Mixed signals?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Icebat, Apr 29, 2015.

  1. Icebat

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    Hey all

    It's been a while, but I got a question. It's kind of a long story so I'll make it as brief as possible.
    So I'm an indoor climber. Lets wind the clocks back to October 2014. At the climbing gym, I approached a cute girl that was alone and basically, we connected. We went climbing together a couple of times, I invited her for a drink and even for dinner and she accepted both times.
    All was going well and I thought it was time to make a move and tell her that I like her.
    She says that she had a feeling it would come, but she said she was gonna leave the Belgium (where I live) in January for 8 months to go to Colombia for a project for her job so that this wouldn't work anyway. Basically, I got the "we can still be friends" crap. You know... that thing no man wants to hear.
    I wasn't bitter or angry at her. I mean, if it won't work, it won't work and that's that. I was a bit confused because she gave a lot of signals of interest, but not angry.

    Anyway, I got over her and in February 2015, I was climbing, minding my own business and all of a sudden, she pokes me in my back and says "hey! how it's going?" She explains her project in Colombia got cancelled prematurely and she just arrived back in Belgium.
    We went for a drink together and I explained that I had mixed feelings now: I still like her, but I do't really know how to feel about that now that she's back in Belgium unexpectedly.
    She said that before leaving for Colombia, for a few moments, she did think about going on a relationship with me but still said it still wouldn't work even now because she travels a lot for her job and her family in France since she is of French origin (she was gone for the whole of March to France for example). Basically, she said that I'm a good looking guy and that she thinks I'm funny as hell and enjoys my presence but it wouldn't be practical since she spends 50% of her time abroad.
    She confessed that she would actually prefer to have a French boyfriend since a lot of her time abroad in in her hometown in France.

    So OK, I can understand that. I personally wouldn't mind not seeing my girlfriend all the time. On the contrary: I'm a very independent person and even if I love my friends, I love meeting people and I can be very affectionate and friendly towards my partner, I also need a lot of time alone. Sharing my roof with someone, at this point, is a big no-no.
    But the thing is, she still sometimes contacts me to go climbing together. And when we run into each other at the climbing gym because we each went our way (each with buddies of our own) she spontaneously gives me attention by coming up behind me and saying hi when I didn't notice her, waving at me and smiling when I happen to look her way, coming to me asking how my climbing is going, etc.
    It feels like she's not really sure of what she wants herself. She even gave me a compliment on my physique. And that's the core of my question here: last monday, I had climbing training with our training group and she happened to be there with a colleague. I hadn't seen her in a while sice she was gone all March. She asks me how my climbing was going and I said I was doing fine. She says "yeah well I can see you spend a lot of time here lately". I ask "ah, why's that?" and she replies "well, you got muscular".
    Getting a compliment is nice, but does this mean she was checking me out?
    Am I right when I say these are some mixed signals? I'm not sure how to proceed here now. I'm still attracted to her, but I can't keep playing this cat and mouse game...
     
  2. lbushwalker

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    Hey welcome back Icebat and thanks for the updates.
    Having read your story I am of the opinion that she likes you a lot and still feel comfortable with you and so in her mind and she sounds pragmatic, you are a trusted close friend but not a contender as a serious partner.
    You did not mention if sex was involved so I am taking it as there was not so the FWB option does not apply here.
    She sounds like a nice girl but not in the least ready to settle and although perhaps needing companionship you are clearly are a lone wolf.
    So on balance my spin on this is that this is going nowhere in the romantic stakes.
     
  3. Lizzie73

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    I have a different take. If she wanted to blow you off, she wouldn't keep giving you attention. It sounds to me like she likes you and was sort of feeling you out--saying those things to see if you would be cool with a long distance thing. Did she give any other reason other than her travels? Did you tell her you would be okay with a relationship like that? If not, maybe try again? Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like she's into you. :)
     
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  4. arugula

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    Definitely mixed signals. Yeah, she likes you, but not in "that way". She has already told you she prefers a French boyfriend, so she is prejudiced against you in that way. Whether it's from parental, personal, or social/cultural pressures, it doesn't matter. She's also blamed her work schedule for not wanting you. Women who want you make it clear and don't play games like this. Enjoy it for what it is: a friendship with some flirtatious overtones but not relationship material. Life is too short for BS. Keep looking.

    PS- be careful listening to women's advice about relationships; many of them have a completely different perspective than men. Spend some time on some men's forums and educate yourself.

    PPS- I fully expect to get flamed by the ladies and beta males of SF for my opinion on this, but my general position on relationships has been vetted over decades and is experience-validated by men the world over.
     
