Never a "normal" sex life?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Trond, Feb 15, 2011.

  1. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi folks.
    I guess I have been whining a bit about this before, but I just wanted to "air out" some thoughts.

    I frankly don't think my wife and I will ever have a "normal" sex life. I am a relatively horny (OK sometimes VERY horny) guy, and she seems to lack libido almost entirely. I have tried to pinpoint what exactly the problem is, and I found a number of things:
    -She often feels that it hurts. She sometimes blames my "large size" but I think I am rather normal. Lubes help a little, but she still does not enjoy it.
    -She is extremely ticklish. Sounds like a strange problem, I know, but it made her recent trial run with a vibrator a fiasco. It also makes touching her body (particularly breasts) difficult.
    -She has some body image issues. I like her body, but she is shy about it. I know this can kill the libido for some people, but it's not the whole story. A few months back she was in very good shape, and proud of it. It still did not make her horny, but later putting on some weight while she was ill (+Christmas) certainly did not help.
    -She simply doesn't think about sex the way I do. She can go for months living happily without it.

    For the record, we don't have kids. Would have been a nice excuse, but no.

    Some might wonder why we stay together. Good question, but I guess you could say that we are firmly "emotionally attached". We have gotten each other out of some bad situations before, and we would do it again. We have traveled the world together, and I sometimes feel that I would never find anybody I would rather do that with. In some ways, we are very similar. We're both a bit "bookish", non-religious, and a bit childish at times. :) She is more than willing to experiment, as she is almost as curious and inquisitive as I am. This is why she has been trying vibrators, and even coming with me to strip clubs and some other "kinky" stuff. It never really made a difference in the long run though.

    I sometimes wonder if my situation is far more common than we think. You hear stories of 1st World War ladies who were told to "lie back and think of England". You could almost say that we have tried that too, but it's not exactly my idea of a good time. I frankly think it's a turn-off when I know she doesn't like it. She is also not good at hiding her discomfort :ugh

    I guess this thread can be for people who want to vent a bit about their similar frustrations. I know there are a number of couples here with the roles reversed (him lacking libido, leaving her horny and frustrated). Helpful suggestions are also welcome, of course, although I am not really expecting a "miracle cure". :eyes
     
  2. nurseharley

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    1,618
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    sweet home...
    every inch of her body is ticklish? what did the vibrator do to "tickle" her in the wrong way? maybe she needs a regular dildo.

    i've already said enough :p
     
  3. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    Not far from it! It was actually a bit hilarious to see her with the vibrator, as it looked like she was "tickle-torturing" herself. I guess we got a good laugh though. :lol
     
  4. nurseharley

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    1,618
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    sweet home...
    if i knew i was ticklish all over then i probably wouldnt have bought a vibrator....
     
  5. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    :lol I told her it probably wouldn't work. But frankly, she has never expressed being ticklish THERE before.

    The vibrator idea reflects part of who she is. She has a tendency to think that buying new "stuff" will fix things. She is also eager to try out things that others enjoy, just to see what it's like. This was why her friend had an easy time convincing her to try and smoke.....never mind;)
     
    #5 Trond, Feb 15, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2011
  6. phil anderer

    phil anderer New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK
    Sometimes you do not realise how crap your sex life is until you try it out elsewhere.
     
  7. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    This might be a physical problem or it might be lack of arousal and insufficient vaginal dilation. For the former, I suggest a visit to the doctor, and for the latter, well... You probably know my size, it's a bit longer than average and very, very thick. I have never actually hurt a woman, except on initial penetration, and if that happens I go slow until her arousal is complete and then it's okay. Had one semi-regular partner who was close to being hurt by me, but she described it as uncomfortable rather than painful, and in this case I'm sure I was just too big. So the thing is that the vagina can easily accomodate very large penises without pain, so it's either a physical problem or a mental block.

    My wife is ticklish and I am more so. What has worked for us is a firmer touch.

    Most women have body image problems! My wife is shy of her body, but she is reassured that she turns me on. Because I know of the way she feels, I do genuinely tell her how much she arouses me. The most beautiful woman I ever had in my life had body image problems, and she was tall and shapely and busty but not huge and just gorgeous.

    This is a common thing, and it's felt that the female libido declines within a relationship regardless of children or not. Two studies have pinpointed this and discovered two exceptions: one is where the man is better educated and / or earns a lot of money. In these cases, libido generally doesn't decline, and it was felt that these women subconciously continue to trade sex to keep a man they regard as a good catch.

