My GF, her past, and my imagination

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by rproctor, Apr 9, 2008.

  1. rproctor

    rproctor New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    So... I am a bit confused about my gf... Really more scared than anything... Scared that I will loose her, or loose myself over her! My problem is pretty strait forward, though the solution I'm not sure is...

    When me and my gf first started dating we exchanged numbers, and I dont mean phone numbers, but numbers of sexual partners. I wont give the actual number, but... Her number was twice what mine was... Red Flag... Then, I found out that all of her partners were within a couple years... Probably about 4 years... Another red flag... I also found out that she had cheated on one of her BF's... Yet another red flag... And she did not give me full details, thank god, but I did get the gist that she was doing drugs and going to raves, parties, etc and, to my own assumption, randomly fucking people both men and women, and involved in group sex... Final red flag... Im not a sexual conservative but... I do believe that sex is somewhat more intimate than that.

    At this time with her it did not bother me too much because we were just dating each other, and honestly my intentions with her were not long term. I bet you can guess though, the longer we dated the more serious it became, and the more I keep thinking about this... The more it eats away at me... The more it bothers me... I told my friend about this the other day and he strait up called her a slut... I got kinda mad at him... But at the same time he may be kinda right.

    I love my gf... And I bet some of you are laughing at me now... But I really do... In fact, we moved in together last week... Big step... Especially with this floating over my head... I have talked to her about this before, and she assures me that it was just that time in her life, and that she is over that now and moved on... I trust her... And I really doubt she would cheat on me... But just knowing... Knowing that all those other people used her like that, and that she would let people use her like that... It defeats me... It makes my stomach turn...

    So, I guess this isnt really a question about what do you think about my gf... Because really the only person who knows her is me... I guess my question is... What can I do to forget... What can I do to get over this... I cant keep talking about this with her because it upsets her... And we get no where with this conversation... If any of you have ever watched the move Chasing Amy... I swear I feel as though I am right in the same boat... Though my gf did not lie to me about her x partners... There has got to be something I can do to get over this... Everything else with her is... So... Perfect! I can't even explain how much I feel for her.

    Thanks for anyone who helps me
     
  2. Steel

    Steel Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2007
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Da'Burgh
    You could start by sit down with her and tell her how you feel and what your concerns are…. You could go to counseling either by yourself or with her. Sounds like part of the issue is some insecurity you have about yourself. I would be lax if I didn’t ask weather you both have been tested for STD’s.

    I will bet if you ask everyone here that’s in their 30’s and 40’s do they feel that they are the same person they were when they were 20, they would most likely say no. We all learn from mistakes, and everyone makes them. Don’t be so hard on the girl, or yourself.
     
  3. DavesNotHere

    DavesNotHere New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2006
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    South of North
    First, welcome to the board. You're bound to get a lot of different advice on the board about your situation, so you'll need to find the advice that most fits your situation and midset.

    After my divorce about a year ago, I started dating a girl that I had known strictly over the internet for 6 years. One thing became another, and she moved 100 miles to be near me, and we've now been seriously dating for many months. About a month after we started dating, we also exchanged numbers ... she'd always hinted around about being with a handful of guys, but I finally just wanted to know what the number was, and found out that she'd been with four times the amount of women I had. Keep in mind that even though my number was low, that was still a shock for me to hear.

    Honestly, I took me a long time to get over it. I was very jealous that all of these guys had the chance to pleasure her before I did (albeit, most of the guys were just in it to pleasure themselves), but I also understood that it was her past, and she sincerely would not slept with most of those guys if she had the chance to do things over again. Another thing that was different for me is the fact that she's 9 years younger, and there's a difference in how the generation younger than me views casual sex (she's the same age as you are ;))

    It sounds like y'all have been together a while, and you've had plenty of time to let time "heal your wounds," but, alas, it hasn't. I would suggest that you force yourself to accept that her past is just that - her past. I'm sure she probably has some regrets, but don't hound her about it. Be open in your dialogue with her, but eventually learn that bringing it up over and over again will only make your scars deeper than they already are. Focus on your future, not the past, and see how y'all can improve your relationship over the next few months...

    Keep us posted!
     
