My perpetual state of being, punctuated by short periods of togetherness

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by loveit247, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. loveit247

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    Well, I said goodbye to my SO on Thursday. I thought long and hard and realised that his controlling, interfering sister and draining clingy mother were not going anywhere.

    I gave him an ultimatum a month ago that he needed to start putting our relationship over his sisters need to control, and no donut. So it is over.

    I am far to old to hang around and hope anymore. Those are childs hopes. He will never change. He is a wonderful man and I love him very much, but he has no spine when it comes to his family and he never put me or us first.

    So yeah, back to being single, AGAIN!
     
  2. Bluesy

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    Aww, I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has ended, but I'm sure you did the right thing, hon. If his family is that dysfunctional, odds are that equally dysfunctional characteristics would've begun to emerge in him, too, in time (lots of guys put their best foot forward early on, then lapse into being "themselves" once they feel secure in the relationship). He may have been the prince that turned back into a frog, given enough time for the magic to wear off.

    *Hugs* and <<<heart-mending>>> vibes to you.
     
  3. loveit247

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    Thanks. I appreciate it. I am almost not feeling it right now. He had asked me to marrry him, we were looking at early next year. I just could not get my head around how he panders to his family. There was ALWAYS something that had to happen. Last straw was when his sister screetched about how much she hated me and he told me that she was entitled to her opinion when I called him on saying nothing.

    I just came to realise that they would always come before me. I don't want that. I want to be a mans princess.
     
  4. Bluesy

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    I don't blame you one bit...the problems just get increasingly worse when a guy always kowtows to his family. My ex-husband agreed to having his mother move in with us pending the death of his father, and WITHOUT my consent! He waited until after having this discussion with them and settling the details before telling me how things were going to go down on that fateful day...and MIL was an overbearing witch :ugh I never, ever would've agreed to it, but I wasn't given any say in the matter. That isn't the reason I divorced him, but it certainly influenced my decision!

    Be the princess, you deserve it :tup
     
  5. Hot Wheels

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    Exactly right.....enough said:)

    Mmmm.....loveit's back on the market:eyes
    * HW checks cost of airfare to Africa*:brow
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Definitely agreed! The right person will find you, LoveIt...I doubt you even have to look yourself. Be selective because you can be! ;)

    BD
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Wow. It never ceases to amaze me how folks can be so very inconsiderate of their partner in decisions that they make. Ya know, I do believe that taking care of your extended family is a very important thing, no doubt about it. BUT...it really has to be done in a way that doesn't harm the relationship that two people have committed to. When we are married, we are SUPPOSED to put each other first as much as we can. 'Nuff said. It really comes down to what's truly important to you...our actions will reflect those priorities.

    BD
     
  8. cook74

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    Sorry to be the first not to post in the affirmative.

    Firstly loveit, you are a fox! I'm sure that you can pick and choose just like BD said.

    BUT! A loving family have stuck together through all the years prior to your meeting with your SO. That history means a lot to some people. And although you might not like it, it is probable that their expectation was for you to join that family's inner circle.

    Personally I am not so well bonded with my family. I love them all, but there is space. My wife's family on the other hand are the closest I have ever seen people get, and although it is scary and weird sometimes, I also see the benefits of it.

    They all respect my space though, and realize that I come from a different breed. Still, just fitting in into all that strong love was hard.
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Interesting post Cook. Don't get me wrong...like I said, family is very important thing, and this can be a very difficult balance. I think how you handle these types of things is something that two partners really need to discuss before they get married...that way both parties understand what the limits to their commitments are, if any. I think the default expectation for many people (correct me if I'm wrong) is that when you marry someone, you are making a willful commitment to put that person first in your life. That's what most marriage covenants (regardless of their religious context) call us to do, right? Now, it's fine to put limitations to those marriage covenants regarding blood family, but those things need to be negotiated (for lack of a better word) up front BEFORE you get married, not discovered by accident as you go along. That would certainly be the ideal...but we rarely achieve the ideal do we?

    Another ideal is that you never put your SO in a situation where they HAVE to choose between you and their blood family (and you expect your SO to avoid putting themselves in that situation), right? But those situations happen, sometimes unexpectedly. The only thing that I can think of in this case is to make the choice that reflects kindness and what's best for your SO AND your relationship with your SO (AND your own kids, if you have any). Would having a live-in family member be a comfortable workable situation for all parties, not create resentment or conflict with your SO, etc? Then you can probably make it work, at least short-term, and your SO would probably love you that much more for it. If having a live-in family member will create resentment and position your and your SO at odds with each other, then that's probably not the right choice to make IF you truly value your SO and the relationship with your SO...certainly so for the long-term. I think you just have to think through what is the lesser of the evils, all things considered, and then make that choice even if it is a difficult one. Sometimes there simply isn't a "right answer"...that's the way life is.

    BD
     
  10. Joe

    Joe
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    Discussion ahead of time would be a good idea, but it would be hard to imagine all the possibilities that a couple and their families might face. And people's attitudes often change after marriage. My first wife and I discussed "fer instances" before marriage, but she changed her mind shortly after she moved out of the family home and we tied the knot. She became much closer to her parents, which really became a major problem in our relationship.

    ~~RANT WARNING~~
    Example: We usually took a two-week vacation in the summer and again in the winter. The summer vacation was with her parents and the winter one was just us and the kids. Eventually my (ex) wife suggested that I not go on the summer vacation so she could spend more time with her parents. Fine. I went fishing with buddies.

