My girlfriend wants a threesome

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by KarmaAmputee, Aug 6, 2012.

  1. KarmaAmputee

    KarmaAmputee New Member

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    Hello everyone,

    I'm very new to this forum. I usually ask advice of friends and family but in this case I am a bit sensative about it.

    So here is my plight. My girlfriend is identified as queer. I am her first, serious male partner and we have been together for just about two years. I knew she was queer getting into this relationship but before I thought of queer for being another word for bisexual. Anyways I'm digressing. We have talked about it and she says that it's not that she feels she needs more but she has those desires still, for women. Before I go shy further, in my last relationship my ex and I were in a threesome. A MFM threesome and it was the main contributor to us parting ways.

    So, you can see my concern here. I guess what I'm really trying to do here is see if anyone is in the sand position or has had the same or similar experiences.

    We are very much in love and I feel we could get through just about anything together. I have a real fear of these three things and they are the three main things giving me pause to this situation. First, she realizes that she in fact prefers women over men, or myself in particular. Second, I canot handle the experience sexually. Maybe that's just an insecurity. And, third my girlfriend and the other girl gain feelings for one another and I'm left in the dust.

    Can anyone offer up any advice to help me?
     
  2. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

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    KA, you are in a unique situation that many guys here would happily trade for their left ball to be in.
    Ok, that was a rather flippant statement but one made not without a bit of envy of you.
    As I sense it you are more into this woman that you think she is into you and therefore very cautious of possible outcomes which is quite understandable but consider your true options.
    Do not allow the mooted session and thereafter forever remaining on the defensive wondering if or when.....?
    Or else join in and really get to understand your partner, her needs, desire and ultimately help her make life choices.
    As an outsider (and forgetting the envy thing) it is a no brainer; suggest suck it and see where it leads because in the end if you are to lose her then you would have anyway whichever way it goes...eventually, so this way will save you prolonged pain at worst.
     
    #2 lbushwalker, Aug 8, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2012
  3. KarmaAmputee

    KarmaAmputee New Member

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    Thanks for the input, bush.

    I should probably make this clear as well. We've talked many times about how we want to remain long term. The main reason if was me filmed was because of that fact. We are amazing together. A great team and there is so much trust and respect there.

    She mentioned it to me the first time because she wanted something long term with me and she could see herself maybe in the future having those desires. I understand that most men would jump at this chance. If I was an outsider doing this with two women unfamiliar to me or whom I'm not close to me I would not think twice. It's the fact that it's a relationship that makes me pause. Her happiness is very important to me and I don't want to deny her anything if it's within my power. As she feels towards me. The fear of losing someone you care about can make you make rash or rushed choices. That is the last thing I want to do in this case.
     
  4. 12barblues

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    I agree with you about taking your time and not making any rash decisions. And I think bush and I are thinking along the same lines as well, in that if you're worried that a sexual encounter with another person can end your emotional relationship, then maybe that relationship isn't as strong as you think? I have a similar situation with my gf...she's extremely sexual with both men and women. But I have told her many times, if she wants to be with someone,that's fine. I'm a fairly confident guy inside the bedroom but even more confident that im the right guy for her outside the bedroom and inside her heart. And if someone can do something to her sexually, that makes her want to leave me for that person? .....then my relationship with her isn't worth shit.
    Having said all that, you also have to be true to yourself, and if you're not comfortable with something in your relationship, she can't really expect you to do it. But there is almost always a middle ground that can be found....and if you're good communicators you'll find it....
     
  5. a_high_bitch

    a_high_bitch New Member

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    Kay, 1? Don't say queer. Its a derogatory word. No one particularly likes it. Say "bi-sexual" or "gay". Queer is NOT ok.

    Okay. So now that is out of the way. You should just explain the situation to her. I'm sure she would understand. Threeways can always be an awkward situation. And its true, may drive people apart. but you need to take into account what she wants to. If she has her heart set on it, I think you should give it a chance. But thats just my opinion.
     
  6. Polly

    Polly Member

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    I think you two need to google (and youtube) the term "polyamory" since it seems as if you're talking about getting a third person involved in your actual relationship, not just sexually but emotionally too? There are many people living like that in the world and successfully too. But I'm guessing that sort of set-up would need a lot of communication, trust and respect - probably not for everyone. But definitely something you could consider.
     
  7. KarmaAmputee

    KarmaAmputee New Member

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    @a_high_bitch. Firstly, derogatory terms can be very subjective, secondly she identifies as queer since she was 10 or 12 she has used that term and it is accepted in the LBGT community where we are. If you took offense to it I apologize, but when I said she identifies as that it means she refers to herself using that term. As do the many male and female gay people I know and have known.

    This is also not going to evd in a polyamorous relationship. That's. It my thing and if it was proposed I would probably ask her to choose which person she wants to be with. We have talked more about it and my comfort level with it has gone up. Not to say I am sold on it, but only time will tell.
     
  8. Texas_Red

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    Queer in and of itself is not derogatory. Many people identify as "gender queer" (a long time friend of mine recently revealed that s/he is TG, and identifies as such) as well as other uses of the word. Faggot is far more derogatory a word, and even that word can be used lightly without offense. It's all in the context.

    Also, you really don't have any place to be telling people what they can or cannot do or say. If you are offended, you can make that known, but nobody here besides the mods or Rob are in a position of authority to tell people what is what.
     
  9. lbushwalker

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    Queer or gay are just words to describe certain preferences but the very same words can have incredibly different meaning/connotations in different environments or locality.
    No one on here is right or wrong but just see things from their own perspective.
    No need for bum fights just a certain amount of tolerance in knowing we are all different and live in all corners of the world :)
     
  10. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    Likely threesomes with other women are going to be an issue in your future since she is gueer..gay...bi (didn't want to offend anyone). If your relationship is strong....no problems.....if your relationship isn't.....better to find out now, than 10yrs from now.
     
  11. Victus

    Victus New Member

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    I'd have to say, well put BitchN. That right there was solid.
     
  12. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    ^ Thank you Victus :):):)
     
  13. KarmaAmputee

    KarmaAmputee New Member

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    Well I do consider our relationship strong and solid. We are best friends just as much as we are lovers and that's something that makes me think that we could be successful with this.

    I was talking to a friend last night about this and she told me that it's all about stretching your own limits. If you feel you are not ready then wait until your limits are stretched and go from there. There is no time like or schedule for something like this.
     
  14. all_american_hippy

    all_american_hippy New Member

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    I would I agree with your friend. I would also say that you should give it to her, but its also your decision as well, because you are participating as well. Do it when YOU are ready. I'm SURE she will understand. :)
     
  15. KarmaAmputee

    KarmaAmputee New Member

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    Yeah one thing I'd like to do us just give it to her because I want her to be happy. Most people can be jealous of my situation and tell me I'd be crazy not to. But everyone has their comfort level. I may be cool with it or I might decide it's not for me altogether.

    It's something I've never experienced so I guess I won't know until I try. But there are some things in life that you just know might be a bad idea. I guess time may tell.