My husband likes male gay porn. Should I be worried??

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by onebadgirl, Feb 23, 2008.

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  1. onebadgirl

    onebadgirl New Member

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    Over the last few years I have found gay porn (male gay porn) on my husbands computer. If I look at the history, it shows he started out looking at nude women then he looks at gay porn (movies). I have asked him about it over and over, each time getting a different answer then before. Sometimes he just get mad and yells, changing the subject to something else, like what the kids have done wrong. I have even come out and said if you are gay or even bi, I will stand by you no matter what, he just looks at me and replies "no". What should I do, how should I feel about this? I just don't know what to do anymore. This is making me crazy, and I feel like I can't trust him now. Any advice? Anyone?
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    He may not have dealt with his reasonings within himself yet. For a man - in your age range - a 'few years' may not be enough time for him to understand what his sexual tendancy toward gay porn really means. AND - he may be a bit put off that you have 'spied' on him - by checking the history, etc.

    However, the way one approaches a delicate subject can make all the difference in the response. I'd suggest planning your discussion. Let it be a relaxed time between the two of you (farm the kids out for the evening). Preface it all with your unconditional understanding and non-judgment, regardless of the outcome. And throughout, bite your tongue - as you've asked him to open up, so let him. Don't feel like you have to 'answer' everything he says. Just let him talk. It might help him sort through things at the same time.

    Good luck, hun.
     
  3. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Worried...

    ...about what? Him being gay, leaving you? If you found he had been looking at race car sites or gun sites, I think it would be safe to say he likes those things. Whether or not he's gonna go join NASCAR or the Marines is another issue.

    All I can offer is, obviously, he is at least interested in homosexuality. What that portends for your relationship, gosh, you'll both have to work that out. If he starts acting on it, it puts you at risk, obviously, so, this is your business. As far as 'snooping' there is too much info out there in terms of covering ones surfing tracks. He either doesn't care that you found out or wanted you to.

    Is this affecting your marriage, his parenting? I've always been a fan of porn and it hasn't made me a worse (or better) husband or father. However, homosexuality, well, that's an issue that I have seen destroy families; guy I had known for years, his daughter and mine were very good friends, suddenly announces to the family he is gay, has a lover and must live his life. This devastated the wife and the kids and sent everyone careening off into dark times.

    Learned I have no 'gaydar', I had no clue. And I think he's incredibly selfish. he could have waited 4-5 more years and his kids would have all been adults and not had to deal with this in the context of adolescence and the pressures of middle and high school.

    So, is your hubby just looking at porn or are their problems you see as related to this?
     
  4. onebadgirl

    onebadgirl New Member

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    Yes, he is still looking at it. Every time he is away on business (about 4 or 5 times a month). He didn't want me to find it; I came home from work early and caught him masturbating to it. He then deleted the history right then and there and walked out of the room. So I looked at the media player history and could see all the movies he had played. So, he tries to cover it up but I find it. He only has sex with me a couple times a year now and seems to have a hard time keeping it up (I just thought it was some type of ed). I have tried everything to spice things up but to no avail. And its not like I’m not sexy or cute, because I am. I think that he is gay but will never come out and tell me, or anyone else in his family.
     
  5. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    Well, let's break it down here. To me, there's several big issues going on:

    1. The fact that he watches gay porn. Now, that's not shocking, outrageous, or a definite clue that he's gay. In all honesty? I don't mind watching lesbian porn, and I'm a heterosexual. The fact that he yells about it and changes the subject tells me that he's embarassed about it. It could just be his curiosity getting the better of him. However, there is a key element here that is what's upsetting, and that is...

    2. The lies. Why does he need to lie about it? Why does he feel the need to hide it? I understand that lots of people hide their porn from their significant others, but he is going to great lengths to hide this from you.

    3. The lack of sex. Has it always been this way? Was it this way when you first got married?

    I think both of you would benefit from counseling, simply because of the lies and the lack of sex. It's hurting your marriage. I think you need to have a frank and honest discussion with him about the state of your marriage, and if he refuses counseling, you might have to think long and hard about how much longer you can continue in an unhappy marriage.
     
