Miserable

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by loveit247, Apr 9, 2008.

  1. loveit247

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    I am miserable today. I miss my SO. I hate having to be seperated from him! It sucks. I know I should be thankful that we are working on things and not seperated completely, I just hate only seeing him once a week and speaking 3 times a week.
    I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my gut that he is not as dedicated to working it out as I am.

    No matter how often he says he wants to be with me forever, I just have a feeling that we won't make it. :(
    I guess this stems from the therapy session I had yesterday, it was pretty rough and we opened up my relationship with him and exposed my fears. I suppose they are sitting at the front of my mind now.

    I really don't want to lose him but I have acknowleged that if he does not change his ways as well as me changing mine, this will not work. I doubt his dedication to changing. It is a very comfortable situation to be in for him (overly close family) and the second they realise he is trying to pull away there will be a backlash! I am worried he won't be strong enough to keep them at arms length.

    I also worry that he is losing his feelings for me. He keeps telling me that he loves me very much, he is just so distant right now, his therapist is pretty adamant that we do not see each other and we have settled for once a week. Still, I worry.

    But then again, worrying is what I do. I suppose my insecurities that I am trying to work on are being brought to the fore because I am away from him, this is making my therapy all the more difficult while he sails through.

    Sigh, thanks for listening guys.
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Hey Loveit...someone once said that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. (Of course, I'm starting to believe that nothing period is ever easy...you can completely waste your in time in a most difficult manner, but that's beside the point). If the therapy is difficult for you, that probably means you are getting a lot more out of it. If it's easy for him, that might mean he's not getting as much out of it, ya know?

    If you have the feeling that you aren't going to make it, I'd say you probably have that feeling for a reason. Try to clear your mind, focus on what you should be focused on right now (fixing yourself), and just decide that whatever happens is what is going to happen...think through all the possible outcomes and emotionally prepare yourself for any of them. That'll help you react better no matter what happens, ya know?

    No matter how hard we try, we just can't force things to be the way we want them to be, it just doesn't work and it does nothing but create stress and unhappiness. Lay-back, take it easy, don't make any important decisions while you are in a heightened emotional state, and just open your mind to accepting whatever happens to come your way. Things have a way of working themselves out sometimes if we just stop interfering with the natural flow of things and just accept whatever happens. Don't be afraid to make a change if you know that's the right thing to do...I can honestly say that I have never made any change in my life that didn't turn out for the better (career-wise, relationship-wise, just about any area really). I do tend to think things over very carefully before I act, but once I make a decision I follow through with it, and I can say that is the right way for me to do things. (What's right for you might be different, but only you know that.)

    Hugs,
    BD
     
  3. FlirtyChick

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    Hey girl!

    I know you are missing him, and your doubts and fears are rising to the top, but please don't let it get you down too much. This is a difficult time for both of you, and he may just be having as hard a time as you. That being said, if you had a hard session with your therapist that means you had a good session. If it brought out more pain and doubt then that means you are working hard and making progress. I know you love and miss your man, but you are doing the right thing. If in the end it does not work between you, you will be strong enough to move forward after some time and find a partner that works for you. Sit back, have a glass of wine, and try not to worry so much. I hope it gets better for you, I really do.

    Love,
    FC

    ((HUGS))
     
  4. Bluesy

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    I second the sage advice of BD and FC. Someone once suggested writing my cares on a helium-filled balloon with a marker and letting it go...making something of a small ceremony of it and simultaneously letting go of those matters I wanted so desperately to control the outcomes of.

    I think I can relate to how you're feeling, and the best thing I can say is that no matter what happens, you're going to be Ok. And eventually, wonderful. Hindsight has a way of showing a person that those things that are right for you only become a reality when you stop resisting and go with the natural course life wants to take you in. Relax...let go...let everything happen the way it's supposed to (which is not necessarily the way you think it should happen). It's a leap of faith, and I have faith in your ability to take it :)
     
  5. loveit247

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    You guys are really the best. Thank you so much!
    Last night was our scheduled middle of the week talk and he made me feel so much better. He told me he is also having a rough time. He says he wants to see me like we used to but knows that we can't. I know it too. We will just slip back into the old habits if we do. This is how it has to be now.

    I will work on letting go of my need to control the situation. It is just so hard for me. Anyway, I look forward to seeing him soon. Either this weekend (if he is not away for business) or on Monday. I just need to calm down on all of this and stop analysing things so much. My problem is that when I have not spoken to him for a while I start thinking up all these different senarios. Silly!

    Anyway, thanks so much for the support.
     
  6. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    And here...

    ...comes Mr. Gray Cloud!!!

    Loveit, when you're hurting, remember this; it's called a 'break' up because it is broken.
    When you're feeling anxious and desperate, say that to yourself; "It's called a break up because it is broken."

