Need some opinions

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by confused08, Apr 27, 2009.

  1. confused08

    confused08 New Member

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    Ok here is the question.
    Put yourself in this situation. What would you do?

    Awhile back my SO let me know that she often thinks about being with other women. Of course my initial reaction was both shock and excitement. We went back and forth about the possibility of a threesome. We were both sort of uncomfortable with it so we just kind of let it go(which I think was the best choice). However, now I get these feelings like I am holding her back from something she really wants to experience. She looks at girls and tells me how pretty they are (exciting for me), we both love to watch lesbian porn, while surfing a common porn site we watch, I found that she had been watching lesbian porn while masturbating and she admits to dreaming about being with women. My question here is what do I do? Do I let her go experience this without me? I mean I am seriously at a loss here. I am really in need of some help I have been dealing with this for a long time now. I do not want to hold her back sexually. I am just going back and forth on if i would be completely comfortable with this anyway. I would be ok if I could be there but I know I would not be if I wasn't. Any insight from anyone would be helpful. Thanks!
     
  2. Northside

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    I'd let her try it on her own. If she really wants to be with another woman a 3-some might not be what she wants, plus it would add a lot of pressure. I'd be okay with a S.O. being with another woman alone, because she offers something I can't. I wouldn't deny her exploring this fantasy. I'd rather not push the 3-some thing. It might be fun for me but it could lead to her wanting a 3-some with another guy. I couldn't handle that. Rememeber many fantasies remain just that, and she might never want to act on it.
     
  3. Kahurin

    Kahurin New Member

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    I always think of girls with girls its kind of like how usually the females of some other animals help keep each other clean and take care of each other haha like girls "taking care of each other" Unless your girl seems like shes all full blown wants a relationship with another girl I would be alright with it haha.

    I dont know if that made any sense to you haha.....its kind of like that song by katy perry - I kissed a girl haha http://www.myspace.com/katyperry HAHA.
     
  4. confused08

    confused08 New Member

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    Yeah she loves that song. She has said she had a dream she got with Katy Perry. She also loves the video with PINK getting it on with herself at the end. I dont know I just have a real hard time understanding it and I don't know what to do.
     
  5. Mystery case

    Mystery case New Member

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    Well it would seem to me in very simple terms.. you can do it with her or without her. Or even not let her, lets assume this is a bad choice for now, as it often seems mentioned between you two, and could well be an eventuality.

    So to do it with her or without?

    I have to say I agree to let her go do it by herself, that way she can explore it properly in her own time and really decide what she wants from there, what both of you want. A threesome just provides to many troubles, some of them mentioned above.
     
  6. Barbwire

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    haha Kahurin, are you sure you're haha 21 haha?

    Really, your posts would bear more weight if you didn't have that whole" haha" thing going on. ;)
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    I agree with Northside and Mystry case on this issue.
    Confused 08; one way or another you are going to lose out some and further, it is only a matter of time.
    If she is Bi, then let her explore that side of her personality.
    If she is, then you remain in the picture but on the other hand if she feels more comfortable with staying with another woman then she will realise what it is she naturally.
    If she is indeed Bi, then sometimes down the track she may feel comfortable having you and her other SO together but I would not put any money on that possibility (Aussies always bet on stuff).
    Perhaps some of the other Bi ladies here can input their views on this issue?
     
  8. lasarus2k

    lasarus2k New Member

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    why don't you two find someone to cam with or just have her cam with someone
    bringing another person into your relasionship could complicate things and might not turn out the way you want it too
    I'd try to do it virtualy and take it from there
     
