My girlfriends' slutty past - need male/female opinions

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by thewiltern2008, Apr 6, 2013.

  1. thewiltern2008

    thewiltern2008 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hello all. I am new to the site and glad to be here. I have been with my gf for 2 years now but for some damn reason I can't stop thinking about a few slutty things she did in her past. It really occupies my thoughts quite a bit. One day we were having a discussion about our sexual pasts, ex's, etc. She told me a story about how her and her girlfriends met a group of guys at a club and fucked them later that night. My gf told me she fucked one of the guys and that she had a great time doing it and that she has no regrets about doing it. She said she also gave him a blowjob(which seems really personal to me).

    They had no contact after that, it was just a one time thing. Something about this event really, really, really bothers me. I cannot pinpoint why it bothers me soooo much. But it just seems like a really slutty thing to do - to fuck/suck a complete stranger. By doing this, does this show she has no self control? That she could easily do it again? I have always had the image of women who fuck that quickly as being slutty based on how I grew up, etc. I know alot of guys who have NO respect for women who give it up this easily. I'm looking for some real, sincere feedback on this and not the usual "just get over it" or "if it bothers you, leave her" etc. I love this girl and want to be with her and have a healthy relationship free of judgments. Please help!

    Thank you
     
  2. MordsithLove

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2012
    Messages:
    1,285
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello, welcome to SF :)

    Now...it's obvious you care about her. But her past cannot be changed, she has no regrets and what matters most is today...she's with you, and the two of you have a healthy relationship. So what's the issue?

    Do you trust her? And most of all, does her past absolutely matters as of now? You still love and respect her right?

    I'd say just let it go, if she had taken the time to be respectful of herself and took things slow with you and the relationship you share...then there's no need to worry. Some bothersome things can be hard to get by, but you've got to see her positives. If she has not given you any reason to doubt, then why fuss?

    Also, have you opened up to her how you feel about this? Communicate with her, be civil a out it. Dropping the slutty call will hurt in some way. She had a one night stand experience and enjoyed it.

    IMO a "slutty" demeanor to me would be one who has had many and multiple one night stands, unprotected and no respect for themselves or their partner. Also "slut" is not a word of choice in my vocabulary ;)

    Hope this helps, and by all means I am being sincere and friendly in my tone :D
     
    ply and Clintriprock like this.
  3. thewiltern2008

    thewiltern2008 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thank you Mordsithlove, it is appreciated. I think I have lost respect for her knowing that she could so easily fuck someone like that. That wasn't her first one night, just the nastiest one that is on my mind, the other two were during her college years. Again, I'm trying to pinpoint why this bothers me so much. Maybe I see her as flawed and/or easy? I have no clue. What makes a woman give up her body that easily? Could she have been that attracted to this guy that she had to drop her panties for him?
     
  4. GBBlondie

    GBBlondie New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Why don't you do HER a favor and let her go? Clearly, she doesn't deserve to have to put up with someone who's going to be as judgmental as you are. Personally, I think you're lying and just here to troll (I can tell based on the way you're writing about it), but on the off chance you're being serious, I am being serious - let her go so she can hook up with someone who's not as freaked out about her sexual past. That may not be what you want to hear, but that's the best thing for her (and apparently for you as well).
     
  5. thewiltern2008

    thewiltern2008 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    GBBlondie - I am not lying!!!! I am VERY real about this!!!! I love this girl but happen to have this hang up about her that I'm trying to get help for. Why are you bashing me????
     
  6. MordsithLove

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2012
    Messages:
    1,285
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, I'm gonna be honest. If I were single and enormously attracted to a man of my liking, I would consider a one nighter if it felt right. Would I do it again if another came along? Maybe! But it doesn't make me a slut in the least bit...and also, I'd probably give oral before having sex...

    Seems like you have a harsh ego as far as women are concerned, you've got to realize women have needs, it hard enough that we are expect to fit in a mold some men expect out of us.

    Granted, there are very promiscuous women out there. That's their prerogative.

    You need to talk to her, and don't classify her as this "dirty naughty girl". If this really bothers you then you need to counsel it if you plan to make this relationship work. As for finding why you feel this way, you need to drop the old school class of the thought in women in general. This is a new age in day, and there's much more things to worry about in ones sexual history.

