New Girlfriend - Need Help

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Harley, May 1, 2011.

  1. Harley

    Harley New Member

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    OK, so I have this new girlfriend and can't seem to get her off. This is a first for me, however, I am not a quitter, so I would appreciate some help.

    So, I am 49 and she is 47 and pre-menopause. We are very open talking about sex and, naturally, she has no problem making me happy. She can make herself achieve orgasm, but I appear helpless in doing so, myself, for the first time in my life. I love to perform oral on her, but that has not worked to a climax so far. She really enjoys oral, as I do enjoy giving it, but it just takes forever and ever and nothing that resembles an orgasm ever comes of it. I have had a fair bit of experience and do understand what I must do to achieve orgasm in this manner with every other partner I've ever had.

    She says the only way she can climax is to lie on her tummy and use her fingers or vibrator. A lot of times when we're together, even she is unable to reach climax herself. I've never been with a partner that has ever had such difficulty. I've tried using my fingers, but can seem to make it work for her. We've tried various positions performing intercourse and rubbing the spot with my fingers, but that doesn't work either...and that has been very successful in the past with most of my previous girlfriends, including my ex wife.

    We are still quite new, but I'm starting to feel inadequate at this point. I know she loves me, as do I her. She seems willing to want to experiment, so I would like some advice on what to do or what to ask from her. She is OK with me using toys and she really wants me to be a part of it. So what do you suggest I do to get her off her stomach and have an orgasm with me?

    I love her very much and I'm concerned this could be a problem if I don't find a way. Besides, what man in love doesn't want to make his partner happy in every way?
     
  2. HardRocker

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    While you're giving her oral, have you paused and asked what she thinks you could do differently?
    Maybe she's over stimulated from relying on the vibe.
     
  3. Harley

    Harley New Member

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    You know, that's what I thought, but she says she doesn't use it that often.

    She says what I do feels great and she does ask me to do certain things like sucking on the clit, etc, etc. She has no problem saying what feels good and what she likes me to do...it's just getting to that final part that appears impossible, at least so far. It is not from lack of trying. I'm guessing, but the last time I spent almost a half hour just performing oral with the intent of giving her an orgasm and nada. It is so frustrating!
     
  4. HardRocker

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    This would be an awkward question, but do you know if her most recent lovers have been able to get her there?
     
  5. Harley

    Harley New Member

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    They could, sometimes, but only if she is on her stomach with their fingers or with a vibrator. She loves sex otherwise and often initiates it with me. She likes pleasing me, but it can't keep going on like that. I have not tried with a vibrator yet, and that seems like the next natural step. I am at a loss here. I can't say I feel good about it either.
     
  6. HardRocker

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    So this isn't new for her with you. Maybe it's just her. You know how mental guys can be. That can interfere with a womans orgasm just as badly. But it's almost never the partner's fault. Keep at it. As more familiarity develops, maybe she'll get past it if it is mental.
     
  7. Meee

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    "She loves sex otherwise and often initiates it with me. She likes pleasing me." Sounds nice. "It can't keep going on like that." Actually, it can. At least for a while.

    You sound like you're in a hurry, and you sound like you're making her orgasm a goal ("I spent almost a half hour just performing oral with the intent of giving her an orgasm."). Both of those things aren't so good. Your relationship is still new. Relationships take time to grow. You love each other. So you're devoted to taking that time. You are, aren't you?

    Be with her when she masturbates. Give her time to get more comfortable with you being affectionate with her while she's doing it. More importantly--and it really is more important--work on the non-sexual front. Make sex part of a whole relationship. Go out on dates, do things together during the day, share each other's lives, spend whole days and nights together without having sex at all. Take the pressure off. Do things together that make you want to say "That was a really good day," even if you didn't have sex.
     
  8. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    I say, give it time, and let things progress naturally.

    Ask for feedback sometime when you're not in the bedroom. See if she likes what you're doing overall, and finds it pleasurable. If she insists you're doing fine, don't worry about underperforming.

    I'd bet it's just a mental adjustment that needs to be made, due to the newness for both of you. If I had to put money on it, I'd bet you'll be rocking her world before too long.
     
  9. Mobius

    Mobius New Member

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    great advice!!
     
  10. Harley

    Harley New Member

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    Maybe I am too intent on the big "O". I have had a lot of partners in my life and this is completely new for me. I know she loves me, as I do her, so I will take the slow approach and see. Thanks for the advise.
     
  11. HardRocker

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    Sounds like a good plan. I think Andretti and Meee nailed it down pretty good.
     
  12. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    Yeah... it's easy to focus on the destination and take the journey for granted, and that can actually make it end up as no orgasm. Orgasms are 90% mental, relaxation and a clear head are really huge and sometimes it's not about the physical motions your bodies are going through. And the idea that an orgasm is supposed to happen but isn't can by itself be enough pressure to prevent the kind of relaxation and clear head needed to orgasm.

    You can look into a sex therapist if you think you need it, if you have Netflix look up a series they did on Showtime called Sexual Healing to get some idea what that's all about. It's actually 75-90 percent about the relationship and communication and stuff, and the process you are likely to go through starts with that and has exercises that start with non-sexual touching and you aren't supposed to have sex so you can appreciate the things leading up to orgasm and those are the goal, not the orgasm.

    Hope that helps
     
  13. Harley

    Harley New Member

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    Update:

    Thanks for all your advise. Things have improved 10 fold. We're taking much longer at foreplay which has helped greatly. I've been creating a wonderful atmosphere first by lighting candles, soft relaxing music, and starting her off with a nice body massage with a nice oil. She loves it! We've been spending more and more time working up to the pleasures at hand and with no orgasm goal in mind. It's working! She has been able to achieve several orgasms since my original post.

    It still requires a heck of a lot of stimulation though. I had no idea an orgasm could be such a complex thing. Thanks for all your advise!