Never had an O w/ hubby...help?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Lusty Dreams, Aug 7, 2006.

  1. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    After reading here for a couple of weeks, and learning so many things, I feel that it has become very easy to open up on here. And so many of yall are honest as can be. So it makes this subject all the more easier. Please
    bear w/ me on this.

    I have been w/ my current hubby for 4 years. We started out having an amazing sex life, and things were great. We are in our late 20's btw. But thing is, I have never been able to have an orgasm w/ him-EVER. NADA, not one time :ugh

    I can finish myself w/ toys, but not w/ him. I am SEVERELY frustrated and have tried to talk to him about it w/ no avail. I wish he would get online and do some research or show an effort in trying to make things better for us. I asked him the other day if he were to have sex, and not finish, would he still make the effort? He didn't answer.

    Our sex life has died out to maybe once every 2 weeks. It isn't just me not wanting it, it's just that he can do and say some things sometimes that KILL any mood I have for him. A non-healthy sexual relationship can cause a lot of damage to a marriage.

    I just feel like I am the only one who gives a damn, and that kills my self-esteem. I'm a fitness instructor, eat right, and care about my health and looks, probably a bit overboard, but consider myself physically attractive.
    He just isn't into the health scene the way he SHOULD be right now, which I can't respect. But I don't say a word to him about it. Better he figure that out on his own.

    Anyway, I guess that is why lust feels so good to think about and visualize.
    The thought of cheating hurts me deep inside, but I HAVE NO WAY to release my sexual tension. Masturbating isn't all its cracked up to be. I feel like I deserve a sexual partner, that cares as much about sex as I do, and all the goodies that go with it.

    15 minutes right before bed ever 10-15 nights IS NOT working for me.

    I have asked him about it, and he even swears to not masturbating. So someone tell me??? How can a 28 year old man, not masturbate or have sex w/ his wife be sexually happy? Or just ok enough to not bring it up, like the problem it is and figure it out?

    Could he be cheating??????? I have thought about a PI for a long time, but have never done it. He swears he loves me. But I need a more aggressive man in my life. And I have been so attracted to older men lately it is killing me. I am talking those hot 40 something year olds w/ just a touch of gray in their hair. Oh, my.

    I want to feel amazed after sex, LIKE A WOMAN. And I don't see why I don't get that??

    How can he finish every time after sex, and just go to sleep? And knowing that I NEVER EVER FINISH w/ him? Or he never attempts to finish me or make sex last. BTW, what is foreplay? Did I blink and miss something? When he licks me down there, sure it feels good, about as good as a back massage, i.e., I could go to sleep.

    FYI, I have never had an orgasm by oral stimulation. And w/ my previous husband, the only way I could have one, was by riding backwards, and that is when he could last that long.

    I think I hold a big resentment inside to my hubby, but how could I not? 4 years and never one orgasm from him. Who does he love, me or himself.

    I have also tried having an orgasm w/ the toys in front of him. That ends up doing nothing.

    Whenever it is going to be a *hot* night, I feel like I initiate or suggest everything. I feel like I always do all the work. I used to dress up in cheerleader outfits, nurse, french maid, school girl, you name it, I got it honey! But I have no desire for that stuff anymore b/c I again will be doing all the work.

    Have I tried to talk to him? Hell yes. Has it ever helped? Hell no.

    I would appreciate yalls input.

    Thanks :nerv
     
  2. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Here is an example of what would be a HUGE turn on for me.

    If he would just simply, out of the blue, stop by the adult toy shop on the way home one day, and bring home some new lube, panties, or a toy he would like me to try in front of him, or on me.

    SIMPLE stuff.

    I don't want to TELL him this stuff, b/c that would kill the sponatity of it all.
    He would simply be doing what I told him to do. Boring.
     
  3. pirouette

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    Dear Lusty,
    You have posted on this issue before. Sounds like the communication barrier isn't coming down. Obviously, this is going to take the right amount of tact to open the conversation with him. Could he be cheating? Yes. But he's the only one that can answer that for you. I suggest a more stern approach in your conversation. It is important that you try not to be confrontational and accusatory if you want the discussion to go anywhere. I would state my needs as a wife. I would state the obvious solutions to the problem. And then I'd ask which option he thinks you should chose. Don't close the conversation until you get the answers you seek. Just my honest opinion......I'd ask if he's having second thoughts about the marriage.
    Good luck.
     
  4. pussycat69

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    I don't blame you.Has he had issues in the past that could be effecting his sex-drive or willingness?
     
