Mastubation jokes

Discussion in 'Games and Jokes' started by lance49726, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. lance49726

    lance49726 Member

    Jun 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    How can you tell if you're having a super orgasm?
    Your husband wakes up.

    What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
    A tearjerker.

    Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than Nothing.
    Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.

    Why is my penis bigger than yours?
    Because I'm jerking off right now.

    Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
    Sperm is handmade.

    What's the difference between purple and pink?
    The grip.

    Masturbation is cheap, clean, safe and satisfying...
    but it's lonely.

    If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change,
    are you being unfaithful?

    You masturbate too much if you can change hands without missing a stroke.

    How did Pinnochio discover he was made of wood?
    His right hand caught on fire.

    What did the horney toad say to the frog.

    What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince wakened Snow White
    from her deep sleep?
    Well, I guess it's back to jerking off!"

    What's the difference between a penis and a magic lanern?
    If you rub your dick 3 times, it's not a genie that's going to come.

    Why do men like masturbation?
    Its sex with someone they love.

    If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame."

    What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
    The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!

    "A man convicted of masturbating in public has recieved a helping
    hand from a judge..."
    Either the judge is far too close to his work,
    or the proofreader isn't.

    How are masturbation and Euchre similar?
    You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

    How is life like a cock?
    When it's soft you can't beat it.

    What's the ultimate in rejection?
    When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

    If a guy breaks his left hand, how's his sex life?
    It's all right.

    What's this? (Make a fist and kiss each knuckle.)
    Foreplay before masturbation.

    What is the real definition of Miracle Whip?
    Successful masturbation by a 90-year-old man.

    What do you call a guy who sits in the balcony at a porno flick?
    A tier jerker!

    What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball?
    In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot.

    Jack is nimble, Jack is quick,
    but Jill prefers the candlestick

    What's it called when a Preppie masturbates?
    Jacuzzing Off.

    Did you hear about the guy that climbed to the top of
    the Empire State building to masturbate?
    Police didn't know whether to arrest him for indecent
    exposure or for Hijacking.

    Arnold Palmer was walking with his son.
    His son asked, "Dad, How do you JACK-OFF"???
    Arnold replied, "Son, It's all in the wrist."

    Girl in movie theater: The man next to me is masturbating!"
    girlfriend: "Ignore him."
    Girl: "I can't, he's using my hand!"

    What happened when the armless guy attempted masturbation?
    He was stumped.

    How is a medieval masturbator like an ocean wave?
    They're both pounding serfs.

    What is the female equivalent to "pocket pool"?
    Playing the slots.

    Why do preachers masturbate?
    Because God helps those who help themselves.

    What's another term for jerking off?
    A gland slam.

    What's a masturbator's favorite holiday?
    Palm Sunday.

    "Did ya ever get caught beating-off in the closet?"
    "Pretty good hiding place, huh?"

    Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
    Because his wife died.

    Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was
    filling one out the other day and I got to the part that
    says "Sex."
    Well, I prefer to 'F,' but I'm usually alone, so I had
    to circle 'M'."

    Our protagonist goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta
    help me!"
    The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
    The man says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"..
    give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
    On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife
    who gives me a blow job during the ride to work..
    Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go
    into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young
    office girls...
    At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
    For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing...
    I then go home and slip the maid a few inches...
    Then at night I give the missus another screw...
    "Well," said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
    The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

    A furious pounding in the hotel room late at night awakened a
    number of guests. The hotel manager was called and he let himself
    into the offending room. Inside, he found an elderly man cursing
    and banging away on the wall with both fists.
    "Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole
    "Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection
    I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep!"

    The Ten Commandments of Masturbating

    1. I am the LORD, thy Rod. Thou shalt have no other rods before me.

    2. Thou shalt make self-gratifying mental images.

    3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy rod in vain.

    4. Remember the seven ways to grip it wholly.

    5. Honor thy right hand. Or thy left.

    6. Thou shalt not cum prematurely.

    7. Thou shalt not use thy neighbor's fist.

    8. Thou shalt not peek at the rod of thy urinal neighbor.

    9. Thou shalt not bare false wetness.

    10. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's rod nor his manservant nor
    his anus.
    Englishman likes this.
  2. lance49726

    lance49726 Member

    Jun 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had
    plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except
    play with himself.
    After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't
    even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he
    started to lose his sanity.
    One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship
    in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed
    on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to
    come his way!
    He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved!
    The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're
    going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have
    a nice dinner.
    I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her
    cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to
    take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
    At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his
    shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!

    A Shakespearean actor was being interviewed by the press.
    "Did you ever have a really embarrassing experience?"
    "Well, yes. One experience I will never forget was when my mother
    caught me playing with myself."
    "Oh we all did that when we were kids."
    "Yes, but this was last night."

    He was a dysfunctional male patient and the sex therapist
    was advising him on the release that could be obtained through
    "Oh but I do get pleasure from my organ," he replied.
    "I frequently grasp my penis and hold it tight. It's a habit
    with me."
    "Well, it's a habit you'll have to shake," said the therapist.