  6. onebadgirl

    onebadgirl New Member

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    I know that your right but god do I love him. He’s my best friend. No he tried to be more into it when we first got together. As far as the Ed thing, Yes, it was like that from the beginning. Although, now I think its more he likes men and not an Ed issue at all. NO, he will not go to counseling with me. He said he didn't want me and someone else ganging up on him. (Not sure where he got that from)
     
    #6 onebadgirl, Feb 23, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2008
  7. Barbwire

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    Perhaps he should go without you. It sounds like he has some things that need to be worked through.
     
  8. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    I think some people look at pornography for non sexual reasons i.e. the shock value. It could also be curiosity, I think most people have same sex desires at some time in their life. maybe your husband realises that he'll never have the opportunity to act on it since he's married to you and just uses porn as a substitute. In fact it's probably likely he wouldn't even want to act on them.

    There doesn't neccessarily have to be a connection between his lack of sex drive and the gay porn. His poor reaction to your discovery could just be down to embarressment. In general I think the simplest answers are usually closest to the truth, there doesn't have to be a hugely complicated psychological reason to whats happening.

    The way you keep saying that you love him and call him your best friend makes me think it's all going to sort itself out, everything else is trivia.
     
  9. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    In my opinion access to different media has become more readily accessible. 5 or 10 years ago I would say it may be an indication that your husband is either bi or gay. However times are changing and access to hard to access media a few years ago like gay material is becoming easier. Since it is easier to access your husband may have a curiousity for it. What needs to be seperated is your husband becoming aroused because he is seeing a sexual scene or is he becoming aroused because his sexual preference is gay / bi sex.

    You mentioned he has an ED problem and he may find that seeing a gay scene may make him aroused. Does this mean he is gay or bi? Not necessarily as it may mean the novelty of the images may make him aroused and not the thought of having a gay / bi relationship. If the ED problem is not related to a physical problem the ED may be due to a relationship issue which would make me wonder if watching gay videos is a diversion from an underlying relationship issue.

    Finally you have not given enough information to say with more certainty if your husband is gay or not. Masturbating to a gay video does not necessarily equate to being gay / bi. Telling him that you would support if he was may be jumping to conclusions and may not help things. In my honest opinion I believe you are missing a larger underlying issue here that needs to be addressed and I would ask you to take a closer look at your relationship with him before jumping to conclusions.
     
  10. onebadgirl

    onebadgirl New Member

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    He was in his very late 20s when we got together and I’m only the second women he has been with (or so he said)... and I only said ED because he always goes soft when we are having sex (didn't know what else to think all these years, until I found the gay porn) and he wont look at me when we are doing it either. It always works better if he flips me over and doesn't look at me at all. His family has even said things like "we thought ______ was gay until he meet you". Oh, not sure but I got myself a toy due to the lack of sex in the relationship and when he found it. He said and I quote “only a slut would have one”. Only for me to come home from work early on a day he was off and found my dresser open where I keep it and it was wet, he was in the shower (and that’s not the only time with that either). Still think I'm jumping to conclusions? I thought by tell him I would be there no mater what was the right thing to say at the time.
     
  11. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    It's very important that you understand that none of us are professionals. all we can do is give our opinions - maybe a little free advice.

    It's quite possible that your hubby has been dealing with this for longer than you might know. For whatever reason, he chose to try to live a more 'socially acceptable' lifestyle: fall in love, get married, have a family, etc. I agree with CowboyLover - he really needs to be in counseling - ALONE. Hubby is right - he doesn't need to feel like people are ganging up on him. He needs to know that it's OKAY to allow his inner self to be set free.

    I have no doubt you both love each other - and are indeed the best of friends. That will never change - but he's in so much turmoil - and knowing that YOU know (when he's not ready for that) has put him against a wall.

    I have no good ideas on how to get him to counseling - but I'm certain that it's imperative! Perhaps you could speak to some counselors and get their recommendations.
     
  12. cbrmale

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    Onebadgirl,
    I can offer a possibly different slant to think about. Beyond the gay porn, you have a problem as a couple. Gay tendancies may or may not be part of the problem, but you have a problem nonetheless. You only have sex a couple of times a year, he's suffering from untreated physical or psychological ED, as a couple you're unable to talk through these issues.

