my dilemma with virginity and the purpose of sex

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by hammertizime, Jun 26, 2007.

  1. hammertizime

    hammertizime New Member

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    ok heres the deal. i am going to be 24 soon, a female and still a virgin. i don't have a problem getting guys and im not religious. i was raised catholic...i don't practice anything right now. i used to want to wait until i was married to have sex back when i was religious. when i got to college i stopped practicing religion but i still wanted to wait until i was married to have sex. now im out of college and i dont believe in marriage anymore. so i decided to just wait until i fell in love to have sex because i believed it was a special intimate thing that i just wanted to share with the right person. im getting older and i also am seeing someone now and i know that we might be falling in love and the issue of sex is going eventually smack me in the face. so i have been thinking about my position on sex a lot lately.

    so this is my problem. the other day i started thinking about the whole concept of sex just being meant for reproduction. i know it sounds crazy...but this is what i thought. when people have sex there are so many things to worry about. and so many bad things can happen to you from having sex like std's and unwanted pregnancy, etc. and i know also when i have fantisized and gotten off on some graphic things i always feel dirty afterwards and almost ashamed. (maybe this is because of my religious background that its just imbedded in my conscious or something). and i know everyone says, sex is such an amazing thing and to deny yourself your basic human instincts and pleasures is horrible. i really felt that way too. but then i was thinking, well a lot of things that feel good arent really GOOD. what if having sex for pleasure was really wrong, and all of those bad things are the punishment for it? i dont practice religion but i am spiritual, and i believe there is some greater force out there that will not let bad deeds go unpunished. so yes maybe sex feels good and we desire it, but is it really GOOD? should be really be doing stuff like that? and like gluttony feels good, but i dont think its good. and sloth can feel good but i dont think its good.

    anyways i have no idea if that even makes sense. im not sure if i believe all that crap, its just an idea that popped into my head the other day and i was wondering if anyone else ever thought about sex like that and what is your opinion of this idea? i probably sound like a lunatic. i obviously have sex issues but i dont know, to me its just more of the fact that i think about things way to much and i just want to be sure im doing the right thing. i definitely find myself wanting to have sex with the person im with right now. its a natural desire that comes over me but at the same time i think that desire has been heightened dude to how glamorized sex is everywhere. i also admire some of my friends who have so much sexual freedom and energy and they are just so open to sex and love it and love talking about it and just want to share their love and experience pleasure with everyone. i just dont know what to think. oh yea and another thing which makes this all difficult..i love being a virgin. i love the idea that im still pure pretty much. (ive never done ANYTHING except fantasize and get off on that stuff by myself.) so i say "pretty much pure." i like being this way because people admire me for it, but mostly because it just feels special and its been a part of my identity for so long that i might be afraid to let it go. i totally have the desire to have sex wtih the person im with, but only when im with him and we are alone in the bedroom. i dont think about sex during the day really, those fantasies are few and far between (once a month at most) and only when im bored actually. i dont think it would be hard to be a virgin the rest of my life because of this and a lot of times i think it sounds more ideal because its less to worry about. less complications and stress. i dont believe in birth control so that makes sex more difficult. and i dont want to get pregnant and think no matter what im using as protection i would still be paranoid during sex that i was going to get pregnant. staying a virgin and becoming a recluse sounds much more appealing most of the time!

    someone please give me their views on all of this or direct me to some good reading perhaps? anything would be much better than what i have at this point which is no clue.
     
  2. Kahurin

    Kahurin New Member

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    humm you said alot and have so many views im glad you joined this sight to be more open minded and read what other people have to say

    Sex is your body and is something to give something to be so special to give away i can understand why your so happy to be a virgin still

    but believe me if you dont believe in birthcontrol and dont want to get pregnant dont have sex theres nothign worse then having a baby when you arent ready they have different types of birth control such as IUDs there arent any hormons

    you ahve these feelings like sex is wrong but thats because of your catholic beliefs. why dont you do some research in other religions and sort your self out some religions believe that sex is somethign to be happy about hell look at the karma sutra :D

    god gave us these bodies why would he allow us to give our selves pleasure? sure you can say its a test but then everyone would go to hell now wouldnt they?

    Now im not that much of a religious person but i believe so much is so true about the bible and so on i have my beliefs but they are more along the lines of my own religion

    It seems your problem is that you have no idea what to believe whats true what you should be feeling if this is right or wrong. Follow your heart.:eyes
     
  3. cbrmale

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    I come from a non-Christian country (Australia), but as an outsider looking in, the US has been taken over by the Christian anti-sex forces. I will elaborate.

