Need some good advice

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by virginears, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. virginears

    virginears New Member

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    I have an issue... yes this is my first post and I dont usually seek help online but hey, this is not somthing I want to discuss with anyone face to face.

    First off this is my first post so I'd like to say hello to everyone.

    I just got married last year in august. My wife and I were both virgins... we were together for a little over a year before we got married.

    On to the sexual part of the story.

    Before we got married we both loved to give and recieve oral sex but we never had actual intercourse. I am male and wanted to follow suit and just bang her brains out every night. But.... I respected her wishes and did not force her to do anything.

    Shortly after we got married the sex just seems very... boring so to say. I almost think my wife doesnt like to have sex and this drive me crazy. Her dad recently passed away and I believe that has alot to do with it.

    I try to tell her what I like and what I want our sex to be like and she seems to ignore it. It's almost to a point where she just spreads her legs to make me happy. Am I alone here?

    How can I revive my wifes sexual feelings and jump start our relationship into a better sex life? I try to cuddle and hug and kiss here but it just does not seem to help.

    Can stress really make our sex life this bad? I am almost to the point to where I dont know what to do anymore. I would NEVER get divorced over a situation like this. I just want it to get better.

    I need mature responses and good advice as to what I can do to her or for her to pleasure her so she WANTS sex. I want her to WANT it. I'm sick of feeling like shes only spreading her legs to keep me happy. If your wondering, yes we have talked about this several times and it only makes her mad when I bring it up.
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Your wife has just lost her father....and ( not meaning to be an ass here) you seem more concerned about getting your leg over, then being there for her as a helping hand through a time which must have rocked her to her foundations , losing a parent that helped bring you into this world is a devastating experience...

    Be her friend her aid help her through her hard times, comfort patience and lots of tlc.


    Just my opinion. :)

    also if you keep bringing up topics that she is not ready to talk abbout , because she is still suffering from a huge lose in her life, then just step off forget about trying to do things to get your leg over, and start doing things to help her...
     
  3. virginears

    virginears New Member

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    No your not an ass. I did think about that along time ago (doing things to help out). I guess it comes off as me being a little selfish and I understand your point of view. However I do everything for my wife and I always will.

    Our marriage is very young and I guess I just need to bite the bullet and weigh through the bumps of life.

    Thanks for your time.
     
  4. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    i hate to say it but this is the reason you do not wait to get married to have sex. plain and simple. people who get married need to be mature and part of being mature is having a solid foundation of sexual experiences.

    that being said, is she not willing to talk and such due to the situation she is going through with her father or is it she is too immature to talk about intimate feelings? she may be embarrassed.

    what i would do is definitely be there for her because losing a parent, not from experience second hand tho, is very hard to deal with. down the road when she seems to have dealt with this you do need to stir the pot again and get a line of communication open about this. if you don't or if she is not willing to talk things through and work on it, it WILL ultimately lead to a divorce. simple because you need a healthy sex life for the relationship to thrive and flourish, and anyone who says different is only kidding themselves.

    give it time, then see what's up.
     
  5. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Your wife and your relationship are both suffering a great deal of stress. YES, stress can absolutely fuck your sex life. YES it can make her have zero drive. Depending on how long ago she lost her father and how she is doing with grieving, perhaps she could see a doctor about depression, which would help her individually, and you as a couple. It depends on so many things. Was she really close to her dad, and now has lost that bond? Or were they not close, and she is maybe dealing with guilt over things not said? A professional for her to speak with and process this grief with might help as well.

    MY suggestion is that you start by helping her deal with the major stress of losing her dad. Then, move on to the stresses in your marriage, including sex. I think there is a time where we all go through a huge slump, for many different reasons. Be patient. This is one of those bad times in the "for better or worse".
     
  6. Joe

    Joe
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    What Mel said. I think seeing a counselor would be a smart move for her, and maybe you both should see a marriage counselor if the situation doesn't change dramatically in the next few months. You've got a problem, and like most problems, it's unlikely to go away by ignoring it. (They usually get worse.) And none of us has a magic cure, as there are no magic cures.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out well for both of you.
     
  7. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Virgin said
    I would assume that means the sex was dead before She lost Her Father
    So her Father passing away had nothing with it.
    As someone else said never marry without finding out is they like sex.
    I would find out why She doesn't like sex and then take corrective
    actions to get Her to like, that may take awhile, Go to a MD then counselling
    or whatever and if She doesn't want that then the next step would be
    take it to a lawyer.

    Hiker
     
  8. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    In sickness and in health , im not sure why those words spring to mind, perhaps its because they are vows many take during getting married, but i guess these days if things do not work out quickly divorce move on forget and find someone else you can marry for the good times the bad time in sickness and in health, and if that dont work run divorce and try again....


    Is it me or do vows these days seem hollow ?
    virginears [​IMG]im not aiming this at you by the ways...

    There must have been a lot of reasons as to why the both of you got married, or was it just to have a sex partner that was meant to be a garentee ?

    Again not aiming this at you.

    But do people get married these days so they can have someone to fuck and have sex with, or because they love them and wish to be with them ?
     
  9. excal04

    excal04 New Member

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    I think it would be best if you helped your wife. It's never easy losing a loved. No one is in the right mind to do anything let alone have sex. I think if you were patient enough to wait til marriage, you'll be patient enough to wait until she is ready.
     
  10. Bluesy

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    Well, there's your problem, IMO. The man's job is to pleasure the woman, and the woman's job is to pleasure the man. You've thrown the whole dynamic into chaos because you've made self-gratification your goal. Make her enjoyment in the bedroom your top priority, and I think things will eventually even out. You've got a lot of compensating to do, though!
     
  11. cbrmale

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    We can all read about sexual techniques, but there is no substitute for experience. There could be the loss of father dynamic happening here, but there could also be the virgins lack of experience as well.

    I am not a fan of virginity; I think it is highly overrated. I am a fan of sexual experimentation prior to settling down, because a person can learn a lot from partners who have previous experience. In any case that was my scenario: a few relationships which were quite sexual, some promiscuity between relationships, and then marriage to a virgin who had just lost her father. Our sex life is great (except for one issue that had to be dealt with), and I know I am a very fortunate man indeed.

    But this is not your situation or experience, so you need to communicate with your partner how much you enjoy lovemaking with her, and how you enjoy feeling her turned on in your arms. You should also open dialogue about her fathers death, and how much it may be affecting her. It might be affecting her a lot, or it might not. Don't forget that even though you are married, you are still in love. If you are in love, then show it! Romance, don't forget it!

    Beyond communication and showing love and romance, you need to follow Bluesy's advice as best you can. Is your wife orgasming from sex, be it oral or whatever you do? If she appears to be orgasming, she might be faking, you often can't tell. The way I learned to pleasure a woman was to get one of my early partners to show me how she masturbated. I watched, and then I did to her what she was doing, and then I used my tongue against the same place with roughly the same pressure. This worked, I learned effective oral sex. In this case, if your wife is open to the idea, you don't need a few partners to be good at this part of sex, you can do it with just the two of you. But before you get to this point, you need to open dialogue and return your marriage to equilibrium. Because not many couples would be having sex fade away after only a year of marriage, and this shows that something (or a few things) are seriously wrong.
     
  12. heronasser

    heronasser New Member

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    MY suggestion is that you start by helping her deal with the major stress of losing her dad. Then, move on to the stresses in your marriage, including sex. I think there is a time where we all go through a huge slump, for many different reasons. Be patient. This is one of those bad times in the "for better or worse