Need some help

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mdw6931, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. mdw6931

    mdw6931 New Member

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    Hey there folks. I'm sure this is nothing new, but I'm hoping someone might have some advice anyway.

    My wife and I have been married for just over 5 years. We're very happy, but we've never really had a terribly engaging sex life. I came to her a virgin, whereas she'd had a few partners before me (including some flirtations with bisexuality). She's a few years older than I am, and she pretty much got her "college sex wild oats" sown before we ever met so that by the time she met me, she was no longer interested. It didn't help that I had serious performance anxiety and had problems staying erect (a problem that, frustratingly, seems to be coming back now).

    So anyway, flash forward a few years, and while we HAVE had a fair amount of sex, it's been pretty....ordinary I guess. I have some fantasies I'd like to play out, but she has so far rebuffed them. I understand the need for reciprocity, and I've repeatedly offered to act out any fantasies she might have, but she swears up and down that she doesn't have any. So I pretty much have stopped asking for anything "special" because she just gets annoyed at me for it.

    We've tried establishing a "schedule" for sex, but the moment either one of us is tired or sore or had a bad day, we toss it aside. If we try to rely solely on spontaneity, nothing ever happens - I'm apparently too clumsy and awkward in my attempts to "woo" her, and if we wait for her to initiate nothing will ever happen.

    I love my wife, and I know this is not going to impact our relationship, but...we've never really had a "spark" in the bedroom and I don't know how to get one.
     
  2. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Years ago when I was a virgin and had sex the first time, I made my mistakes as expected. My g/f had been with alot of other guys and was pretty sexually experienced.

    My friend gave me advice before I had sex and he told me to...

    "just be a dirty M'fer and ruin her for all other guys... just do shit that will make her always think of you even when she is with other guys and even when she is in a wheelchair sitting in a nursing home 50 years from now"

    I thought his advice was funny as hell and I rolled my eyes...

    As my confidence in my sexual abilites grew, I started to think of his advice and it started to really make sense to me... but the only problem I had was I didn't want to do anything that made my g/f feel violated or like I wasn't respecting her...

    So I decided to just do what he said and if she told me to stop! or no! I would back off and never do it again...

    So I started to read all kinds of sex books... magazines like cosmo.. even asking my friends what the craziest things they ever did with a girl (the one about the hooker and the beer bottle I decided was out)... I got tons of ideas... and it help stimulate my own ideas that I would just come up with on a whim... I would just be sitting there in bed watching TV with her and make things up and just do it... like eating my ice cream sundae off her ass... I had so many ideas I never even got to 1/10th of them...

    I created a game called "clitty clitty bang bang" where I ate her out and drove her nutz... but every time she moved, I would stop.. she had 3 strikes and she was out... if she moved more than 3 times I would stop eating her out and she wouldn't get to cum...

    The first time she didn't think I was serious. I ate her out and when she moved the third time I got up and went in to watch the hockey game. She was mad as HELL, but from then on in she knew I was serious.

    This game drove her nuts... she had to keep from moving and it just built up her orgasm to insane levels.. when I was done she would have orgasms so violent she would sit up in the bed and thrash around like she was possessed.. then I would always do something like turn her over on her tummy and bang her from behind hard and fast until she cummed again...

    My dad had to drive us back from the airport one time.. we sat in the back.. it was dark and he had the radio on.. I unzipped her pants and rubbed her clit.. she pushed my hands away and whispered "you are crazy" I gave her a smirk and kept rubbing it and she started to moan.. I asked my dad to turn up the radio cuz "I love this song" and I kept rubbing her clit until she came.. and she couldn't scream or make any noise... it blew her mind and when we got back to my place her panties where soaked... she told me I was "insane" so I just looked at her and I bent her over the kitchen table and did her from behind...

    I got her to have sex in her parents bed.. in her sister's hottub.. on a rock when we where out walking a trail, and we knew there was a bunch of Amish people just down the trail coming towards us (we could see them from the lookout above)... I got that latex paint stuff from a sex shop and painted her whole body then I had rough sex with her and after I cummed inside of her, I peeled the latex off her slowly... she said that the feeling of the paint peeling off her skin right after her orgasm was one of the most intense feelings she ever had in her life...