    Since the early middle ages, Christianity at the official level at least has a problem with sex. There isn't universal agreement on where this problem comes from, one of the key anti-sex theologians had a colourful sex life himself before he changed his views substantially. Some argue that the anti-sex slant is an anti-women slant, because women are the source of original sin and women are temptresses and the ultimate way a woman can tempt a man is to offer him sex. There may be some truth behind this, although the Muslim and Jewish religions have no issue encouraging sexual pleasure. The Muslim religion is the more liberal of the two, a couple can get temporarily married for example in order to have a short-term sexual relationship. This is casual sex by any other name. There are some passages in the New Testament attributed to Paul that have a negative slant towards sex, but these passages were not written by Paul, so the anti-sex theology is certainly a later arrival into the religion.

    Over time, the Christian Church put more and more prohbitions on sex, even restricting sexual pleasure for married couples, and these prohibitions stayed with us until recent times. In the 1970s, the real influences of the 1960s fringe culture took hold across mainstream Western society and couples in many countries rebelled against Christian restrictions on sexual pleasure. The Church was caught on the back foot, in my country (which was never particularly religious), the Church lost out and Christianity was marginalised. Between 1970 and 1975, the Christian Church effectively ceased to exist.

    In the mid-1980s, Christianity was blessed with AIDs. Now it had a reason to preach an anti-sex message again. This anti-sex massage has seemed to have accelerated in your country over the last ten years or so to the point where sex is sometimes seen as a life-threatening pastime!

    Yes it is true one can catch a STD, this has always been the case even when I was having casual sex without condoms in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Most STDs are harmless, many can be cured with antibiotics and only two or maybe three are of concern. However the prevalance and risk of STDs is often overstated. First up, you must have sex with someone who has the STD, and not so many people in the population are actually infected with a serious STD. Second, even if you have unprotected sex with someone who is infected, you don't necessarily catch it. Sometimes it takes several attempts.

    So my view on the 'dangers' of sex is they are overrated, especially if one practices safe sex. If something goes wrong with safe sex such as a condom falling off, the risk level of an adverse consequence is still low. If one is in a relationship, then sex is a wonderful glue to cement the relationship into something special.

    There is sex and good sex, and good sex has to be learned. This is where the virgin until marriage scenario has problems, because by having a few sexual relationships before meeting a lifetime partner, one learns sexual confidence and sexual technique. Other civilisations are well aware of this, and in the past many non-Christian civilisations actively encouraged casual sex in order to learn and master something that is tricky. Of course, sex before a lifetime partner also gives a person an opportunity to experience the special pleasure of this wonderful act. Another downside to this scenario is that it has been known for disasterous marriages to take place because of the sexual tension between the couple. Venting the sexual tension may give a couple an opportunity to consider such a lifetime relationship with better perspective.

    I personally subscribe to the theory that the Christian anti-sex view is actually anti-woman, so I personally chose to ignore it and to pursue an active and fun sex life instead.

    To wrap up, when I get in my car and drive to work I am in a far greater danger of injury than having casual sex. Does this make my car evil and to be condemned? Of course not, because by driving my car I gain benefits that far outweigh the risks. In two months time my wife and I are flying to Europe, but the plane could fail and we could be killed. Does this mean I should cancel the holiday? Of course not, we will gain benefits that outweigh the risks, and just because people die when planes crash or cars crash doesn't mean they have been condemned by God.

    Put things in perspective, and hopefully you will be able to set your own course.
     
  4. Bluesy

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    Cybermale is wrong, wrong, wrong about the potential of contracting an STD. It's currently estimated that one in every four adult Americans has Herpes. Herpes is incurable and severely limits your dating prospects because nobody wants to catch it. It's also one of the easiest STDs to catch; you can get it even if the guy uses a condom. Infectious areas aren't confined to the penis/vagina; lesions can crop up on the outer genital area, and even the upper thighs. It can be spread via oral sex as well as genital sex. In fact, it's on the rise among junior high kids who think oral sex is perfectly "safe"--it isn't.

    I sleep with no one unless they agree to get tested beforehand; I do not put much faith in condoms. Please don't underestimate the seriousness of STDs because you've been fed misinformation.
     