  5. Icebat

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    I'm not sure. I can see how she indeed isn't too keen on a long distance relationship and I can even understand the fact that she prefers a French boyfriend since she spends more time in France than Belgium, so maybe she doesn't see me as long term relationship material. On the other hand, those mixed signals and that blatant compliment of my physique perhaps shows she at least finds me physically attractive.

    The subject of sex was never brought up though.

    Either way, I don't plan on putting my life on hold for her. I did that in the past with another woman back in the days I was a typical "Nice Guy"... Life is indeed too short for this BS.
     
  6. arugula

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    Agree- enjoy her as a person and her company when she is available, but don't consider her relationship material unless and until she makes her intentions clear.
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    Arugula, I am not going to flame you and besides am also an Alpha male but I have learned that if want to understand a woman then ask another or even several!
    Most of us guys have little idea or understanding on how women really think and behave. And before XL jumps in; they are not a different specie but do things differently to us guys and often we miss the queues because they are either too subtle or the signals confuse us in that they seem contradictory to the words such as in this case.
    I still think that this Alpha females likes the OP a lot but in a pragmatic way and I would read nothing in her mention of his improved physique.
    Women compliment each other and guys like that all the time, sometimes honestly but often it is just pleasantry in my experience.
    The OP also sound like a chronic friendly type guy which is fine but to really get women's attention there needs to be an element of "bad" "excitement, "challenge" or "tension" happening in other words, girl hang around me at your risk of whatever.....edge!
    I don't think that can be manufactured it is just inherent in one's personality.
    Also I would suggest that Iceboat study the different personality types, identify his own and determine which in a female would be compatible to him then try to learn to recognise give away traits in other people.
    It is a fascinating analysing game and becomes second nature in a short while
    Just my spin ;)
     
  8. Cappy_Dick

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    @Icebat

    I would start looking elsewhere. You have made the move to attempt to initiate a relationship with her and she has basically said she doesn't want one with you. You are friend zoned with her and it doesn't sound like this will change.

    xx
     
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  9. Alwayslearningsex

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    I'm with bush on his take. I have met real friendly women who let you know they like you and not shy telling you but take a step back when things could go to the next step. they kind of want to be liked, give and get attention but nothing else.

    In the OP's case I would suggest go the friend way and let her know, otherwise there seems to be too much flip flopping .... make up your mind woman. I learned to make my mind before them in the past when I see the trend.
     
  10. 10_3XL

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    She's your friend, but not looking to be your "friend ;)" - if you catch what I'm saying. The comments on your physique and smiles and friendly hellos don't really mean all too much. I don't know anything beyond what you've provided here, but in my (arguably limited) experience it sounds like she's just the sort of person that behaves/interacts in such a manner with most people.

    If she's got that long of a list of reasons not to be with you in a romantic/intimate sense, then I'm echoing everyone else and saying move along down the line. There are going to be plenty of other women out there who are interested in such a relationship without a bunch of provisos and rules and all that.

    It also sounds like both of you for various personal reasons aren't Relationship-Ready. You're still rockin' the Lone Wolf lifestyle and she's currently very career-minded. I'm not saying that such a scenario couldn't play out positively (in theory it could be ideal), but it would require a level of commitment and work that I'm not entirely sure most people (not just you) are up to.

    PS - thanks @lbushwalker for that acknowledgement of dubious interpretation. :confused:
     
  11. Lizzie73

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    Ok. I guess it depends on how she acts around everyone else. I'm fairly shy, so if I acted that way, it would definitely be a sign of attraction. If she flirts/is outgoing with everybody (male, female, old, young alike)? I guess you guys are right. Maybe. ;). If she acts more friendly with him? I stand by my original assessment.
     
  12. lbushwalker

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    And there lies the problem!
    You should have been on her tail or soon after she asked to go climbing with you.
    Like I said earlier, if you wanted her you needed to make her understand that but in a way that would excite her rather than reject and this is what I meant by building tension.
    Climbing together like dancing should have been one of the most intimate physical activities (besides actual sex) you can do with a person of the opposite sex.
    It is a choreograph of movement, strength, endurance, skill, trust and many things besides.
    Imho afterwards she would have been exhilirated with an adrenaline rush and a drenched pussy requiring action but that needed follow through in the moment you were both high on endorphins; this is assuming that it was a satisfying and enjoying climb.
    Because you did not make any move in that direction she has sidelined you as a serious bedmate contender but maintained you as a friend.
     
  13. ply

    ply
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    Just ask her "Do you want to fuck or what?"

    If she says NO, then enjoy her ass a friend
     
  14. lbushwalker

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    LOL, Friedman slip!
     
