My girlfriend is amazing but...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Bimmerboy, Mar 29, 2007.

  1. Bimmerboy

    Bimmerboy New Member

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    Alright, here's the deal. My girlfriend and I are both 18...we've been dating for 3 months or so. I know that's not a huge amount of time, but there's something about that girl that I can't really explain. Before dating, we'd known each other but never talked, and coincidentally both were attracted to each other. Hit things off really well, we've got tons of stuff in common (both like BMW's :D ) and really understand each other.

    On to the issue. We're both virgins, and sex isn't really on the table as of yet. About a month ago we were just hanging out, watching some TV, started getting into it, and as I unzipped she stopped, really abrupt. She told me later that past boyfriends had pushed her too far sexually, and it brought back a memory and so she stopped. I told her that it wasn't a problem, and we can take our time, and everything was ok.

    Then, last weekend, same thing, and she jumps on top, and it seemed right, so I started fingering her. It went really well, and I talked to her afterwards and she said that it was totally cool. I said that for next time communication would be good so she could let me know how I'm doing, and what she likes, etc. To my amazement she said she didn't really know what she liked! She said that I was the first guy to finger her without hurting her, and as a result was kind of scared to do it to herself. I dunno, its just an odd situation all around. I guess I'm just looking for some advise about what to do. I think she understands and trusts me enough and knows I'd never hurt her. She's open to doing it again, and said she looks forward to it. I don't have a pussy, haha, so I'm not supposed to be the expert in that dept. Just some general advice would be cool, that's all.

    Thanks
     
  2. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    mmmmm I wonder...... This is probably a long shot and not something I really want to bring up but I had a very close friend (she is no longer with us) for a long time and she openly admitted to me (I was the only person outside her family that knew) that she was abused by an uncle when she was 4 years old, and it was a memory that stayed with her til the day she died but her reaction to sex was very similar to what you describe, so I'm just wondering if there is possibly a history of some form of abuse?

    If this is the case, the only thing you can do is definitely work at her pace and do not try and force the issue. This should be a given with all women regardless, but work with her and it sounds like she is willing to allow herself to get comfortable with you, if you do care about her then enjoy each step one at a time.

    If you're only in it to get your end wet, then may I suggest you look elsewhere for that desire??
     
  3. Bimmerboy

    Bimmerboy New Member

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    I've thought of that before. A lot after the unzipping incident, but this more recent time she told me face to face, and it was a lot for sincere. I still wonder though...


    No, I'm not in it just to get my end wet. I know she's willing to work at it, and while it's a slight bit annoying, I am enjoying it, and she's definitely worth it.
     
  4. Dreama

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    I think you are doing well. Being compassionate and understanding is the key to this. Just take it slow, and when she's totally comfortable with sexual contact, she'll let you know. Communication is also a great thing to utilize.
     
  5. NaughtyKnickers

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    Unfortunately, pressure can be a total mood killer for us babes. :ugh
    The very fact that she knows you want it puts a certain amount of pressure on her, which is certainly no fault of yours(!), however something you have to be sensitive about.
    You seem a caring and understanding guy, just continue with your patience. You're obviously smart enough to realize you're better off taking it slow than getting hasty and causing problems.
    I feel for you, you're in a challenging position, but if she's an understanding person herself, she'll appreciate you for your efforts and restraint. :) :tup

    Best of luck! Keep us posted. :)
     
  6. Bimmerboy

    Bimmerboy New Member

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    Thanks for the encouragement :)

    I sure will keep y'all posted
     
  7. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    Hi NK, can be a mood killer for guys too, too much pressure and nothing works hahaha.......
     
  8. NaughtyKnickers

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    Good point, Martin! We see that all over the forum, too. :ugh

    PRESSURE: THE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BUZZKILL. :lol

    ;)
     
  9. heelfetish

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    Your post rings so many familiar bells. :( My ex and I went through very similar issues. She had been sexually assaulted by her previous boyfriend before she met me. This led to a very hot/cold relationship, as soon as we'd reach any real intimacy and she'd cower back into her shell. She would not let me go down on her (ever), she would not go down on me (she tried once and broke down crying). The first several times we tried to have sex it would start well, and always end up with her crying and shaking uncontrollably. :(

    It's hard to write this without sounding like an insensitive jerk. Please bear in mind that we had an otherwise healthy relationship, and while we started dating at 16, we were together for 4.5 years, and in that time, only even attempted to have sex less than a dozen times. Often those attempts were 6+ months apart. She asked that I not apply any pressure, so that's what I did. I loved her dearly.

    In the 4.5 years, we never actually had successful sex with full penetration. Lots of kisses and snuggles, and lame attempts, but a complete lack of foreplay and 2 awkward teens, coupled with her emotional trauma made it impossible.

