Need Help

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by kevin07, Dec 15, 2007.

  1. kevin07

    kevin07 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2007
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ca
    My wife is diapetic and has no sex drive its been almost 5 weeks since the last time we have had sex sometimes I think its me. I have tried everything from toys to erotic messages to enhance her pleasure now I am about to give up trying anything. I only get have sex when she is wants to. I have tried talking to her about it but didn't get the response I wanted. What should I do
     
  2. minarchist

    minarchist New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2007
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    The main reason why most women don't want to have sex is that they don't feel good about themselves, or they feel self-conscious. Maybe you could try to boost her confidence my giving her compliments, and doing romantic things for her, instead of just overtly sexual things.

    If that doesn't work, you could always make an appointment with a relationship counsellor or sex therapist.
     
  3. evman

    evman New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2007
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Is this something that has just happened recently or has she been like this for awhile. There could be something going on that she is not talking about or maybe it's in the medication that she is taking. She may be hesitant to see a therapist or a regular dr about it at first. My wife and I have gone through a similiar situation. Things are starting to get better. My bringing it up at first didn't seem to do anything as she kind of felt it wasn't a problem that she didn't have much of a sex drive. She tried saying I was oversexed. She talked to her Dr about it and she wanted to give her testosterone shots which my wife didn't want because of the side effects. She did go to a counselor which help a little. I continued talking to her about it and finally something I said hit her. We have both been trying different things. I am more helpful around the house and with the kids and she is making more of an effort in our relationship in and out of the bedroom. Things still aren't back to where I would like to see them but it's getting there.

    Keep trying and when you talk to her try not to make her feel guilty about it. Let her know what it's doing to you and ask if there is anything that you can do to help her. This way she knows that she is not in it alone.

    Good luck
     
  4. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2007
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    You say you haven't gotten the response you wanted..what kind of response have you been getting?
     
  5. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm not going to ask why you feel you may be contributing to this problem, but if on some level you believe this to be true, it probably is (at least to some extent). The most important thing for men to realize is that sex is psychological for women; a woman's libido is biologically programmed to shut down when she's feeling stressed. (Men are programmed to want more sex when they're stressed, so you see how this gender reversal in psychological/physiological sexual response can make it so hard for men and women to understand one another!) If there's any tension in your relationship, that's a major libido killer right there. Being overwhelmed by obligations and familial responsibilities can create a lot of stress, so it's vital that both partners are sharing child-rearing duties and housework.

    Another aspect of that mind-sex connection is needing to feel loved and sexy...If you can find ways to let her know how much she means to you, and let her know how much you appreciate her body, how beautiful she is to you, small gestures like that will go a long way towards getting her libido revved up. But the most important thing of all is having a healthy, supportive, nurturing relationship--the very best sex naturally flows from having a healthy foundation of emotional intimacy. And the best sex therapists always, always, always stress that the place to begin creating a hot and fulfilling sex life is outside of the bedroom. Go out on a "date" once a week, or at least set aside time for fun, interactive non-sexual activities that will help strengthen your emotional connection. Give her a non-erotic back massage after a long day--she needs to be shown love and affection that is non-goal-oriented. Anything designed to get her to have sex with you says "I'm doing this in order to get you to meet my needs", and that's going to have the opposite effect that you're going for. Making her feel pressured to have sex is actually going to diminish her libido further. So let go of the goal, feed into your relationship, show her that you love her, and cuddle...just cuddle. Non-sexual snuggling actually releases a chemical in a woman's brain that makes her feel closer and more connected to her mate. The closer she feels to you, the hotter she's going to get for you--that is how a woman's brain works ;)

    You may find this article on the connection between women's sexual health and diabetes of interest, as well: http://totalhealth.ivillage.com/sexual-healing-women-with-diabetes.html

    Good luck!
     
  6. evman

    evman New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2007
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    When I tried doing that with my wife, she suspected that I was doing only because I wanted sex. What I did and said was sincere, it's not like I was making things up. I find my wife incredibly beautiful and sexy. I find her sexier now at 42 than when we first met at 25. I would leave her notes, send her emails, text messages, light candles to try and set the mood. However there were some other issues that were coming into play. If that's the case here those issues need to be addressed otherwise it may have little or no effect. I do agree though that letting her know how you feel about her that you still find her beautiful sexy and exciting is important.

    Bluesy, it's funny that you should mention how men and women deal with stress. I have been spending more time with the kids lately and giving her a break and I couldn't help think that sex at night would be a welcome escape. She tells me that being with the kids all day doesn't exactly put her in the mood for romance. It is strange how men and women react to different situations sexually.
     
  7. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    It is! And it really doesn't seem fair that such obstacles to intimacy should exist (someone needs to go back and do some rewiring, make our sexual responses more similar). I think it's great that you've taken such an active approach in dealing with this issue :)

    That's the problem, if a woman knows you're feeling sexually frustrated, and all of sudden you become Mr. Romance, it's not hard to make the connection ;) And who wants to feel like their spouse is "investing" in them solely for the return? It feels more like manipulation than love in that case. ("Feels" being the operative word there. It may be authentic, but if it isn't perceived to be authentic, well...)

    I think this is why so many relationship/sex therapists advise reestablishing emotional intimacy whenever there's a sexual problem. Thats a real investment that takes time and a lot of effort, and the results aren't going to be immediate.

    Very true! I hope you were able to work things out.
     
  8. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    Ah, I wondered why diapetic is! DIABETIC (like me). I am unaware that diabetes affects sex drive, if well-managed I am positive it has no impact at all. For those of us with diabetes, there is a certain degree of low-level stress keeping the all-important BSL under control, but not that stressful.

    My view is that when a relationship is running well and you are both in love and communicating, then sex survives stresses of things much worse than diabetes. And it doesn't take sex drive to have sex, many couples will attest to this. Even if one or the other isn't in the mood, it can still happen. And when it happens, it is fantastic for the partner who really wants it. And when it happens, it is usually good for the partner who wasn't that much in the mood.

    On the other hand, if one partner doesn't want to give a little time and energy to the other, there may be bigger issues involved than diabetes. This is where you probably assume that it might be you. I think men sometimes take their wives for granted, and forget the special things we used to do when we first met. Compliments, romance, special little gifts, more compliments, more romance - you get the idea. You can't romance your wife or partner too much.