    In my case I am married to an African woman who has a very different cultural take on sex, and she's always been very sexual, the way you can imagine, say, a typical African man to have a rampant libido. I take this as the African woman is a mirror-image of the African man.

    I think that, overall, you've got to investigate the pain issue, and probably the other issues, lack of libido in particular, might get resolved if you can find out why.
     
  8. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks Cbrmale. For the record, I think I may have overemphasized the ticklishness, as this is something we have been able to work around before. It has lead to a couple of silly situations though (as mentioned above).

    Her libido was never high, and I have always been the one initiating sex, but over time she seems to feel more and more that it's a "chore":ugh. To be honest, the fact that her work is a bit stressful may also contribute a bit here. I don't think money and education is an issue, although it would have been nice to have more money I guess :eyes.

    I think she asked her doctor about the pain, but perhaps she should do a more thorough examination of that problem.
     
  9. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    Trond,
    I think most men initiate sex most of the time, but what happens after is what really counts. I suggest and my wife responds, and over time I felt like she was doing it to please me. I bought a game where some of the questions were very personal, and that's when I discovered just how much she enjoys sex, especially having me inside her. From then on I felt better about initiation.

    Your solution might be to investigate the pain, but don't fret if you find yourself still initiating a lot of the time.
     
  10. HisLilSecret

    HisLilSecret New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2010
    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    North Florida
    Is she maybe on any medication that might be effecting her sexual drive?
     
  11. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    She uses Depo-Provera (injected contraceptive) not only for birth control (which is rapidly becoming unnecessary:ugh) but also because it removes her painful menstruation.
     
  12. HisLilSecret

    HisLilSecret New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2010
    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    North Florida
    I did a google search & there seems to be alot of articles about depo & loss of sex drive. Even that it can be used as almost a chemical castration for men.
     
  13. CruelTease

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2010
    Messages:
    448
    Likes Received:
    168
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    UK
    I was on depo years ago, I found the weight gain and loss of sex drive unbearable!
     
  14. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks girls! I thought we checked this before, but it didn't seem to be a serious problem. Perhaps we were too willing to believe the pamphlets from the drug industry. I found this quote online: "It's given to sex offenders as a chemical castration to kill their sex appetite". Holy shit.

    It's going to be difficult to find an alternative though. Her menstruation was really bad before she started taking it, and the reduction of pain was a huge relief for her. :ugh

    Her sex-drive was always rather low, so I thought that it was just a natural progression from there, but now I'm wondering if Depo-Provera could have killed her libido altogether.

    Please let me know if you have any alternatives (particularly if it also helps with menstrual pain).
     
  15. Dragon_Fire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,893
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    My friend used a Mirena for menstrual pain. She claimed that because it was inserted directly into the womb it basically just acted there rather than affecting the whole system like The Pill, Depo-Provera or Implanon would. I don't know if this was completely true but it may be worth looking into.
     
  16. nurseharley

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    1,618
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    sweet home...
    wasnt mirena recalled?
     
  17. SexyBeto

    SexyBeto New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2010
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Austin
    Have you ever tried having a nice dinner with "alcohol" I'm not saying ge her drunk forthe purpose of sex but I'm sure it can help loosen her up and enjoy herself more. Then after that enjoyable experience maybe she'll want more.
     
  18. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    The pill didn't affect my wife's sex drive, and I think different hormonal birth control methods have different outcomes.
     
  19. Dragon_Fire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,893
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    :)
    Apparently not over here.

    Actually I can't find evidence of it being recalled anywhere else despite some claims of unpleasant side effects but then again all hormonal contraceptives have risks attached.
     
    #19 Dragon_Fire, Feb 21, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2011
  20. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for the replies boys and girls!

    When searching for similar situations in the forums I came upon this reply by Rocket Queen on the subject of the partner "quitting" sex:
    "If there was no good reason, I wouldn't leave him but I would take in a lover, if he wasn't happy with that then he could leave me."
    I cautiously suggested this (i.e. introducing another woman into or love life) to my wife, even suggesting that this other woman could help "warm her up" in bed if she wanted, and I got some very confused replies. At first she seemed a bit uncertain, but mildly interested. She even teased me a little with it later. Then, when I gave her some further details about a woman who just might be interested in this, she freaked out a bit. She frantically started thinking about alternatives, and decided to call a sex therapist.

    So, the latest development is that my wife has made an appointment with a therapist (in two weeks:ugh). Does anyone here have experience with that? Any positive results?