Mismatched libidos

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by AGFUNK, Mar 19, 2014.

  1. AGFUNK

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    How do you deal with a mismatched libido? I just found put that my husband has a much lower drive than mine and sometimes he has sex with me just to make me happy and he doesn't actually want it. I don't want to continue that so I have to figure out how to deal with rare sex and masturbating. Would love to know how others deal with this.
     
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  2. lbushwalker

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    AGFUNK, that is just the lottery of life when couples meet and decide to stay together.
    Surely you have always known that he is not anywhere near your level because that has been clear to me from your posts from essentially day one that you joined up on SF.
    So far you have managed and rather well I will suggest so keep it going!
    I always enjoy reading of your sexploits and wonder how I would cope in your hubbies' place.
     
  3. JonJo

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    AGFUNK
    I'm sure that many members would like to help you with this problem but it is a very difficult subject to approach without being apparently very personal.
    I have not experienced this directly but many of my partners had.
    They were I admit married and some separated or divorced.
    Obviously infidelity, separation, divorce are not routes you want to go down but I can recount the steps they took when they had your problem before they took it.
    The first was to really talk things over in depth, totally and even brutally honestly - with no 'punches pulled' but without recriminations on either side.
    With their partners(?) there were many reasons, the most common being the stress of work, the upkeep of family standards, the unexpected responsibilities of having a child, the 'fear' of having another one unwanted or unable to afford (despite what women seem to think men are not 'always up for it) , possibly undiagnosed ill-health he was worrying about.
    The first two can usually be solved and recognised if a change of pace/venue changes the situation; the other can only be admitted to.
    Sadly there is always the unfortunate case were he just comes to 'accept you', where the romance has died and he perhaps looks on you more as a friend/sister; this does not seem to apply in your case, at least not from your side.
    There is also the perhaps unthinkable to be considered, that he is 'getting it somewhere else'.
    Again only your discussions, open, honest and all disclosing can solve/help with your problem.
    As far as masturbation goes I think that any experienced adult knows that while it carries no connotations of 'guilt' is is only a short term/at the time solution; that while it can give the then needed release and relief it cannot in the long term, in a (supposed) relationship or even none, give the 'closeness' that is needed for completely satisfying sex; there has to be a joining of minds not only bodies. Even if either partner knows of and approves of the other doing it, maybe even occasionally joins in/participates, it can never eventually replace the giving and taking that can only be mutually satisfying penetrative orgasmic/climactic sex. There is always in the back of the minds of both partners the instinctive culminating 'need' to give and receive 'the seed', protected or unprotected.
    There is one other possibility that might apply in your case I don't know but it might be worth mentioning -
    Your partners wasn't present at your child's birth was he?
    The reason for asking: I have two younger friends who come to me (for some reason) with all their problems. They had a child and a few months after P came to me and said that despite all her 'approaches' A would hardly ever have sex with her and when he did he seemed to 'hold back' and he wouldn't talk about it, giving, to her daft reasons, could I find out why. I duly took A out for a drink and got him talking - it transpired that he had been so traumatised by what he had seen and heard at the birth, he loved P so much, that he felt "guilty for what he had put her through and was frightened to risk doing it again", what she had said to him at the time of her pain hadn't helped, regarding 'if he ever dared touch her again'.
    I've since found out that this can be quite a common reaction from men present at their child's birth.

    Long and perhaps rambling but meant with the best intentions.
     
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  4. AGFUNK

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    Yes, I've known that he libido is lower than mine. Not from when we first met though. We were at it several times a day for the first year and a little into the second year. It's slowly been declining more and more. I use to masturbate a hell of a lot more then and didn't bother me nearly as much as it does now. Especially now that he admits that he doesn't want sex but just does it to keep me happy. I don't like that at all. I'd rather not have sex than have some sort of pity (at least that's what it feels to me) sex. The last time we had sex was anal and I didn't get off. The time before that I was on top of him and I got off. He put almost no effort towards it at all. We've had time to have sex since then even though he says we haven't. He just replaced that time with his game.

    I had a long conversation with him last night about this through text because he was at work and this discussion always gets heated so it's better through text so little guy doesn't have to hear us even though he doesn't understand but he understands the tone. It got to the end and I said that I'll just have to learn to deal with it because he just said that it will get better without actually trying to talk it out. Told him that I didn't want sex that he felt obligated to keep me happy because it made me feel horrible. I don't want him to feel obligated so I told him that I won't ask for it anymore or complain to him. He asked me "so you're just going to suffer or cheat?". I told him that I'd suffer because I would never cheat on him. I still and always will love him very much. I just have to get over the fact that his drive has gotten really low. It shouldn't be too hard because I love him. Maybe I should get a hobby. I'm hoping with the better weather and being able to go out with little guy will keep me occupied.

