Married for 1 year, looking for advice......

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by skippy24060, Jul 19, 2011.

  1. skippy24060

    skippy24060 New Member

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    I have been a member here for a little while now, I just have never posted, been more of a reader. I am posting now because I am looking for some advice to help my relationship. This post has the potential to be very long, but I am going to make it brief as possible, but still going to try and cover the important parts.

    My wife and I have been together for over 4 years and married for just over 1. When we first started dating, everything was great, we really were in love and had sex all the time, it was perfect. After we had been dating for a while she got HPV and went to the doctor. The doctor treated it for a while and it went away. While she was being treated we were advised not to have sex, so we didn't. I can’t remember how long she was treated for, but it felt like forever. After treatment, I thought things would return to normal, but man was I wrong. We went from having sex at least once a day to having sex once a week or so. Her having HPV was a traumatic experience for her, but myself and the doctor tried to assure her that it was common, but that didn’t seem to help. She said that since she got it, she just felt gross and didn’t even feel like being intimate at all. Being that I loved he so much, I figured we would take the time to work on it, so we did. Things got a little better, but not what it was before. Things continued to be so so for a while, just having sex once in a while, and never anything exciting or new, always missionary/boring sex.

    Since we have been married, things have just hit a wall. We are lucky to have sex once a month, no exaggeration at all. It is very pathetic. I try to talk to her about it, but she blames me saying that I don’t try and that I never give an effort to love on her. I don’t feel this way at all, I feel that I show interest a lot, but when I do she just kind of ignores it. Like last night, we were cuddling on the couch watching TV and I made a point to try and be intimate with her, but she just pushed me away and said she was just too tired. It seems that there is always an excuse, and it’s getting old. I have even gone as far as not showing any interest just to see if she would notice and then she would try to initiate some romance, but nothing.

    The first thought you guys may have is that she is cheating, and to be honest, the thought has run through my mind as well. I have even mentioned something to her before and she denies it, and I can’t seem to find any evidence of it either. I know all of her passwords to email, and I get the phone bill sent to me and it tracks all of the calls and text messages sent, and there is nothing out of the ordinary.....

    I am just at a loss and looking for some help here..........
     
  2. backcheck64

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    I wouldn't go to the cheating just yet. It was an ordeal for her, she may need a little counseling if she is that over the top about feeling dirty. What you percieve as attention, she may not. Helping around the house actually gets my wife going. Show more attention than just for sex. Just a touch here or there, a quick hug and kiss while getting dinner ready.... If she absolutely won't do anything about it, then I'd suspect an affair.
     
  3. igor

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    How did she get HPV?
     
  4. AGFUNK

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    I agree with this^ When I got hpv when I was younger it was very traumatic. Did she have the type that causes cancer or warts? Either way if she was treated and doesn't have it anymore and she still feels bad you should talk to her about it and if that doesn't help then she needs counseling. You could also complement her more, it might help with making her feel better about herself. Just reassure her that you still love her and that you don't think badly of her.

    http://www.sexualforums.com/14332-serious-question-please-help.html#post177843
     
    #4 AGFUNK, Jul 19, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2011
  5. cbrmale

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    So to clarify: you were having a lot of sex at first, she had an outbreak of HPV and you regressed to boring sex once a week, then you got married and since THEN you have sex about once a month. This is sequence, yes?

    This is a common enough happening, and it doesn't take HPV, indeed your current sexual frequency seems to be related to marriage rather than HPV. We have had a lot of posts like this, I have had men confess a similar sequence to me, and there have been numerous studies on this: attempting to correlate variables such as partner's education (the wives of better educated men are more likely to remain sexually active) and partner's income (the wives of well-paid men are more likely to remain sexually active). Remember though, this is mostly subconscious, the wife with the husband who could be attractive to other women subconsciously uses sex to prevent him from straying. The converse is true: having got her man she subconsciously isn't much interested in sex anymore. Current research is correlating female testosterone and sexual frequency and sexual desire, as it seems that some cultures suffer from this decline of female sexual desire and others not. Testosterone is thought to be part of this process. Women often post about wives losing interest in sex because of the rigours of raising children, but so far there's been no correlation with that variable. It just seems to be culture, time together, education and money.

    All of that should convince you that she's probably not having an affair, and what you are suffering from is normal, albeit more asexual than most. But I think it's fair to say that many men who have been married for several years desire more sex than they get, and the men who do have healthy, sexual marriages are very, very lucky.

    If I was subjected to boring sex once a month and was unable to negotiate something better, I would do one of two things. One would be to find a lover and the other would be to leave. Fortunately for me I have a few things going for me: my wife is African, not Anglo, I am better educated than her and I am very well renumerated. Another bonus is we are very democratic with household chores: she cooks and cleans the house, I manage the finances, look after the big garden, clean and maintain the cars and so on. She does more than me, but it's close to being even. I love her a lot and she always knows it, and more importantly our love and affection is not related to. Rarely do I hold her, hug her or kiss her expecting sex to follow: it's just something to show her how precious she is to me.

    Nonetheless there was a time when my sex life was rather limiting from my perspective, and I sought to add variety, which she resisted. That's when I took a lover and my wife guessed there was another woman, and after that she made a bigger effort.

    So there you go. Democracy in the household may help, if it's not already there. Totally non-sexual affection may help, if it's not already there. The one big question though is do you love her and does she love you? A lot of couples aren't deeply and totally in love, they just get on well together and drift into a relationship, and drift into marriage, and all the ingredients aren't there. Your understanding of love might be very different to my understanding of love, and if so then this is a case of you don't know what you don't know. How can a person know there is a bigger, fuller, richer love out there if they don't know it even exists? My observation is that many couples aren't in love the way I know love, and some couples are lucky to be in love the way I know love, and one couple who crossed my path very recently have an even more fuller, richer and intense love than I know (very lucky couple indeed).