Married, 30, and Children

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by CoachT, Feb 5, 2011.

  1. CoachT

    CoachT New Member

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    So, I have been a long time reader - first time poster. Hope I don't jump into this too quick but I have a problem that has been pestering me for a while.

    My wife and I used to have a great sex life - that is, until our children came along ( I guess a byproduct of a good sex life huh?). I love my children more than anything and would not give them up for anything so don't misread my post.

    Problem is, our sex life is basically non-existent now. We still have sex but it seems so routine and rushed. I am always the pursuer never the pursuee. I have tried many different ways to spice it up but to no avail. Examples:
    1) Told or Texted her what was on my mind and ideas for that night
    2) Instead of just outright asking, I told or texted her that I thought she was beautiful, sexy, and irresistable hoping to spike her interest.
    3) Have blatently asked for her to take a nice relaxing bath (really important for working mother of two), wear lingerie, drink wine and see where it goes.
    4) We love to watch movies so I found movies that are more erotic hoping to enhance things - still nothing.
    5) Backed off and didn't say a word about it. Went two months without sex or even touching.
    6) Try to let her know how I feel about her every chance I get.
    7) I have even acted like a child and acted upset about it. Changed for a night - next day. . . .same old same!!

    I am at an ends here - don't know what to do. So my question is to those of you that have children or not but preferably around our age. But have you and your wife (or husband) been in this situation? Was it more them than you? What did you do to get out of the slump or am I in for the long haul?

    Thanks in advance for all of the suggestions!!
     
  2. lbushwalker

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    That CT is the reality of having children :(
    Be patient it will pass (eventually) but be sure that yours is a very normal situation.
    Get to know Mrs Palmer and her 5 daughters real well.
    Good luck mate.
     
  3. nurseharley

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    unfortunately this seems to be very common with married couples. maybe she is just too tired or doesn't quite feel sexy anymore? my sister is married with a child and her husband complains all too often about how they don't have sex anymore. she has told me she's almost always too tired and stressed out to even think about sex or want it, but also her body has changed after her first pregnancy and she isn't as comfortable with herself as she used to be.

    you've tried multiple things and they haven't worked, so i'm not really sure what else you can do. just don't pressure her or make it out to be a big deal - more than likely that will just push her away even more.

    maybe you should take her to a lingerie store? :D have her pick out some things she likes and have her try them on, make her feel sexy, and maybe she'll start to feel sexy and a little more playful too? i'm not always sure what works with other women!
     
  4. CoachT

    CoachT New Member

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    Thanks for the replies so far. She has a ton of lingerie - that we have picked out together. We have toys, lubes, movies, you name it. We used to use it all - now, I should probably just sell it in a garage sale!!
     
  5. HardRocker

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    We had our first child at 29, that was 26 years ago. I worked full time and she stayed home until he was about 4 years old when she went back to work. Our sex life was great, right up until the time she delivered, and the next decade sounds similar to your story.

    My best suggestion is to find a way to Make time once every month for a date. If it can be worked out, a night or two at a motel is even better. I know it's not always easy to find a sitter. We were lucky enough that our parents would bail us out and not call us with idiotic questions while we were away. We had friends who had their babies at the same time we did, so sleepovers were another option. And sometimes we would provide the same service for our friends, taking their brats for a night.

    In any case these are opportunities to get close and leave some of the parenting behind. It gave us an opportunity to remember we were still husband and wife first, and parents second. That's part of demonstrating to the kids how a relationship should work, so it's good for them too.
     
    #5 HardRocker, Feb 5, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2011
  6. cbrmale

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    There seems to be two outcomes after children: no sex or sex which is routine and rushed. The former is very common, and I ended up with the latter, like you, which I think is better than the former. My situation ended up being the catalyst for my affair at the time! Later, when my wife guessed about the other woman, she offered to be more sexual again, but I don't recommend that to be the solution to your problem, even though it worked for me!

    I once read is that women subconciously transfer the love they feel towards their husband to the love they now feel for their children, leaving us men on the outer.

    I don't know if there is a solution, other than my affair and her guessing there was another woman in my life (jealousy is a big motivator). It is very common, for example I did some website work for upper-class escorts in our city, who admitted the backbone of their clientelle were married men who had no sex or wanted something more than mechanical and routine sex.
     
  7. CoachT

    CoachT New Member

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    WOW cbr!! You are lucky (I guess) because I really don't see my wife acting the same way as yours did. I have been threatened for the entire marriage that if I cheat, She will cut my dick off!! Her words!! I am not sure I want to risk it - LOL.

    On another note, I do not desire another woman - in fact, the reason I guess it bothers me so much is because I am still infatuated with her - I am still in the LUST phase, if you will.

    After reading the comments on here it sounds like it is a normal part of a marriage and having a family. I just hate it - I have this funny feeling that about the time she decides she wants to start having sex I am going to hit the pinnacle of my career and thus be too stressed to have the urge myself. Or medical reasons will catch up with me - you never know. I wish that men and women would go through cycles together but instead I have read that I am now in the peak of my sexual being and she won't hit hers for another 10 years. Any truth to this?
     