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  15. Icebat

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    Asking a girl if she just wants to fuck is so hard. I mean how do I even bring up the subject without sounding like a fucking pervert? "Hey, wanna fuck me?"
    I understand a man needs to be sexual if he wants to not end up in the friendzone, but how do you bring up that subject?

    I got to admit, I'm so bad with women... sometimes I wonder what the fuck's wrong with me. If a woman says "I enjoy your company, you're funny as hell but I see you as a friend" isn't that the same as "you're a funny guy, but you're too ugly to have sex with"?

    Man I hate feeling undesired.
     
  16. lbushwalker

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    Once again you are overthinking it mate.
    Just relax and next time something like that happens just casually weave into the conversation something non threatening like; I wonder how it would feel to be intimate with someone like you and do you ever feel the same? This almost innocent phrase has set up sexual tension see?
    Here the intent is the same as saying I would love to fuck you but the way is not rude or coarse which it would otherwise be plus you have neatly put her in a position to respond which if she is keen she will say something positive but if not it gives a face saving way for both to move on. Nobody gets hurt and there is a good chance to gain but if you say nothing, nothing gets said and nobody knows where anything is going so the opportunity lapses by default.
     
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  17. Lizzie73

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    Never give up on being a nice guy!! If you want a nice girl, that is who you need to be.
     
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  18. Sigh

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    To me, it's clear as day she's doesn't want to/can't be in a relationship with you. The sole reason is it's inconvenient for her travelling so much. Also, she has said 'we should stay friends' and 'she prefers French guys' etc because of the inconvenience and it doesn't seem like she can get around that.

    However, she does finds you attractive, thoroughly enjoys your company and she finds it easy to talk to you so it's hard for her to stay away from you completely. I personally think to save your feelings from being hurt, you should just accept that it's a friendship with someone you enjoy spending time with because that is certain, there are no doubts about that.

    To be honest, she sounds very flaky and unsure of yourself, somewhat manipulative. She might get a kick out of you liking her so much and is just playing games since you're not seeing or interested in anyone else but her. So I would definitely keep my distance, at least emotionally and not get attached.
     
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  19. Icebat

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    Well I saw her last thursday when we went climbing and she announced that she would soon move back to Paris. She just can't really get adjusted to Belgium so well. She continued with the compliments saying how I'm very toned (low bodyfat). During the climb, every time I would tell her something to tease her mildly (like saying "my God, that climb was bloody terrible") she would laugh and slap my arm. But ehh, this might mean nothing. I'm disastrous when it comes to reading female body language.
    Afterwards, we went for a drink and she asked how my love life was doing. I said the truth: I have no love life at the moment and I even kinda struggle with self-esteem issues. I know you shouldn't tell this to a woman as it's a turnoff, but she already rejected me anyway and she's moving to Paris in July so who gives a damn.
    She said again how I'm an attractive guy and joked how during summer, if I get a bit of a tan (I'm a tall, blonde, white Viking :)), I'll attract all women. She said that she was trying to focus on her career before thinking of a relationship now: once she's settled and has a good career going, she'll focus on finding a good man.
    I told her I wasn't even sure what I wanted with relationships myself. She jokingly added "well, that doesn't mean you can't have a one night thing on a saturday evening haha" to which I smoothly but also jokingly replied "true... speaking of which, do you have any plans coming saturday?"
    She chuckled and said she did have plans and quickly changed the subject. So... that's a negatory. But still, at least I was straightforward right. Getting to rejection fast is good. I'm making progress slowly it seems :)

    The thing is, I might be abysmal at reading female body language, but some stuff is more or less universally known for being "yes" even if her mouth said "no".
    For example, she adjusted her hair during the talking, she spent her time fidgeting with her necklace and I did my best to maintain eye contact when talking to her and she returned it. She did not back down and kept looking into my eyes with her head leaning slightly towards me.
    She even said a couple of times that when she'll move to Paris, she'd invite me over for the weekend.
    I mean, she even said she wanted to visit the zoo in my hometown with me because she knows I'm fascinated by animals (especially big cats... fascinating stuff, lads!).

    I guess some chicks really are that confusing and game-players. Except I don't like being the mouse in a cat and mouse game. And I especially don't want to be a GWAP (Girlfriend With A Penis) So... when she'll have moved to Paris, hopefully I'll turn the page for good.
     
  20. Candela

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    I agree with you,Just because she said what she has doesn't mean she means it!!..Yes we are different and I'm reading that she is very attracted to you.If she didn't want anything to do with you,Then she wouldn't be coming up behind you,Commenting on your muscles and telling you about wanting a french boyfriends,All of these things she is saying may be a test for you!..I said many things in the 10yrs my husband took to finally capture me..Give it a chance,Tell her your feelings,That may blow the door open for you as she may be hoping you feel good about her. JMO
     
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