My husband solicited oral sex from another man on cl

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by K_s88, Oct 12, 2015.

  1. K_s88

    K_s88 New Member

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    I've been married a year now. During the summer, my husband was away working and now I've been traveling a lot for work. Not the best way to spend our first year of marriage, but it's what we have to do right now.
    I'm a very insecure and jealous person. My husband hasn't really given me any reasons not to trust him. But, because of my trust issues from past relationships I do sometimes snoop through his phone (say what you will about that, but it's what I do).
    While he was sleeping yesterday I looked through the photos on his phone. I really didn't expect to find anything. Then I saw a picture of his penis. I tried to remember if he had sent me one and that was the reasoning (no) then looked at the date it was taken.
    It was when we were together. I was asleep in bed and he got up in the middle of the night to take a picture for someone. I automatically assumed another woman (why wouldn't I? He's straight...)
    Then I started looking through texts for when it was sent. Looked at snapchat to see if he had been chatting with anyone. Who were his recent/top friends that he had been sending photos to? Everyone was normal people that should be there - no chats.
    Finally stumbled through his email. I found one message from a man asking if he was still looking, then my husband replied 'absolutely' and wanted photos and more about him.
    When I approached my husband he was extremely embarrassed and didn't want to own up to everything right away.
    He told me he had been emailing one guy back and forth a bit, but nothing ever actually happened. He had changed the subject of the email to group project, so I didn't even look at that before. Finally did read through it. I was beyond repulsed. The man was sending him pictures of himself and my husband back. Talking about how hard it made him to see this other mans penis. He said he wanted this other guy to perform oral sex on him, but he wouldn't reciprocate. He was ready to meet up as soon as we returned from our weekend vacation. Just vile to hear my husband saying these things to and about another man.
    He carried on and on that he never met up with the guy, I didn't find any phone numbers exchanged or any proof of an actual meet up. He said he got nervous then realized it was fucked up. He was crying and apologizing.
    I just don't know how to handle this. I'm beyond repulsed. I feel dirty, disgusting, and used. I don't know how we move on from here. How am I supposed to be hours away for the next 6 weeks and think he won't continue this? Especially since he was sending photos while I was in bed in the same house as him. What's stopping it when I am hours away for so long?
    Anyone have experience/advice with this and moving on? It's definitely cheating to me. Which I always thought would be enough reason for leaving. But I'm pregnant with our first child. I love my husband. I made a vow and will stick it out, but I can't be repulsed like this forever. Help, please?
     
  2. billytk1977

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    Cheating, no matter the circumstances, is not cool. The question is what can you handle? If you two did not agree to an open marriage can you forgive him tbis fault or is it setting a standard for what may happen?

    I am assuming that you did not have the open marriage agreement, so i would ask is counseling an option on the table? To work out whatever and resolve the issue before it becomes irreconcilable.
     
  3. pb_j

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    Definitely cheating. However with a child on the way I think you are doing the right thing to try and work it out. I agree that counseling would be a great start. I know several couples that have been through similar circumstances and say that their marriage is better than its ever been, and that the trails they went through have strengthened them as a couple. It will take time but it will get better providing you both work hard to repair your marriage. Best of luck to you.
     
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  4. Barent

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    I think that it was wrong of you to look at the contents of his phone, without his permission. He probably never would have done anything with the contact, and was just playing around with an idea. It was wrong, but the bottom line is he didn't engage in sex with anybody and now the relationship is strained. But if you disagree with this opinion, I can understand that also. Counseling would probably be a good idea if you're unable to settle it.
     
  5. doggiestylegirluk

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    K_s88 - there are ways to view and access the content of the mobile / cell phone without needing to physically use your husband's phone.

    Some of it though could be called illegal by the liberal parties in society.

    It is, very easy to do. But you need to think of the overall consequences and messages viewing such data means.

    It might have been love previously but it seems it could be over now?

    #TeamDSG
     
  6. lbushwalker

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    I believe people who snoop deserve what they discover!
     
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  7. Confused72

    Confused72 New Member

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    Let me start by saying that I'm sorry to hear about your situation and now exactly how you're feeling. I just found out over the weekend that my husband of 13 years has been doing the same thing, soliciting men on CL for oral and he finally admitted that he had in fact met with guys on a couple of different occasions and they in fact performed oral on each other.

    We have had far from the prefect marriage and I normally know exactly what to do but I can honestly say I am completely emotionally paralyzed at this point and do not know what to do.

    I sincerely hope and recommend that you and your husband seek counseling right away and hopefully can resolve this problem before your baby arrives. I only wish I knew what to do myself....
     
  8. Jhansenontop

    Jhansenontop Member

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    Sorry to hear about that. Cheating is wrong. So is snooping.

    I work about 2500 miles away from home, my pregnant wife and daughter stay at home while I'm gone.

    I have exchanged photos and emails with girls online. Replied to Craigslist ads for fun when I'm bored and horny and a long way from home. In all honesty, my wife would probably consider that cheating. However I've always been 100% faithful. Playing online gives me an outlet that I really need. My sex drive seems to keep getting stronger and hers has not been trending that way.