    I cummed inside her one time and convinced her to go out to dinner with me with my cum still inside her... she was like no way! and I smiled and started kissing her and putting her clothes on... then took her out to a nice restaurant... and I sat next to her in the booth and kept unzipping her pants and rubbing her pussy and I kept whispering in her ear and asking her why she was so wet down there... "is it because you are so turned on or because my cum is leaking out hmmm?" When we got back home she jumped on me and we had REALLY hot sex... she whispered in my ear when we where done that "you are a sickie" I told her "thanks babe"

    I kept thinking of stuff all the time and only once or twice did she say for me to not do what I was doing... I kept pushing the limits, but always made sure it was nothing that degraded her or that would be physically harmful in any way.

    Even when we decided to start using condoms as another means of protection (she was on the pill), I still found ways to make things spontaneous... like always keeping a condom in her purse, my wallet, in the car.. etc. So we could go at it anywhere I wanted to... and still be protected.

    I would play another game where I would eat her out and right before she came, I would stop and put her in doggystyle... then slide my dick inside of her slowly... I mean really slow.. so she could feel every inch going in... then I would pull it out and let her rock back just onto the tip of my head.. and she would try to push herself back into my dick and I would pull away... I would tease her like this until she literally begged me to make her cum.

    She would be so wet when I did that, that the bed sheets would be totally soaked.

    Best of all... she took my cues and would take turns doing stuff to me... she would give me mindblowing BJs... then walk out of the room and tell me to finish myself off... because she had to go send an important email lol... or she would lower herself down on top of my dick.. but never take me all the way in... I would try to pull her hips down and she wouldn't let me... she would hover above me and laugh... it drove me insane..

    You just gotta let go and be a dirty mfer.... and not worry about your hangups....

    Just start reading and thinking of ideas... it is pretty easy to come up with more than you can ever use... the only hard part is having the balls to do them... but the more you do it - the easier it becomes... in fact you don't even think about it anymore.. you just do it.
     
  3. mdw6931

    mdw6931 New Member

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    Thanks for the tips. I'll have to think about that. Part of my problem IS that I have so many hangups. Another is that I have an incredibly sensitive gag reflex, which makes it physically impossible for me to have oral sex with her (I've tried a few times)....and she finds the idea of BJs "gross" so I've never gotten one.
     
  4. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I had hangups to -

    I worried she would think I was crazy... or a sickie... or that I was being too over the top... silly.. or that she would laugh at me... I just got over them.

    The only way to start blowing her mind is to get over the hangups... it won't ever happen if you keep thinking about things. You have to let go and just go for it.

    Sometimes the things we fear aren't as bad as reality... we spend so much time psyching ourselves out - that what we conjure up in our mind is almost always much worse than reality.

    Example: I just had a chance to play hockey with some semi-pro players and while I'm a talented player, I knew I wasn't on their level. I kept thinking about how they would blow past me.. embarrass me... lay me out... that they would call me a scrub and not pass it to the big loser...that I just had no way of competing on their level.

    I had myself so convinced I couldn't keep up with them that I almost left the rink... but something inside me forced me to stay... I even fell on my first shift and hurt my knee because I was so nervous...

    I went back to the bench and relaxed myself and "freed my mind" and told myself to just play my game.

    From then on in - I was able to keep up and make plays... I found out that I am able to keep up with ultra talented players like that... and best of all they where really nice guys - I even learned a few things I never knew before and I have been playing for over 20 years.

    Imagine if I had left and psyched myself out... in my mind I was a bad player and not on their level... I had imagined the worst possible scenario... in reality my skill level was alot higher than I gave myself credit for and I was able to hang with these guys.

    I would of never found any of this out if I didn't get over my hangups and let my mind's reality keep me from playing.

    Don't make excuses for yourself and throw up barriers... ok I have a gag reflex - I'll buy her a toy then and use it to make her cum 5-6 times a night for a week... I'll use my fingers on her G-spot and blow her mind... I'll lick her pussy for awhile and when I feel like Im going to gag I'll use my fingers on her clit until she cums...

    Don't spend time saying to yourself "I cant"... start saying "I can... here is what I'll do.."

    Then solve the problem and remove the barrier... put the fear aside. The worst thing that can happen is she creates the barriers and you are back to have a boring sex life.

    At least you will know you tried and won't have to wonder.
     
  5. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Flite...that was frickin' awesome. You ARE a sicko...very nice work! :D

    Dropping your own inhibitions is one of the best things you could possibly do...if something pops into your mind, just do it and think about it later!
     
  6. mdw6931

    mdw6931 New Member

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    I'll give that a try. Thanks guys.
     
  7. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Thanks bro!
     
  8. Barbwire

    Gold Member

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    Fliteskates, your last two posts were some of the best I've ever seen on SF. You are an excellent asset to this community. :cool
     
  9. Dreama

    Gold Member

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    Heck yeah. Wow. If only more people were so open and fun like that.
     
