Need help..

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Marvel51, Mar 22, 2008.

  1. Marvel51

    Marvel51 New Member

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    i met my ex gf about 4.5 years ago. in that time we spent about 3 years actually together. on and off relationship. we got along so well, i really think that we are a great match. just she is so jealous and insecure. it got too the point of ridiculous. like i had a scratch on my back and that was too her was from another girls finger nails. this was happening every day. she would ask LITERALLy 25 times a day to remind her that she is the only girl i have been with. she would run through a series of questions and if there was any inconsistencies that was it. if i answered slightly different than any other time then that would cause her to blow up and god was i in trouble. i was an asshole and a liar. and this would be over the stupidest shit. like what movie i watched with another girl, or if i seen another girls boobs. because it got soo ridiculous i started to have too lie about these little things to keep the peace. but i started to get guilty and eventually had too admit like seeing another girls boobs etc (there is a list that long of the little things its not funny)

    i know i should not have lied in the first place but i had too. well she deleted all the girls numbers out of my phone and things like that. this was a majorly unhealthy relationship. but still i love her soo damn much and its like i wanna be together again. its like i feel like i am willing too put up with this shit. i cant let that happen. i just love her and miss her so much. i have tried to be with other girls but i just dont feel anything for them and even though they are not fruitloops like my ex i still find myself missing my ex like crazy. we dont talk anymore and thats for the best but everyday i have to force myself not too call her. im just so depressed about it. i can get other girls. i am a decent looking guy, but still i just cant get by without her. i guess its cos i met her when i was 16, knew her for 5 mins before i first kissed her, knew her for about 20 hours before our first date and then became my gf. we lost our virginity together and were engaged at one point. she is my first love and i still love her so much. i just dont know what too do.
     
  2. MaxLong

    MaxLong New Member

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    Well, the thing is.... she's nuts. Thats not a little jealous, or even a bit more than just jealous... she seems to be the "I'm going to stalk you to make sure you don't talk to other girls" kind of girl. The Laurena Bobbit kind of girl - you do like having it attached, right?

    You're better off without her. Seriously, that is an UNHEALTHY relationship. What you're feeling now, thats because you've been with her for 3 years, all of your sexual experiences have surrounded her, and you've associated those feelings and emotions with her. HOWEVER, this will go away. FFS, you're what, 21? Go out, meet people, do *NOT* have a serious relationship right now, or try for one, just have fun for a bit. It'll be ok to go for something more serious once you've gotten to the point where the new person you're having fun with is someone you truly want to hang out with, and not just bang.

    What you need to do is enjoy yourself, but right now, you're focusing on the past. Gotta stop that.

    Good luck
     
  3. Dreama

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    Yeah, that relationship is massively abusive (emotionally on both your ends, lying, and interrogating, and yelling) and unhealthy. If that's the way you're always getting along, it doesn't sound like it will go well in the future if you continue on this route, you'll put yourself through undue misery. Go out and get a hobby, or meet new people, and perhaps you'll be able to focus your attention on something else other than her, and maybe you'll find that the void you feel without her can be filled by healthy, understanding love. Nobody deserves to be in that kind of environment. Your ex needs to deal with her own insecurity issues in a more healthy way, anyway. You might give her that chance by not being with her.
     
  4. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    I think the term abusive relationship is used a little too often.

    Look marvel it sounds like you're really into this woman and you want to make the relationship work. When she kicks off she's looking for reassurance that she's the only woman in your life.

    You said the realtionship is on again off again that could be part of the problem. It freaks her out that you might have been with other women (which you were perfectly entitled to do) when the relationship was on a break.

    She's young and it sounds like she hasn't fully got to grips with having a relationship, hence the acting up.The main reason she's acting like this is because she can You need to stop pandering to her.

    The very first time she shouted at you and accused you of cheating you shoudn't have even attempted to make excuses just told her that she'd pissed you off and walked away.You need to start exercising control over your relationship. Do not let her talk to you like that.

    You know I think one possible explanation is that she's having a hard time reading you. It's hard when you're young and with a first bf. Just getting to grips with having a grown man in your life is hard. she's nervous ,self conscious, and a little scared, and like a lot of people when she gets scared she gets hostile.

    She wants you to be the man in her life that she can rely on but she's not certain how to do that. She doesn't know what you want from her and she thinks (correctly I suspect) that you're placating her.