    Sadly (for me at least), coming on the end of the relationship she started to get over it. However by this time I was still not applying any pressure, and she was self-described as 'old fashioned' and refused to make any advances. So when a co-worker expressed interest in her sexually, she jumped in his lap (literally). She cheated on me several times with him, then moved in with him while I was away on vacation. When I got back she gave me the news, and I was devastated.

    A couple months later she realized her mistake, and tried to win me back. That ended abruptly, however, when she realized she was carrying his child. She left me cold once again to raise his kid. I don't really know what happened after that. I do know he cheated on her, and a few years ago she gave birth to twins. I have no idea if they're from the same father or not.

    Anyways, sorry to stray so far off topic. I guess my point is that some of us have been in a similar situation. I just hope it works out better for you two than it did for us. Hang in there.
     
  10. Bimmerboy

    Bimmerboy New Member

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    Hey thanks Heel. It is really a very similar situation, so we'll see how it goes. I love the girl so much, and I just hope things will work out.
     
  11. Bimmerboy

    Bimmerboy New Member

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    In addition, her mom is a total bitch to her. She's heard nothing but insults out of that woman's mouth since she was very little. "You're so fat" this and that, it's really sad. And it's ironic because she's beautiful. 5' 7" and 125. As a result she gets really self conscious, and thinks shes fat, and feels the need to lose weight, when in reality, she doesn't.

    I dunno if this is a common thing for you women, but sometimes she has these 'fat mood swings' where one day she acts completely normal about herself, and then the next day she's all paranoid about her looks, thinks she's fat, freaks if I try and touch her stomach or something like that. It really sucks sometimes because it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm trying to help her see how beautiful she really is, but its hard...

    I dunno, sorry for the bitch-fest, guys, I just get frustrated sometimes...
     
  12. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    Blimmerboy

    For a young guy of 18 years old, I am massively impressed at the mature outlook you display on your current situation.

    The post from heelfetish also impressed me as it was a brave posting to make from what must have been a dreadful experience. And heelfetish to experience cheating after 4+ years of working hard and genuinely on the lack of sex issues, to find out that she had cheated must have been totally soul destroying. I thing that would kill me.

    Thank you heelfetish for sharing that with us. You are a strong person.

    Now, my advice to you Blimmerboy would be to hang on in there and keep up what you are doing.

    It could well be that your current girlfriend is simply needing confidence within herself.

    It could well be that she has only had previous boyfriends that have been shite hawks interested in only a quick shag and with little consideration to go with that or anything else.

    Keep it positive and keep the talking going to get inside each others minds.

    3 months is not a lot of time.

    If you have the same predicament after 12 months, it might require a different approach.

    I hope you both fully connect together in the near fututure.

    Good luck.
     
  13. Aubrey1972

    Aubrey1972 New Member

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    Bimmerboy and Heel.....wow you both are class acts in my book. I agree with Brad, Heel that would have seriously devistated me. You are a strong man and I am sure you grew alot through that situation. Thanks for sharing that story. Bimmerboy you do sound wiser than your 18 years. Like Brad said give her time. Show her how loving and caring you can be! I hope it all works out for both of you.
     
  14. Bimmerboy

    Bimmerboy New Member

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    I'd also like to thank Heel for sharing his story. You're braver than me, I couldn't have put that up.

    And thanks everyone else for the support! I like to think of myself as more mature than your typical 18 year old, and your compliments are greatly appreciated.

    Yes, I think she just has a severe lack of self confidence on top of the whole 'past boyfriends pushing her too far sexually' thing. Any ideas as to something I can do to help her with this? It's not only me telling her she's beautiful, and such. She said she's been hearing it for awhile, but just can't seem to see herself the way others do. Not only is this frustrating because she truly is beautiful and amazing, but it's also frustrating to have all your compliments thrown back at you. I'll give it time, and hopefully things will start to come about... :eyes
     
  15. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    My last relationship was with a girl who had a serious lack of self-confidence and a history of depression. I was entirely clueless about how to approach any of this. One thing I've realised since breaking up with her was that me telling her each day how beautiful she was grated with her like finger nails on a chalk board. She never saw it or believed it and couldn't understand that I was only telling her that cos it's how I felt.

    I think I've realised that complimenting a woman's looks can be viewed as superficial. This is because it can be seen as not a compliment to her but a way for you to gain something like a kiss or a root (this is a headfuck I know).

    What you may be able to try is genuine rare compliments. By this I mean not giving them out willy-nilly, but occasionally come out with something that has a bit more thought behind it.

    If she is particularly creative or into art or has a hobby or has something that she really enjoys doing and does well try complimenting her on those things as she will probably take more notice. Each woman has her own special thing, you just need to take notice of what it is that she does and enjoys, and then tell her how wonderful you think it is.

    I know each situation is different but maybe try something like this??
     
  16. Bimmerboy

    Bimmerboy New Member

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    Makes perfect sense to me...the way she reacted sounds exactly like what mine does. I'll try your suggestions...can't hurt!