    Take it easy hun, we are here to help. You asked, and we replied.
     
    ply likes this.
  7. thewiltern2008

    thewiltern2008 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thank you very much Mordsithlove!
     
  8. MordsithLove

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2012
    Messages:
    1,285
    Likes Received:
    172
    Gender:
    Female
    Oh and FYI, don't take everyone's post too personal. You're new here, we have our gaurds up and don't take shenanigans lightly.

    Good Luck to you.
     
  9. thewiltern2008

    thewiltern2008 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thank you again MordsithLove, but I really am here for help/guidance and don't appreciate people ripping on me....
     
  10. GBBlondie

    GBBlondie New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    How many one-night stands have you had, or how many women have you been with, Wilty?
     
  11. Trond

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    387
    Gender:
    Male
    I'm guessing that what you are trying to pinpoint is simply that you are more conservative (at least relationship-wise) than she is. Maybe that is a deal breaker, but talk it over and see where it goes. Being a little "slutty" doesn't make her bad or untrustworthy. (Well not the way I use the word anyway)
     
  12. GBBlondie

    GBBlondie New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    What's interesting is that he says he's been with her for two years, and this " really, really, really bothers" him. If that's true, there's no solution to this other than for them to split up. If it's bothered him for that long (and I have my doubts about the veracity of the entire story, TBH), then he's not going to get over it, and at some point he's going to throw it back in her face.

    For me, with the first hint that someone I'm with has a problem with my sexual history (and it is quite extensive), they're gone.I just don't have the time to deal with that kind of insecurity/jealousy or drama.
     
  13. Meee

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2010
    Messages:
    2,198
    Likes Received:
    3,094
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Potomac, Maryland
    Welcome to the forums.

    What I'm hearing is worry and a question about trust. In fact, it's the only actual question that you ask in your whole post:

    You also talk about impressions and how you were raised. You talk about disrespect and judgments. This is the inner you talking. It doesn't reflect on her, but it reflects your feelings based on judgments you apparently heard as you were raised. That isn't her problem; the label of "slut" comes from you, not from some objective truth about her. She did what she did, but what she did doesn't come with its own label. People assign labels. I, for example, would say she was a little adventurous in her past, not slutty. This labeling is indeed something you have to "get over," though I won't say "just get over it." It takes time and discussion to get over the way we were raised.

    And one other possibility: jealousy. She had adventures you didn't have. She had events in her life that you'll never share.

    So you see, I've been doing my own labeling in this post: worry, judgmentalism, jealousy. Think about how these labels apply to your feelings in this situation. Good luck.
     
  14. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    6,960
    Likes Received:
    5,071
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    'Stralia Mate!
    The OP has evident personal issues so I totally agree with Meee, but then when do I not?
    He has to come to terms that females have just as much right to experiment with sex and other folks as do their male counterparts.
    In this age it is entirely normal for a group of young hunting females to prey on males and take the prize when it seems worthwhile.
    It is just as right for one sex to sow their wild oats as it does to the other so to the OP be real and enlightened ok?
    As for oral sex again in this era it is seen as below vaginal sex in terms of sexual favour.
    In some surveys it has been found that young ladies who still consider themselves virgins yet when more closely questioned readily admit to having performed fellatio but do not regard this as sex per se as it did not involve their vagina.
    The girl mentioned in this case has been forthright in revealing her past, is not ashamed of it in any way and shared the fond memory of that exciting time. In my book that makes the OP a very lucky dude indeed!
     
  15. Cappy_Dick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2011
    Messages:
    2,288
    Likes Received:
    2,647
    Gender:
    Male
    Dude, you are so full of shit that it's really pathetic. The "I can't respect you because you did it right away" is the oldest trick in the book for a guy to get rid of a gal that he only wanted a one night stand with and want to get rid of her. Yea, a guy that says this doesn't seem to have any respect issues while he's doing her. Because in fact, if he couldn't respect a gal for having sex with him, the sex would have never happened.

    On the offside chance that you actually are real, unlike GB and myself suspect, then you seriously need professional help. You have deep seeded issues. If you are too stubborn to admit you need professional help and get it, then do this gal and yourself a favor and leave her, because if this is still a problem after fucking her for two years, you don't deserve her. In my opinion, you are worse than the guy who uses the "I can't respect you" line the next morning, as I'm sure you still have no problem fucking her, despite this.

