Hello. I'm new here, and looking for some thoughts, opinions and/or advice. I am an almost 24 year old female. I am having sex with a married man. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person. Adultery! However, we don't choose who we fall for. He initiated it, and I fell for it. He is happily married, though doesn't talk much of his wife. I do wonder if there are marriage issues however I feel like it would be out of line to ask. So, please don't judge me. Like I said, we don't choose who we fall for. He's literally my best friend, and it's just a friend with benefits thing. A few years ago I was raped. I was also forced to perform oral sex. I don't wish to go into details as it is something that for the most part, I've moved on from, though still not 100%. I've never been comfortable with my body. Talking about sex is to me, very private and I'm shy. I've master bated since 13/14, and have always felt dirty afterwards. I was raped at 16/17, so the feeling of being dirty didn't stem from that. The man I'm having sex with always asks me what I want to do, or you initiate first. This is where my first "problem" is. I'm shy, simple as that! Is it okay not to initiate? He has more experience; I'm very inexperienced, not quite comfortable with being naked and often, just don't know what I want! I've never been one to have fantasies. He is a larger guy, so me being heavier than I'd like does not bother him in the least. He knows I was raped and is very respectful of my insecurity. It took me a long time to be able to give him a blow job. I'm finally able to, he enjoys it and of course it feels good for me too knowing I did it right and made him feel good. He really wants to cum in my mouth but because of my rape, I said I wasn't ready. He has respected that 100%. I feel 100% safe and comfortable with him. I absolutely trust him and know he won't hurt me. So my question is..... Is it okay for me to not initiate first? I'm just shy, and maybe don't really know how or where to start. It's been baby steps all along. When he asks me what I want to do, is it alright to leave it up to him? I feel like because he's not exactly my boyfriend and we don't go home together and share a bed that its not really my place, and on top of that, he has a lot more experience. Thoughts? Another question is, without judging, what makes a married man cheat? Is it okay to ask this in a polite way? Is he not satisfied at home? Is it an ego thing? He is really a good hearted guy, respectful in all aspects of life. Some more questions.... He has amazing fingers. Amazing. But, is it okay to ask him to be a bit more gentle and slower? That's what really gets me off. He's a pretty strong guy so I think sometimes he forgets he's being a tad too forceful. It doesn't hurt, it's just a bit too rough for me. I don't want to seem like a wuss either. Also, I'm very short, we're both larger (but have both lost tons of weight!) and he's not overly.... large. So, it's hard for him to get in me deep enough. Any suggestions for this? I have a severe hip injury as well so sometimes opening up enough for him is hard too, and painful so any thoughts on creative positions would be great. I don't really like being on top. Still working on the confidence! I've also noticed that he doesn't like to cum inside me. He always pulls out. Why is this? Do some guys do this? I'm on birth control, so not too concerned about pregnancy, which of course I do know is always a possibility! I wear panty liners pretty well everyday. Is this a turn off, guys? I always take them off if I know we're going to be doing something but when we're spontaneous, I find it a tad but embarrassing. Surly guys know that vaginal discharge is part of women's lives? I think that's all my questions at the moment but I'm sure ill think of a few others. I'd appreciate any kind and polite responses. And please, again, keep your judgement to yourself! Thanks!