My wife isn't interested in sex anymore .. HELP !!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by eddy, Mar 17, 2007.

  1. eddy

    eddy New Member

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    I have been married now for 10 years and went out with my wife for 3 years before we were married. When we first started going out sex was fantastic .. both of us just loved having sex .. sometimes I thought she would wear me out !!

    We had a couple of children and now they are both around 6 so they are going to school and she has time at home to herself now .. she is starting her own business and seems to enjoy life. We love each other very much and she seems happy and content with her lifestyle.

    The trouble is that our sex life has been terrible since the birth of our first child as we only have sex about once every 6 weeks and it’s ALWAYS me that initiates the moment. I have talked to her so many times about this and tell her how much I love her body and how much she turns me on and that I would make love to her every day if I could. I thought I might be pressuring her too much so I didn’t mention it for about 3 months .. but that made it worse as we only made love once in that time. I romance her all the time .. flowers, special treats .. in fact the girls I work with say they wish their husbands did that sorta stuff for them. I have tried not romancing her too .. thinking I might be over doing it .. still no change.

    I find her the sexiest and most beautiful woman I have ever had a relationship with and when we do have sex it is still fantastic .. just like the first time. She normally orgasms and says she enjoys it however she does say that it doesn’t feel as good as it did since she has had the children .. but she still really enjoys it.

    I thought it might be me .. maybe I’m not sexy anymore ..but over the past year or so I have been propositioned by three girls that I know .. wanting me to have sex with them .. I have resisted as I didn’t want to cheat .. but it was so tempting .. the feeling of being wanted sexually again was a real ego boost.

    I just don’t know what to do anymore .. I have run out of ideas .. I have recently resorted to chatting on the web with other women for some sexual excitement .. but it’s just not the same .. can anybody make any suggestions ???
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    A hotel room, her favorite dinner, whatever you want to drink, alcoholic or not, and a serious conversation. A real serious heart to heart. Expect tears. Expect to hurt. Expect her to hurt. And TALK. Open your heart.... and ask her to open hers, and promise to take care of it. Listen to what she says, with the knowledge that you love her more than sunshine, and just really really talk and listen. It's not romance. It's not sex. It's KNOWING each other. And you can only know if you ask.
     
  3. eddy

    eddy New Member

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    thanks for your post melicious ..

    I have done that .. and .. yes .. we did have tears and a real heart to heart, on a few occasions .. I poured my heart out to her and listened to her side .. she didn't know what was wrong .. or didn't say .. she just said that she needed time .. and that was 6 months ago .. I have taken her on weekend trips to beautiful romantic hotels without the kids .. but there was very little sexual activity.

    She says she loves me but is just not really interested in sex .. but does love it when we make love .. it's like a huge effort for her to get into the sexual mood .. and she said that most of the time she just didn't feel horny .. not like she used to. I have even asked her if she was having an affair as at one time I thought that was the issue .. but she said she wasn't.
     
  4. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Unless you earnestly, with all of your heart, believe that she is having an affair, and can back that up, don't ever ask her again. That hurts more than anything. Have faith. It really is possible that she isn't interested in sex. I was there. I went through it. And earnestly, it was not him, and it was not anyone else. Life was so full, that sex wasn't something I needed. It took a great deal of work for me to want and enjoy and even need sex again. There is a time, I believe, in each woman's life, where sex is just something that isn't a priority. That doesn't mean that we don't want a connection. Oh my, we do. But we want a connection without expectations. We want love and support, cuddling and pampering, without the assumption that we must then deliver, act, perform, or DO anything. We want, for just a time, to really be understood and taken care of. That's my opinion. I know it feels like you are losing her. I know it feels like she is not meeting your needs. I can bet a year's salary that if you just understand and take care of her, pamper her, and let this be okay, she will be yours, absolutely and completely, again, before you know it.

    I also recommend some studying of tantra. It helped me. It saved me. It changed me.
     
  5. eddy

    eddy New Member

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    Thanks Melicious .. your last post has helped .. I will take your advice.

    So .. when you didn't need sex you still enjoyed it ?? Was it ok with you for him to initiate it ?? and if it was what do you think is the best way do this .. or is it best just to let it go for a while ??
     
  6. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    When I was in the position that I find similar to yours..... his initiation occassionally did not bother me. Frequent initiation felt like pressure. I had an additional issue, where I felt pain during intercourse after the delivery of our first child. It intensified after the delivery of our second. A year later, I finally saw a doctor who found a small growth on my cervix. With its removal I no longer felt pain. Combined with the study of tantra, and the realization that sex is not shameful, but amazing and beautiful and delicious, I was able to change things.

