My wife feels pain during sex

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by tr0n, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. tr0n

    tr0n New Member

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    Okay, here's the thing. My wife and I haven't had sex since the summer of 2005. Just prior to that we had some serious relationship problems, and almost got divorced. Lots of counseling, and working to grow on our own and later together saved our marriage. We've improved our communication and moved on past our problems- except for sex. That is THE only thing stopping us now.

    We thought she had vaginismus, because at the time we last had sex (and before that), she'd be in a lot of pain afterwards, and her pussy would tighten up so much that she'd have to double over and get to a bathtub to soak and relax. She went to a new gyn and he said she had vestibulitis, and that she could have sex..but prescribed her a lidocaine lotion for the pain, and a steroid cream to help with the inflammation. She was checked for all STD's (she did cheat on me a few years ago when we were going through all that trouble), and everything came out okay. Negative on Pap and whatever other tests they did. We've been out of marriage counseling since I think October or November, and have been seeing a sex therapist maybe once a month, for the past two months. She gave us some ideas on how we can get my wife's sex drive back, and we started doing that stuff. Maybe 2 days of reading erotica, she was watching a porn on our little DVD player in our bedroom.

    She said she felt turned on, so I asked her if it was okay if I ate her pussy. She said it was, so I did. After a few minutes she said she really wanted me inside of her. She gave me a quick blowjob (I would have preferred more than 30 seconds, but beggars can't be choosers), and got on top of me. I slid in easily and we fucked for maybe a minute before I came in her pussy. For some reason, feeling my cum in her really turns her on, and it makes it more slippery in there (according to her; it feels more than lubricated on my end), and she's able to have a nice g-spot orgasm in a few minutes. But here's where the problem starts. Immediately following, she tightens up immensely. Don't get me wrong, it feels damn good on my cock, but she said it was akin to closing a fist on a knife for her. Pulling out is extremely painful, and again, she's running to the tub to put some water on herself. I felt terrible. We were both still excited that her sex drive came back a little though, as it had been literally years since we had sex. What we learned from the first time:
    Insertion is painless if she's on top.
    She loves my cum inside her pussy, and no negative reaction becomes of it (it's not like she has an internal allergy or anything causing the pain.).
    She can have a decent orgasm, but it hurts immediately afterward.
    Withdrawal is extremely painful, and stays painful for hours afterward.

    For the record, my wife has never ever had multiple orgasms.

    The second time we did it was monday night. I had been asking her about it here and there, with no favorable reaction. We had been pretty busy and she doesn't make sex really a priority (because I don't think she really enjoys it). Finally we started watching porn in bed again, and she got horny. I was eating her out again, this time with a small vibrator which she seemed to like on her clit. Fine, right? I thought I'd vary it up a bit, so I crawled halfway on top of her and started rubbing my cock on her. This put her off! She got mad and asked me what the fuck I was doing, why I was forcing myself on her, etc. I told her I wasn't trying to do that, and that's not what I wanted her to think, etc. She got flustered but I kept going at it. The mood was obviously altered. After that, she got on top of me and put me inside her again. I asked her if she wanted me to wear a condom, since we hadn't tried the polyurethane ones yet. She was already feeling my cock in her and didn't want to pull it out, but I sorta insisted, and pulled it out really slow to put on a condom. I guess withdrawal hurts even if she doesn't have an orgasm. I put the condom on, and couldn't even get it in because she said it felt too unnatural and uncomfortable. We had an argument because she was getting so frustrated. About an hour later we were talking it out and she got horny again. This time I just put my cock right into her (she was on top, again), came, and she had an orgasm a few minutes later. This time, she got off my cock sort of mid-orgasm. She said it still hurt but didn't hurt as bad as leaving it in til she finished.
    What we learned this time:
    She can't stand the feel of condoms inside her, apparently.
    Withdrawal hurts before orgasm.
    And she said that it felt painful trying to bounce up and down, so she was mostly grinding herself to orgasm (gyrating and stuff so my cock would rub the right spots inside, as opposed to sliding in and out).

