My (lack of a) past

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by bricolage, Aug 20, 2010.

  1. bricolage

    bricolage New Member

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    Hello all,

    I'm not sure who to ask about this, but I wanted to try here.

    I'm young(ish) and have only had 2 women I've been sexual with. An ex and a current. And the current I love--seriously. And I am generally looking forward to a future with her--marriage, total commitment, a life. But I keep having this nagging feeling that I am missing out on more...experience. I'm not sure how much of it is irrational or just something natural or what. But as I've been contemplating big decisions, I've been wishing I had been with more women. Or that I could be with more women before I make a commitment (obviously I'm not ready for that yet lol.)

    It isn't something overwhelming or something that I think about a lot--but it comes back. I keep wondering if I am going to be missing the chance to experience more before things are permanently set.

    Bigger picture stuff...it is possible that I'm not "truly" in love--not yet, but I seriously feel like my life is much better with my current relationship than without. And obviously I'm not ready for commitment and all that.... I am processing all of that currently.

    I guess what I'm wondering is--is this something I will regret? Not having told her how I feel and potentially acting on it? Or is it just something that will fade with time?

    Thanks for any insight!
     
  2. cbrmale

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    It is possible you are mistaking the thing you have for something that it's not, which is mind-blowing earth-shattering love. I think a lot of now married couples went out together, got on well together, had some okay sex, and got married. And then they realise something's wrong. These are the men who write into forums like this asking 'help me, I haven't had sex with my wife for six months'.

    I had committment problems arising from my upbringing, which in some ways was a good thing, because when I met my now wife I then discovered true, complete and total love. And the same for her; she had a few boyfriends before me but always felt that something was lacking. And then she met me.

    I think you should go with your instincts on this one. Maybe you will regret it, but probably not. You don't need a dozen or a hundred partners, but my feeling is that if you're asking this question, then what you don't have is love. If you had the love that I know; you wouldn't be asking the question.
     
  3. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    When you decide on a total commitment like marriage, you must, MUST go into it determined to never look back and say "what if..." or "if only...". If you have those thoughts now, I'd strongly reconsider your commitment plans.

    In my view, what a lot of folks do not seem to realize is: marriage is trouble. You *will* have all kinds of problems. You will have conflict. The issue is not "how can I avoid these things", but "when these things occur, am I with someone who will stand with me to face these things, and/or am I willing to have patience, or sacrifice my own interests, for the overall betterment of the marriage?"

    I have not been with another woman besides my wife. Certainly I had opportunities before and after we were married. But I had just reached a point where I wanted that total commitment above all else. I had no desire to look elsewhere sexually because I loved the way we had grown together sexually. And though in other areas we had some very different interests, I was fine with compromising, and even giving in (as was my wife), just because we enjoyed being with each other. In fact, I fully expected the sex to get "worse" as we got older, just because of age and other issues we had seem come up in other marriages. But I still wanted to be with her. The funny thing is how much better the sex has gotten. But I feel a big factor is my attitude of not looking back.

    Now is the time to really ask and assess these tough questions. If you do not feel you can truly make that commitment, better to end things now and keep playing the field, than go into marriage half-heatedly and always wondering if the grass is greener on the other side, for you will likely end up going to that side and making things even worse. I wish you well.
     
  4. bricolage

    bricolage New Member

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    Thanks for the input, people.

    For clarity--marriage is an idea I've only been thinking about for the past year of my life. I generally don't plan on getting married for some years yet--other things to sort first. But when I'm in the relationship I'm in, which has survived a long time, I try to balance it out with my increasing interest in marriage someday. I guess I'm thinking longer term, even though I do not intend to act on marriage until things like these are all sorted out.
     
  5. HardRocker

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    Just so you know, since you do have a Guy-Brain, it will inevitably wander and wonder about other women. No matter how many or how few you've been with, women come in infinite variations, so the bird dog gene is always barking in the back of your mind. If you screwed up and strayed to try something new and exciting, it wouldn't satisfy your curiosity even a little bit. But it could fuck up your life - and her life - a lot. That is unless you are in one of the open relationships that do sometimes work.
     
  6. bricolage

    bricolage New Member

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    Exactly, I wonder if this is just similar to a worry I'll have no matter what. It just feels, objectively speaking (or as objective as one can get, here), that 2 partners is excessively low.

    I never really thought much about it until I started thinking that my future to the possibility of having more could close off. Mainly because I don't want to be older and wishing that I would have done more while younger.
     