  5. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    He has told me that he has only been w/ one other girl before me. I find that VERY hard to believe, since he went through 4 years of college, living in an apartment off campus, ect. He was still w/ her though, it was a high school sweetheart.

    I did catch him in a lie a couple of years back. I made up a fake email address, and said I was an old friend of his from school trying to look him up. I sent him fake pics, everything. He ball face lied to me about talking to that chic. He told me someone had emailed him, but told me he didn't email her back. That is bull b/c I carried it on for weeks, then broke it off.
    Just to prove it to myself.
     
  6. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    You're right about that accusation stuff. I am bad about it sometimes :( I just feel so frustrated that he won't ever try, just try to help out our sex life. I probably could deal w/ it if he would just SHOW some caring about it.
    He is one of those types that thinks "it can only get better, and I will take care of it later."

    I have asked him about cheating, and he swears against it. I just can't see how a once sexual guy can just channel all that sexual energy off so easily, and seem like he is so content w/ our lack of sex. I mean he NEVER brings it up...about how he misses sex or ever tries to talk to me about it.
    Ya know? And I just lay there at night, being eat up inside with it, knowing
    if I try to talk about, I get to run straight into a brick wall :(

    Lust has become easy thoughts for me. I find myself getting wet down there when I have those thoughts....about someone else.
     
  7. pirouette

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    Sounds like you have become friends instead of lovers. My husband is my best friend and my lover. If he stopped being my lover....I might have to discuss changing the nature of relationship. In other words, divorce. I don't think I could put him through a life long marriage if he wasn't interested in me as a lover. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.
    I wonder what's going on in his head. I wonder why his sex drive dissappeared. And I wonder what the real issue behind it all is.
    And of course.....accusing, arguing, shouting, complaining and nagging will get you no where. Instead open the subject politely. Express your concern with his happiness. Try to stay focused on his goals, desires and needs during your conversation. I know it can be difficult when you're so frustrated.....
     
  8. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    It does sound like you 2 are having real problems. You are in the prime of your sexual life and should be having 2 or 3 great orgasms a week at least. He needs to work at giving you orgasms whatever way he can, orally usually works best. Not some a half hearted effort for 2 minutes down there because that's just a tease for you. He needs to work at bringing you to an orgasm. If he's not putting in the effort at that then there is a problem. Is it possible he is just inexperienced and doesn't know what to do? Could he benefit from some better sexual knowledge? Not sure what to do, he has to want to work at it more and it shouldn't be an effort to get your woman off.
     
  9. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    That friends instead of lovers bit sounds just like what is going on. We had sex last night, but I felt like I really pushed him to have it. I mean, he wanted after I talked about it and enticed him. Men are visual creatures as we women are more emotional/feeling creatures. So I try to think on his level.

    I will try the opposite approach to figuring out what is going on w/ what he wants, and his desires, no matter how hard it is to hear. I will have to have a xanax or something to sit still and keep my mouth shut ;)
     
  10. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Yeah, I agree. We had sex last night, and it was actually pretty good. But again, I didn't get to finish, and he never tried. The 2 minutes down there does get old, that is what it feels like anyway. It is stale foreplay. I get bored easy with it, but never say it out loud, to keep the sex alive.

    It just seems he is perfectly happy with how things are. He comes and goes as he pleases, and tells me he loves me, etc. How long can a person live like this, I don't know.

    I wish he would take it upon himself to gain MORE sexual knowledge or something.
     
  11. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    The orgasm is the whole reason to have sex, it's the big release. I could never leave a woman not getting her end of it. Tell to talk to me I'll set him straight :dgrin
     
  12. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    Lusty, the more I think about this the more I think he may just need some direction. I agree that you probably will need to be a little more firm in the discussion, tell him you were looking at articles on the web on female orgasm or bought a book or something.

    Here's the basis of the issue and I think you can find stuff on the web to support this: women just take a lot longer to cum than men and a very large percentage of women (I forget the exact estimate) can not cum from intercourse - oral sex is the best answer.

    In his mind the timeline goes like this:
    Foreplay -> Intercourse -> Male orgasm

    Whoops you didn't cum, nothing I could do, I lasted as long as I could. Sounds like he thinks oral sex is just foreplay (the 2 minutes you mention). Could be inexperience, could be bad habit picked up if he watches porn (the actors often just go down for only a couple minutes beforehand).