    So I don't know if your husband is faithful, or if he really plans to do anything. But from my personal experience, I would really have to wonder if it is just more of a play fantasy thing for him. A lot of us guys have a real hard time not being sexual for long periods of time like that.

    You should sit down and have an honest talk with your husband. If that is something he wants, would you be ok with it? If you're present? Does he feel like he needs more attention from you? Some fun picture/video exchanges while you're traveling? I don't know, just thinking out loud. Like I said it is very difficult when sex drives change so much. My wife often doesn't have any issue not masturbating or anything for weeks while I'm gone. I can hardly go a day. I'm certainly not trying to make excuses for him but maybe it helps to hear from someone else. One thing is for sure, working away from your family all the time is a bitch.
     
  9. sensless

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    I'm so sorry for you.

    Going through his things was wrong, but so is cheating. On his pregnant wife, no less!

    You have to decide if you can live with it. I'm perhaps wrong, but I'd interprete his "regret" as being sorry he was caugh, not as being really sorry he was trying to get oral from the other man.

    Even if he never does it, that's something he desires enough to have gone after it. We all have fantasies, I suppose, but seldom do we try to transform them in reality. He was taking that step. Sexual kinks don't just disappear from our minds because we want them to.

    He admitted he wanted to meet and get oral. He had the intention of doing it, on your back, while you go through the physical and psychological roller coaster pregnancy is. Counselling can perhaps solve marital disputes, but it can't obliterate sexual urges, preferences and attitudes. If only!

    What would you do if you weren't pregnant? Should your pregnancy be held against you and keep you with the kind that of man who wants to cheat on his pregnant wife?

    Here are two different things: 1) a spouse does some online chatting with no intention of ever physically cheating, 2) a spouse seeks another online with the intention of physically cheating.

    These are two very different things.

    Can you live with it? You'll never really know if he gave up on his idea. There's no way to enter another person's mind and read his thoughts.

    Perhaps you could work your own mind and be more receptive to his desires. But can you accept it? Is it something you could learn to accept? If you can partake in his kinks, or at least be happy knowing he's doing it, but still loves you, fine, go for it. But if it disgusts you so much...

    You need to talk calmly with him to know if there's more. But can you trust anything he says?

    I don't mind my man doing anything sexual on the side. But it isn't everybody's cup of tea.

    You have some tough decisions to make. *hugs*
     
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  10. lbushwalker

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    I kind of agree with some of the sentiments stated above but also add that folks have the hardest time explaining or expressing some desire(s) especially to a spouse who is known to or expected to be judgemental.
    This sort of thing is never a one sided.
    Two lessons to be learned here;
    One, seek and Ye shall find and at your risk.
    Second, everyone has a darker or shameful to "others" side and this is a very private thing that may be shared or not and again force that out and risk the resulting consequences.
     
  11. ply

    ply
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    Have you ever considered a MMF threesome?
     
  12. lbushwalker

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    She is pregnant and disgusted don't forget, but I guess that was a tongue in cheek comment!
     
    #12 lbushwalker, Oct 13, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015
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  13. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    I don't understand why people stay with someone they don't trust.
    Even married people have a right to privacy. He has never given you a reason not to trust him yet you go thru his phone. That's pathetic.
     
  14. Candela

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    Im sorry you are going thu this,One thing comes to mind..Why is he looking???..We are only hearing 1 part of this story and how its unfolded..Are you withholding?..Do you not have reg sex..Remember,There is a reason he is looking!!!..I also think it was wrong to infringe on his rites!..I also think it was wrong for him to do what he has..No counseling in the world will help either one of you if your not willing to forgive!..No counseling will help you trust him again if you dont want too! I do hope you can work it out! Best of luuck xo
     
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  15. lbushwalker

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    There is one unforgivable act in this scenerio and another which may be if it were only an unrealised fantasy!
     
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  16. Lisaxo

    Lisaxo New Member

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    I am in a similar situation, I have been with my fiancee for 6 years, and last night he admitted soliciting oral sex from another man while I was away for the weekend. He had an actual meet-up in our house, and received oral from another man. He does NOT think it is cheating because it was with a man, not a woman. He has also said he wouldn't mind if I gave/received oral sex from someone else. I don't want an open relationship,i love my fiancee and don't want another man. I can't believe he would cheat on me. He has been married twice before, and said h3 never had bisexual interests with his other wives, only me. I am so sad and hurt. Any advice?
     
  17. Candela

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    Well it looks like there are reasons to his being married 2x before...Dont be number 3!
     
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  18. lbushwalker

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    Stick with him at your peril!
     
  19. HazHardHat

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    @Lisaxo sorry to hear of your troubles. This is just one man's opinion but its certainly not a good sign that he proceeded to the point where he invited another person into your house to have sexual relations with. That is far more than just having interest or exploring possibilities. If he wants an open relationship and you don't, there isn't too much more to say. As hard as it may be, end it now before you find yourself married to a man who doesn't have your trust and doesn't share your same values and desires.
     
  20. Lisaxo

    Lisaxo New Member

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    Thank you for your reply. My fiancee has told me numerous times that we are done, give him his ring back, and that he doesn't even want me anymore. Am I just not believing the obvious? I want to save our relationship, but it seems he has checked out already.