My sex life is great, except for one thing...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Miss Kitty, Mar 13, 2007.

  1. Miss Kitty

    Miss Kitty New Member

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    ...I've never been able to come with a man!

    I'm looking for some advice. This problem has plagued my sex life, and is causing my partner much grief. My body is healthy and is perfectly capable of achieving climax. I pleasure myself in the absence of my boyfriend on a regular basis, and have no problem finishing the deed. I do things like wear lingerie under my clothes when I go out to feel sexy, and view adult photos and videos when the mood strikes. But when it comes to real sex, I am left completely puzzled and confused. Now, my boyfriend has no trouble turning me on. Our foreplay is quite enjoyable and gets me all hot and wet with anticipation. He is a generous giver, and I love to make him groan with delight by going down on him. My "pleasure level" will become so high that it's unbearable--my body aches, my clit is totally stimulated, and my pussy is swollen, and then, right when I can feel that it's time, my libido dips and I lose the moment! At that point I am still into the act, but I am no longer anywhere near orgasm. This is when I pretty much give up on myself and help my partner come.

    Hopefully I have illustrated the bizarreness of this issue as I see it! Here's some background, and then ways I have come to rationalize it. I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. It hasn't always been easy, as we've had a few big arguments, and our sex life together hasn't always been perfect (disregarding my issue for the term "perfect" here), but in general we have been very sexually passionate with each other. Neither of us were virgins when we got together, and our relationship didn't take long to become sexual, but we have always been very emotionally attached, and enjoy spending a lot of time together, hanging out with friends or sharing common hobbies. I have been in one other serious relationship involving sex, and other not-so-serious relationships with no more than kissing and clothed body contact. I have been a sexual person since a pretty young age, but did not do sexual acts with someone else until I was ready.

    Of course, I can't honestly paint a perfect picture of my own sexuality. Here are things which may be contributing to the issue: I am pretty shy and passive most of the time when it comes to sex. It takes me months to open up to a sexual partner, and even after 10 months together, I haven't told my boyfriend about my darkest and kinkiest fetishes. Predominantly, this is due to my personality. But also, I have reasonable suspicion that my boyfriend is or used to be into hardcore or unconventional sex practices, and may be too nervous or scared to reveal this to me. I would love for him to share, and have hinted at this before, but he closes up and gets a little defensive when I bring it up. Since I respect this completely, I am saving the sharing of more hardcore stuff for later down the road. Another reason: I love being a giver, and I am always thinking about my partner's pleasure. But oftentimes I catch myself not even thinking about my own pleasure, and am not even letting myself get into the moment. It's as if I have a hard time giving and getting at the same time. I hardly ever ask for what I want, but he does ask me whenever it's time to change positions. Finally, I have plenty of fetishes, but the ones that turn me on the most when I am alone, are unsuccessful at "doing the job" when carried out. We will do them anyway, because it still turns me on, but yet again I have the same anticlimactic problem. Of course, I will fantasize about the act the next day, and will quickly reach orgasm with my boyfriend and our wild night in my thoughts.


    I'm not here for professional or clinical advice, but I am too shy to go to a sex therapist or anything of the sort. I have not ruled out doing so, but I would prefer to go once I am married and with my husband, not alone or with a boyfriend. For now, I just need to see what others have to say about this. I hope this post wasn't so long that nobody reads it! I could really use some input!
     
  2. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    You've said that you're totally focussed on getting his rocks off but is he the same way back to you and does he go down on you and do you like it? There are plenty of women who say they can't cum from penetration alone and need another form of stimulation and oral sex is so much fun. Do you/can you cum from oral?? When you say your pleasure level becomes so high it's unbearable this may be a good time for him to go down.
     
  3. heelfetish

    Gold Member

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    I'm no expert, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. But from what I've read, it seems that you are right, and it is a mental block preventing your orgasm. Perhaps it is from a lack of intimacy; you admit that you are both keeping secrets from each other. My advice would be for you to open up to him. If you truly love and trust this man, share your thoughts and desires with him. Chances are, he'll open up as well. This sharing of such deep personal thoughts will bring you both closer together, and may allow you to open up to him, to allow him in, so to speak.

    Keeping things like that bottled up is only leading to tension between you. I believe it is this tension that is preventing your orgasm.

    Finally, you mention that you give up once you lose the build-up of orgasm. My advice? Don't give up. Your pleasure is just as important as his. If you lose the build-up of sexual energy, stop what you're doing and go back to what it was the built it up in the first place. If you continue to give up on yourself you may never find your orgasm with him.

    Good luck, and hopefully someone else can add another perspective. :)
     
  4. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I absolutely indorse what HeelFetish said

    But if you would please state here what your fetishes are.
    Maybe we could address your problem better if we knew
    what they are. None of here are experts on anything but
    collectively maybe we can find a solution.

    Also I might add, When you are all hot and bothered would
    be a good time to say what your fetish is, You may be surprised
    to find that He is all for it, And make you cum.

    Hiker:sf
     
  5. barbie

    barbie New Member

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    Maybe he would like to tell you about his past but feels like you are to shy to understand.Maybe if you talk to him and tell him what your feelings are the two of you can open up to one another and when all those things are out in the open you can enjoy each other a lot more.
     
  6. Miss Kitty

    Miss Kitty New Member

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    Thanks for the responses, everyone! Sorry I have been MIA. Didn't mean to be a one-post-wonder for awhile there.

    I think it is more of a physical thing than emotional. I actually used to think it was a mental block before I started going out with him, because my ex boyfriend and I were somewhat emotionally distant, so that's what I blamed it on. But no matter how unbridled my mind is, this is still a problem with my current boyfriend. I will try the suggestion of asking him to go down on me when I start to approach climax. Usually, once I get to that point and stay there for awhile, I start to get a little sore, and that's when I put up the white flag....lol. :D

    Heh, about my fetishes...I like to be controlled, talked down to, and even feel abused. Anything with some kind of sadistic twist on the part of my partner turns me on, unless it brings me actual pain (well, I can take a certain amount, but pain doesn't do anything for me). I like toys too, and a lot of foreplay. If you ask me, foreplay is best when done while doing other things throughout the day, building up sexual tension until all you can think of is going at each other. We have been working on doing more foreplay, as he enjoys it too.