    Here's what I recommend: The "Ladies First" method ;)
    Foreplay -> Oral sex -> Female orgasm -> Intercourse -> Male orgasm

    Putting aside his oral technique for a second because that's another topic itself, this timeline will get you off first and then the mutual fun happens. The beauty of this is that both of you cum plus you have intercourse on top of it and whatever happens there is bonus! You'll be so excited after you cum orally that the intercourse will be even better for both of you. My girl is like a tiger after she cums...really really needing to be banged good which makes it all the more exciting.
     
    #12 MikeDog, Aug 9, 2006
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2006
  13. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    MikeNJ,

    I like your timeline :) It just seems I never get close to being able to finish with him. A couple of months ago, we tried just oral on me. And after about 15 minutes down there, I was almost numb and really sensitive. And really wasn't interested in getting sore from all the licking, ect. What he does feels good and all, it just doesn't get me near there.

    I know a lot of this stuff is in my head right now to. With all these communication issues we have, my heart/body isn't even into sex right now. Much less being able to relax.

    I get frustrated with his lack to try new things, and do some searching on his own. It's a turn off to be his coach. I like the idea of a man knowing how to do his thing w/ me. Thank you for your reply!
     
  14. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    Has to be his oral technique then, 15 mins is enough time to get a girl off orally. I saw you looked at the oral technique thread I pulled up :tup That's a start, maybe he can get some ideas. He may not be chaging things up and concentrating too much on 1 area making it numb. Gotta be creative and mix it up. I hear what you are saying about being his coach, you just want him to know the moves. Hard to get the whole picture over the web too, maybe we've stumbled on to an idea for a business - in person sex instruction :lol
     
  15. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Yeah, no doubt that would be a good business, especially if the results cum w/ a guarentee :brow

    It seems a lot of other things in out lives have taken place of sex. Sex has been last on the list for a long time, and I am quite wore out from being the one TRYING to keep it alive by talking about it, and initiating new moves and not wanting to be a coach. And never getting anything out of all that effort :eek:
     
  16. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    Nice idea :D
     
  17. Bubsy

    Bubsy New Member

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    You sound like me..... but its reversed. I'm a very sexual guy and my girl could probably never have sex again and I work out all the time to get a good body and hers isn't what it used to be, which was perfect....life sux.
     
  18. Dvusdouglas

    Dvusdouglas New Member

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    Sometimes to get what you want.....you have to Lead the way. Next time you all go at it, try playing the director.....Tell him what you want. Tell Him you wanna feel his tongue inside of you, when he is not where you want him " a little to the left....lower......right there" If he can't get it right, get the toys out.......have him start playing with them, then put your hands on his and say..." like this" and show him. Communication is the key to great sex.

    Once a friend told me he had a "too long blow job" ((WTF)) Is there such a thing??? Did he ever tell the woman he was with something was wrong...NO
    So he got what he got.......Sometimes I like a really wet one, sometimes deeper is better, and sometimes I like it rougher......But unless I let the female know, she does it the way she THINKS I want it.....

    Dvus
     
  19. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Thanks for your reply. But you see, I am tired of being the coach. We have been together 4 years, and he has never given me an orgasm. Don't you think I have tried communication until I just gave up on it? For me to be the coach, is a huge turn off now. He knows me, and what I like. I see it as selfish that he doesn't try new things himself for us and look up some information of his own. This guy is very internet and book intelligent. If he wants to FIND something out-HE WILL.

    I want my man to be 100% confident and show it. I want him to KNOW how to take care of me. Not lean on me for the understanding. It gets so boring.

    He has wanted sex the past few nights. But instead of TELLING me what he wants, he tells me this, "I MISS you honey." That is about it. Not, honey, I need you, I want you, and I miss our sex. What can I do to help?

    Ya know? Plus, I am so tired of games, I have absolutely NO sex drive right now :( When a women feels like she has to be a mother, wife, and maid it's a HUGE turnoff.

    I have told him this stuff until I was blue in the face. You think I would be here complaining about it, if he had changed?

    Why would I be interested in laying there tonight while he bangs away to get his. What do I get out of it?
     
  20. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Okay, first I think we have to redirect this anger. Dvus was trying to help. If your opinion is that you are not going to coach him or direct him, then there is nothing we can do to help, is there? Does he KNOW you have never had an orgasm with him? Does he KNOW he's doing it wrong?

    We all want to work with you here, and I understand this is a very frustrating issue, and that you're angry. But I don't think you should be angry at us. It seems there are three choices. 1. Keep finding different ways to communicate your needs with him until he hears you. 2. Let things remain exactly as they are until your anger boils over. 3. Give up on the relationship. Right?