    It is my recommendation that when you feel the need to be near her, that you tell her that. "I need to be near you; I need to feel wanted and needed by you." If you feel the need to be with her in order to show her that you love HER, tell her. "I need to be near you, to make love to you and know that you are aware that I love YOU and need YOU."

    "I'm horny, help me take care of it" is the worst attitude in a situation such as this, in my opinion. And will drive you further apart.
     
  7. eddy

    eddy New Member

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    Thanks for all of that .. it has really helped ..

    She says that if I feel horny to just tell her and even if she isn't in the mood she will give me a hand job .. I have sexy pics of her and she lets me look at them while she uses her hand .. is this a bad thing ?? .. she seems to be amused at the fact that I love looking at pics of her and seems to have no issues with this .. normally smiles at me after and kisses me .. and then says things with a bit of a laugh like "Your mad"
     
  8. cbrmale

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    I I have heard your story many times from men like you who are married and who have had children and have a very sluggish sex life as a result. The only time men talk to men about sex is generally when they are frustrated.

    My children were born a long time ago, and had very little physical effect on my wife at the time. Within a couple of weeks, we restarted our sex life with some differences, and it was a great boon to both of us. The differences were that we would make a date for sex, my wife may not have been overpoweringly horny, but on (say) Monday morning, we would set aside Monday evening for sex. My wife was comfortable with that, she enjoyed the sex and she enjoyed sharing something special with me.

    Just recently, I read this in an Australian newspaper:
    THE female sex drive starts sputtering to a halt as soon as a woman has got her man, according to a new study.
    Researchers have found that women's libido plummets so rapidly when they believe they are in a secure relationship that after just four years the proportion of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex falls below 50 per cent.
    There are few things that appear able to keep a woman sexually interested, the study found, but living apart for extended periods can help.
    The findings for women contrast with those for men, whose sexual appetite hardly flagged at all up to 40 years after marriage.
    The study, by researchers at Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany, challenges the popular image of modern women as equal to men in sexual appetite.
    "Female motivation matches male sexual motivation in the first years of the partnership and then steadily decreases," concludes Dietrich Klusmann, the medical psychologist who conducted the study.
    "Male motivation remains constant regardless of the duration of the partnership." Dr Klusmann questioned more than 500 people about their sex lives in order to measure changes in their libido.
    He found that within a year of a relationship starting, female libido moved into steep decline.
    While 60 per cent of 30-year-old women reported wanting sex "often" at the start of a relationship, the figure fell to below 50per cent within four years and to about 20 per cent after 20 years.
    Dr Klusmann, whose work will be published this week in the journal Human Nature, has compared his findings to the sexual habits of prairie voles and offers an evolutionary explanation.
    He believes that women, having found a man with whom to procreate, keep "resources" scarce to keep the man interested. Men, on the other hand, maintain a higher sex drive in the hope of keeping their mate faithful and other men at bay.
    The Germans found, however, that living apart slows the decline in female libido, confirming the maxim "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
    Women whose husbands or boyfriends have higher educational qualifications than their own also maintain their sex drive. This, speculates Dr Klusmann, is because such men are regarded as a "valuable mate of choice" by other women.

    This is probably not helping you much, but perhaps this is part of the problem.

    Regardless of my wife's motives (and I am better educated and as a result have a high-profile career), she did enjoy the sex once it got started. Even if spontaneity was lacking, the good sex we shared more than made up for it. Indeed, I am 100% certain that with a young asthmatic child, she wasn't in the mood for it some of the time, but it was just an hour or so a couple of times a week. And who can't spend an hour or so a couple of times a week on shared pleasure with someone you love? And that was the key, she loved me, and she wanted to share her love in a way that would make me happy. In my pleasure was her pleasure, and in the sex we shared she had her pleasure too.

    And she knew I loved her, I showed it a thousand different ways. I still do.

    This is hard for men, for men sex and love are very intertwined, if we get good regular sex (without begging) from our partners, not only are we physically satisified, we feel loved. Without sex, we feel unloved and confused. This is neither good or bad, it is just the way men are.

    I personally think the 'I'm horny, give me a handjob' is a bad thing', it reduces sex to something less than it is, and it cannot be anything like as satisfying as shared intimacy. Sure it scratches the itch, but it doesn't go anywhere near solving the problem.

    I hope I have given you some more detailed background, but the best way to deal with this is to get the message that when you make love with your wife, you feel loved, you feel wanted, you feel needed. At the moment you are missing love, and you are missing all the wonderful things that go with making love, and you want to have them back again.
     