    Typically with men in a no-sex situation we offer advice about romancing your woman. As a man, I don't know what the converse is. I love my wife, and I can't wait until the next time we make love. When we make love, it makes our love stronger, I love her even more. And the more I love her, the more I want to have sex with her. And the more we have sex, the more I love her and the more loved she feels. I think this is the way men are, love = sex and sex = love.

    Clearly you need professional help, either together or him or you. If you can't as a couple and he won't by himself, the third (but still helpful) option is for you to see a psychologist about you and your relationship. Clinical psychologists listen and then offer things for you to think about. Advice too, maybe ways for you to deal with unresolved issues at home.

    Clearly as a couple is best, but YOU on your own can achieve a lot.
     
  13. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    I pretty much agree with the responses Ive read to your question and counseling is a good start for you or hopefully both of you.
    But your question was , should I be worried....well....no pro here either but from your side of it , hell yes Id be worried....some of the things you write that he has and does,
    the erectile probs but seems to have no probs when gay vids are playing......turns you over or doesnt look at you when having sex....sex only a few times a yr.....called you out as being a slut because of your toy....major defense mechanism ,cuz he has his toy, the porn....best defense is be on the offense..............and the most frightening thing to me is that HIS own family thought he is gay.....this from people who have known him all his life! In my opinion, it sounds to me like hes gay.....alot of the forum people here may not like me stating that....but if it looks like a duck,walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....its generally a duck..
    In my opinion, theres just a few too many signs to believe hes gay...I hope for your sake he opens up and tells you one way or the other...for you I hope Im wrong....wont be the first time, but thats just my 2 cents and opinion.....Best of luck and keep us informed...
     
  14. Sexi_Kitten08

    Sexi_Kitten08 New Member

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    When I was younger, My bestfriend's dad always looked at gay porn on the family's computer. All of which She, and her Mother saw later on.

    They delelted all of it from history, and her mom always asked him what that was about. He never gave a straight answer. I don't have any advice, for they later divorced and he moved to Arizona!
     
  15. indagroove

    indagroove New Member

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    The reason he has to lie, is because of your condemnation. Yes he is embarrased. He is looking at everything. I have look at gay porn, but that does not mean I want an alternate lifestyle. Yes, I am a freak, and I let me wife strap on one and give it to me. I sometimes fantisize about sucking a dick, but it is a fantasy. I love my wife very much and I would not cheat on her with a male or female.

    My wife is also a freak. She has had same-sex encounters back in the day. As she puts it, everyone loves pussy..

    There is curiosity in most of us. We look, it doesn't mean we want. Sometimes it's like looking at a car wreck. Sometimes when looking at porn, it starts with women, then up pops some gay stuff, then the midgets, then the animals., etc, etc. Back in the day you went and picked up a magazine, and it was usually just straight porn. Now we are just one click away from total deviate. Is he still there for you? Are you there for him?

    What I do know, is your condemnation will probably drive him underground even more. Do you have a problem with porn in general? Is your sex life healthy (active). Sometimes us guys just like to be freaky, it doesn't mean we want an Adam & Steve relationship.

    I guess what I really want to say is be careful in trying to fix someone that might not really be broke. Only you know all that is up in your relationship, you are only sharing this one aspect.
     
  16. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Indagroove, I respect you and you and your wifes freakishness, and the fun you have...but you didnt catch everything the lady stated ...her and her husband have sex only a few times a year and generally he doesnt even stay hard....or even look at her...and he admonished his wife when she purchased a toy for herself..that doesnt sound to me like the healthy lifestyle you and your wife have. And as for pushing him further underground, sounds more to me he needs to come outta the closet.
     
  17. slamd097

    slamd097 New Member

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    I agree...definitely need to talk to someone that has a degree in this.
     
  18. Beornmod

    Beornmod New Member

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    To me it almost seems you've made up your mind that he is gay, and are frustrated that he won't admit it. Stay open minded, go to a marriage counselor yourself. You can't make him go, but you can learn from the experience, and maybe once he realizes you're going to fight for your marriage he'll join you.
     
  19. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Does he still like you?
     
  20. navyman1988

    navyman1988 Member

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    Nope... unless he starts acting on it then you should be worried
     
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