Men and "opening up" etc.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Trond, Sep 13, 2014.

  1. Trond

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    So I'm a man. We are often told that men are not the best communicators in relationships. Maybe that's correct. Many women seem to want to talk about every little problem, and I'm guessing that really helps them. That's fine of course, and often "part of the package", and I love women :).

    But am I the only one who's thinking that opening up about all sorts of small problems doesn't help for me, and maybe this is a man thing? If I've had a troublesome day, I usually deal with it as it occurs. Sometimes the last thing I want to do is to talk about it afterwards. I want to read a book (or Playboy) or watch tv with my girl.

    So what I'm thinking is that men often don't want to talk about small issues, not because we are emotionally stunted or anything, but because we know from experience that to us it simply doesn't help. The major exception being problems that have to be fixed, maybe including the relationship itself, so that it doesn't crash and burn. But in general it doesn't seem to work for us the way it works for women.

    And yet here I am, talking about it :D (well, at least I'm writing)
     
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  2. 10_3XL

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    From my personal experience it doesn't only happen with men. It largely boils down to a person's personality - gender not being (much of) a factor in the equation.

    Example from my life currently: I'm a venter - shit happens and I have to rant about it for 3 hours in a bout of self-righteous indignation. D, on the other hand, will have a shit day, say just that, and leave it there - quietly handling whatever's bugging her in her own head. We talk about more or less everything openly and candidly, but some things - the small and ultimately meaningless things - often go unsaid because they have zero impact on us/our relationship.

    Anyway...

    Again, I say that from what I've observed - not wanting to talk about small issues isn't a Guys Only deal. It depends mostly on the individual's personality; not their gender.
     
  3. jt _couple2012

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    I agree with you Trend, I found out recently that women can focus better and that's why they see small thing that most of us "men" can't see. Most of men are distracted with the main projects and don't see the small details, I am one of them.
    This is my opinion, I maybe wrong. Don't jump me if you disagree...................:)
     
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  4. HotForHoney

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    Too bad... I disagree and was going to jump you... Oh well.

    Jk, carry on....
     
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  5. lbushwalker

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    H4h if you mean the sort of jumping a wicked mind would conger then that's a very acceptable response ;)
    Yeah, I'm like most dudes and don't wish to sweat the small stuff let alone make a convo of it.
    Shit happens, deal with it and move on to better more worthwhile things. Trouble is like Trond mentioned, miss something small and it can come back and bite you in the arse without us seeing it coming. Been guilty of that often but not going to change my "give a fuck" demeanour :)
     
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  6. jt _couple2012

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    Hey, that's why we complete each other. It's not wrong to be like this or that, this is how we were made.
     
  7. cbrmale

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    I have sometimes worked in mostly male work environments and sometimes worked in mostly female work environments, and there was a huge difference between the two. With the men it was define the problem, find a workable solution and then get it done! It was really simple, and the few women who were there liked this masculine approach. With female work environments I had problems because endless talking about things didn't make any progress on the issues in hand. I tended to just get in there and do it and deal with the repercussions later.

    I like to talk about bigger problems on my mind, because I know that a problem shared is a problem solved or something like that. I wouldn't want to be married to a woman who makes an issue out every, small thing though. I don't know if it's personality or culture but I think it's cultural, but my African wife tends to be like me and deals with the small things, discusses the bigger things with me, and discusses the things she can't work out with me. But it's not endless talk about every little thing. It may come from her upbringing when she was raised in the midst of a civil war, which would have put perspective on the big and little things in life.
     
  8. Trond

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    Yeah, there are lots of individual differences for sure, and cultural ones too. Among my four female cousins three are what I have found to be rather "typical" (as described above) but the fourth is very introverted and she almost never shares anything that's going on. It does not mean she is less feminine overall of course.

    But I find that men particularly are often told to "open up more" about all sorts of small things. Unless it is very serious I'm not sure that actually works for many of us.
     
  9. 10_3XL

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    The cultural thing - definitely. Most American men are raised with the Stoic Male Archetype (think: Clint Eastwood) set as How You Should Be. I look at the Men I looked to growing up for How To Behave and all of them were of that variety.
     
  10. cbrmale

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    There are always cultural differences in the broaders sense. Fortunately I have lived in a few different parts of the world and Australians are typically selfish and lazy, Germans are typically thorough and arrogant, and the French are typically arrogant as well. Even so the men of those places gave me the impression of being more inward-focussed and the women outward-focussed, although, say German women don't endless talk and carry-on as much as, say, Australian women. French women seemed to sit somewhere between those two extremes.
     
  11. sandwich

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    I don't talk about every little thing, but I do most of my processing about the bigger things out loud. When I do this I am careful who I pick to talk to because some just don't get that I don't need to be fixed or that I have no need for something to be solved even though one might think so. Just being listened to helps me get it all out of my head so then later on my own I decide what to do. If I want advice I will ask for it. Otherwise, just listen! I think men who understand this and are willing to listen but not fix have a real good sense of how (many) women are.