  4. rproctor

    rproctor New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks Dave! Your response really opened my thoughts about this. Your totally right, I should focus on how great our relationship is, and not how frustrating her past is. After all, it is her past, and I am her future... Though... It still makes me feel nauseous when I think about it, I really should just get over it. Why am I so small minded towards this... I guess one of my biggest concerns is that I dont want to be involved with a "slut"... I have been down that road before with x gf's and it is something that I truly want to avoid. What totally baffles me is that the way she acts, her appearance, and her mindset is totally different than the way she makes her past out to be... Maybe she is a totally different person now, in which case I should for no reason judge her because of her past.
     
  5. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Of course she's different, people change. What bothers me is, deep down you think she is a "slut". Dude, the problem is not with her, it's with YOU. Get over it and move on, already!
     
  6. rproctor

    rproctor New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Cowboy Lover, I understand how you could make that assumption, maybe when you read my post you misunderstood where my idea of that came from. Your right, the problem does come from me, which is why I posted "What can I do to get over this". If you don't have any informative replies, or any useful information, please do not flame my post with rude replies, it would be much appreciated.

    And just to clarify this, the word slut is a pejorative term in which most cases is taken with opinion. So its a derogative term, but everyone has their own idea of what a slut is. And in my opinion, sleeping with multiple randoms while under the influence is definitely slutty.

    And to be quite honest, telling me to get over it and move makes no sense as its not just as easy as a snap of the fingers or a break of the chain. I would hate to be the kind of person who could care so little about something so important and just sweep it under the rug... Or be the person to freak out about it and drop something that could have been the everything and more over something that could have been overcome.

    I came to this thread seeking advice, not disrespect. Its very hard for me to publicly put my problems online, especially with such a sensitive subject. The last thing I need from you, or anyone else, is some half ass, half thought out response about my life and my gf's life.

    If I get more responses similar to yours I will just remove this thread.
     
  7. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    I apologzie for my bluntness, it's just that this very same topic has come up over and over again. Young men date women that slept with other men before they met...the boyfriends can't deal with it.

    Do a search here, you will see it over and over again.

    Now, try to find a woman complaining about her man's sexual history and their inability to deal with it. I may be wrong, but I don't think you'll find any postings. The thing is, women don't care who their men slept with before they met, they only care about what happens AFTER they become a couple.

    Why is that? Now that's a question I'd like to see answered.

    To me it's a no brainer. What's past is past, end of discussion.
     
    #7 Barbwire, Apr 9, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2008
  8. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2006
    Messages:
    6,443
    Likes Received:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all, welcome to the forums. Like Cowboy Lover already said, this is a fairly common issue and we get postings about it all the time. I'm not sure exactly why it is that a guy (some, but definitely not all) can't seem to handle it when his girlfriend's "number" is higher than his. If she has at least the same amount or more sexual experience than he does, then that lowers her value considerably in his eyes. I guess it's part of the prevailing sexual double standard, that it's alright for a man to sleep around as much as he wants, but it's wrong for a woman to do so. Why? It just is.

    You had partners before you met your girlfriend and she had partners before she met you. I bet you she's not freaked out and judging you because of your sexual past, is she? Do you want to know why? Well, as a wise member of our forums once said, she probably doesn't mind because she loves you for who and what you are. She knows that who you are today is a result of all of your collective experiences, both good and bad. Therefore, if you had not experienced any one of those experiences then you'd be a different person.

    Think about it.

    The person your girlfriend is today, the person you claim to love and you think is "perfect," exists because of everything that has ever happened to her in her life. All her past experiences go to make up "her." Now, don't you think you should be thankful that your girlfriend had those experiences? And don't you think you should trust her a little more.

    The sooner you get over this, the better.
     
  9. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MD
    Have...

    ...you considered taking up an instrument?
     
  10. rproctor

    rproctor New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey, you are totally right.

    But, I think I might not be expressing my problem correctly here.

    Im not worried about her cheating on me, I very much doubt that she would cheat on me... period!

    Also, the number is not what really bothers me either. If she had slept with guys who she was in a relationship with, or at least cared for... That would have been different... But for god sakes she told me once that in the middle of the club, while she was tweaking out on acid, she fucked a guy right in the middle of the dance floor, who she did not know, or anything... I mean... What is that? Yes, to me that depreciates her value... A lot!

