[Ask a Girl] Need ur help ladies,,,

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by curiousboy, Jul 21, 2012.

  1. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Ladies, my wife has recently told me more about her sexual past and for some crazy reason (probably insecurity) I am having a hard time with it. With that said I would really like to hear if other woman have done some of the same things in their past to make me feel my wife is not so different. She lost her virginity at 14 to a guy she thought she wanted to date, ok whatever. at 15 she started seeing a much older guy (21)that worked for her step dad. That lasted till she got pregnant at 18. She comes from a broken home and daddy passed away when she was 13 so I can sort of understand her looking for male attention. When she was 19 she was dating another guy and the relationship was not so good after a while, they broke up on several occasions. From 19 till when she left for college september when she was 20 she slept with 4 other guys while she was broken up with him. These were all guys from the local bar where she hungout. She slept with 2 of them only twice she said she likes them but it did not work out and 1 of them was longer, 1 was a 1 night stand. In college she was with 1 guy but said she did not really like him but stayed with him during. When I met her she was down south working for the summer as I was and she slept with a guy I knew there (twice). She has told me she has never really enjoyed sex and it might be due to the fact a guy she knew forced himself on her when she was just under 15. I asked then why sleep around which she says it was for attention. I am having a super hard time understanding that and she also never made any guy wear a condom. Its like she had no self respect and did not care what happened. Its really bothersome! Let me tell you, she is a super woman today so I KNOW I should let it go and move on BUT I am ahving the hardest time. AND I am no saint by any means so I should not be such a hypocrite but I cant help it. Its like I am resentful for her not telling me 10 years ago and I am only focussing on the bad in her. Ladies please help me see that she is not so un-usual and other have been through similar situations. She really is a good woman and I dont want to make her suffer more for my lack of understanding...

    Yes I have posted about this topic under a different context in the general postings side before!
     
  2. pbs

    pbs
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2011
    Messages:
    881
    Likes Received:
    439
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northeast
    Sorry, I know I'm a guy, but it doesn't take a woman to answer this post.

    You've answered your own question. She is your wife, and pursuing her past is an exercise in futility, a dead end road with no up side.

    As hard as it may be, you should forget what happened before you married her and be thankful that you are the one who has the opportunity to make sex enjoyable for her. Only if part of her past affects the way she is now do you need to even think about it, and if that's the case, you need to help her to overcome whatever it is, and for her benefit.

    My wife had some bad experiences that affected her sexual attitudes, and it took years for her to overcome them, but when she did, the flood gates opened and her desires were set free. As a result, I am the only person she has even enjoyed sex with, something you have the opportunity to be with your wife also.
     
    #2 pbs, Jul 21, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2012
  3. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Thank you so much, I appreciate your feedback and I agree... Yes some of her past is effecting our sexual relationship. In the last couple of years when we would argue about sex she has told me she has never enjoyed sex and has been faking it another time she said she would be happy never having it again. So since I feel it all has been an act it has made me focus on things in another light. I have tried many things to help her get over it but she has made little effort, and keeps faking it from what I can tell. She is very much a sheltered person in the way that she an not express herself and forget her tlaking to someone about all this... I have suggested a therapist several times, she said she would try but never has. She says she is scared to open up to someone about all her issues from way back.
     
  4. smiley717

    smiley717 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2012
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    honestly i didn't think she slept with much

    other than the no condom thing that is dangerous
     
  5. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Thanks Smiley, so it does not seem like a lot coming from a woman its reassuring... Yeah the no condom thing really bothers me, all I can think of is that she really didnt care about herself and had very little self respect... Its sad!
     
  6. Polly

    Polly Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2012
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    99
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    She sounds like a nun dear, at least compared to me she does :) I can relate to her not caring about herself too since I have a brutal rape in my past and also slept around a lot back in the day. My own reasons for sleeping around were to prove to myself that I didn't feel intimidated by a man's size and strength over me. Had very little to do with sex although that's the "tool" that I used to prove this to myself. So, at least in my case, it was a little more complicated than "attention". My husband knows about my past and loves me just as I am - past and all. This acceptance and how he completely loves me for who I am (my past made me who I am today) is so intense that I get turned on by him just looking at me and I have never faked it with him. If I don't cum (happens rarely).... I just don't, there's always a next time.

    Let me put it this way - and I'm not discounting that some people need a lot of therapy to get past their issues - total acceptance of one another has been the best therapy for me, both emotionally and sexually. But it also takes work on her part - she NEEDS to tell you everything, talk to you about it, get it out in the open and really FEEL that you appreciate the person she is NOW. And you NEED to keep an open mind and not judge.... it's not your place to pass judgement on her past (yeah, I know you're trying but try harder).... I'm sure she does more than enough of that on her own.

    So to answer your question - she's not unusual and sleeping around isn't an unusual reaction to having been raped.
     
  7. paintedblue

    paintedblue Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2011
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Home
    Ask yourself this:
    What do you want to hear? The truth, or a lie. What would make you feel better, knowing what you know, or being lied to in an effort to hide her past.

    IMHO I would want the truth.. it shows that she cares enough about you to not lie.
     
  8. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Thank you both for sharing your input, it is helping me understand. Believe me I do love her and that is the reason I am trying so hard. I wish I did not have these feelings.
     