  10. cbrmale

    Gold Member

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    This situation sounds like my wife and I in reverse, she was the virgin and I was experienced, and she just couldn't bring herself to loosen up. I'd lead her everytime we had sex, and in the end it got so exhausting I didn't really want to have sex with her anymore. So I took her on and we drilled through her hangups and eventually came out of it with her more proactive and more enthustiastic.

    Fantasties do not make good a good lover. Actually it's about reading your partner and responding to their desire without a word being said, knowing exactly what to do and when to do it. A fluidity of movement, smooth and graceful. All these things make good lovers, as well as giving and receiving when the moments are right.

    I have some hints about the gag reflex, oral sex is about lips and tongue. I go down on my wife when she has her period, because it's my lips and tongue, her clit. Perhaps your gagging is a hangup.

    Like my wife again, we had to free her of her hangups too. She wasn't Australian, and she had religious hangups I didn't recognise. Sex is fine, God gave us this great gift so that we can share it in love. God is not looking over our shoulders in the bedroom, and if He were watching then He'd be happy that a husband is pleasing his wife fully.

    Number one priority in your sex life is to romance your wife 24 hours a day and rekindle the passion that seems to have cooled. Number two is to deal with the hangups, try to work out where they are coming from and why you feel this way. Sexual hangups don't get anyone anywhere, so work on them.
     
  11. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    mdw,

    Just go for it bro... you will feel kind of silly or tentative at first - but just ignore those feelings and have confidence in what you are doing. You need to take control of the situation and be sure of what you are doing.. even when you don't feel that way - just fake it and you will be surprised how much your outer confidence turns her on.

    Like I said in a previous post, in the beginning I was afraid she would laugh at the things I did - or tell me I was a sickie, etc.

    I thought long and hard about the first thing I would do to her, that was out of the ordinary.. I didn't want it to be a new position or anything of that nature.

    I wanted it to be erotic and to turn her on in a big ass way.

    So after alot of thought I got a full length mirror (which she had been asking for anyway) and surprised her.

    I lit some vanilla candles (her fav scent) and brought her into the bedroom...

    I slowly kissed her mouth and started taking off her clothes... as I pulled off each layer of clothing I ran my tongue and mouth over her skin in that area... I ran my hands all along her body nice and slow... and I lingered around her ass for a long time... I kept manipulating her body into sexy positions while I was doing this (so she could see how hot she looked in the mirror)... she looked so incredible in the mirror that I wanted to jump on her there.. but I kept my cool....

    Then when she was fully naked I got behind her and wrapped my arms tightly around her.. and leaned her body back into mine... then I told her how beautiful she was as I kissed her neck.... I then asked her to undress me and when she was done I hugged her firmly from behind and let her feel my hard on... then I whipsered in her ear if she could feel how hard she made me... she whispered "yes" and then I leaned her back into me again and started to rub her clit...

    She got so turned on from watching herself, that she almost orgasmed within 2 minutes of me rubbing her clit.

    She lost the feeling in her legs after she came and I had to hold her up... and I picked her up and carried her over to the bed and kept kissing her limp body.

    I just had a basic plan and all of the other stuff I made up as I went along.... it really isn't that hard once you get into it.

    Any guy can do the mirror thing.. it doesn't take any special abilities and the only thing you have to do is to keep whispering things in her ear and not lose your cool... because if you do it right she will start rubbing herself in to you... it takes alot of self control not to bend her over right away.. but keep the cool and focus on her needs.
     
  12. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Thanks CL... I'm sick with the flu - so I have alot of time on my hands :(
     
  13. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Is there a relationship issue? Usually sexual problems tend to be symptoms of a larger problem and not the problem itself. I am picking up based on your posting that there may be some stress or communication issues in your relationship.


    My wife and I hold very busy schedules which makes sex sometimes difficult to schedule.

    I have found after a few years of marriage the sex dwindles but something more amazing happens you develop more connections emotionally which makes the sex even better.

    Maybe taking some time to build up your relationship and finding something outside of the bedroom that the two of you can share may help. If you do take some time together and just talk hopefully some of the other issues will resolve themselves.
     
  14. Joe

    Joe
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    I honestly don't understand this. Does she smell bad or what's the problem? Gag reflex or not, I don't get what there is about giving oral to a woman that might make one gag. Hair in your throat? What is it?

    Whatever it is, find a way to get over it.
     
  15. On_Top

    On_Top New Member

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    I agree.
     
  16. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Agreed. CL, you're an excellent ASSette to :sf as well. ;)