Need some advice

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by ulis, Nov 13, 2007.

  1. ulis

    ulis New Member

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    So I have sort of an unfortunate situation: (sorry its a long read but I could really use some help)

    My girlfriend (who is almost 21, and I am 19) of just short of a year just broke up with me. She says she "needs some time to work her shit out". Now we have been having alot of problems, mainly in the last 5-6 months. She has a real problem with intimacy (sexually and non-sexually) and has/had a hard time fully commiting to the relationship. She constantly would turn me down for sex and we only did it a couple times a month for the last few months, but since the beginning I have been trying to talk to her about our infrequency. She even pushes me away when I kiss her sometimes, and makes me feel like a sex fiend for trying to be with her (shes absolutley anghelic by the way).

    Now she has her reasons; she was raped a couple years ago (by a Seattle City police officer actually). She told me that before the incident she was totally balanced and normal, but now that it's happened, she is really uncomfortable and apprehensive about love in general.

    So now she says we need to break up for a bit because she needs to do some soulsearching. She says we wont be able to have a healthy relationship unless she breaks away and figures this out, and she doesn't want to do it with me as her boyfriend. She does want to remain friends, but its only been a few days and I feel like im dying. I'm miss her and I'm afraid that we wont end up together again.

    I dont really know what to do, shes my best friend still and I still am in love with her. I dont have a friend to talk to because normally I would go to her when I'm having trouble but the discussion always gets too emotional (like it would if we were still dating).

    sorry for the long read but does anyone have an advice of have you been in a similar situation? I'm very picky about who I date and I've never felt this strongly about someone. I told her I wanted to stick with her and help her, and that I dont care that we dont have sex really, but she says she needs to do it alone.
     
  2. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    Respect the fact that she needs time right now. The last thing she needs right now is to have someone that won't back off and let her do her soul searching. That will only push her away further.

    Keep your distance, but let her know you're there if she needs to talk. Has she sought out professional help to help her with her trauma? If not, she needs to.
     
  3. ulis

    ulis New Member

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    yeah, she is starting therapy. Hypno therapy actually. Shes been in and out of therapy though. I hope it works. I guess my primary concern is that I dont want to get phased out, which I hope doesnt happen. Thanks for the advice, giving her space is realistically (and unfortunatley) what I should do, its just hard because I want to help and I tried so hard to help this past year.
     
  4. Joe

    Joe
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    I'd give her all the space she needs. I've been married to two women who were sexually abused as children, and it's a life-changing experience. Whatever she would have been before the rape, she'll be different because of it.

    That's not to say she won't recover and be a very happy-go-lucky woman. My late wife was a wonderful woman, very sexually open and happy, but it took her years and finally some counseling to get there completely. My current wife still has some hang-ups about herself in general and sex in particular. She's never had counseling.
     
  5. Dreama

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    As all others have said, give her her space. You sound like a really sweet person, and I really feel terrible for you, given the situation....It's all around, a sad thing. I understand the thing about not having anyone after the SO has left (even if it won't be forever), because my SO is my best friend. I hope the counseling goes well, and just support her and adhere to her wish. Things just may pan out from there.
     
  6. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    Agreed. Big hugs :(
     
  7. AnonymousOne

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    Space is the name of the game and be sure you're supportive when she needs it. That's about all I've got for you man. Good luck.
     
  8. ulis

    ulis New Member

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    yeah, you guys are right. now that i've had some time i realize thats the best option. thanks for all the replies and advice, i really appreciate it.