    I personally have never thought my husband or an ex needed to open up. That does not quite compute with me. My husband has a melancholy song writer in him, so I'd say he opens up more than my exes, but still it's not to the extent that I spill it. It works for us.
     
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  12. Doitagain

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    In my experience I will say this , I think that men do focus on the larger main issue and woman focus on all the little things. And as much as woman say they want guys to open up , when they actually do woman find that is not really what they want.

    It's a short summary and just my opinion.
     
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  13. 10_3XL

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    Don't ask me how I found THIS ARTICLE... but I did... and it is totally about this!
     
  14. thunderseed

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    I usually don't support gender stereotypes because I think they are a bunch of BS and that all people are just people but in this case I actually do see a huge difference in communication between genders in my life.



    Female Communication: Catty, all or nothing, mind games, overdramatic, ruthless, meanspirited, illogical

    Male Communication: Friendly, supportive, meaningful, emotional, profound, logical, simple, straight forward

    Literally, all the females I've known in my life are the ones who are closed off. The males are the ones who are eager to express themselves and develop a meaningful relationship even if just a friendly relationship, they are always more down to earth, very friendly, logical thinking and are very apt to open up to someone who will listen to them. I think it may be due to lifestyles. Men aren't able to talk to their male friends or family because they are taught to withhold their feelings and not to speak their truths at such a young age, so they really do love the chance to open up to folks (usually females) who can treat them like a normal human being. They always suffer such a bad reputation due to women constantly saying all men are bad. But women are also taught to be closed off, to not trust anyone around them, that the world is a dangerous place for a female, and they get so mean and vindictive with both men and women, unable to open up. Why, because they are taught to be jealous of and hate other women, they are taught to be weary of and to never open up to men or they will get hurt.
    So in this case, men are only taught to withhold their feelings from other men and their families, and generally are taught to be okay with approaching women and being kind to women, men are always super friendly to women, they give women compliments ALL the time, but women rarely do the same! Did you know that a lot of men suffer from low self esteem and bad body image, but that they can go through their entire life without ever being called attractive, except by their girlfriend or mother's, but a woman, she get's called beautiful almost every single day, and most of the time, by men, because a lot of women are too catty to compliment anyone, let alone eachother! I never knew so many guys were so effected by this until I started asking all my guy friends and reading around.
    Women are taught to withold their feelings from both men and women so I think that's why in a lot of cases, women are not as open as men are and are not as good as communicating as men are.
     
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  15. Doitagain

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    Wow. Very thought out . Well spoken and interesting
     
  16. thunderseed

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    My uncle is married to a german woman, and she is the most controlling, aggressive person I've ever met. You can tell who wears the pants, but my parent's always said that's just how the germans are, very blunt, straight forward, it's their way or the highway.
    I mean I wouldn't like to put a category on one group of peoples but if that is really part of their culture, I wouldn't like to go there, that's for sure.
     
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  17. Trond

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    I don't agree Thunderseed. Maybe that's your experience, but to me it looks like you just compared the worst of women to the best of guys. I often withdraw from pure guy groups because of their tendency for bragging, competitiveness, and sometimes overt aggressiveness.
     
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  18. cbrmale

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    I have had jobs where all but one or two of the workers were male, and jobs were all but one or two of the workers were female, and Thunderseed has it spot on. The women were bitchy, catty and they went on and on complaining about next to nothing. Within that workplace was a group of male drivers working for me and one had an anger management problem, and his colleagues pulled together to help him.

    In my male workplaces I noted the male way is to define the problem, find a workable solution and then get it done. If someone had a particular strength or weakness in some area, rather than drag him down as women tend to do, men will use that strength to better the overall outcome, and minimise the impact of any weaknesses. So the extrovert deals with clients, the introvert solves technical problems, the one who makes mistakes is managed more tightly and so on. Again, women tend not to do this.
     
  19. lbushwalker

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    I always o operate as a manager in an almost exclusive female work environment and can categorically state that females make the best team workers but only IF an Alphs male is in charge.
    It is a typical chicken run situation.
    I like, love and respect the female gender and therefore get the best from them. Also I rarely associate with males alone.
    I am a typical old lone bull happiest when with the cows and heifers :)
    Addendum; both my own line managers are Alpha females and I have no problems working with them either. They have my absolute loyalty and are smart enough to give me much autonomy.
     
    #19 lbushwalker, Sep 23, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
  20. 10_3XL

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    To me, as I read over the responses to this thread, it seems that it really doesn't end up being a matter of Man or Woman. It seems to me that "opening up" and all this other jive comes back to an individual's unique personality - regardless of gender, race, &c.