    That doesn't mean it can't be fixed. That doesn't mean time to move on. All it means is that the relationship IS BROKEN and until those things, which you've already identified and have consensus with your loved one on, are fixed to your and his satisfaction, then they are still broken and will either push you further apart or you compromise and just live with them. Or somewhere in between.

    As long as you have a plan that makes sense to you, and it sounds like you do, stick to it and focus on the FIXING. If you start using a broken limb before it is healed, it will fracture again, maybe worse than before. If you go back to what broke it before, it will most likely break again.

    As a guy, this is how I process issues, analogies and what I see as a logic trail which means it will be useless to you, but, what the hey. It helps me to think things through for myself just talking about it and I'd be happy if it did help you a bit.

    :hug:
     
  7. loveit247

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    The thing is we are not broken up. His therapist has said we need to spend one hell of a lot less time together if his therapy is going to be effective. That means that I end up confused and hurting and over analysing things.

    Anyway, he has pissed me off majorly now. We talked last night. He is going away for business on Saturday, we were meant to spend Saturday night and Sunday together. So, last night I say that we can see each other Thursday (today). I get a text from him saying he wants to see me tomorrow night. He was fully aware that I have plans for tomorrow night.

    So, I ask him what he is doing tonight, he says cooking dinner for his older sister and her BF. I pointed out that he already had plans with me and why not invite me along. He went off about how I know why I can't be there and how it is not the time.
    I told him to piss off then. I refuse to change my plans just to see him. He told me he could come to me after dinner, I told him to piss off, I am not some midnight shag before he goes away. He is now trying to see if he can get out of dinner.
    To be honest, I do not want to be with someone who is ashamed to admit he is with me! I am sick of being his dirty little secret and if he wants to be with me like he says he does, he had better be good and ready to fight for me!
     
  8. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    You...



    ...were saying... :lol


    Nerves are raw now and passions high, so, go about your business until next week. Let him stew for now. He's the one that blew you off.

    Sorry, that was just funny, at your expense.
     
  9. loveit247

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    Trust me, I plan to do just that.
    No need to be sorry, it does seem like a strange situation. We are still together, not broken up in the "normal" sense of the word. Still see each other and consider ourselves in a relationship.

    I just do not like they way he treated me now, I doubt he is even aware that it affected me. I WILL not change my plans to see him and I will also not accept him arriving after dinner to sleep over. I am not second rate and I do not accept second rate treatment!
     
  10. Dreama

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    I agree with you, there, Loveit. I don't think he should expect you to drop your plans, but by the same token, neither should you him. And, if he's got a business trip, he probably wasn't intending to blow you off, unless it was optional or something. But, I agree, it is a hard situation, and I really hope things work out. You seem really devoted to making things work, and that is awesome. Out of curiosity, why is it that your therapist says you shouldn't see each other more than once a week for his therapy to work? I'm just asking because I haven't heard that before. Then again, I've never seen a relationship therapist.
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    So, did he already have plans with you for Thurs night, then decide to hang with his sister and her BF, or did he already have those plans before you guys agreed on Thurs? If he already had the Thurs plans, I wouldn't be pissed...don't expect him to change his plans for you anymore than you would change your plans for him. It's that mutual respect thing, ya know?

    However, if he already had plans with you then made other plans...well, I would personally feel like I obviously wasn't a priority. I probably wouldn't get pissed...I'd just say "well, maybe you'll get to see me next week." (Meaning "if you're lucky, asshole". :D)

    I'm going to say this again, Sista...let go and don't try to control what is happening, especially not what decisions he makes. OK? If he's going to spend time with you, then you should WANT that to be because he truly WANTS to...not because you've twisted his arm in any way. Let him completely do what he chooses to do...that's what he's going to do anyway by default (especially after your relationship has matured over many years). If he chooses his family over you, then you know exactly what you needed to know, don't ya? If he chooses you over his family by his own choice AND in spite of their influence on him, then you also know what you needed to know. You've got to make sure that you don't exert any control (or even influence) on him...otherwise, you are never going to know whether he's CHOOSING you or simply trying to APPEASE you. Can ya dig it?

    I have rarely-to-never tried to actually control anyone else (with the exception of my 5 year old daughter and a mentally ill elderly parent...sometimes it's just a necessity that you can't avoid). Now, I don't hesitate to influence, but that's quite different from control. I figure if I can't control myself 100% of the time (which I can't!), then I have no right attempting to control anyone else! So, just remember to let go...I'm certainly no counselor but I really, really think that's important for this stage in the ordeal.

    BD
     
  12. FlirtyChick

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    You are very insightful. Good food for thought.
     
  13. FlirtyChick

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    Now, that is standing up for yourself and doing a dandy good job of it! Claps wildly!!!!!
     
  14. loveit247

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    Ok, I told him not to cancel his dinner, he said he would try and get out of it because he wanted to see me. I told him not to be silly. He had those plans already but forgot and made plans with me. That did not piss me off, the fact that he tried to get me to drop my Friday plans and then asked if he could come over after his dinner pissed me off.