  8. cbrmale

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    I didn't desire another woman either, but I was travelling a lot and sexually frustrated and she was travelling a lot and sexually frusatated and... It happens. Most marriages survive affairs, and after a while we recognised I'm just not built for just one woman, but that's another story.

    A woman's peak is whatever she wants it to be. In the West, I think it takes a long time for women to shake of the shackles of guilt over sexual desire and really be comfortable doing what they always wanted to do. In Asia, for example, younger women in their twenties are more rampantly and experimentatively sexual than women here at their 'peak'.

    One of the catalysts for my affair was my concern over my health and the future too. I had an illness which caused nerve damage affecting my legs, but could have resulted in me becoming paraplegic (technically, I am). So that was a real awakener, and a motive for me to pursue my wife to the nth degree, and then take another option.

    I don't know the answer and I wish I did, because I feel you're a lot like me.
     
  9. Moon

    Moon New Member

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    Hi CoachT, what has happened seems to be normal, it was like that for me and my husband as well, although we had a few extra stressors thrown in for good measure.
    What I've learnt is the old phrase 'communication is the key' is spot on. Forget the games, take her out somewhere quiet and speak plainly and simply to her.
    If money is an issue then take her for a romantic walk but just tell her calmly and clearly - from your heart - your wants, needs and fears.
    With any joy she will end up doing most of the talking and it is then that you must listen and take note and hopfully get back on track (or at least towards it!!)
    Good luck
     
  10. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    A few thoughts for you, coach.

    1. I agree with what another poster here theorized: she might simply be tired - dead tired. If that's the main issue, then a text, or lingerie, or a movie, or even a bubble bath won't address the root of the problem. Those things don't make you less exhausted. Have you tried getting up about an hour early, and working on housework like a madman, so that she has less to keep up with during her day? Ever come home from work for lunch, and let her get out of the house for a bit? Ever taken one of your vacation days, and played househusband for a day, and given her time off from parenting?

    2. As for whether or not this is short-term or long-haul, hard to say. This varies between couples. Some end up bitter toward each other, some stay stuck in a sexual rut, others get back into it with a vengeance for lost time! Whatever you do, though, don't sell any of your gear at your next garage sale, or on eBay, for that matter! If she comes out of this funk, you'll be kicking yourself sooo hard....

    3. You've omitted a few key pieces of information, such as: How long as this slump been going on? A few months? Or a few years? A few months may be just a passing phase. A few years might me it's time to patiently turn the ship around. Also, how old are your kids? Do you have a lock on your bedroom door yet? If you've got a kid who can walk and open a doorknob, it's time to put a privacy lock on your bedroom door. Don't let a nice Saturday afternoon opportunity go by because the kids are walking around.

    4. You mentioned a possible tragic irony - that when she gets back into the swing of things, you're going to be the one who is wiped out. Think about that a little bit harder, and imagine it comes to pass. (Maybe your career is catching up with you; maybe you've been sidelined with an injury). Then, ask yourself, "How would you want her to handle that, if the situation really WAS reversed?" Nag you? Find another man? Then, treat her the same way you would like her to handle the situation, were it reversed. If you can get through this phase showing a lot of patience and understanding, that can often pay of big dividends later on. Many women find it much easier to be sexually adventurous with men they can respect and trust, so, who knows? You might be building up a lot of stock for the next chapter of your sexual lives. Don't let discouragement triumph just yet...
     
  11. backcheck64

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    Married 9 yrs and 32 she was 30 when we had our first, second was 20 months later, she was a SAHM for 12 yrs of it. We almost went down that path, but before it got to that point, sat down together and made an agreement, no matter what was going on, sex twice a week, lingerie at least one of those. Then the economy hit and she went back to work. Per keeping the agreement alive, I do as much around the house as she does, I do more of the cooking, I run the kids to hockey, lacrosse, and orchestra pratice, we share road game duty becasue often they are playing in different cities and states. She won't let me touch the laudry though....something about my all in one load practice. At first it may seem a little routine and forced...but she remembered even with all that's going in..and believe me it gets worse, much much worse as far as running, she really likes sex...and it relaxes her. So now we are back to the fun sex, never less than twice a week, but usually 3 or 4. And we take a weeks vacation a year without the kids and have a cycling, hiking, golfing, surfing, fuckfest.

    And always enforce a bed time on the kids. At a young age it was 8pm, now at 12 and almost 14, they have to be in their rooms at 930 on school nights, they can read their kindles or study, but in their rooms. By establishing proper bedtimes, it regulates their bodies better and give you guys some time to relax and get busy....and the bedroom door does lock.
     
  12. Skeptix

    Skeptix New Member

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    I agree with this 100%.

