New here, and looking for some thoughts and advice.

Discussion in 'Sexual Fetishes and Fantasies' started by Youngin89, Apr 5, 2013.

  1. Youngin89

    Youngin89 New Member

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    Hello. I'm new here, and looking for some thoughts, opinions and/or advice. I am an almost 24 year old female.

    I am having sex with a married man. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person. Adultery! However, we don't choose who we fall for. He initiated it, and I fell for it. He is happily married, though doesn't talk much of his wife. I do wonder if there are marriage issues however I feel like it would be out of line to ask. So, please don't judge me. Like I said, we don't choose who we fall for. He's literally my best friend, and it's just a friend with benefits thing.

    A few years ago I was raped. I was also forced to perform oral sex. I don't wish to go into details as it is something that for the most part, I've moved on from, though still not 100%.

    I've never been comfortable with my body. Talking about sex is to me, very private and I'm shy. I've master bated since 13/14, and have always felt dirty afterwards. I was raped at 16/17, so the feeling of being dirty didn't stem from that. The man I'm having sex with always asks me what I want to do, or you initiate first. This is where my first "problem" is. I'm shy, simple as that! Is it okay not to initiate? He has more experience; I'm very inexperienced, not quite comfortable with being naked and often, just don't know what I want! I've never been one to have fantasies. He is a larger guy, so me being heavier than I'd like does not bother him in the least. He knows I was raped and is very respectful of my insecurity. It took me a long time to be able to give him a blow job. I'm finally able to, he enjoys it and of course it feels good for me too knowing I did it right and made him feel good. He really wants to cum in my mouth but because of my rape, I said I wasn't ready. He has respected that 100%. I feel 100% safe and comfortable with him. I absolutely trust him and know he won't hurt me. So my question is..... Is it okay for me to not initiate first? I'm just shy, and maybe don't really know how or where to start. It's been baby steps all along. When he asks me what I want to do, is it alright to leave it up to him? I feel like because he's not exactly my boyfriend and we don't go home together and share a bed that its not really my place, and on top of that, he has a lot more experience. Thoughts?

    Another question is, without judging, what makes a married man cheat? Is it okay to ask this in a polite way? Is he not satisfied at home? Is it an ego thing? He is really a good hearted guy, respectful in all aspects of life.

    Some more questions.... He has amazing fingers. Amazing. But, is it okay to ask him to be a bit more gentle and slower? That's what really gets me off. He's a pretty strong guy so I think sometimes he forgets he's being a tad too forceful. It doesn't hurt, it's just a bit too rough for me. I don't want to seem like a wuss either. Also, I'm very short, we're both larger (but have both lost tons of weight!) and he's not overly.... large. So, it's hard for him to get in me deep enough. Any suggestions for this? I have a severe hip injury as well so sometimes opening up enough for him is hard too, and painful so any thoughts on creative positions would be great. I don't really like being on top. Still working on the confidence! I've also noticed that he doesn't like to cum inside me. He always pulls out. Why is this? Do some guys do this? I'm on birth control, so not too concerned about pregnancy, which of course I do know is always a possibility!

    I wear panty liners pretty well everyday. Is this a turn off, guys? I always take them off if I know we're going to be doing something but when we're spontaneous, I find it a tad but embarrassing. Surly guys know that vaginal discharge is part of women's lives?

    I think that's all my questions at the moment but I'm sure ill think of a few others. I'd appreciate any kind and polite responses. And please, again, keep your judgement to yourself! Thanks!
     
    #1 Youngin89, Apr 5, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2013
  2. Meee

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    Welcome to the forums.

    The issue of having been raped is unresolved for you. It's affecting your behavior and your attitude toward yourself. I'm sure there is free counseling in your area for women who have been raped. It will help smooth things out. Then after that, you might have different feelings about some of the other things you asked about. Some of the answers might fall into place. Good luck.
     