    He then wanted to cancel his business trip. I told him he was crazy! It is good money for him and besides, I am busy on Saturday. He is coming back on Sunday afternoon so I do not see what the whole fuss was about for him. I will see him on Sunday. I think he is all upset now because I am not panting to try and see him.

    I told him last night that he needs to tell me why his therapist says he cannot be in a relationship. He said it is his business. I then told him that it is affecting me and if he does not tell me why then he won't have the worry of being in a relationship. He has agreed to tell me when I see him again. Which I think is only fair seeing as it impacts on me. I have also told him that I am NOT his dirty little secret and I will walk away if he makes me feel second rate. I said all of this very calmly and when he got upset I told him that I am not fighting with him, just telling him my feelings and he can argue all he likes but my feelings will not change about this.

    I all of a sudden have his attention back, I was not angling for that because I was dead serious about everything I said and was not playing games. It feel really good to have taken control of my own life! I am no longer pining and worrying about things. I know that whatever happens I am on the road to being a more healthy person and as much as I would love to spend the rest of my life with him, he needs to get with the programme or leave!
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Loveit...sounds like you have or are working toward a very healthy mindset. Keep it up.

    It sounds like you've done maybe a little of arm-twisting by insisting that he tell you about some of his therapy details...but then, I can see your point that it does impact you as well as him. Hmmm...I'd say this: he's agreed to tell you, so even if you don't like what you are hearing, make sure you listen calmly and try to understand...you don't want to punish him for opening up, right? That causes people to not open up if you punish them when they do. Just keep that in mind, and try not to react to whatever he might say. Cool?

    Are you quite a temperamental person? It sounds like he does things that upset you (like putting his relationship with his family above his relationship with you), but then back-peddles to try to appease you (probably so you won't be upset?). I'm not making any judgements here nor offering any criticisms, nor in any way trying to be offensive, OK? That's just the impression that I'm getting. If that's true, maybe he's has some resentment over being "implicitly controlled". (A sensitive person who wants to please their partner will often change their behavior just to suit the partner...but at some point the pleaser can start to resent having to do that...so my question is in earnest and hopefully will cause you to take an introspective look at it.)

    On your side, I absolutely think that your desire of being first priority to him is quite important and is right on target. That doesn't mean he should disown his family or anything...but it does mean that he should put you first. You'll have to give in sometimes when it's really important to him, but then not every single interaction with his family should be more important to him than you are. I think this is about balance, ya know? I think that you have the absolute right to expect him to put you first the majority of the time. And you are demonstrating that to him now. If he chooses his family over you, then that's his choice...and if his choice simply doesn't work for you, then that's a consequence he has to consider (and should consider before making whatever choice).

    Actually, to be more accurate, I think your relationship should be first (or near first) priority to him, not just you personally. I think if he values the relationship with you, that he would also value the family relationship with kids if you guys were to have some in the future. If he just values YOU, then having kids might really change that dynamic (I've seen it before). If he values your relationship, then I think that would extend to kids if you guys ever had them. Just something to think about here.

    Keep your chin up and keep making good decisions!
    BD
     
  16. Barbwire

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    OK, so I've been biting my tongue (fingers?) a bit while reading this saga. Actually, I've been doing it since you first posted you were seeing a therapist to help out with your relationship......Here goes nothing.........

    You haven't been dating him all that long, in the grand scheme of things, and you already need help? Relationships, in the very beginning at least, should be relatively easy. I mean, you don't have kids or a house or any of the things people tend to accumulate after they've been together for a while. It's just you and him and the sheer love/lust of a new relationship.

    If you have to work this hard now, it seems to me, that you two are not compatible and should just go your seperate ways. It shouldn't be so danged hard at this stage.

    I'm sorry if I sound cynical, I just wanted to speak my peace before I chewed my tongue/fingers clean off. ;)
     
  17. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Good...


    ...point.
     
  18. cook74

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    One of my closest friends married two years ago after an on and off 6 month romance. Three or four weeks after marriage they were seeing a marriage counselor on a weekly basis for a few months.

    Mis-advice (Valium etc.) followed and many dollars were spent. My friend found that he and his wife eventually found their own love and acceptance of each other.

    It took time but it did finally happen. :)

    So CL, I guess what I am saying is that sometimes people have problems at an early stage of their relationship but fight to overcome it and stay together for longer than anyone (including family and friends) gave them credit for.

    All the best of luck Loveit.
     
  19. FlirtyChick

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    BRAVO! Please become and stay strong and self-assured while you are young, because the older you get the harder it is to learn it. Take it from a gal who can do nothing right, has no self-esteem, and suffers for it!!!!!
     
  20. FlirtyChick

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    Agreed. And the most important point is don't punish him for opening up. It is awful to not be able to express oneself because of fear of repercussions. I am so sorry you are going through this hard time, and I hope it works out for the best.