  9. cowboyup

    cowboyup Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2010
    Messages:
    141
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    SJ, California
    im not a female, but i'd say let it go. it really is not all that bad and could be a hell of a lot worse!!! the worst part is the no condom deal, but the good thing is she is clean and your married to her and get to have sex with her all you want with no condom.
    let it go, enjoy your life with her, and most of all you say she is a great woman so enjoy catching a great woman cause there are a ton of bitches out there.
     
  10. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Ladies??? There has to be more of you on here with some opinions?
     
  11. Dragon_Fire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,893
    Likes Received:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't see the problem. Her past is the past. As for not wearing condoms, that is also past unless she's actually carrying diseases as a consequence. It's like many other dangerous things we do like speeding, not wearing a seat belt, binge drinking and so on. We mostly survive and some of us move on from that behaviour.

    Leave her past where it belongs and concentrate on the present.
     
  12. Clintriprock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Male
    The way I deal with it is when my mind wanders to my wife being with an ex I imaginse myself fucking the daylights out of one of my ex's and it neutralizes the problem.
     
  13. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Ladies no more input? I would really like to hear from more ladies to get over this crazy feeling I have that my wife slept around too much...

    Thank you!!!
     
  14. 12barblues

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2012
    Messages:
    5,297
    Likes Received:
    3,744
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    california, USA
    Sorry you can't get more female response , but I just wanna say this to you....it's a matter of trust and it's a matter of confidence . You have to trust her, or you're doomed...and you have to not be scared or intimidated by her sexual past. Look at it like this.....she was with other men , if any of them would have made her feel the way that you do ( and not just sexually) , she would not have ended the relationship . She's with you , my friend , because you are the right man for her. And whenever you feel worried or insecure about things, don't "question" , just "step up" and remind her why she chose you in the first place ( and not with words, with actions) ..trust me, the fact that you handled her past with strength and confidence will be a huge turn on for her and will only make her want to confide in you more. People don't always tell the truth because they're afraid it will hurt the other person...once she knows she can tell you anything and everything about herself your relationship will evolve into something unbelievably wonderful....
    Trust and confidence......honesty and communication..........and love.

    And that's all I have to say about that..........
     
  15. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Thank you so much for your response, it really helps to hear that. I KNOW I AM BEING AN IDIOT and I hate it. She is a very good woman and my insecurity is making me question a lot for some reason. I feel more comfort hearing others comments and stoires.
     
  16. 12barblues

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2012
    Messages:
    5,297
    Likes Received:
    3,744
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    california, USA
    I didn't say you're being an idiot....you're being normal ...like most of us are or we're at one point....sluttyfairy has tought me how to trust, by not being afraid to be honest with me....and I learned a while ago that I have to be extremely confident in myself , to have a woman like her.....
     
  17. curiousboy

    curiousboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    no I am not saying you said that, thats how I feel about myself. I appreciate it, so thank you for your help. I am trying...
     
  18. 12barblues

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2012
    Messages:
    5,297
    Likes Received:
    3,744
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    california, USA
    You just need to stop , my friend. You can do this.....the key here is what you just said ....." how you feel about yourself" ....seems to me this woman loves you. And loves you enough to be honest with you...you're her MAN....
     
  19. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2012
    Messages:
    535
    Likes Received:
    86
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    I'm new so I just read your post, you want a woman's point of few so here goes:

    My 16 year old neice has a friend who is also 16 and has had a rough life. Her real dad had nothing to do with her, her real mom was a drug addict. She was adopted when she was 9 (that is when my neice met her from school) Great new parents showed her lots of love. Her adopted mother died this past Christmas.
    Here is where they story gets familiar..... She has sleep with 3 different guys within the past 6 months. (that she has told my neice anyway) One she was kinda dating, One she went out with only a few weeks, the next one, the second time she went out with him. Basically if she keeps this up she will top your wife and will also be pregant by 18.
    I think your wife, like the 16 year, were looking not for attention but affection, love acceptence. They wanted someone to care about them, but when the guys don't care for them the way the needed, bascially left like most younger guys, they got hurt deeply. So maybe the next one would care about them.

    I think in your wife's case it wasn't about pleasure or really the sex. Sex was the only away for her to get affection, or love from a guy. (Remember she was young and most guys don't date girls if they don't put out at that age) I think she might have abandoment issues. Think about it......her parents got divorced...got on with their lives...who is left out (her).......her father dies....who is left behind (her)......the older guy who took advantage....who is left with the shame (her). She is wanting someone to care for her, love her, accept her, and not leave her.

    Think out of the box....take your feelings out of the equation.....look at it as the 16 year old friend of my neice's life......what do you feel then.

    Sadness this girl has felt no one cares for her, used her, left her with her shame and not know how to deal with it except maybe the next guy will care just a little for her. After so many guys have turned her out...maybe it was easier for her to want the love, and tenderness so she tried agian but before they could leave her she left them........ so she wouldn't feel like she wasn't good enough for someone to love.

    Now, what do you need to do to help your wife get over her emotional battle scares. Forget her past, forget the recklessness, and be thankful your wife opened up to you.
    She needs your love, affection, understanding and know that no matter what you will be there for her.

    Anyway I think your a great guy to want to help your wife, maybe this will help you look behind the surfice.