  9. eddy

    eddy New Member

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    Thanks cbrmale ... very interesting article .. and there seems to me much truth in it. I will have to ponder on the advice given in here as there seems to be some very good points made. It will have to be a new approach to the subject .. but I would still love to know what "trigger" is needed to make her as horny as she used to be .. to have her initiate sex and actually want it as badly as me .. I have some thinking to do :)
     
  10. cbrmale

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    I don't think you should wait for her to initiate sex, nor to want it as badly as you. Even though my sex life has never faltered, it was my sex drive that was the initator, and my wife responding by sharing her love with me, and giving me something she knew was very important to me.

    As time went by, and our children grew up and became more independant, my wife became more and more outgoing, until she returned to how she was when when we were married.
     
  11. eddy

    eddy New Member

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    so there is hope for us yet then :)
     
  12. Joe

    Joe
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    Good luck eddy; I hope you can turn this situation around. I went through the same thing after our first child was born, and then it got even worse after the second. We went through a period of 12-15 years without ANY sex before I finally divorced her. Through all of that, up until the divorce was filed, we remained "best friends". Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. We both had high paying executive jobs, plenty of money and toys, took lots of vacations, but there was no intimacy between us. I wish you the best and hope you can make it work.
     
  13. SexyScorp

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    Oh how sad!! :(

    Sometimes people just grow apart......

    ....and move on......

    This too happened to me in my last two marriages and I feel since our child was born over 8 years ago...

    it could happen again...

    I feel we can either live a life of "sacrifice" or decide we try and find what we need in life....to have our desires fulfilled...

    Good luck...
     
  14. cbrmale

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    I hope so, but remember that my wife initiated our first sexual encounters very shortly after she gave birth, and I was in no doubt that she wished to resume an active sex life. So it was mostly me initiating, but she certainly was a willing partner.

    Add realism though, Joe's experience is at the other end of the spectrum, and it ended badly for him.

    Apart from my posting on the declining sex drive for women once they are in a relationship, there is something else I want to post:

    Different type of love
    Eros is the physical, sexual side of love. It is needing and desiring, and wanting the other person physically. The physical, sexual side of love called "Cupid" by the Romans.

    Agape is the altruistic, giving, nondemanding side of love. It is an active concern for the life and growth of those whom we love. It is most clearly demonstrated by a parent´s love for a child. Agape is an unconditional affirmation of another person. It is a Greek term for spiritual love.

    Philos is the love found in deep and enduring friendships. It is also the kind of love described in the biblical injunction "Love thy neighbor as thyself." It is also the greek term for the love found in deep, enduring friendships; a general love of humanity.


    Some relationships have 'love' which is eros only, and they don't last. Other relationships have Agape and Philos, but not much eros, and they can end as Joe's did. After a while passion dies out (as you would expect), but even after break-up the parties remain friends. This type of relationship is more common than you can believe, and I have known other couples who have broken up purely over sex, but are still remain friends with each other.

    My relationship is based on all three, we are best friends, unconditionally attached, and horny for each other as all hell. Prior to meeting my wife, I had a couple of girlfriends who were agape / philos type of relationships, and even though we had great times together, I knew something was missing. Sure we had lots of sex as any couple who are first getting together do, but somehow it didn't seem right. And then I met my wife, and I realised my love for her and her love for me was deeper and more intense and more alive than the other girls, it had a healthy dose of eros on top of everything else.

    So I hope it works out for you, as we all do, but don't use my experience as a template because even something simple like love is way more complex than many of us give it credit for.
     
  15. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    What always makes me angry when i read things about women not caring if they have sex with their husbands is this simple fact:

    Women need intimacy to have sex.

    MEN need sex to have intimacy.

    So what's happening with these selfish women (in these cases) are that they are getting intimacy poured to them, but they are giving their men NO intimacy. People with no intimacy will try to find it somewhere else............ and maybe rightly so?
     
  16. SexyScorp

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    I think it might have more to do with the "10 years married" thing

    tbh

    Familiarity often can breed contempt, indifference boredom etc etc
     
  17. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    Wife and I have been married almost 9 years, and we're about to put an order down on some liquid latex to try on each other. Long term has nothing to do with it. Communication is 100% the key.
     
  18. SexyScorp

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    Do you guys have children msduncan....I feel not.....

    And I believe you when you say you are happy....

    But long term for SOME does have an effect on a relationship...not for all of course!!!

    it can become toooo predictable and boring...
     
  19. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    We have a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old girl.
     
  20. SexyScorp

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    Then I apologise...

    And I applaud you for your happy marriage.....

    You give hope....

    Keep on loving.....:)