  3. justaniceguy

    justaniceguy Member

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    Re: Thoughts?

    dont worry I personally wont judge you. I think if he is happily married then there will be nothing to come out of this for you, sexually that seems he wants his cake, if your happy with this then fine, just dont allow yourself to fall for him caus in my mind he aint going to leave his wife........This is a strainge situation for me, I love my wife but certain things have changed, I never want to leave my wife but a woman thinks Im attractive and says how lucky I am, I said to her that I love my wife and will never leave her, she said she wants me body, I told this woman whom is a lovely woman that I would never hurt her and never will leave my wife. This woman is single and wants some friendly love from me, I told her and agreed, that both her and I are friends, and remain friends, but if she wants some love from me, I told her not to get hurt by it, otherwise I will remain friends with her and no sex.....Most men bullshit to woman, I am not a player but this woman needs some attention...and Im offering ......But I love my wife and will stay by her......Anyway, my wife had an affair not that this makes it right for me to stray but at least Im honest to this woman, so both me and this woman understand this predicament....Good luck to you, Do what you want to do, you have 1 life,
     
  4. Youngin89

    Youngin89 New Member

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    I would not say its unresolved. Of course it will affect certain aspects of my sex life, but not all. There's a huge difference between being a bit shy, and PTSD for lack of a better term. The rape affects me in a few ways, but not all. It doesn't get to ruin or take my life. :)
     
  5. Meee

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    I'm glad that it isn't that bad, but it doesn't have to be that bad to make rape counseling worth while. I'm hearing more than just shyness in the situation you described. I still recommend counseling as a first step to see how it helps with some of these other issues.
     
  6. lbushwalker

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    Re: Thoughts?

    Youngin89, welcome to SF but please do not double post.
    This practice is annoying and splits the responses which is frowned upon.
    I suggest you get the Mods to combine your posts this time around.
    ********************************************************
    This has now been done by the ever vigilant Magic Mitt
     
    #6 lbushwalker, Apr 6, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2013
  7. Mittimer

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    merged double post.
     
  8. lbushwalker

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    First of all Youngin89 please be warmly welcomed to our community.
    Secondly I wish to convey empathy to you and deep regret that one of my own sex has done you harm in such a way but commend you on the manner of your self-healing.
    That said I do believe that what Meee has said is true and that you have suppressed certain things in your life as a result of early taboos and later bad experiences so would benefit greatly from gentle counselling to speed up your recovery and self esteem.
    The first thing you need to gain is..........self love!
    You body is your reality and it is full of wonderful surprises if you only allow them to be realised.
    You mention masturbation; that is great but then feel afterwards that it is somehow "dirty".
    That is an abnormal response to something so wonderfully pleasing, instead you must embrace the glory of it all and only then can you move on with other aspects of the endless possibilities that is human sexuality.
    My advice would be to start with really the basics; baby steps as you call them by gently forcing yourself to watch your own naked image in a mirror then eventually daring yourself to explore your own body looking on voyeur-like. In this way you will learn that nothing about yourself is bad or unnatural and you will become more self accepting.
    You also mention that you have no sexual fantasies which again is bizarre since everyone has them (also sex dreams) so you must be unconsciously suppressing such thoughts.
    Sex is only in small part physical maybe 20% but the rest is in the mind so don't shut out your biggest sexual organ!
    You ask many other questions but really the answers would be meaningless until you get the basics sorted.
    BTW, nobody cares about your panty liners and anyway most of my past and present ladies use them as you do; no big deal we all know ladies leak............especially when horny ;)
    As for your guy, communication is the key there. If he is too rough simply show him exactly how you want to be touched; again very basic stuff.
    Also if you want to keep up his sexual interests you are going to have to start educating yourself on arousal & other sexual matters.
    Dr Google is your best friend in this regard.
    Keep posting of your developments and discoveries; you will make many friends here.
    Wishing you well.
    Bush
    Afterthought on sexual position for deeper penetration with crook hips; doggy style which I prefer o call it "Tiger Style" however warning you need to be able to handle the thought of being "possessed" grrrrrrr :D
     
    #8 lbushwalker, Apr 6, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2013
  9. Youngin89

    Youngin89 New Member

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    Re: Thoughts?

    Thank you :)
     
  10. Youngin89

    Youngin89 New Member

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    Thank you for all your advice! I had a good laugh at your last comment!

    As for feeling dirty re: masterbating, I should have clarified a bit better. During my younger days, I for sure felt dirty, in later years, have not.

    I know my brain and body too well-lol! I really, really don't feel that this is a counselling type of problem so much as it is a physical problem. I say this because I'm on very high doses of pain meds which I think have contributed to killing my sex drive. I believe Fentanyl is known for that? I do actually have an appointment with my GP on Tuesday so may bring it up.

    I'm comfortable when it's just me and my body, it's just I'm a little less comfortable when it comes to being naked in front of others! I can say with confidence, that I'm overcoming that though. I really feel its a shyness factor, rather than my past.... and I'm truly not saying that to brush off what happened, or because I'm trying to forget it, I really believe that the issues at hand are simply being shy, and really not knowing what I want! ;)