Need some advice about relationship problem with my wife

Discussion in 'Sexual Fetishes and Fantasies' started by matt99, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. matt99

    matt99 New Member

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    Hi everyone, I need some advice about a “small” problem that just happened with our marriage.

    I married my wife back in 2001. We used to travel some romantic places anywhere in the world, just to stay in our honey-moon mood. Shortly, we had a great sex life. 1 thing that we have in our sex life is cuckolding. My wife has a lover who lives just nearby our home, and every week he regularly visits us to have sex with my wife, and they always me let watch them. It was fun, I love every second watching my wife doing sex with him.

    You see, sometimes in last April, it was her lover’s 40th birthday, and my wife asked me if I would allow her to entertain him for his birthday present, when I asked "how?", she said that she would stay over the weekend in her lover’s place (without me, just the two of them). I happily agreed it. So, on Friday evening, my wife went to her lover’s place to stay there, and she planned to return home on Sunday evening, we also agreed that there’d be no phone calls between us unless it’s emergency. It was a thrilling weekend for me, knowing that my wife would surely have sex with her lover without my presence. I just couldn’t wait to see her on Sunday evening to hear her story.

    So finally, it was Sunday evening, and I was waiting for my wife to arrive. I waited and waited, and until 11 PM still no sign of her arrival. I finally decided to call her, but her cell-phone was not active, so I tried to call her lover, but it was also unanswered. As I started to worry about her, I decided to visit her lover’s place. I arrived there just before midnight, I knocked the door for a while but nobody answered it, and to my surprised the door was actually unlocked, so went into the house. I saw the TV was on with loud noise, so I guess that was why none heard me coming. I went upstairs to the bedroom, the door was opened and slowly I walked into it.

    And there you are, what I saw really shocked me! There were more than just my wife and her lover in that room. I saw my wife was tied to the bed spread-eagled, and her mouth was gagged, and her lover and 3 other guys (that I never met before) were touching & tickling my wife all over her body, and they even videotaped it. Everyone was surprised when they saw me entering the room, the 3 guys decided to leave us in rush. After my wife was released, she hugged me & said how sorry she was, her lover also said sorry and promised to destroy the video that captured the "activity".

    I was so angry that time, I even yelled at both of them to express how disappoint I was, I told them that I don’t mind if they have sex just the two of them, but involving other people is just not acceptable, and told them not to meet each other for a while.

    I took my wife back home. And ever since our sex life just sinks to the bottom of the sea, practically our sex life is empty these days.

    Please don’t get it wrong, I love my wife so much and I don’t want to divorce her, but I haven’t have sex with her since that night simply because the thought of her being “touched sexually” by some strangers is really discomforting. I feel like she’s just a dirty slut, and I don’t have any more intention to have sex with her.

    So my main question is: does anyone ever have same accident like me? Is there any way I could reboot our romance like before? My life feels so dry these days, but I don’t want it to get worse.

    Need any advice from anyone in this forum.

    Thanks,
    Matt
     
  2. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    you dont want to divorce her, but you can't stand to touch her anymore? thats going to be one hell of a lonely marriage.
     
  3. HotForHoney

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    Never btdt, but sounds like you both need to seeke professional help.

    What does she say about it? Do you love each other? Have you asked the birthday boy back to your house? Does your wife want to be with you?
     
  4. Meow

    Meow Member

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    Matt,
    You were complicit from the start with her taking a lover. You allowed her sexual feelings to be realised. One man, two men or more its all the same, she has had sex with other men.
    You must accept some of the blame, you were only too willing to sit and watch her and her lover copulate. As for you thinking her a dirty slut, you need to think about your involvement in all this.
    You need to come to terms with what you have been party to. Did you both sit down and make up a set of rules to work to. If not then how can you blame her for following her sexual desires, you were following yours by letting her take a lover for your sexual gratification.
    Sorry if I sound a bit hard on you but you need to talk to your wife about how to go forward instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Think about how you have made her feel....she can't be enjoying life at the moment.
     
  5. HotForHoney

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    Meow...
    Interesting point of view!
     
  6. matt99

    matt99 New Member

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    Meow, thank you so much for your comment, appreciate it so much.

    When my wife and I started this cuckold thing, we actually did make up some rules to work to, such as I'd be allowed to watch them, or should they like to do it without my presence I have to be notified first, not a chance with a perfect stranger, etc.

    But frankly, what actually made me so angry that night was when I saw her being tied to the bed helplessly, and 3 guys that I have never met before, touched (or perhaps tickled) her. I was angry because she had never let me know about this, although later she told me that it wasn't planned, and it just happened when the 3 guys (who are best friends of my wife's lover) came to his place earlier that night.

    The fact that currently I don't have any intention to have sex with my wife is killing me (or her as well), but I just don't see anything that can bring back old romance between us.

    I still feel discomfort about that night until now, but I do hope that sooner or later I can get over it, but I just don't think our sex life could be like before.
     
  7. Mittimer

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    Matt,
    Let me preface this by saying both my husband and I are in the type of marriage that allows for extra marital sex, though we do have a large set of rules. I was waiting for you to reply to Meow's comment as I wanted to see where you stood on rules and such.