    I can't add much to this aside from finding ways to pamper her and make her know she is appreciated. Find a way for her to get some serious rest...sleep can do wonders for a mother of very young kids. Find ways that she can get out and do her own thing while you take care of the kids and clean up. Freedom and getting out of the house can do wonders for a mother of very young kids. Give her a back massage unasked-for. My lady often promises me a blow job if I give her one. They make her VERY happy and to me it's an awesome trade. ;)
     
  13. EscortBunny69

    EscortBunny69 New Member

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    Maybe CT it could just be needing a little TLC. We went a bit dry in that dept for a while and yes it was me but Mr Bunny would talk to me and understand, not pressurise or call me selfish, even though I was.

    It does take some time as now not only does she have to see to you she has two children, the bills, work, housework, cooking, etc and somewhere in there she has to find sometime for herself and I will guaruntee you she won't.

    Why not do somethings for her even small things like hoovering, or cooking a nice dinner to show you care and love her for who she is.

    Mine was post natal and I didn't realise till 2yrs later.......:rose Good luck
     
  14. Alwayslearningsex

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    Not all women or men are the same, my ex didn't lose her sex drive after kids. All I can say is that unfortunately it's reality, a fact of life which your wife was affected by. This may come back, it does for some, a friend of the ex got it back after her kids were older but don't take it as a given for now. Good communication, support, helping your wife at home, etc goes a loooooong way. Don't do it in expectation and never keep a score card,
    how many things you have done, etc, just be there emotionally, mentally and physically, go on dates alone with her, or with couples sometimes.
     
  15. soon2b4

    soon2b4 New Member

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    This is exactly what I have been going through for years. My wife and I have been together for almost 17 years. We have had sex since the 3rd week after we met. So, it is a long time to have been having sex. I love my wife too, and I find her even more attractive now than I did before.

    There is no real solution. One thing I have found though, is when she is rested I get it more and it is good. One thing I have done is gave her a weekend away by herself to sleep as much as she wanted or just relax without the noise and stress of the kids. We have 3. I am 37 and she is going to be 36 next week. She is now 7 weeks pregnant with #4 (hence the screenname. When we were trying for a new baby she was always in the mood. The minute she found out she was pregnant NOTHING until like 2 months after the baby was born.

    Once she has motivation or is rested things are better. she has now agreed to do something sexually every Saturday. It is basically just going through the motions but at least she is trying.

    Patience is the only thing if you want to stay with her.
     
  16. HardRocker

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    Andretti's point number one (post #10) reminded me to add that men frequently are woefully unaware of how hard their wives work. Between the children and household chores it can really be draining, physically and emotionally. Even if you do an even share of the load, you may want to consider picking it up a few notches and see if this might help. I have heard a lot of wives say the sexiest man is the one cleaning, dusting and chasing screaming children. And if it doesn't help right away, just keep it up and see how things go.
     
  17. Stefanie

    Stefanie New Member

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    This is SUCH an awesome post I had to ditto it! :bow

    To add to this: I don't think it has to be a "normal" thing that "just happens." I help couples get the spark back in their romance all the time, so I just don't believe this is an inevitable conclusion to relationships (with or without kids). Relationships take work and communication. Lots of it. Daily.

    To the OP: have you asked her why she isn't in the mood anymore and told her how much you desire her and miss your sex life together? You've told us a lot, but I wonder if you've told her the same thing. She can't read your mind, and you need to tell her all this.

    Is it a lack of energy or a total lack of sex drive? Could she be depressed? She may need to see a doctor. If it's a lack of sex drive, depression could cause it, as could any medications or birth control she is on. She may need to switch BC or something if that's the case. If it's not a physical problem that can be corrected, you might suggest arousal creams. . . but that can be a touchy subject to introduce if either party could be sensitive about it.
     
  18. gphine

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    It's with a great deal of trepidation that I post about this subject, because my experience isn't so much advice as it is a cautionary tale. Fortunately you've recognized the warning signs early; being somewhat more of a typical male, I either ignored them or chose to believe that they weren't insurmountable.

    I could not have been more wrong.

    The issues I was sweeping under the rug - fatigue, distance, seperation, were all vitally important to the sustainability of my marriage. Crucially. And just when things were seemingly getting back on track, our second came along. The same issues surfaced, only this time they were exacerbated by increasing time pressures - running here and there, picking up/dropping off, work pressures.... all with sleep deprivation constantly lurking in the background. And then, one morning, you wake up and realize you haven't had sex with your wife in over a month. As a man, the cruelest irony is how lonely you can become in a home with your family.

    It ain't healthy.

    Speaking of my own culpability now, if I had a "do over" I would be far less selfish with my time. I was off, doing my own thing far too often and for too many hours. Instead of burning off vacation time to cover for sick days, doctor's appointments, etc., I would go back and take that time off with the family. We were so busy worried about everything and everyone else that we forgot - neglected to worry about each other.

    Spend more alone time with your wife. If you don't, it's at your and your marriage's peril. And when you do have an evening out or a quiet moment to yourselves, try not to talk about the kids.

    Once again, good for you for facing this head on - you'll be fine. My self-deception in this area has been less than.... helpful.