  5. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    Well it sounds interesting to me, we are very a like and very different

    I think that religion has played a very important part in your life, I use to be religous but have lost my faith recently,

    anyway

    Yes I feel sex is very natural and I feel it is a wonderful experience to be had, I feel it is something that you should wait to have with someone you love, I believe in a monogamous relationship, I worry about STDs as well but if you get tested it can be put out of your mind afterwards, I believe in using birth control

    now

    I think you are in the right mind, but to me it sounds like you don't really care about sex, it isn't a bad thing, everyone is different, You say you like being a virgin this may be because of your past religous experiences or just the taboo of sex in your house or maybe your fear
    I can't help with the first to only you can do that but you should fear sex you should enjoy it, but be careful and control it

    Yes good things can be bad, sex is good feeling and good for physically mentally and I believe spirtially, but all things must be controlled or they gain power over you and then you are just their puppet so in my opinion Sex has power over you,fear, you can tame it if you are patient and use good judgement

    good luck
     
  6. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    In Medieval times there was a very strong Cult of the Virgin developed and perpetuated by the Catholic Church. People like St. Augustin wrote long treatises on virginity, about how chastity rendered you a pure and powerful human being. They wrote tales of virgin women and men being able to slay dragons because of their virginity. I mean they really pulled all the stops on this. However, why they thought sexual intercourse was such a horrible thing, I really have no idea...something about the Doctrine of Original Sin. Basically God was furious that Adam and Eve discovered how to use the equipment that God had installed between their legs, and he therefore banished them from paradise. The Cult of the Virgin expected everyone to abstain from sex, even married people.

    The thing to keep in mind is we as human beings are sexual beings just like every other living creature on this planet, and that's it perfectly natural and normal to have sex. Sex is not dirty or nasty or sinful. You never hear anyone talking about lions sinning when they procreate. But with all the anti-sex propaganda being spun by the abstinence only camp, no wonder people like you are confused about sex. The basic message of the abstinence only program can be summed up as follows:

    "Sexual intercourse is WRONG WRONG WRONG. It's bad. It's nasty. And if you have it just for fun it will only make you sad and miserable. Therefore, you should only give it to someone you love and most importantly, to whom you are legally married."

    If that sounds contradictory and confusing, it's because it is. The young people of today are basically told how bad having sex is and that having it outside of marriage will screw up their lives, and then when those of them who buy the propaganda actually do end up saving themselves until marriage...well, by then they're so afraid of having sex that they are totally sexually dysfunctional.

    Having sex is something that we're all supposed to do. We wouldn't have been born with genitals pre-installed if we weren't meant to ever use them. You sound like an intelligent young lady and I'm sure you'll be able to sift your way through the bullshit and make the right decision.
     
    #6 Puss_in_boots, Jun 27, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2007
  7. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I, too, have a strong 'religious' background - from which I have averted in recent years. I know how long-ingested teachings can play in your mind, even after you have decided to form your own opinions about sex.

    If we were not meant to enjoy sex, an orgasm would be unnecessary. We would simply have sex to pro-create, and it would be done because we were "supposed to do it" (i.e. "Be fruitful and multiply" ), and would not expect any type of enjoyment. I am persuaded that we have physical attributes that are created in our bodies that cause sex to be pleasurable. Enjoying orgasm propels our motivation to have sex in the first place. Lets face it, if there wasn't some sort of reward at the end, who the hell would want some guy's wangy dangy shoved up the inside of her pee-pee? The whole concept, without pleasure, is disgusting.

    There's certainly nothing wrong with your desire to have your sexual experience be a meaningful one. Too many people treat it as some flippant 'right of passage' into adulthood. And your thoughts regarding pregnancy are well thought out, given your views on birth control. By all means, if/when you do have sex, make sure that you and your SO understand that you may become pregnant (though there are some ways to lower the odds naturally), and know beforehand how you will handle that scenario. Being ultimately committed to each other for the long run is important in your situation. Make sure all these things come up BEFORE you take that step.
     
  8. Richie38

    Richie38 New Member

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    Hi,

    Problem is that half the time these so called "virgins" of the church are into so many other sexual activeties that it's questionable about how "pure" they claim to be half the time. Lets face it you could be being buggered up the arse twice daily and still claim your a "Pure Virgin"! - Its where you draw the line regarding what's acceptable or how you interpret your religion?

    As for hammertizite's issue, i think she has been seriously held back due to her strict religious upbringing - I have always viewed religion as a mind control mechanism. In this case the poor woman is being haunted by thoughts that sex is some how a dirty thing to do and to remain a virgin will somehow bring her greater rewards on some mystical afterlife most likely - what a load of cobblers!