    Ask her to do something for you and see what happens. Maybe fix her hair a different way, or wear some outfit that you see in the shops that you think she might look sexy in (which you of course will pay for:)). And if she does it, make sure you make it clear that it's the sexiest thing in the world, that she's the best gf in the world that no other gf would ever do that for (bs she'll know its bs but she'll like it).

    Relationships are give take affairs, I think she wants to give and she wants to know that she has something worth giving.

    Anywho on a seperate note she needs to come to terms with you finding other women attractive. She's a big girl and she'll just have to accept it. Try something that a smart man I once knew did. Choose your time right and in public pick a woman and say something like ' ask what kind of skirt is the woman wearing' or what type of haircut is that. Make her know that you're looking at another woman. She'll either kick off or recognise an opportunity to discuss how you view other women.

    I'm sorry about the long post.The above are only my thoughts feel free to pick and choose anything useful.

    If you've skipped to the end my main points are she's not a psycho, and you need to stop being a pushover.
     
  5. Marvel51

    Marvel51 New Member

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    thanks heaps for the replies guys, thanks for taking the time. i have taken in what you have all said

    sarah i did read all your post. you are right, i was a bit of a pushover and i should have told the truth no matter how trivial the things i lied about were. i just felt like i couldnt. what you have said is right but it was not quite that simple. i could never talk about other girls with her. the mere mention of another female would cause so much trouble. if i was too say a actress on tv was hot she would crack it. i would always tell her how gorgeous and sexy she was and tried to always get her to wear the things i lovd too see her in. whether that be her pyjamas or something ya wear around the house or her dressy clothes.

    the thing is now i dont think she would want to be back together. we ended on very bad terms as you can imagine and i think the relationship would go down the same path again. it did 3 or 4 times in a row. i just need to get over her but i cant i love her so much. plus her parents hate me i was not aloud at there house. this is because she let her parents believe that i hit her. which i DIDNT. i would never do that. when i told her about the little lies she was basicly trying to beat me up in my room. i left a couple of bruises trying to restrain her i was holding her tightly around the waist and on her arms trying to calm her down. i feel really bad about that but i couldnt help it i had to stop her.

    just dont know what to do. i just want to be happy. i dont care if that means being with no one at all but im not happy. if i seen her now with another guy or something that would kill me. i couldnt take it. and i know i will eventually as she only lives 10 mins up the road.
     
  6. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    Oh I'm sorry I got the impressiong you had somehow broken up with her and she was looking to get back together.So how does she feel about you now?

    Has she made any attempts to get back together with you or has she moved on? Has she got another boyfriend?

    Anyway I think you've decided yourself that you need to move so good for you
     
  7. Marvel51

    Marvel51 New Member

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    yeah we broke up about 4 months ago and have not spoke since. i have not heard from her i dont know anything about her atm, i dont know how she feels or if she wants to get back together. i know that she would not be over me, have been in the this situaton a couple of times now, i think she doesnt care anymore then all of a sudden 6 months later she comes back apologising and saying she misses me and wants to try make us work. even though i dont think she would be over i really dont think she would want to get back together. i think that she too has realised that it is not going to work.

    im mainy here because even though i know all this, i wanted to share my story, and i just still love her so much. i miss her like crazy all the time. i have to stop myself from contacting her. i just wish i didnt care and that i was happy. its just affecting my whole life dont know what to do

    just gonna have to follow you guys advice need to somehow get my mind away from it all
     
  8. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Sarah said
    Good answer Sarah I can find no fault with it.

    But frankly marvel I would walk and never look back, The insecure
    people out their rarely get out of it.

    Hiker
     
  9. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    i agree with bigbiker. walk away. forget about her and move on with someone else. after 4 months its time to find someone else that is not as controlling, unless you like to be controlled.
    since you cant seem to get over her maybe that is the type of relationship want.
    not for me
     
  10. Logger

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    Dear Marvel 51,


    Sounds like your friut loop could use some help.

    Your lying to avoid her feeling jealous is not so unusual.

    However, there may be better approaches to her excessive nervousness about your loyalty to her.

    In a conversation, it takes two people to discuss a topic. If you decide that you will change the subject, whenever she asks detailed questions about your seeing boobs on the street, then you can alter the feelings..

    Maybe ask her, "You must really fear getting hurt!" I would like to have you trust my loyalty. "your pride must really be concerned about others thinking I am not faithful to you.

    Maybe start the conversation, after thes 5 months, "I have really been feeling in love with you since we have been apart, so I just wnated to let you know that your fear that I would leave you and get over you are not well founded. I would still like to tak you out ot lunch or dinner, and enjoy your converstaiton. Can we try to have a short date without your feeling the need to ask a lot of questions, like I am going to forget you?"