    Then her mother invited herself (and grandpa) along for our winter vacation as well. That didn't sit well with me. The first time it happened we had reservations at a swank 5-star hotel (Fontainebleau) at Miami Beach. I had reserved a standard room with two queen beds -- one for us and one for the two kids to fight over. But since her parents weren't about to pay the price for the room, they stayed with us! I'll tell you what, after you wait a year to spend a vacation with your wife and kids, and then have your bitchy, whiney mother-in-law come and sleep in the same hotel room, your nerves get a little on edge.

    Of course the whole thing was MY fault (according to mil) for picking such an expensive hotel in the first place. It didn't matter that I'd had the reservations months before she invited herself along! I left them in the room and went to the Miami Boat Show by myself. (Damn near bought a yacht and have wished ever since that I would have.)
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    :rofl Why do I have this mental image of Joe sailing away in a boat named "Fukitall" with his middle finger extended? :D

    BD
     
  12. Joe

    Joe
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    :lol
    I like that image, even now!

    But at the time it would more likely have been something like this:
    [​IMG]
     
  13. CutiePie25

    CutiePie25 New Member

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    My Ex-husband was raised by his mother by herself after his parents split. So, him and his mom have a VERY close relationship. I knew this before I married him and made the mistake of not discussing their relationship and how it would affect our relationship before I married him. It created a lot of difficulties in my marriage. As Bluesy said, she wasn't the reason I left, but definitly a deciding factor.
     
  14. loveit247

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    Let me take a little time to explain. I am all for close families, seeing them on a weekly basis, having get togethers, spending time on holidays etc. BUT and I mean BUT!!! His sister is a VERY overbearing and controlling person. She dictates what we will do and when we will do it.

    He lives on a marina and has two little boats. We decided that over Christmas we were going to go to the carol singing in the one little boat, just us, a picnic and some champers. We were going to ride around the marina for a while and then meet his family at the carols. WELL, she decided to loan out the one boat and told us that her and her BF were coming with us on our boat and we must pack the picnic. I flipped and refused. I told him to take them or me, not both! We had planned our evening a week in advance. He caved to me, with much reluctance. His sister lost it because she had loaned out HIS other boat, without his consent, and now didn't have a boat to go on. She freaked out and called me a controling bitch who was trying to seperate the family.

    She comes into his house without permission and takes things out of his fridge. I caught her going through his cupboards, when I told him he said it didn't matter, she is his sister. She came in and took his DVD player and didn't return it, so we could not watch movies when we wanted. She screams at him if he does not tell her he is going away on holiday with me. She phones him constantly and if he does not answer because he and I are trying to spend quiet time she comes around and yells at the gate until he lets her in.

    She hates me and tells him I can't come to family gatherings, she hates me because I told her to butt out of our relationship.

    So, now you understand that it is not a normal family situation. Our therapist told him that he has not matured in his relationship with his family and he will never have a normal adult relationship with a woman until he sorts it out. We are both going to seperate therapy, me for abuse, him for his family issues and we have seperated. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I refuse to play second. If he wants me he needs to put me first and seperate himself from this need to pander to his sister.
     
  15. Bluesy

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    Very well said :tup Close family relations are a good thing, but what we're referring to here (as exemplified in Loveit's post below, and the situation I was referring to earlier with my ex-MIL) is drawing healthy boundary lines in the sand when necessary (and making ultimatums if needed) so that you don't become an unwitting victim to your SO's family's dysfunction. It would not have been financially burdensome for ex-MIL to move into a nearby retirement complex (ex's family had $$$). She had very definite (and outmoded) beliefs about child-rearing and house-wifery. I was bitched out once because ex-H did a small load of laundry for me (not that it matters, but I was working at the time and he was looking for a job). "Men aren't supposed to do housework!" That sort of behavior would've gotten old really fast. I almost sent his new wife a sympathy card...:dgrin

    Wow...:eek All I can say is, thank goodness you had the inner strength to put your needs first and do what had to be done. His sister sounds like a nightmare!
     
  16. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Here's...

    ...a little test for you, if you like;

    Would he agree with that paragraph, as written? I am presuming everything else is/was awful good as you were thinking about marriage and the common theme of the bad stuff is his relationship with his family, yes?

    Time to play cybershrink! :lol
     
  17. loveit247

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    He does agree. He agreed in front of our therapist. And yes, everything in our relationship was wonderful. Of course we had our little fights, about silly stuff like, don't smack your lips or your dripped red wine on the floor, but the two constants were my mild agoraphobia and his family.

    So, we think that if we each sort out our parts we stand a solid chance.
     
  18. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Wow. Loveit...I hope you get it all sorted out. One thing that I am usually unable to tolerate is blatant disrespect...your SIL would have pushed ALL of my hot buttons (in which case I find it REALLY hard to just bite my tongue), so you must be quite a strong person to even put up with her at all. Kudos to you on being a strong woman and making the necessary but difficult decisions. I hope it works out for the best for you, darlin'.

    *hugs*
    BD
     
  19. Dreama

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    Be glad you got out of that. If a man does not seperate himself from his family enough to have a normal relationship with other people, he's really not worth being with. I'm sorry that things didn't work out. His family sounds like psychotic. I love my family and everything, but if they were like that, I'd probably move so far away.....I know that sounds mean, but I value my privacy so much, and people coming in my house without permission, borrowing my things without permission, being a general bitch to me for no apparent reason, would not be cool with me at all. And, if hubby's Dad did that (don't have a MIL at this point), it would be really crazy, and I wouldn't be able to stand it. As it is, his family is pretty conservative, and I'm almost scared of what to say around them all the time. It would be so nerve wracking to deal with what you've dealt with.
     
  20. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Then...

    ...that's not a bad place to be, agreeing what the problem is and that everything else is good!

    Good luck!