A year later, I finally met the guy in the bar and he just smiled like a Cheshire Cat. So proud of himself. I have never been closer to murder, absolutely thought about beating his skull on the bar, breaking a bottle and stabbing him. If he'd have said ONE thing to me, I'd have gone apeshit.

    I say this because although I'm sure you're a much better man, it's SO LIKELY that you'll see red and want to MURDER him on the spot. Or...you'll feel like a schmuck all night with your balls in your wife's purse all night, just like when she was cheating on you. Doesn't end well either way.

    Wife must find a way out, and it doesn't include her going alone. That's BS.
     
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  10. Caljoe

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    I agree with the others, that the best thing is for your wife to pull out of the wedding and you both stay home. If you do end up going and have to interact with Kenny, be very condescending and treat him like you are superior, and whatever he says, he doesn't know what he is talking about. After that treatment, he will probably be looking for someone else to talk to.
     
  11. Dog_E_Ryder

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    Just tell her you are looking forward to it, so you can fuck him up and then just smile about it. She will change her tune about going. She gets mad too bad, she is the one that fucked up to begin with.
    Just reverse the situation, would you put her in the same type of situation? If so... then live with it.
     
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  12. Northside

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    Why would you want to fuck him up? Your wife fucked around on you. If it wasn't him it would have been someone else. If he was your friend, that would be different. If a friend betrays you he's an asshole. Your wife betrayed you. Kenny just did what a lot of other guys would do. He had the opportunity to fuck your wife and took her up on it. If you forgave her, you need to let it go. She betrayed you, not Kenny.
     
  13. Dog_E_Ryder

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    IMO you are wrong, Just because he has forgiven his wife, doesn't mean he has to forgive him. The natural etiquette the way the story reads Dave has every reason to approach the asshole especially with this wedding thing and having the guy right in his face. Fucking with married women can be dangerous to your health that's a proven fact so old Kenny gets and deserves whatever is coming to him. If he was smart he wouldn't show up. lol
    Of course holding no judgement of this in no shape or form without details, just saying the person participating in the affair is guilty as well as the cheating spouse.
     
    #13 Dog_E_Ryder, Aug 25, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2016
  14. Sagittarius84

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    I think the situation's very existence is evidence of your marriage still being in disrepair. Now forgive my personal biases, I tend to be a lot more judgemental about women cheating as opposed to men. I cant begin to understand your wife's motivations for cheating, but im willing to bet it had something to do with you, or rather something you were lacking that she felt entitled to. So understand in most cases her affair was justified in her mind at the time because for whatever reason that guy was "better" than you at the time.
    If she is truly attempting to reconcile with you and earn back your trust, action #1 should be avoiding all contact with this other man. You shouldn't be asking yourself about how you'll react, because it's her responsibility to not put you in this position. My vote is no one goes to the wedding, let her explain as to why, and you guys go on about trying to salvage your marriage.
     
  15. Dave1348

    Dave1348 New Member

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    I'm not sure what most people do, sorry - if they respond to each individual person, or just respond here at the bottom.
    Anyhow - I think if I write here, everyone will see it.

    My wife and Connie have been friends since 3rd grade, so there is no way she could miss the wedding. And my
    wife would never admit to Connie about her affair with Kenny - so like I said before, there is no way Connie would
    give a 2nd thought about inviting him.

    I am sure I left a lot out of my original posting - I am kind of embarrassed at some of the feelings I went through after
    my wife told me. But I did go through all the "normal" emotions at first (anger - hurt - betrayal, etc).
    But we worked past those.

    I did call my wife a couple hours ago - and we decided we would at least leave the reception early (someone suggested here
    that she could pretend to get ill)
    I am hoping the 1 or 2 hours I do have to interact with Kenny wont be that big of a deal.
    There wont be a fight - that never accomplishes anything and could only lead to more trouble.