    I'm not saying that things in a partner's past shouldn't sting a little sometimes, because they do. But at the end of the day, a mature and sensible person realizes that their partner did have a life before they met. They accept it and get over it. It makes me sick that there are still people who think a male with a past is a stud, but it makes a woman "easy" and/or a whore. If you can't get past your archaic concepts, then either get help, or get out. She's not the problem... You Are.

    xx
     
    #15 Cappy_Dick, Apr 7, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2013
  16. sandwich

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2012
    Messages:
    2,607
    Likes Received:
    2,392
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi. This is a very interesting situation.

    I have a question....did you know about her past before you started having sex? If so then maybe there is something to be examined about your motives in the relationship. That is not for me to judge, but I brought it up in case that was something that you would benefit from examining yourself.

    It is not significant to me that we exist in modern times and that attitudes towards promiscuity have changed. Who cares?! Her past seems to matter to you, and you alluded to your upbringing, so if being you involves avoiding women who have been promiscuous then that is your choice. But...it would be a problem if you have an issue with her past if you have behaved similarly. So...have you been involved in one nighters? If so, then why is it okay for you but not for her?

    If not then ask yourself this...Have you done anything, sexual or otherwise, that you consider to be "wrong"? So yeah...you are not perfect either.

    You say you love her, and I say love and forgiveness cannot exist apart. True love seeks what is best for the other, and if you truly love her as you would want to be loved, then forgiving her past should be a no brainer. No offense...but you seem to be focusing more on what's "wrong" with her than what's "wrong" with you. Another no brainer is that you can only change and control yourself.

    So...it seems you have some choices here. First, if it is important to you to be with someone who has been more chaste, continuing to be with her sexually is masquerading as love. Let's call it what it really is... a very selfish behavior called "using her". So you can continue to use her or break up.

    You can choose to forgive. Would you want to be treated with love and forgiveness if you were in her shoes? Well then, remember she is a valuable human being, and her value is intrinsic and not determined by her behavior. If you stay together without forgiving her past it will damage your relationship, and more importantly, it will damage this person who you say you love. Commitment to her involves a type of love (there are several) that involves decision and action and not fluffy "I love you" feelings.

    All I am saying is get real with yourself. I had to do the same thing before I started dating my bf because he was very promiscuous for approximately eight years before we started dating. I was less concerned about what he did in the past than what he would do in the future. Was he going to be able to turn that behavior off? I assume you would have told us if she was cheating on you, so she has proven herself in this area, hasn't she?
     
  17. sandwich

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2012
    Messages:
    2,607
    Likes Received:
    2,392
    Gender:
    Female
    I meant to ask you...is your profile name a reference to the Wiltern Theatre in LA? I've always wanted to go to a concert there.
     
  18. almostthere

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2011
    Messages:
    722
    Likes Received:
    233
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    southeast
    I think it boils down to the ol saying. Guys want a "lady" on the outside and a whore in bed. She was honest with you,which sayd alot. If she would have nevertold you her past or toned it down youd be fine right now. Me? I dont want to know with who or how my girl acted before me and she sure as hell dosent want to know the whore i was before her
     
  19. puddlejumper2

    puddlejumper2 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    My wife of thirty some odd years shared her past experiences with me when our relationship got serious. She had many, many sexual partners. I was glad she told me as it exhibited trust and confidence in my feelings for her. I can also say that I'm glad she had those experiences. By the time she ran into me, she had a pretty damn good idea what she needed in a guy and apparently, I fit the bill. Also, along with picking up some very appreciated skills and techniques, she also brought an attitude of fun and a williingness to experiment. I get off on the idea that, despite having lots of partners to choose from, she chose me. Just because a woman enjoyed casual sex just for the hot fun it was, doesn't mean that she's indiscriminate, it means she's human. I'd say you should be glad you have a woman who trusts you to respect her for who she is WITH YOU and enjoy the fact that she isn't turned off to sex.
     
    ply likes this.
  20. GBBlondie

    GBBlondie New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    I *love* your response to this - all of it. I think this is the most level-headed (and therefore, appropriate) response to the situation, and represents what I like to refer to as "modern day thinking."

    In my mind, anyone who's got issues or hangups with someone's sexual past (even if the other person was a prostitute, porn star, or just outright promiscuous) has some serious insecurity and jealousy issues, and is therefore not good relationship material (at least, not for the long term).