Need some input, please

Discussion in 'Erotic Literature' started by Barbwire, Jul 21, 2007.

  1. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Jan 20, 2007
    Likes Received:
    I started to write this story months ago, then I just lost the feel for it and let it drop. I just found it again, and was debating on finishing it or not. It's not like anything I've written before, so I am not sure how to go from here. Any suggestions?

    I haven't even edited it yet, so please forgive any errors.

    Pleasing the Mistress

    I nervously looked at the clock in my truck as I sped through traffic, my heart pounding, my palms sweaty. I was late, and The Mistress would be furious with me. As I pulled into the stableyard, I could see that her car was already there. This was not going to be good, I did not have her horse ready for her and I knew she would punish me severely. I felt a lump growing in my throat as I got out of my truck and approached the barn. I went into the barn, and noone was around. I hurridly got her favorite horse and brushed and saddled it, all the while, nervously looking around for the Mistress. I finished getting the horse ready and headed towards the bathroom at the end of the aisle. I went in and washed my hands, leaving the door slightly ajar.

    I heard footsteps. They stopped just outside the door for a moment, then I heard The Mistress yell, "Get out of there, NOW!" My breath caught in my throat and I trembled as I choaked out, "Yes, Mistress." I opened the door, and there she stood in her skin tight tan breeches, black boots, and red halter top. In her hand, was a riding crop and she slapped it across her boot, making a noise that made me jump. "Where the hell have you been?!" she screamed at me.

    "Please, Mistress, please forgive me.." I said in a wavering voice. "Shut up, you stupid little bitch!" she interupted me. "I don't want to hear it, just get your lazy ass over here!" I stepped towards her and she bellowed, "Get on your hands and knees, you pig!" I obeyed, and she brought the crop down on my buttocks. I felt the sting of the pain, and something else, something from deep inside of me. I grimaced, then smiled slyly to myself.

    "Now, get up and bring my horse outside." She commanded and I hurried down the aisle ahead of her. "Who the fuck do you think you are going ahead of me like that?"

    I stopped in my tracks, I had forgotten, oh no, I had forgotten my place! "Go in the tack room and get your collar and leash. I was trying to be nice but you have forced me to treat you like a dog, a no good, disobedient, dog." She was seething, and I fetched my leash and collar and walked up to her so she could put it on. After fastening my collar, she gave my leash a harsh tug, pulling my head back and drawing me close to her. My heart raced, as I felt the heat of her breath as she told me, "Now, I am letting you off your lease, go get my horse and meet me out front, understand?"

    I nodded and watched her strut out of the barn, her beautiful outline made me gasp. Her butt cheeks working like pistons in her tight, cream colored, breeches. He raven hair fanned out behind her like a banner, and the air carried the faint scent of her perfume to my nostrils. I felt a twinge in my inner core. My god, she was so powerful, so exciting, so stern. I wanted nothing more than to please her.

    I got her horse and led it out to the barn where she stood, tightening the laces of her boots. As I approached, she scowled and said, "Get on your hands and knees." I did as she asked and she put her foot upon me and tightened the laces again. "Up!" she commanded me, and I stood, with my eyes downcast waiting for her next order. She took the reins from my hands, put them over the horse's neck then looked at me and cleared her throat. "Are you going to just stand there like a moron, or are you going to get over here and help me mount?"

    My face reddened, I had disappointed her again, and I hated myself. I stood near the horse , then dropped down on my hands and knees as the Mistress stepped upon my back and put her foot in the stirrup. She swung into the saddle and I stood up. She brought the whip down upon my hard. "Did I tell you you could get up?" Tears streamed down my face as I mumbled, "Sorry Mistress, please don't hit me again, Mistress." My mouth said these words even as my pussy involuntarily contracted and released.
  2. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Sep 26, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Quite good, actually, but I have a couple of hints in a general writing sense. First up, I avoid adverbs because they are clunky, and because we can show and not tell. For example, the two instances of the word nervously can be removed from the opening paragraph as you are already showing nervousness. To streamline your prose, things like I had forgotten could become I'd forgotten. Final hint, if you read your dialogue out loud you'll find out where to put the commas, and you'll improve the general flow. Second last dialogue could become: "Did I say you could get up?" and last dialogue: "Sorry mistress, please don't hit me again." These are two examples where the dialogue can be fine-tuned.

    Nothing improves writing like practice, unless it is a critique.

    I'd love to see where this ends up, by the way.