  7. fothermucker

    fothermucker New Member

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    Quality over quantity.:tup

    I have had several partners in the past. Most of them were the typical "hottie's". To be really honest, the experiences with all of the previous partners doesn't even compare to what I have with my fiancee. I have found that the sex that comes from a loving relationship is countless times better than the flings ever could have been. HR is right, that you have the typical "guy-brain", which has your eyes always looking and wondering. If you have a good thing going, you would be wise not to act on what your eyes want you to. A lifetime of a loving relationship with great sex is not worth throwing away for one nights worth of a lousy lay.:p
     
  8. Mittimer

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    I'm going to just throw this out there. I've only had sex with two men. The boyfriend that I lost my vcard to and my Fiancee. I don't regret a thing.
     
  9. HardRocker

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    It scared me too when I was getting married. But that was 26 years ago and I've managed to restrict my wishes and curiosities to fantasy land. Thank goodness for that, because if I'd blown what I now have, I can't imagine how stupid I would feel.
     
  10. cbrmale

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    It's rather sexist to be talking of 'guy brains'. These days, women have almost as many sexual partners as men over a lifetime, and almost as many married women are unfaithful. I hope that clarifies things, but it's off the point.

    To take Htoad's comment, there is much more to marriage than sex, but incompatibility in sexual desire will cause major problems. There is nothing wrong with one partner, or 100 partners like me, it's just an example of how individuals are different. But is any marriage, once considered, good enough? In my view no, because I was lucky to find something very special, and something that all of my friends from my younger days did not find. Oddly, my next younger brother found a wife who was as loving and compatible to him as mine is to me, or maybe that's not so odd. Maybe he broke up with a long-term girlfriend because he felt something wasn't quite right, and then he met someone who he instantly realised was 'the one'. And for me, maybe I was committment-phobic, hence the hundred or so partners, until I met someone who I instantly realised was 'the one'. And 'the one' in more ways than sex, although our sex gets better as time passes.
     
  11. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    If you are ready for marriage, you will not have to think about it, you will be head over heals in love.

    Everybody thinks about the ones we never had, greener pastures. That's normal. Like I tell me wife, I will always window shop, I just don't purchase.
     
  12. Northside

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    Sex doesn't get better because you've had a lot of chicks. It gets better with time and experience with the same person. You get to know her likes and dislikes and you both just improve together.
     
  13. Dragon_Fire

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    Totally agree, provided both partners are happy to work together.
     
  14. cbrmale

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    Absolutely correct, but there are many cases where one partner doesn't work to improve over time, and this would be the case in many, many failed marriages.
     
  15. HardRocker

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    Bullshit.

    I was talking about guys. If the OP was a woman, I could have said the same thing in a way that would have been worded more appropriately to communicate my point to a female. I am On point.
     
  16. Trond

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    Our bodies are obviously different. Our brains are part of our bodies. I don't see why the male and female brains can't be slightly different. In fact, they almost certainly are:
    Discovery Health "Male and Female Brain Structure"

    As for the way we think about these things: I wonder if many (most?) men will never be completely content. It's as if we have a little devil on our shoulder telling us "most other men are probably having sex with hotter women than you". I have force myself to think about it rationally to realize that this is probably not true.
     
  17. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    It's normal to have doubts, but I do think that if you marry someone you have to have the feeling of 'this is the one'.

    I've never had that feeling with any woman I have ever been, which is good, because I would make a lousy husband. However, I've had a few narrow scrapes and almost got married (twice), but thankfully I never did.

    You haven't said how old you are. I really believe age is a major factor of whether or not to get married. If you're under 27, I would say wait until you get a few grey hairs before getting married. Remember, being a man has its advantages. We get better looking as we get older and we can date women younger than ourselves too.

    In any case think hard and long before deciding to tie the knot.
     
  18. Barbwire

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    Yeah, there's nothing sexier than a balding man with a pot belly that thinks he's still got da shit. :lol
     
  19. igor

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    Well, I still got the shit and I ain't bald and don't have a pot belly:lol
     
  20. swat

    swat New Member

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    "It just feels, objectively speaking (or as objective as one can get, here), that 2 partners is excessively low.

    I never really thought much about it until I started thinking that my future to the possibility of having more could close off. Mainly because I don't want to be older and wishing that I would have done more while younger."


    One thing about regrets, they will always be regrets. Personally I think 2 is excessively low for your age. By the time I was 30yrs. old, I had been with 86 women, and I still have regrets, but have been true to the same woman for 23 years now..........yes, I remember each and every one of them, with respect and admiration. It was easier for me than others, as I traveled the globe, and there are many fish in the sea. I guess what I'm saying is, live your life now, while you can, whichever way you decide, good luck on your decision making.