Need advice :sex w/ best friend= end of friendship

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Naughty_but_nice, Oct 5, 2013.

  1. Naughty_but_nice

    Naughty_but_nice New Member

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    Hi everyone,
    Sorry for the long post, but I need some words of wisdom on this one....
    Thanks
    -NBN

    ***
    NN and I were best friends for 8 years. He lives in my hometown, but I have been residing overseas for the least 17 years. We met online in a sex forum in 2005. Because of the distance, we became each other's confidants, and had the freedom to discuss anything, especially our sex life. We met in person after 4 years. 5 years later he came to my country of residence and we travelled together for a month. I have never been physically attracted to NN, and for this reason we never had any intimacy. I knew he would like to have sex with me, but I always kept my guard up and made it clear to him that I wasnt interested, since we knew absolutely everything about each other's life. But I never told him I wasnt attracted to him. And never gave him any green light either.

    In 2011, I went to my home country and stayed at his house for a few days. One night I went out with a friend and drank more than I should. I told my friend that I missed my ex-boyfriend and she encouraged me to give him a ring. As you probably know, it is never wise to ring an ex when you are drunk. Of course the call didnt end very well and I was a heartbroken drunk. I returned to NN's house and told him what had happened that evening. I was sobbing and was really sad. He hugged me, as a friend should, but then he began to kiss me and took advantage of the fact that I was very drunk and we had sex. I knew that it was wrong, but I didn't ask him to stop. I passed out, and when I woke up the next morning, I was really disgusted with what had happened the night before. Since I was staying with him for another couple of days, he thought it was ok to kiss me, and he wanted to have sex again. I wasnt sure how to respond to his advances, and since I was leaving to my country of residence shortly after that, I figured it would be ok to “put up with the kissing”, even though I didn't want to. He tried to have sex again, but I made sure I had a lot to drink and told him I was too drunk and I needed to go to sleep. One day he was in the shower and he asked me to join him, but I didn't want to. He likes to have his ass played with, so I offered to finger his ass while he masturbated in the shower. (It was wrong, I know...)

    I left my home country and I didn't say anything to him, because I didnt want out friendship to change. We continued to talk every week as usual, about anything and everything. In early 2012 NN got married, and I became a working girl. That meant my sex life became very active and varied, and I experienced a lot of new things, my sexuality and “skills” have improved a lot. NN and I always discussed sex, and this time it was no different. I would tell him about my experiences with clients, among other things.

    NN was always fascinated with my stories and once he mentioned that he had paid to have sex with a transvestite. I was curious, and mentioned to him that I would like to have sex with a transvestite too, just for the experience, since I am not sexually attracted to women. NN suggested that next time I went to visit my home country, we should go have a threesome with the transvestite. I agreed. Afterall, I am a working girl who has sex with strangers, therefore I thought it should be ok to have sex with the transvestite and NN, even though I am NOT attracted to him physically at all.

    In june 2013 I went to my home country to visit my friends and family. Before my arrival, NN and I talked a lot about our meeting with the transvestite, how it was going to be, the things we were going to do with “her”, etc. The day I arrived, NN picked me up at the airport and he greeted me with a big french kiss! I was jetlagged and tired, and disgusted with the kiss. As mentioned previously, I have never been attracted to NN physically, he is a sloppy kisser and he has a “funny smell”. It is not body odour, but I cant really tell you what it is either. His house also has this unpleasant smell.. In other words, a big turn off for me.

    That evening just the two of us went out, his wife stayed at home. We were at a pub having a chat, as friends do, and the conversation shifted to “being true to yourself” topic. I was feeling very uncomfortable with his advances towards me and I knew I wasn;t able to keep faking it and pretending to be enjoying the kissing. I was grossed out just to think about the things he wanted me to do with him. I had to say something, since I didn;t want to kiss him anymore. I took a deep breath and told him that I wasnt attracted to him physically, but we could still go see the transvestite together. However I didn't want it to be just the two of us in bed.

    He didn't take it very well and the night was ruined. We went home and he didnt want to talk to me. The next day, his wife cooked dinner for us, she is a lovely girl. I tried to have a conversation with NN, but he was very rude to me every time I said something. His wife didn't understand what was going on.
    Fortunately that evening I was going to stay with a family member, and I didn't have to spend the night at NN's house. I went to see relatives at other locations, and a few days before returning to my hometown, where NN lives, I sent him an email asking if he was still upset and if we wanted to see me.

    He replied saying that I humiliated him and made him believe that we were going to do all these things in the bedroom, and at the very last minute I told him I wasn't up for it. He used the following analogy: “ we are planning a big party, talking about the details, how it is going to be, and you give me a VIP ticket. Then, at the very last minute you say: give me your VIP pass back, and get in line, you get general admission, like everyone else (referring to my clients)”.
    He also said he didn't want to be friends anymore, because he wouldnt feel comfortable hearing about my sex life, after I rejected him.

    WTF? That was my reaction when I read the email. So this person whom I considered to be my best friend, who is married to a wonderful person, has his ego hurt and throws away a friendship of 8 years because I told him the truth about how I felt about him?

    I feel sad with the loss of our friendship, NN was someone who knew all my secrets and always listened to my shit. We always supported each other and were there (on the phone) whenever the other needed support in any area of life. Then all of a sudden he behaves like this.

    It makes me wonder if during all this time he was really my friend, or if he just wanted to take advantage of me sexually...

