My wife - a prude. Pls Help.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Confusedguy, Apr 25, 2007.

  1. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    What can I do?

    I've just joined and here's why:

    Firstly, my wife's sex drive changed about 2 years ago. From very high to almost nothing.

    Secondly she has become very very shy.
    She allows me to do almost nothing....only about 2 positions, and I'm not allowed to go down on her. I really love doing all sorts of things for and to her, I love to se her have pleasure, but honestly, it's just not doing it for me anymore...It's been going on for about 2 years now and I am getting frustrated....the few times we do it, leaves me very unfulfilled.

    I just want thigns to be the way they were....for her to want me and for our sex life to be marginally interesting...you know?

    Right now it's about once every month or two months, and try as I might, it's almost never longer than 15-20 minutes due to her shyness.....

    What do I do? I have tried doing all sorts of nice things for her (non-sexual things) Ihelp out around the house a lot, I have tried coaxing her into things in the bedroom, try being more commanding....nothing.

    Any advice?
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid Gold Member

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    What are your ages?

  3. johnnyangel694u

    johnnyangel694u Gold Member

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    Is she on any depression medications? If she is that would pretty much explain it. If not, is there anything that you can think of that has happened in and around the same time that she started to change? New job, empty nest, problem with children or anything like that. I have been going through this type of thing for about 7 years now and it is because of depression and the medication. Good luck.
  4. RubyRed

    RubyRed New Member

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    How old is she? Hormones are often the culprit when a woman's sex drives changes suddenly. Is she anywhere near menopause? Has she had any kids in the last few years?
  5. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    Thanks for the help so far.

    Ages: I'm 31 and she is 30.

    It was about the same time she got pregnant, but nothing else dramatic did, or has happened...
  6. johnnyangel694u

    johnnyangel694u Gold Member

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    I think it is the child(ren). How many children do you have? She could be overwhelmed with motherly duties and doesn't have a good self esteem because of having a mom "figure." Ok ladies, don't shoot me. Just an easy way to make a point.:lol
  7. RubyRed

    RubyRed New Member

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    Well, there you go. Pregnancy and hormonal changes could very well be what started it all. Then the adjustment of parenting an infant/toddler just add to it.

    Maybe she is experiencing post-partum depression?

    If she was never diagnosed, that could be the culprit, even after 2 years. In my case, I had p-p depression but was in denial and never sought treatment and it affected me for a long time.
  8. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    We only have one boy....sweetest litte guy ever, not a handfull at all! He's 1.5 years
  9. SexyScorp

    SexyScorp Gold Member

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    I also suffered from post natal depression for
    a long time...

    I know one woman who never had depression her
    whole life until her third son was born....she still
    has it....he is 21 now...

    Your wife probably needs help...she may be in denial
    about her feelings...:(
  10. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid Gold Member

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    This is not always the case, however. I have been on depression medication for years. You'd be hard pressed to find many people who desire sex more often than I do...... :blush
  11. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    Thanks, I'll have to suggest this to her.

    Thanks for the help guys! You are awesome!

    From Mr. Frustrated ;)
  12. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    I would love to ask you to talk to my wife....we do it on average once every month or two months!
  13. RubyRed

    RubyRed New Member

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    I agree with SexyScorp. Your wife needs help. Mothering can be overwhelming to any new parent, and if she's dealing with any sort of depression whatsoever, then it just makes everything seem like too much.

    Even the sweetest kids can put a strain on a new mom.

    The worst thing you can do is say "I don't understand, there's no reason for her to be depressed." There doesn't have to be a reason. Don't look for someone or something to blame. Just get her some help. And support her. Do more chores around the house. Maybe you think you're very helpful, but maybe she wishes you would do more?

    I don't know, I don't live with the 2 of you. You sound like you really care about her and want to make things work. I hope things improve for both of you.
  14. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid Gold Member

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    I think that the late twenties/early thirties is when some women do their life assessment. Sex becomes less of a priority, and being loved completely by a man who doesn't push it becomes more of a priority. I know I spent my life assessment period wishing that I could figure out who I was apart from "his mom", "his wife", "their daughter", etc. The journey made me feel very unsexual for a time. I was there, where we had sex once every month or two. And the times we did have sex I only gave in so that he wouldn't leave me......
  15. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    Thank you for that honest insight!

    I really do love her and I get the feelnig that's the only reason she has intercourse with me!
    I want her to want me...
    Women gets love from their husbands by a lot of things...intimacy can be snuggles, backrubs, flowers, housework, etc...and I do all these very regularly...and more.
    Men gets love from their wives by sex. That is the intimacy we understand....I want her to show me she finds me attratcive and that she loves me...
  16. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid Gold Member

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    What are some other things she is doing to love you, though? Focusing and appreciating those things are going to open her up. I know I'd about die right now for a proclamation that I am a good wife and companion.

    Remember that it doesn't mean that she doesn't want or love you.

    Beyond this, how is her mood overall? If you ask her if she is happy with her life and if she feels loved and fulfilled what would she say?
  17. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    She gives me hugs and she says she loves me. She cooks me dinner - sorry that's all I can come up with.

    You are right, of course. I know that. I know she loves me, but at some point I want her to show me, you know? Otherwise it becomes all just talk. But I do realise that and I cling to that :)

    Her mood is fine for the most part. We have spoken about it and she says that she is very happy with herself and life in general and feeling great. There are never any real mood swings, or times of depression, she's always happy and smiling. We speak about it openly, we know each other very well, so I know she is telling the truth.

    There may be some hormonal imbalances and I want her to go check that out...maybe that's it?
  18. Nettle

    Nettle Member

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    People show love in different ways, there is a book, The Five Languages of Love, I have been recommended to read it, but as yet I have not bought it, but my friend explained how some people need love shown by acts of kindness, others by gifts, others verbally etc.

    Becoming a mother is life changing, you have another being making demands on you, no matter how sweet he is, and how easy you think he is, it is probably her hard work keeping him happy.

    After a long day of looking after a child, sometimes the last thing you want is for your husband to start wanting somthing too. When my children were small, I just wanted to be left alone when I got into bed.

    Maybe sex feels different after childbirth, it often does. For me it was quite painful, and i didn't get it resolved until I had the second child and they said I had a lot of scar tissue down there.

    There are many reasons that could be causing your wifes loss of interest, you need to talk and try to find out how she feels the way she does, although sometimes we don't even know why ourselves!

    It took me a long while to realise that I needed to give myself permission to want sex and enjoy sex, for me it went back to a very strict upbringing.

    Maybe your wife feels that *mums* don't do that kind of stuff... or she hates the way her body looks after childbirth...

    Try to talk to her about it, outside of the bedroom.
  19. johnnyangel694u

    johnnyangel694u Gold Member

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    What's the name of the medication you are taking?:lol
  20. Confusedguy

    Confusedguy New Member

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    I have read a summary of that book and I have applied all 5 love languages to her, and still am, just to make sure I make her feel loved.

    I understand that becoming a mother is tough, exactly for the reason you explained above, I respect that.
    But at what point does one start to neglect her husband?

    We have spoken about it. her response is generally, there is no problem. She doesn't want to acknowledge the need for councig

    I'm catholic, so I cannot even masturbate to releve some sexual frustration and tention...I just have to suck it up.
    Is this fair?
    I bend over backwards for her and she knows my feelings and needs.
    But I'll remain faithfull and patient and wait for her....but boy, it's tough! Especially at night! :)