    My problem is that I can not get things like this out of my head, im not worried about her cheating on me, or her being more experienced than me... Im disgusted that she would lower herself to that level...
     
  11. rproctor

    rproctor New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Im sorry but I dont quite understand what you mean?
     
  12. bsxy420

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2008
    Messages:
    1,086
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Indiana
    Ok every red flag you stated and you knew it bothered you when she was telling you, why did you keep going out with her? thats her life and thats how she has lived it. there is nothing you can do to change her past.
     
  13. rproctor

    rproctor New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Your right bsxy, I can not change her past, and even though I wish I could, I cant! I continued to date her because like I mentioned in my post I did not really think that our relationship would work out, and to be honest it really did not start to bother me until I really started to fall for her...
     
  14. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    MD
    Let's just...

    ...say, for the sake of argument, you started playing...a(n) ukulele, OK? Figure you got it used, right? Would you spend more time learning to play it and enjoying it or worrying about who had it before you and what they did with it?

    Let's assume you started really liking that ukulele and getting pretty good at it. Would that then be cause to really start obsessing over how the person(s) who had it before you played it or would it be more reasonable to just enjoy what you got going on?

    Now, before you say I'm just being stupid and a smart azz to boot, think about what you are saying and really compare that to what I am saying.
     
  15. rproctor

    rproctor New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    LP, you make a very good point with your analogy!

    However, if you switch out the instrument for a car, you get a totally different response... Besides that, comparing an instrument to a person is a good way to generalize the problem here, but far from an accurate portrayal of this scenario.

    I totally get what you are saying though, 100%... Not to even worry about the past, and just enjoy the greatness of the present.

    Also, to point out, the word used can be one extreme or the other. Used could be that the previous owner had played it once or twice and that was it, or it could have been used by hundreds! In which case, one or the other would greatly change the overall performance of the instrument.
     
  16. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Just because she has a sexual past that might not line up with your values, you can't judge her for that. I've done a lot of things in my life, had sex much earlier than I should have, did a lot of drugs I should not have. That doesn't make me damaged goods. My value has not depreciated. It's just that, I had to get all of this experience to be who I am now. I had to do those things to grow and learn and understand the right path for me. I'm sure it's the same for her. You can't do anything about her past, so why dwell on it? Trust her or not. Be happy or don't. It is that easy. It's just a matter of dropping the matter, and I know it is possible to get over things like that, because I have. She didn't do anything to hurt you. Just be happy you've got her now, and that she's who she is now.
     
  17. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    You do realize that the one with the problem here is you, don't you? Please, either end the relationship and allow her the opportunity to find a partner who respects her or get help. I'm not being flip, I mean it, to be so preoccupied with and distressed to the extent that you are over her sexual past is not healthy. You need to find a way to deal with this before it destroys your relationship, and, yes, harboring these feelings for your partner is going to negatively impact your relationship one way or another, it's only a matter of time.
     
  18. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    I think you need to get over it too, and that comes from someone who has a very colourful sexual past himself. I started a thread called 'the sleaze tree' about young Australian men AND WOMEN being proud of the numbers of casual sexual partners they'd had, and was accused of being anti-American and so on. And yet, time and again, I see the need for love to have sex, and postings like this where a bit of sexual experimentation tarnishes a person for the rest of their natural life.

    Sex can be loving and intimate, or it can be good fun. Or both. As a casual sexual experimenter (group sex too), it's interesting working out a partner for your one and only time together. If it clicks, it's very satisfying that you managed to work her out, and she you. The other thing that makes casual sex interesting is that you can learn a lot, and someone can learn from you too. In a relationship, sex is close and warm, but when it's just casual sex for no other reason that it feels good, it has a difference ambience.

    I'm over that now, and our sex life is mostly routine with sometimes variations. But still, there's enough like me, men and women, who enjoyed our younger days in ways like this before settling down with someone special.
     
  19. cook74

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2007
    Messages:
    3,864
    Likes Received:
    5,906
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    Red Flag? WTF!? Man...

    I read your post and all the posts after it but that "red flag" thing at the start... Shit, all I can imagine is you waving a little red flag every time your partner told you something you didn't like.
     
  20. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    To be honest, I felt like that, too!