    Now, on to our opinion on this. Had I been in your situation or my husband in it, we would end up divorcing one another. I agree with Meow to some extent that you played a part in this, but, if rules were set up and a certain level of respect is expected in a marriage, this should not have happened.

    The simple fact that she stated she would be home at a certain time and wasn't, raises a red flag. The fact that her phone was off, raises a second red flag, the fact that you walked in on presumably the beginning of a sexual experience for her that you did not approve of, is the final fatal red flag that puts the nail in the coffin.

    My mind goes to the realm of possibility that had you not shown up, she would have had sex with those three men and not told you for fear of you getting angry as there wasn't any permission granted to begin with.

    When you have these types of relationships, there should always be rules and seeing as you've set those up and your wife did not have enough respect for you to follow those rules, come back home on time or the decency to keep her telephone on proves that her ideal of what is acceptable vs yours is vastly different. There in lies the problem.

    This isn't about sexual desire (or lack there of) anymore. You will likely never want to touch your wife again and very little will change that. She broke your trust and lost your respect. You have the option of dealing with this pain and those losses and moving on in your marriage and potentially living a lie for the rest of your life, or, leaving her. I do not advocate divorce, I personally do not believe in it, but this is one of the very few times that I will say, divorce seems the only realistic option here.

    Remind yourself of what you saw, what could have happened and the events that lead you to show up at that mans house in the first place.

    Just because you gave your wife an inch does not mean she was permitted to take a mile and that is exactly what she has done.
     
  8. surreal_thoughts

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    Mittimer has some very great point in her post, especially with the regards to the red flag warnings.

    This type of relationship isn't something my wife or I would ever be interested in, but you and your wife made the decision to pursue it. Mittimer summed it by saying "Just because you gave your wife an inch does not mean she was permitted to take a mile and that is exactly what she has done". it's up to you two to seek some sort of professional help to over come what happened and get your relationship back on track and happier terms, but if you're going to wallow and think low of your wife and not want any interaction with her, then your in for a long LONG uncomfortable marriage. I'm with Mittimer, I don't believe in divorce as well...till death do us part, but in this case it's something to consider. Having a relationship like the one you and your wife have/had carries severe risks for high consequences that one or both will suffer and have to deal with on uncomfortable terms and try to patch things up or jump ship if it can't be repaired before more damage escalates further in your marriage.
     
  9. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    I agree with Meow and Mittimer. It is about trust and respect, not the sex.

    I cannot help but wonder about the truth of "these 3 guys just showed up". It seems too suspicious. You cannot help but wonder if this had been pre-planned, or if it was not the first time it happened, just the first time you caught them.

    I am big on communication, so unless there is an attempt to talk this out there is zero chance to start repairing the relationship. With communication there is a chance for improvement - but no guarantee things will return to how they were.

    You have to decide if you want to make the effort and are willing to accept the potential results. I wish you the best.
     
  10. Cappy_Dick

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    Committed relationships are based on trust, first and foremost. That trust was obviously violated on many counts. Contrary to popular belief, rules are meant to be followed, not broken.

    You allowed her to have a lover that you knew about and were able to watch their meetings. Red flag number one was when they made a convenient excuse to meet up without you. Once a rule is broken, albeit, with consent, it leaves the door wide open to do this more often, to the point your permission and knowledge would not be sought. Those two played on your trust, that you would happily let them take their games to the next level, hoping you'd be none the wiser and just continue to happily go along with things.

    Red flag number two came when they wanted to do this for the entire weekend and not a single session, as had been previously been the weekly visit norm.

    A big red flag number three went up when she asked you not to call unless it was an emergency. An emergency wouldn't have mattered, as I'm betting their phones were off all weekend. Think about it. These two, who had always happily let you watch, couldn't take a phone call? Hmmm. Them not answering your calls was an extreme violation of this trust.

    Since you trusted them, you were worried and went to see if everything was ok. Well it was only ok to them. Right there and then it was over. There isn't much that could save this relationship now. However, I will touch on that further down.

    Not only was your love and trust violated as outlined above, but but even more greatly beyond that. Them wanting to spend the weekend together would leave me wondering if this was going on for some time, when you were at work and/or otherwise, when they knew you wouldn't be around. I also don't buy that these other guys "just showed up" and were invited to join in. This was obviously planned. I'd be left wondering just how much of this went on all weekend. Not to mention that it's obviously likely that she knew the others and may have very well been meeting up with them before, either with, or without the known lover.

    Love is an important part of a relationship, but love does not concur all. All the love in the world will no longer make up for the total lack of trust and the total lack of sexual interest. The only way I can see this being saved is with a commitment to monogamy on both your parts and long term counseling. Personally, it would be over for me. I can be very forgiving, but the flagrant violation of trust on so many levels, I'd be so done.

    xx
     
  11. Barbwire

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    My question is, were drugs or alcohol involved?

    the reason I ask is, in my experience those two things can make terrible ideas sound like fantastic ones.

    I would love to hear your wife's side of the story because I cannot figure out how anyone in their right mind would risk a marriage over sex.