Menopause and painful sex (or lack there of)

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mr_me, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. mr_me

    mr_me New Member

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    Right now our sex life is nil. Due to menopause my wife has pain during sex and add that to a low sex drive to begin with, it is pretty much a no go thing. We have discussed, argued and looked into what can be done.
    Hormones are out (she is a nurse and sees enough cancer etc.). There is a great womens resource center in a nearby large town that we went to. They have a very good program of things that need to be done that will help rectify the issue. She doesn't follow it at all or even try. It requires the use of dildo's and lubricants and she has a real hang up about using toys.
    I'm ready to look elsewhere for what I need. Divorce isn't on my radar as I really do care for her, but I am afraid it will eventually kill those feelings off.
    What would you do or suggest?
     
  2. thekid36

    thekid36 Active Member

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    It's definitely not easy to be a HL within a relationship with a LL. I know this from personal experience. It's not her fault that she feels pain during sex. Nor, is it yours that you want to have it. This is where compromise has to come in. As does respect, too. It has to be from both sides. Or, resentment is going to continue to mount. No matter how much you may care for and not want to hurt one another. There may not be a perfect answer. Does not mean one does not exist. Just because she does not want to use toys does not mean there is no possible solution. You need to communicate with one another and come up with something fair to you both. Sometimes, one needs a little creativity and persistence is all.
     
  3. sagswing

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    compromise should also include her and you going to counseling, and to a female specialist on HRT and get the real scoop. I understand your wife is a nurse but she is a nurse working for a specialist who performs and manages HRT even she probably doesn't know all the facts.many in the medical community are not as up to speed on hormones as they should be. Case in point my internist kept telling me that my T level of 380 was normal. And it is it is under the very very tip of the bell curve for normal. He would not consider any discussion regarding supplementing testosterone. I was immensely lucky to find a urologist, who also happens to be the head of Urology as a significant hospital in the local area, who after dealing with athletes and male sexual health in generalhas determined that the normal curve for testosterone is to be thrown out the window. He looks at your entire physical history, for example, I was a powerlifter many yearsand it was affecting all aspects of my life not just sex. I have now been on weekly testosterone injections that my wife gives me for about 8 months my testosterone level is about 800 I am more alert more quick thinking and my libido makes me feel like a teenager again. There are lots of ambulance chasing lawyer commercials about testosterone therapy and cancer. I've had very long discussions with my urologist and his position is much is that many testosterone related issues, from going to those testosterone clinics that advertise in magazines and on the TV.

    I guess the point I'm trying to make is that my internist was clearly not as knowledgeable about hormone therapy as a urologist who specializes in the area. please consider asking her again to at least go to an Hart specialist who has the detailed knowledge necessary to help guide you too in a decision.

    I wish you both all the best I completely understand what a frustrating time it is.
     
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  4. cbrmale

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    Pain during sex could be from vaginal dryness or lack of elasticity, which is not uncommon for post-menopausal women. Full-blown HRT will fix this with a number of side-effects beyond cancer, such as possible weight gain. Estrogen applied direct to the vagina will also fix these problems; the amount of estrogen absorbed into the body is quite low, and vaginal elasticity and lubrication is usually restored. Even a good lubricant will help but I'm guessing you've gone there already.

    You have probably seen these things at the resource centre and, quite frankly, it's not fair of your wife not to use these treatments so that you both can continue to share a sex life. In fact it's uncaring and selfish. The pain can be eliminated and while the sex drive won't be restored, the least she could do is to make an effort for the man she loves.

    There are a lot of women in your age group who may be single: divorced, separated, widowed, and who are looking for sexual companions. You're ready to look elsewhere and that's one option: older dating websites for this sort of imbalance. Fortunately for me my wife doesn't have these symptoms, and fortunately for me I know she would deal with such symptoms should they arise, so I won't be needing such websites.
     
  5. lbushwalker

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    I have not read any of the responses intentionally as wanting to give unbiased opinion.
    Simple answer, HRT is the way forwards dude no matter her spin on it.
    Look carefully at the stats and then decide.
    Hard data here and real life experience, my spouse did not want to go down that path and were are not together anymore.
    Is that worse than a minute chance of higher than average chance of getting Ca?
    Remember this is a sex site ok?
     
  6. mr_me

    mr_me New Member

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    I agree that HRT is "the" answer, however having been on the receiving end of drug side effects (it was simply unbelievable what all happened - long story), I understand her position on HRT.
    She claims to want to solve things, but doesn't seem to want to put in the effort.
    Depression the reason??
    Heck I'd be happy with a weekly arrangement, If needed I can handle the rest. That would beat the almost total lack of physical contact.
    Thanks for letting me vent.
     
  7. sagswing

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    Mayo Clini website has a nice discussion on HRT for menopausal women . . . good read. Like almost EVERY treatment using drugs, including aspirin, there are risks and benefits that must be considered. However, to dismiss HRT out of hand seems to me to be shortsighted and a bit selfish. Purely my opinion please understand.

    This is of particular interest to my wife and I. I am already on testosterone therapy and am DELIGHTED with the results. Wife is now in her early 50's and is researching as well as consulting with an expert on what her options are.

    Neither one of us is willing to give up our VERY active sex lives.
     
  8. lbushwalker

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    Yes the last part was how it happened for me and she had an early menopause too so months of no sex but even worse no intimacy either so eventually my love for her also died.
    I am now with a loving, super horny woman of half my age; problem solved ;)
     
  9. cbrmale

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    My wife is in this menopausal stage too although she has found no change in her sex drive nor with her vagina. I had a past girlfriend who was a few years older than me and post-menopausal, and she found herself with a higher sex drive which is how we had our affair, and again she had no change with her vagina. I have a girlfriend now who is also a few years older than me and was on HRT, and she did have problems with that including weight gain. So she's no longer on HRT and uses the estrogen vaginal tables, and while this hasn't restored her sex drive she does enjoy sex and the pleasure that goes with it, and we do share sexy times together. With the estrogen vaginal tables she has no problems with intercourse, and like many younger women who are tired with babies will tell you, even if you're not 'driven' to have sex, sex is just as pleasurable as it always is.

    I'm unusual for a man in that I had a long-term low-level illness that badly sapped my energy for five or six years, and my natural sex drive faded during that time. But our sex life didn't fade because I loved my wife and wanted to share sex with her, and I also knew that once your start then sex is pleasurable, and that was all the 'drive' that I needed. I didn't crave sex but I enjoyed the pleasure and intimate closeness that went with it.