    A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat
    conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity,
    he took the seat.
    As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind
    him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
    The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
    A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off
    her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off
    again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."
    Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
    After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched
    off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind
    our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
    Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the
    hell up, will ya!"
    A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and
    snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club
    went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend
    turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?
    The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

    Facts about Masturbation

    Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behaviour In The Human Male" 98% of males
    (including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per
    week. (and,... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)
    (Kinsey, et al. 1948)

    Current population - 133,189,539 *MEN* in the United States
    ( 7PM-EDT 02/04/99)

    1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

    133,189,539 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week
    = 399,568,617 wack-offs/week

    6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week
    = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

    399,568,617 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
    = 396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

    396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor)
    = 388,469 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

    At any given moment (on average), 388,469 men in the United States are

    So,... be careful who you shake hands with!

    My next door neighbor was at a club the other night with
    her boyfriend, when the topic came around to masturbation.
    We noticed that there were all kinds of terms for men doing
    it, but there weren't any euphemistic phrases for women
    doing the same thing. We asked my neighbor what she called it.
    Giving a scornful look at her boyfriend, she muttered,
    "Finishing The Job!"

    It was a very cold night, so the three homeless men huddled
    together to keep warm.
    The next morning, the one on the right said, "I had a dream
    that someone was pulling my dick."
    The one on the left said, "I also had a dream that someone
    was pulling my dick!"
    "You guys are weird," said the third. "In my dream,
    I was skiing."

    Ann and Sophie, both in their 50's, are having lunch when Sophie,
    looking very serious says, "Ann, it's mine and Harry's 25th wedding
    anniversary next month, and I would really like to give him something
    special. I've never given him a handjob and I know how desperately he
    wants one, but Ann, I don't know how to give one...what should I do?
    Ann takes her friend aside and says, "Go and get yourself a ketchup
    bottle. You have a month to practice."
    One month later, on their anniversary, while Sophie and Harry are
    in bed, Sophie tells Harry that she has a special present for him and
    when he finds out its a handjob he becomes hard with anticipating.
    Sophie takes his penis and grips it with one hand and says, "Here
    goes...I hope you like it."
    Sophie then takes her other hand and smacks the end of his penis
    with the palm of her hand three times.

    One night, Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks.
    Every time we make love I get splinters."
    So Pinocchio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice.
    Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."
    A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinocchio and says,
    "So how are you doing with the girls now?"
    Pinocchio says, "Who needs girls?"

    Two newlyweds were talking on the first night of their honeymoon and
    they decided to set up signals concerning their "urges".
    The wife said "If you want it, squeeze my boob once, if you don't want
    it, squeeze my boob twice."
    The husband replied "OK, if you want it, pull my dong once, if you
    don't want it, pull my dong 100 times."

    The young novice soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent
    was a problem. She confessed to mother superior that it was unhealthy
    and she was restless.
    "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
    "I've tried that," she said, "but you get tired of the same thing
    wick in and wick out."

    A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed
    by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need
    a man, I need a man!"
    Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
    One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked
    into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into
    his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
    stroking himself, and moaning,
    "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
    Nebulosity8669 likes this.
  3. lance49726

    lance49726 Member

    Jun 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    A farmer steps behind the barn one day and finds his son jerking off.
    "Son save it for marriage." he says.
    Five years later on his wedding day the son turns to his father and
    says, "Paw, I've got five gallons, now what?"

    Pete had passed his 29th birthday and was still not married,
    so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married.
    Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating
    in the garden shed.
    "What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once
    you got married."
    "But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it.
    Her little arms get tired."

    Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been
    carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and
    wheelchair bound. Every night they would meet in the TV Room. Edna
    would passively hold Bill's Penis, and they would watch TV for an
    hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.
    One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next
    two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him
    happily wheeling about the grounds.
    She confronted him and said, "Where were you the past couple of
    He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."
    "Bastard,", she cried. "What were you doing?"
    "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
    "Is she prettier or younger than I am?", she asked.
    "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
    "Well then, what does she have that I don't?", Edna asked.
    Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."

    The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a
    clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
    "What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
    The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
    "OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
    The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and
    said,"It 2 o'clock."
    The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"
    The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked
    Indian laying on a blanket. "Don't tell me...You're telling time also?"
    The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
    "Okay smartass, what time is it?"
    The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says,
    "It 4 o'clock."
    The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours
    later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
    "Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"
    Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"

    The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems
    of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing
    and sheing to stand up!"
    Half of his congregation stood up.
    He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and
    heing to stand up!"
    A couple of men stood up.
    He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing
    and sheing to stand up!"
    Several women stood up.
    The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that
    everyone was standing except Little Johnny.
    The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at
    Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
    Little Johnny, stand up...I guess you are the only one here
    who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do
    you have to say!"
    Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing
    about meing and meing!"

    Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good
    and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets
    me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the
    first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start
    getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's
    a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over
    the ship. I don't know what to do!"
    The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick
    in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then
    you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew
    that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
    "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out
    a bag of gold every trip!"
    "Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port,
    take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make
    into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
    The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's
    advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off
    to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began
    filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the
    captain sold the barrels for a huge profit.
    'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able
    to buy a new boat!'
    This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened
    back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain
    was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the
    cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
    "You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels
    you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
    "Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
    "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent,
    and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

    A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
    finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice
    restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the
    way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
    They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
    reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and
    wants to stay that way.
    "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
    "EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing
    in my mouth!"
    He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done
    that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
    "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
    shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
    She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she
    grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his
    head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run
    out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
    "What's wrong?!" she cries out.
    Nebulosity8669 and Wandererer like this.