    She needs to move forward and put her religious past and all the baggage that went with it well behind her and start enjoying life for what it is, for as long as she has it.

    As she now has a partner, she should embrace it and enjoy her time with that partner as much as possible. Nothing is more enjoyable or fulfilling than making love with someone you love or have strong feelings for - she should go for it and move on. I can't stress enough to her that "life is for living"

    As i see it she is at a crossroads in her life:-.

    If she decides to stay a virgin until she dies she will have missed out on the intimate closeness that making love brings and its likely she will end up a sad old lonely spinster with very little in her life, or probably worse end up back under the mind control of the church

    If she can ditch the baggage and move forwards she can enjoy a fulfilling relationship that could later move onto having children or other life experiences.

    She needs to 100% understand/ re-educate herself that making love is not some dirty, bad thing to do. Its a basic human requirement - If everyone remained a "Virgin" the human race would become extinct - that's how nutty the notion is!

    I wish her well and hope she can overcome her fears - She has some much to gain

    Richie
     
  9. hammertizime

    hammertizime New Member

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    well i cant figure out how to reply to everyone individually so i will just say it here, all of the advice and thoughts are very much appreciated. it really did help a lot and im glad you guys arent treating me like im out of my mind. my friends think im crazy when i bring stuff like that up. but yes i really have to educate myself on safe sex. also i think everyone is right, i am probably letting my religious upbringing control my life. it sucks that so much fear can be instilled into you and even though you dont practice those beliefs anymore, stuff still weighs on your conscience.

    puss_in_boots: hit the nail right on the head about virginity. i am heavy into medieval studies..and virgins are indeed held very high in the old writings. it makes it so appealing! that is where i would say 95% of my desire to stay a virigin comes from. amazing.

    rose: you are right about why would we have orgasms if we werent meant to enjoy sex? that makes sense to me. plus you are the resident sexy grandma?? thats awesome ha.

    richie38: i am at a crossroad in my life and youre right i have to re-educate myself and re-evaluate how i want the rest of my life to be. i dont want to miss out...but i definitely dont want to get pregnant any time soon. i just have to figure out the best way to handle everything.

    vampire_raver: i totally agree with what youre saying about enjoying sex but not letting it control you or get out of hand. i think you can also relate that to the whole gluttony or green or sloth thing i was talking about earlier. like, in moderation things are good but when they control you they are bad

    bluesy: thanks for the reality check with the std points. that stuff is such a big deal to me..i want to know exactly what im getting into. its scary and sucks

    kahurin and cbrmale: thanks a lot for your inputs. a lot of points to take into consideration. the iuds..ive just heard of them and started reading about them. they look crazy though!

    anyways thanks everyone, i feel a lot better and like im getting a little more direction.
     
  10. cbrmale

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    No I am not wrong, Herpes is NOT a sexually transmitted disease. I have herpes caught from my wife, who in turn was kissed by some relative when she was pre-pubescent. Most adults who have herpes of either strain have caught it through non-sexual contact, and I am including oral sex as 'sex' in this instance.

    Research on the topic showed that Herpes of either variety is not classified as a sexually transmitted disease (at least in my country), even though there is an extremely small chance that it can be caught through sexual contact. Research also showed that it is not possible to test for the Herpes virus unless it there is an active lesion that can be swabbed, so I just don't know how you do it. As you probably know, Herpes is usually caught by contact before the lesions show.

    The only way to avoid catching Herpes is to avoid all human-to-human contact which includes sex, kissing, shaking hands, hugs, embraces etc etc. Otherwise, live with the risk that you too may be kissed by an aunt or an uncle or a grandmother who may pass it on.
     
  11. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    You guys are both right herpes is a very broad disease that emcompasses may strands that can be contracted several ways

    Bluesy is talking about the sexual strand ex(STD herpes)
    Cbrmale is talking about the nonsexual strand ex(cold sore)

    so no need to fight guys
     
  12. cbrmale

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    In Australia (or in the United Nations), neither Herpes Simplex Virus-1 or Herpes Simplex Virus-2 is classified as a Sexually Transmitted Infection (to use the medically correct term). There are two strains of Herpes, BOTH of which can be caught through sexual and non-sexual contact.

    If the United States classifies Herpes-2 as a STI, then it fits in with the overall 'abstinence is good and sex is bad' thing, but the rest of us don't classify either strain of Herpes as a STI as both are mostly transmitted through non-sexual contact.

    Neither strain can be tested in a pathology blood test.