    So I ask you, what in the hell causes this sort of thing? Vaginismus usually means you can't even get it in because the muscles are so tight. Vestibulitis is generally chronic inflammation that *should* make even insertion painful. We're both healthy. The lubrication is there. There is plenty of foreplay (for her anyway, I get gypped). I know it's normal for girls to spasm during orgasm, but I thought this was supposed to feel good..why all the pain? I would presume the doctor to be wrong but he seemed pretty thorough, and even if he was wrong, I couldn't match her (our) symptoms to a condition even if I tried!

    I think it's very possible there is a mental component here..either conscious or unconscious. I know she gets anxious about it hurting, and I wonder if it's sort of self-fulfilling. Perhaps this causes the involuntary contractions? Is there a way to force someone (or have them force their body) to relax in these situations? This has been happening for a while, so as far as I know, it could be merely ingrained (sp) and not something that's a permanent disability..more of a learned disability that needs to be unlearned and corrected. If that's the case, I have no idea how someone would do that unless they were physically present while we were having sex...

    Am I the only one in the world that is going thru this, or what?
     
  2. pirouette

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    Maybe you are the only person in the world experiencing this exact situation at this point in time. It does seem more mental than physical considering that you have been thorough about visiting the doctor.
    I'm not familiar with the condition. Perhaps a mood altering component could be used? I'm far more relaxed when alcohol is introduced into the equation. Certainly, a doctor can be more helpful and get the appropriate meds to help with anxiety.
    Sorry I wasn't helpful...but you have my sympathy in a most difficult situation. :)
     
  3. burton

    burton New Member

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    does it hurt if you finger her? or when you put it in her? if so, sounds like it is in her head?
     
  4. tr0n

    tr0n New Member

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    That's the thing. I'll try to explain this the best I can so you can picture it. She's laying down on her back, face up. The gyn takes a Q-tip and puts it so just the very tip of the thing is in her pussy, then pushes down towards the examination table. My wife said the pain there is immense. The doc said that's the vestibulitis, and gave her a steroid cream for it (which she hasn't really been using religiously). When I eat her out I try to stay towards the "top" near hear clit, but I flicker down with my tongue occasionally and she likes it. I'm cunninlingually challenged because of that stupid piece of skin on the bottom of my tongue prevents me from sticking it out that far! Anyway, I can finger her, but again I focus on her clit and don't drop down too far. At this point we're really "chatty" during sex and foreplay..where I tell her what I want to do and she tells me what hurts and what not to do. She doesn't like when I go too "low" like towards her actual pussy hole itself. I can't say we've done it enough to establish specifically where the pain is, but I'm sure with time I'll get more information. I know she's pretty wet when we have sex, but my cock won't slide in perfectly easy if it's dry. If she sucks on it a little before it goes right in no problems. Perhaps it's a lubrication issue? I'm not sure, as she seems pretty damn wet when I'm eating her pussy.

    I think at least *part* of it is in her head. She expects pain, so she feels pain. As far as I know, it's a learned muscle response. You do something the wrong way long enough and your body forgets what the right way is and what the right reactions to it are. That's how vaginismus happens in many cases, and I wonder if this is something akin to that. I dunno, I'm no doctor!
     
  5. Atilla

    Atilla New Member

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    Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex
    1 Going straight for the naughty bits
    2 Not knowing how to kiss sensitively
    3 Being too rough when you touch her thing
    4 Not washing your pits and bits before you have sex
    5 Sticking a finger up her vagina before she's ready, willing and able
    6 Entering her without asking her first

    by the way i keep doing same mistakes over and over
     
  6. SexyScorp

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    Generally not being "aware" in and out of the bedroom
    can be a real huge turn off for a lot of women...........

    Just a little thought, goes a long way with us women...:)