    My wife does not realy give me a feeling that she is faithful to me, but it is nice not to hear a bunch of questions about where I have been. Maybe my wife does not ask me where I have been because she does not want to tell me what she has been doing.

    Having a jealous partner might mean that she is being faithful. Maybe questions is the price for a faithful wife.

    I just completed the 5 week Marriage Course Love and Respect. The Lecturer pointed out that most of your friends will support breaking up. If you are going to get back together with GF, you will have to put together a special group of people favoring relationship building. The Lecturer was voted not to come back to a woman's group to finish his relationship building strategies Lectures. A Majority of the club did not want to hear it. The ideals of womejn's liberation are not all perfectly compatible with maintianing a marriage.

    Relationship building is not Macho, and most men will be unable to support the compromises necessary, or often needed, for men to maintain a marriage or relationship.

    The Love and Respect course mentioned making a covenant to control where your eyes focus. You can look away from low cut dresses and short skirts. Turn your eyes someplace else. I had a wonderful gal who would really sink when she found my eyes looking at some larger, bouncing boobs. Her facial expression would visibly become saddened. She really did not complain. Sometimes, if I noticed she was starting to brood, I would suggest some othe activity, away from my distraction, and she would come alive again.


    ..
     
    #10 Logger, Apr 26, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2008
  11. Scribble

    Scribble New Member

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    I really have to agree with Logger. She may have been abusive to you, but would she really have gotten all bent out of shape about you cheating on her if she didn't genuinley love you? Take it from me, I've gone off on Sam like that, though not quite as bad. Her paranoia probably had some cause to it, maybe a cheating boyfriend in the past, so don't treat her as some psychotic bitch who's out to ruin your life

    Basically, what I'm saying is, I've pulled the plug on relationships I was still emotionally invested in, and I still curl into a ball and cry over them sometimes, so don't end up like me! Call her. Try and talk things over with her. If she loved you that much back then, she'll still probably love you now. So just reach out a hand and atleast -try- to talk it all over with her. Try counseling. That should probably work

    [Angry ranting from here on out] And goddamn all of you men! Acting like just dumping a woman on her ass is acceptable! Stuff like that is what made me who I am today! And personally, I'm not too proud of it! So just stop it!
     
  12. Joe

    Joe
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    You're naive if you think one must be in love to get upset over cheating. Not true at all. Most jealousy has little to do with love. It's more often born from insecurity and general mistrust of people.

    Dumping a woman (or a man) is totally acceptable. The alternative is to marry the first person you date and remain with them until death. That might work fine now and then, but it would be fairly rare. In most cases people date for awhile, then one of them decides it's not a perfect match, and they move on. There's nothing unacceptable about that.
     
  13. Scribble

    Scribble New Member

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    But that overbearing demand to know that you still love her and that she's the only woman in your life? I call that love, albiet seriously misguided love, but love nonetheless.

    And I personally hate -dumping-. I'm fine with break-ups, schisms, going you seperate ways, but when you have someone who's obdviously unbalanced, just saying "Go away and never talk to me again" is quite possibly one of the -worst- things you can do.
     
  14. Joe

    Joe
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    Scribble,
    Yes, I'm sure all of us who exhibit jealousy feel we're in love at the time. I also think there's a degree of selfishness involved in jealousy, and I don't believe love has much room for selfish or jealous feelings. This is just based on my own experiences, and I suppose I could be wrong... for the first time. ;)

    And you're using the term "dumping" as a manner of breaking up. I read it as a synonym. My mistake.
     
  15. Wirenut

    Wirenut New Member

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    Sounds like her insecurity was through the roof, and that probably means self-esteem issues even if she puts up a convincing front otherwise. A relationship balanced on a knife;s edge like that is intense, and you're not going to find that constant high intensity in a common healthy relationship with some normal stable girl. If you can't get that girl back, find someone else with major issues. Seriously.
     
  16. jonfunch

    jonfunch New Member

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    wow i am in the same position as you are in! well i didn't lie about anything. but i've learned that i need to move on and i try to fill that void by doing other things and i always keep my self occupied so i dont have to think about her. you have to know that their are other people out there that you probably will like and grow to love you just have to look in the right places and at the right time, im not saying you shouldn't go back to your ex though because you might be able to convince her to change a little for you to. also you need to see if she even wants to be with you.