    Hopefully Kenny will try to avoid us - although I wonder if he would be tempted to buy me a drink just
    to have that inside joke on me or something.

    I do like the suggestion of taking the high road and getting a "reward" from my wife....lol...although the 3some with
    another bridesmaid wont be it.

    I hate to admit this - but part of me would love to ask Kenny all kinds of things - see how his answers match up
    to what my wife has told me. Maybe he would like to gloat - but maybe he feels some shame or remorse and
    would apologize?

    II just wish I could blip ahead and see how it all turns out.....

    Thank you all for the feedback and suggestions though.
     
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  16. Sagittarius84

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    Friend, you>Connie. Your wife's main concern, assuming you are her main concern, should be your happiness and well being, neither of which benefits from contact of any sort with this man. Intellectually and logically you may very well be taking some "high road" by being all friendly and such, but on a primal level she will lose some piece of respect for you. And even though she may stay with you, it will be a point of contention for the remainder of your relationship.
    I understand you are in a tough spot right now because you want to do the "right" thing. She came to her senses, apologized, and so now you should move forward as if better than ever. Unfortunately that is textbook logic which applies soley to textbook relationships, so I'll expand upon my original advice: Not going is still the ideal option, but being as she is the one that broke the vows I think she needs to be making the difficult choices to enable you two to go. For one, fess up to Connie. If a woman can't tell a friend since 3rd grade of her "mistakes"(once or twice over the span of a few days is a mistake, 3 months is a conscious decision, another matter entirely) without fear of rebuke, it's time to reexamine the merits of that friendship..if entirely undoable(though indicative of a lack of dedication to repairing the marriage) she at the very least needs to ask for a friend veto. Make up some story about a weird situation she had at work with Kenny that makes her uncomfortable around him, especially with you there. Granted that could backfire should Connie opt to question Kenny herself, but your wife seems to need a lesson in consequences for living dangerously..If neither is palatable to her(again an indignant dissonance to her responsibility in all this), then she needs to be on the offensive at all times there. Kenny doesn't need any politeness, civil conversation, anything from her..If he attempts to speak to her, she is to loudly and coldly shut it down. If he attempts to speak to you, she is to stop whatever she may be doing at the time to intervene and not give Kenny any opportunity to bask in whatever one up he thinks he has on you.
    What sucks about this situation is ultimately you were driven online to look for advice on a situation you had no part in creating, and therefore no responsibility in solving, whilst she should be the one seeking counsel. And even after the confessions she has the nerve to tell you what she can or can't do because her embarassment weighs above your confidence in your collective relationship.

    Short of all this there are two surefire failsafes to feel better and get your wife's genuine respect back: Beat the shit out of Kenny in front of her, then fuck her brains out afterward, or find a woman she is most intimidated by and let your wife see what attention you can garner if she doesn't shape up. I don't personally recommend either as a civilized solution, but it's always good to have a Plan C or D
     
  17. Englishman

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    The way i see it. Get your wife to phone Kenny and ask him not to go to the wedding.

    If that doesn't work go to the wedding and leave after the photos. Your wife can get ill or something.

    What happens at the Wedding receptions if Kenny starts to talk to your wife. Or ask her for a dance. I would not be able to control myself. I'm sure your wife would not like to mess up her friends wedding day.
     
  18. Sagittarius84

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    I sort of like this solution, but the wife talking to Kenny thing rubs me the wrong way..i feel like if she calls him it should be more of a "my husband knows everything and will be at the wedding, show up at your own risk" conversation, and I think she should honestly prewarn Connie.
     
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  19. Caljoe

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    Wow! This thread has sure drawn a lot of posts in a short time. I hope that Dave1348 will let us all know what happens.
     
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  20. Sagittarius84

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    It hits home on some levels, plus I think Society gives different messages based on gender when it comes to infidelity. I think men in particular get an underlying message that any infidelity practiced by their spouse is ultimately their own fault, and how this guy worded his OP has some hints of that sentiment.