Need your opinions on a poem I wrote for my girl friend

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by GentleManSteve, May 18, 2007.

  1. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    Need your opinions on a poem I wrote for my girl friend.

    Honest opinions please

    Alexis it is hard to tell you how I truly feel
    Truth is I need your loving to keep from feeling ill
    Days I do not get to talk I feel sick to my stomach
    When we do talk I feel like I'm on mount Everest all the way at the summit
    Taking in the view on the highest mountain on earth
    Breathing in the cold air and feeling like I have just seen a childs birth
    But the the birth I wittiness was my own
    Witnessing the birth of my love has come over me like a cyclone
    I can not express in words this awesome feeling
    But I use to be sad and lonely but with you my heart as started back healing
    Never thought I would ever meet somebody like you
    But I prayed every day for it to come true
    Now my prayers are coming together
    Nothing will ever take you away not even the worst of weather
    When I take a big breath of air and smell all the flowers and grass
    I think about you and just know I have found love at last
    A love I want to last forever and ever
    Our love can go on and on and on and on and on baby that is our endeavor
    Walk this path that God has laid out befor us
    My love is higher than it ever was and need you to give it a truss
    Alexis baby my love is hear to stay
    Nothing will ever tear it down no how or no way
    I will fight the fight that life has to offer
    I will get a hole in one every time like a skilled golfer
    Now that I am comparing my love to a game of golf
    If I put my ball of love one the tee Tiger Woods wouldn't be able to knock if off
    No matter how many times he takes a swing
    He will yell out I can not even budge this damn thing
    Time after time he will try to knock it
    Little does he know it can not even be up rooted with a missile and a rocket
    I do not care how many times he swings that club
    He will yell out I can not budge this ball of love
    That ball of love will not even be moved by a bull dozer
    Because it is in an unbreakable enclosure
    Now if I take my club of love and swing that ball will go sailing
    But like a lost letter it will return after it has been mailing
    It will return straight to your heart
    Just like it was sent from cupid's dart
    It will never be defiling
    My love will always keep you smiling
    That is no if ands or butts
    My love has blood tears and guts
    Alexis baby I hope you know
    My love will be strong like a never ending river flow
    carving its path in the earth as it goes all the way to the ocean
    My love has a never ending passion and devotion
    I know our love is an unbreakable bond
    If I ever lost your love I would be lost in the great beyond
    Not really existing just being in despair
    Crying out without any prayer
    to hurt to even think
    In the ocean or despair I would just sink
    I would just sink like a rock to the bottom of the deepest part
    I will yell out God please mend my broken heart
    I will just hear him say just open your eyes
    I open my eyes to a great surprise
    I look at a picture of you in your wheel chair
    God says My child why the despair
    She loves you more than anything or anybody ever before
    I brought you two together for ever more
    Now sit up and take notice
    and tell her you will be the devotest
    Tell her you will devote all your time to pleasing her
    And be honest and say I can not promise that hard times will not occure
    But tell her no matter what life throws at you
    Your love will see it through
    Tell her how true your love really is
    She will know your love is true and seal it with a kiss like this
    God kissed me on my forehead
    Without any words or anything said
    I knew in my heart that we are meant to be together
    When God sealed our love with a kiss on the wings of a doves feather
    He lifted my despair and gave me new hope
    To climb this mountain no matter how steep the slope
    I will climb mount Everest all the way to the summit
    And just float into space and catch a commit
    I will ride it straight back to your heart
    And reinsure you nothing can ever tear our love apart
    I will tell you everything god said
    And How he sealed our love with a kiss to my forehead
    And I will seal it to with a kiss to yours
    I will let you know you are the only one I adores
    I will tell you how true my love really is
    But you will know because I just sealed it with a kiss like this
    I will reseal it every day of my life
    I will say Alexis will you be my wife
    But our love will even go into the great beyond
    Because God sealed it with an unbreakable bond
    Alexis baby please understand my love is so so real
    And it will last because with a kiss everyday I will reseal
    I will reinsure you I will always be yours
    And everyday I will reseal any emotional sores
    I am here for the long haul
    My love will never be torn down like the great wall
    Alexis baby I am yours for the taking
    Want to marry so I can see you every morning when I am waking
    I want to be able to look you in the face
    and give you a strong embrace
    Want to squeeze you tight my whole life
    and reinsure you everyday I want you as my wife
    I can really go one for hours telling you how I really feel
    Just hope you know our love has an unbreakable seal
    I would like to go on a little longer
    Baby just know there is no love stronger
    Than mine is for you and yours is for mine
    Our heart is like one that is twine
    I really do not want to stop telling you how strong my love is but I think you know
    I want you and never ever want to let you go
    Alexis I will end this rhyme for now
    But my heart will never stop loving you and take a never ending vow
     
  2. prevert

    prevert New Member

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    "If I put my ball of love one the tee Tiger Woods wouldn't be able to knock if off"
    -- lol : P

    If it were my poem, I'd try to tighten it a little bit; you have a lot of powerful feelings in this poem, but you might want to focus on a few which resonate particularly strongly with you. if you leave it long, there's more potential for "weaker" elements to distract from your message.

    That's my opinion. Feel free to disagree...
     
  3. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    It is not disagreeing so much as really expressing your love and to really express your love strong enough the more you leave out the less love will shine through. That is just my opinion though. I write poems and majority of them is long poem. It is just I do not write my poems to go on cards and there for the length doesn't need to be tighten up to be small. That is just my opinion also.

    Thats for your honest opinion P man. I do not totally disagree with you it is just when I want to really express my love then I can not express it to well if the poem or rhyming letter as I sometimes call them is toned down too much

    Thanks P man
     
  4. prevert

    prevert New Member

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    I understand and respect your opinion : ) Personally I strive to distill my poems until they words tingle with significance.
     
  5. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    OK. Yeah I ask my Girl friend if she would rather me write short poems or the long poems I write her and she said that she loved my poems just like they are and I do not need to change anything about them. I ask her if she was sure because I could write small ones and she said no baby I love your poems just like they are and I love reading them so please do not stop making them long