How can you tell if you're having a super orgasm? Your husband wakes up. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker. Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than Nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. Why is my penis bigger than yours? Because I'm jerking off right now. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade. What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip. Masturbation is cheap, clean, safe and satisfying... but it's lonely. If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change, are you being unfaithful? You masturbate too much if you can change hands without missing a stroke. How did Pinnochio discover he was made of wood? His right hand caught on fire. What did the horney toad say to the frog. RUBIT..RUBIT. What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince wakened Snow White from her deep sleep? Well, I guess it's back to jerking off!" What's the difference between a penis and a magic lanern? If you rub your dick 3 times, it's not a genie that's going to come. Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love. If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame." What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with it, the harder it gets! "A man convicted of masturbating in public has recieved a helping hand from a judge..." Either the judge is far too close to his work, or the proofreader isn't. How are masturbation and Euchre similar? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. How is life like a cock? When it's soft you can't beat it. What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep. If a guy breaks his left hand, how's his sex life? It's all right. What's this? (Make a fist and kiss each knuckle.) Foreplay before masturbation. What is the real definition of Miracle Whip? Successful masturbation by a 90-year-old man. What do you call a guy who sits in the balcony at a porno flick? A tier jerker! What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball? In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot. Jack is nimble, Jack is quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick What's it called when a Preppie masturbates? Jacuzzing Off. Did you hear about the guy that climbed to the top of the Empire State building to masturbate? Police didn't know whether to arrest him for indecent exposure or for Hijacking. Arnold Palmer was walking with his son. His son asked, "Dad, How do you JACK-OFF"??? Arnold replied, "Son, It's all in the wrist." Girl in movie theater: The man next to me is masturbating!" girlfriend: "Ignore him." Girl: "I can't, he's using my hand!" What happened when the armless guy attempted masturbation? He was stumped. How is a medieval masturbator like an ocean wave? They're both pounding serfs. What is the female equivalent to "pocket pool"? Playing the slots. Why do preachers masturbate? Because God helps those who help themselves. What's another term for jerking off? A gland slam. What's a masturbator's favorite holiday? Palm Sunday. "Did ya ever get caught beating-off in the closet?" "No!" "Pretty good hiding place, huh?" Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex." Well, I prefer to 'F,' but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'." Our protagonist goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says, "What's your problem?" The man says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole".. give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls... At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking... For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing... I then go home and slip the maid a few inches... Then at night I give the missus another screw... "Well," said the doctor. "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate." A furious pounding in the hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager was called and he let himself into the offending room. Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists. "Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel!" "Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep!" The Ten Commandments of Masturbating 1. I am the LORD, thy Rod. Thou shalt have no other rods before me. 2. Thou shalt make self-gratifying mental images. 3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy rod in vain. 4. Remember the seven ways to grip it wholly. 5. Honor thy right hand. Or thy left. 6. Thou shalt not cum prematurely. 7. Thou shalt not use thy neighbor's fist. 8. Thou shalt not peek at the rod of thy urinal neighbor. 9. Thou shalt not bare false wetness. 10. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's rod nor his manservant nor his anus.