    The romance hasn't died on his end either. He still loves me just as much as always, possibly even more after the birth of our son. We've talked that to death because I feel loved in different ways than he does. We do have a lot of stress right now. Our son has problems with stopping breathing. He was in the hospital for it overnight a few weeks back and they found nothing wrong with him. We noticed he has a tongue tie and that might be the problem. Making an appointment today to get that fixed. He stopped breathing a few days ago and twice last night. He has a breathing monitor that goes off 15 seconds of no breathing. It's completely nerve wracking. It only happens when he's sleeping and I'm the only one with him 6 nights of the week. I barely got any sleep last night and will be surviving on coffee today.

    He also has the stress of being the only one working right now. I've had that stress before while I was in the first half of pregnancy and before that as well. It's not a good feeling. He makes enough for all of our bills and to save money. Hopefully with the tax refund the stress won't be as bad. He did have a scare of possibly losing his job last week and he believes it's gone now and doesn't have to worry as much. He wants to look for a better paying job though.

    I completely understand all of this stress and I'm trying not to blame him anymore about sex. I get it. I just really hope he doesn't decide to get himself off one day while I'm willing nearly all the time. That will just destroy me in that aspect. I don't even get time to masturbate. By the time I do have time I'm too damn tired and just want to relax and enjoy the silence. Trying to get little guy to nap by himself in his bed this week and that just adds to the stress.

    He's not cheating. He's not that type of person and he doesn't have time. He literally works and comes home. Something like that would make him break and he would tell me and I would know.

    Yes, he was there when our son was born. He saw everything and I saw nearly everything with a mirror. We've talked about that as well and it doesn't bother him in the slightest. The worse pain I had was while I was in labor and I had back contractions which are the worst you can get. I got an epidural because I couldn't handle it and he wasn't being very helpful. I never once screamed or said anything like never touch me again or I blame you for doing this to me or anything like that. I still felt little guy coming out but I was laughing and joking with my midwife and nurses. It was painful but no where near as bad before the pain medication and he was crowning for quite some time. My hubby has always been fascinated by the vagina stretching so that's probably why it didn't bother him. He's weird like that.

    And bush you made me think about how he feels about me wanting it constantly. I'll have to ask him about that. Thanks for your responses.
     
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  5. johnnyangel694u

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    The first thing that crosses my mind is fear of you getting pregnant again. It may be a subconscious thing.
     
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  6. Joys

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    Hi AGFUNK and all who responded..

    I must admit that I have a much lower drive than my wife, it has always been that way but the disparity has become larger in time. However, I wouldn't define it as "mismatched".

    I confess that sometimes I do feel obliged to have sex with her just to make her happy and more than once I simply could not do it physically. I know she'd masturbate very rarely - if she ever does without me. I don't cheat so I'm not "getting it somewhere else" and "love" has not died but this is what it is and I wish I had advice for you I could give because it would be advice for myself too. But I must emphasize the birth of your child (is he your 1st??) and his condition.

    I could discuss this further but don't know what to say right now
     
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  7. AGFUNK

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    Another reason he has is due to a medical condition we both have. Completely understandable. It bothers me a lot too. We're trying to talk about it more trying to find even ground.
     
  8. Joys

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    Can't and should not say anything if either or both have medical conditions. You are both emotionally, that is psychologically vulnerable and if you have physical problems too, things we suggest may backfire.
    Why I say this? I must pm if you want but I know psychiatry
     
  9. Joys

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    do you want to talk about that medical condition you both have??
     
  10. AGFUNK

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    It's just something that stops us from enjoying sex to the full extent. We have to actually think about it during sex. He can't go for my boobs at all usually. Vague I know but it's embarrassing.
     
  11. Joys

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    I can't ask if you don't tell.. Do you know how a child of 2 distinguished psychiatrics feels? Can'r go and talk to any shrink because your father is probably his/her prof? Even if you do, you are already aware of the methods and you may even be better than the gut speaking with you..

    Sorry, got carried away, drinking a little

    Is he still competent? I was incompetent lately
     
  12. AGFUNK

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    Yes, always. I don't think I've ever had a problem with getting him hard.
     
  13. Joys

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    well that's good
     
  14. lbushwalker

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    A little drink induced Freudian slip for the word impotent?
     
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  15. AGFUNK

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    Starting to realize there is probably nothing to be done. I don't know why I agreed to no masturbating. He says he wants to do something to raise his libido but he shoots down all suggestions. Guess I just have to live with it and find other outlets that keep my mind off sex.
     
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  16. Joys

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    guess so
     
  17. Joys

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    Is that a "no turning back" commitment???
     
  18. GreyGoose

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    Drives me effin nuts. We use to have good sex life but last 4 years or so down hill. I'm lucky to get it once a week must the time out drives me crazy
     
  19. JonJo

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    If he has broken the agreement then it is also broken for you, so if you want to and can the time then go ahead.
    To break an agreement and yet still expect the other party to abide by it is nothing but selfish, even 'controlling'.
    There is nothing you can do to sublimate such a natural urge as sex, particularly an urge as strong as yours appears to be. To try to do so is only going to build-up more tension - which eventually is going to need release in some form and that form, when it is eventually vented, may be something you didn't really want to say or do. It is better to stop the tension building now, rather than let it get to 'danger level'.
     
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  20. Joys

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