  9. confused08

    confused08 New Member

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    Well just to update this thread a little bit.
    We talked about this yesterday and I feel a little bit better knowing exactly how she feels. She does fantasize about being with another girl and says it is definite possibility. I mentioned to her that we should make sure to take it as slow as possible because I am not sure exactly how I feel about it. I made sure to let her know that yes I am ok with the possibility but I am also fearful of the consequences it could have. Also we have laid down some definite boundaries if it does ever get that far.
    Its funny you mention the cam thing. I mentioned that to her and she said she would think about it. I also said something about going to strip clubs and getting lap dances. She seemed to respond well to both of these things. I feel like it is ok to entertain this fantasy of hers. I think it will help me get used to the idea as well. At this point we are not going to just jump into something.
    My only issue is it kind of makes me feel insecure. I was once told on this site that I cannot police her thoughts. That was great advice to me and I do not intend to what so ever. Like I said I think I am ok with this. I just feel like if she thinks about this and fantasizes about it what can I do for her to help? I do not think I am ok with her just going out and being with a girl without me. To me that would make it worse and I think for me I would at least have to be present.
    So with that being said
    What are some good sites we can go to in order to find open minded bi girls to cam with?(I would be there too)
    Any other suggestions to work up to this? We are both wanting to make sure we are comfortable before doing anything drastic.
    Any guys ever been in this situation? How did you feel? Did you work through it?
    Thanks everyone. I really love this site, i can talk about anything and noone is judgemental.
     
  10. Morgan

    Morgan New Member

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    These all seam like perfectly valid feelings that you're having. I think you should do some self-reflecting and ask yourself what it is exactly that you feel insecure about.

    For example, are you afraid that this purely sexual lesbian relationship might blossom into true love and she'll leave you? Or, perhaps, are you scared that she'll find sex with girls more pleasurable than sex with you? Does the idea of her going off without you make you feel rejected? Do you perhaps feel that it's unfair of her to not want you to receive sexual pleasure from another person (as in a threesome), but she can?...etc, etc, etc...

    Do some soul-searching. Ask yourself a lot of precise, logical questions. Be relentless. Try to get to the heart of this insecurity. Talk to her about these feelings and explore them as a couple. It's important to understand them, regardless of whatever decisions are ultimately made.
     
  11. confused08

    confused08 New Member

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    Morgan,
    Thank you for your response. I think some of your questions are something for me to think about and alot of them are exactly what I am worried about. I mean what if she does this and enjoys women and it turns into more than just a fun couple of nights? I really do think I have alot of soul searching to do. I have told her I do have my reservations about it and to be honest so does she. I think we both realize we are not strong enough to do this yet. We have both come to realization that we can play with the idea though. We are looking for any good ideas here.
    One more question. Do you think it would be a bad thing if I didn't allow her to experiment with this? What I mean is I don't want her to be upset with me for it and possibly do it behind my back. I think that is why I am so obsessed with trying to get ideas for anything else we can do to play with the idea. I also think that maybe that will help me get used to the possibilities. Any thoughts?

    This is really good example of why I love this forum. Through reading and alot of really really good advice I have realized alot about our relationship and what it can take and what it cannot. You guys have really helped me open up to her and she is responding too it with opening up to me as well. So thank everyone and thank SF!!
     
  12. igor

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    One thing occurred to me is this: You call her your "SO" Just what does that mean - is she just a girl friend, are you engaged, are you married, or what? Depending on your commitment to each other, maybe you don't have the right to say what she can and cannot do. If she really wants to do it, maybe she should. Maybe you should find out now rather than after it's too late, to find out what her orientation really might be.
     
  13. confused08

    confused08 New Member

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    She is my fiance'. I have been with her for almost ten years and we have 1 1/2 year old daughter together. Im not trying to tell her what to do or anything I swear. I am simply trying to find out how comfortable I am with this situation. I want to make her happy and will do whatever it takes. I think it is good for us to talk about. My love for her is very deep and I was just thinking that maybe this is what I should do for her. I guess what I said came out wrong. Im sorry.
     
  14. igor

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    No need to be sorry. I am just trying to better understand the situation.
     
  15. civek

    civek New Member

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    i would have her have the experience but with you watching your letting her do her fantasy and im sure youve always wanted to see that so you both get what you want