    I replied to his email a few days after I returned to my country of residence and decided to keep it short and simple. “ I will not try to explaining myself to you, because people only want to hear what they want to hear”.
    And that was it. It is now october and I really miss having him as my friend. I miss the freedom to discuss anything and everything... Life has been a bit rough in other areas, and it has been very hard to deal with all the changes on my own, since I have no family or close friends in the town where I currently reside. And my partner dumped me a month before the trip to my home country.

    I have been considering contacting NN, but I am not sure if I should or not. I know he is a very stubborn person, so I know he wouldnt contact me even if he wanted to, because that is just the way he is...

    Anyone has any comments or thoughts on this?
    If I didnt express myself properly, feel free to ask questions
    Cheers
    -NBN
     
  2. sayss18

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    Hi, accepting that a woman wants to be friends but is not sexually attracted to you takes some maturity. It's a shame you lost your friendship over that.
     
  3. HotForHoney

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    I'd tell him this:

    "I really miss having him as my friend. I miss the freedom to discuss anything and everything... Life has been a bit rough in other areas, and it has been very hard to deal with all the changes on my own"

    But be prepared to be rejected
     
  4. audirs4

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    Interesting. Not sure how good a friend he really was.
     
    #4 audirs4, Oct 6, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2013
  5. Texas_Red

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    Sounds like a poor friend to me. Taking advantage of you while drunk is not something a real friend who cares would do. He was thinking only of himself. Sounds to me like he was a friend with ulterior motives always in the back of his mind.

    I'm sorry for your loss, but you're probably better off without him.
     
  6. OverSinged

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    Sounds like a "Nice Guy™" to me. AKA a guy who listens to you and pretends to be a great friend, but all he wants is to get laid and seethes when you start going out with some other guy. Me? I've got the same friendship he used to have, and while I crack jokes about sex, we both know it'll never happen, even if my subconscious tries to tell me otherwise.
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    Dear NBN, being a guy I can see how this panned out from his point of view and how the misunderstandings occurred.
    It is still true that men are from Mars (read simple) and women from Venus (read complex).
    Basically for males close female relationships equal sex whereas for females it is far more complex and as in your story full of apparent contradictions.
    You have let him lead you on a sexual pathway yet done nothing to discourage his advances but then when it gets physical resent it so :shrug
    You have needed him for something entirely different to his for you so my advice would be not to make further contact with him, leave him to his wounded pride but even more importantly to his wife.
    Try to find another person to be your confidante but be very careful in whom you trust with that knowledge.
     
    #7 lbushwalker, Oct 6, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2013
  8. Trond

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    Ok, I think he has some douche bag tendencies since he took advantage of you when you were drunk. But Ibush is on to something: your veering from being nice and extremely open about sexuality (fingering his butt even) to rejection is typical of the sort of things that make men feel that women are incomprehensible. Anyway, I suspect that he's not going to be interested unless you you're into anything more than chatting with him, which clearly isn't the case. Maybe you can learn a thing or two from the whole thing, and hopefully you will find a new best friend soon. Good luck!
     
  9. Nikkitta

    Nikkitta Member

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    When I was 17 I met a guy at a festival through some close friends who I consider family. As a large group we spent the summer partying and me and the guy who I'll call Mr T became extremely close. Like you and your friend I wasn't at all physically attracted to Mr T in the slightest but it wasn't in issue as it just wasn't like that between us. We spent every second together, going off on our own loads and I truly considered him one of my best friends. The summer ended and like you and your friend we meet in contact over the phone. We chatted for hours everyday and he was the person Id call if I was crying hysterically about mine and my mother's relationship or just plain excited bout something. It became routine for us. Me and my mother have always had a strained relationship and she abandoned me in my time of need a lot.. I always crawled back though.

    Our bond continued to grow over the course of 5 years. We visited each other loads and both becoming a member of each others family's and I thought at the time we knew everything there was to know about each other. He had a past and issues too and we always helped it each other. He looked at me in the same way I thought I looked at him. With love and a sense of safety and belonging.

    After 5 years he dropped the bomb. He simply looked at me and said. " I can't just be friends any longer. I want to be able to call you mine or I can't see you anymore" Id recently moved up with my friends to his home town and had nothing and really needed his friendship at the time. Id just suffered a miscarriage and was pretty emotionally weak. After a week of thinking I decided I couldn't live without him.

    We started a relationship and the attraction wasn't too much of an issue as he made me laugh.

    After 3 years he cheated on me on my birthday. He'd stolen my bank card and fucked off with a girl he'd been having a relationship with for months. He told me hed wanted to split a few weeks after we had moved in together.

    Basically. . What I'm trying to say is that you might be better of cutting your losses. It sounds like he's kept you where he wants you while he marrys and gets on with his shit his end. I mean.. does his wife know about your agreement? Some guys, unfortunately are just dicks. I'm sorry to hear you list a friend though. Its always hard.
     
  10. Silverfox

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    I think you both made mistakes and assumptions. I think your friendship is over, at least for now. Time to move on. Stop holding on to the past.
     
  11. Naughty_but_nice

    Naughty_but_nice New Member

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    Hi everyone,
    Thanks for the comments, and sorry for taking so long to reply to this thread. Life has been busy...

    I appreciate what you all said and I agree with you. It is over and I need to be more careful in the future when it comes to my friendships. I am moving on, and trying to meet new people (on and offline). Of course it may take some time to develop a similar bond with another person (if it ever happens again), but the show must go on :)
     
  12. Silverfox

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    Good for you.