Need friends

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 82angelfan, Apr 30, 2006.

  1. 82angelfan

    82angelfan New Member

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    :( My wife walked out on me saying that she no longer has feelings for me. She seems to be going thru a mid life crisis. Suddenly she is going out until two or three in the morning, getting tattoos and piercings, and hanging out with people ten to fifteen years younger.

    The worst part of it is that I have been trying to get her to do all these things with me.

    I have never done anything horrible to her in 17 years of marriage except had a small drug problem in our third year of marriage and a porn addiction in our twelth year.

    She says I hurt her feelings when I asked her to try to be attractive for me. She always refused and made it a point to make herself less attractive.


    she says she has been struggling for about four years, and I think she is lying to cover her own guilt. I only noticed the problem when she started a new job.

    She has a problem with comfrontation and I am a very passionate person. she never once came to me and said I have a problem.

    Any advice, or similar stories.
     
  2. lbushwalker

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    Hi John,
    I wish there was something soothing to say to you.
    But sorry mate but there isn't except to suggest to give her space and maybe in time she will come back after having had her fling with freedom.
    Even though it might seem out of character maybe you should use this opportunity to widen your circle of female acquaintances.

    Sadly perhaps I have been on the opposite side of such a story but in the end despite the pain caused I came back she forgave me and we are now both better for it.

    I know it is hard to see it sometimes but every cloud does have a silver lining

    :eek:
     
  3. gianni

    gianni New Member

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    Here's how I see the situation, knowing as little about it as I do but trying to speak to you as a true friend. I'd say it's over. Your addictions scared her but she didn't do anything about it because of a dependency she felt toward you. Now she's gotten herself back together, probably with the help of new friends and a new partner, and broken the dependency. My advice is to walk away with your dignity now and make yourself whole again. You've got to establish integrity for yourself, probably with the help of therapy if you can afford it, and move on. The good news is that you're still young enough to trade up and still find something better if you get yourself together. As Emerson once said, "Though her parting dims the day, stealing grace from all alive; Heartily know, that when the half-gods go, the gods arrive.
     
  4. Thorn

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    I don't have an answer but was wondering how long you have been with her and do you have children with her?

    It does sound like she has felt trapped for some time whether real or perceived. Good luck.
     
  5. 82angelfan

    82angelfan New Member

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    We were married for seventeen years. The drug issue was for 1 year 14 years ago while I was working 70 hours a week and going to school full time. One of the problems in our lives we both come from dysfunctional famillies. Hers was worse then mine. Although we seemed fine we had constant chaos around us. I think she is one of those people that thrives on chaos and drama. So now that we are finally chaos free, she has to turn her life upside down. We have a daughter that is not really ours, long story that probably plays big into this. I think she is going to take her frome me. My pain is quickly turnig to hatred. I still love her but I can see her becoming "My ex-bitch". A word I never use.
     
  6. Logger

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    Dear John,

    I understand what you mean by the need for chaos.

    Oppositional concepts come to mind. I am an opppostional person, I think of doing the opposite of what anyone in authority tells me. I fell in love with my wife, because she is also oppositional. Trying to live with an opppositional person is not a picnic.

    I have a lot of posts discussing issues and giving references on this Forum

    Seach Oppositional, ADHD, Impulsive,

    Marriage builders has a section on references:

    http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/postlist.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB10

    For oppositional people, you need to try to plan ahead, and avoid criticism, or even suggestions. Give undconditional Love, and try to plan things out ahead of time. What are your wife's ideas for the next week? The next month? How can you fit in?

    You sound like you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by your feelings about your step-daughter. I suggest an in depth analysis of the behavioural dynamics. What are the rewards, punishements, withdrawals, and back off points? Have you missed some points where you should have stepped out to go shopping, ot take in a movie by yourself?

    I ordinarily post from the standpoint of staying together. Post back if you want more questions. What are the questions that are coming up for you?

    How can I ask my wife to come home earlier?

    How can I treat my wife to balance both respect and Love?

    How can I interact with my step-daughter to avoid being blackmailed?

    When your wife comes home at 2 AM and makes disrepectful comments, should you go out to IHOP an get a coffee to try to make yourself feel better?

    Are you sure this is the best woman for you?

    How are your listening skills?

    Search Listening on SF.

    You mention trying to get your wife to bring another woman along to bed. You may want to get your relationship as a couple into a stronger framework, before trying non-traditional fun.

    Casn you list out your wife's unfulfilled desires?
     
  7. pussycat69

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    I was the woman in that scenario...
    My advice,if you want to try and make it work...give gher space,let her have her "crisis".Maybe she does those things without you because she needs space(not that I'm defending her).Maybe she missed out on things in her "single" life.
    Otherwise,if it keeps up,then it's just a case of major immaturity and the flame has burned out.You certainly don't need that.
    Good luck:)