making her orgasm any way...

Discussion in 'Sexual Foreplay and Techniques' started by allnitelong, Oct 3, 2010.

  1. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    hi all,

    > challenge - making her orgasm any possible way. :(

    > problem #1 - she is not a communicator.

    • she's timid and all I have been able to gather is she can have multiple orgasms with a vibrator (never fingers). Dismissed my question if she ever came with anyone...(I don't think so) and in general is not talkative about sex.
    > problem #2 - she is not allowing me to go down on her!!! ( I know this sounds ridiculous)

    • Yet, - she SHAVES!! (in my mind this doesn't match up...)
    • She's told me she was never hurt there, and at some point "let" others go down on her (-doubt it - as why would one stop?), but she starts resisting and pushing me away, and only recently I got some "temporary access", only after I told her that I really wanted to -for "myself", but she was extremely tense and in a two minutes I got: "ok, enough" -(...now one could doubt my ability - but she will not let me even try it once, so it's not "me" - what I feel is she cannot ...relax, - get into that "sex zone" somehow... one time she told me - "but what would I do, when you down there?!" -!!!! )
    > problem #3 - she seems to have some concentration issues

    • she closes her eyes when we have intercourse. seeing as far as i understand distracts her.

    it rather upsets me, as through out the years I've learned to satisfy a woman first, and couldn't even come first couple of days, until she told me i had to (!)...

    any advice/ suggestions? - of course there is more, - I'm just trying to piece some signs / details together in my head to see if there is something else I can do...

    thanks all!
     
  2. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    The only thing that I can tell you to do is to try to relax and realize that this sort of thing rarely works itself out quickly, so you may be in for a long ride in working this out.

    Secondly, there's not much that you can actually DO other than to talk talk talk to her about it......as much as she'll let you without making her uncomfortable, that is. Because it seems to me that most of the issues are on her end. So she'll have to decide whether to work them out, or leave them like they are.

    FWIW.....I have a somewhat similar issue with communication with my girl. She doesn't like to talk about sex much at all. So getting to the bottom of some issues is difficult with us too. Most of the time, she just keeps her issues to herself.
     
  3. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    I hear you, thanks!...
    just need to get more creative on my end :)
     
  4. lbushwalker

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    Hi Allnightlong,
    I assume that this is a fairly recent relationship and that neither of you has yet got the measure of one another. Clearly she is uncomfortable with sex in general and doing it with you reluctantly in a rather passive & restricted manner.
    As previously mentioned communication and building of trust is the probable key here.
    I would suggest to go slow and get to know her more before pursuing sexual exploration. If you care enough you will invest that time and ultimately be rewarded many times over. Talk to her about anything and everything including sex but not while she is naked and feeling vulnerable.
    Good luck, I think that this is a challenge worth pursuing.
     
  5. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    Hi Ibushwalker,

    - Ay!!
    How perceptive of you!
    I'm afraid you might be totally right! :(
    I think I've just been in denial, as this has lingered in the back of my mind... (and yes - the connection is quite recent)

    I suppose I've been trying to light the fire from the wrong end, having assumed she is just shy and allowing myself to get excited too early. I guess what confused me is positive feedback i got from her when i thought the time we spent was great, and we usually do have fairy good time outside of sex as well. But unfortunately we see each other practically only on the weekends, which has not allowed us to really get closer.

    Thank you very much!

    P.S. very glad to have joined this forum, as although I'm very outspoken, this isn't something I want to seek advice from those I know.
     
  6. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    Yeah sometimes a little anonymity is a great thing huh?
     
  7. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

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    lbush is 100% spot on - get to know her, let her know that you want to "get her" as a person first. I can't say this applies to all women of course, but for me - him wanting to know *me* is the premise of me getting to that sexual place in my head. This happens through trust and trust is not earned unless people know each other right?
     
  8. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    And there is another scenario, that is extremely likely that explains everything.



    This is for those that might get a kick out of my "drama" and speculations, as well as a way for me to alleviate some pressure from my thoughts by spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers, but also maybe to possibly get a counter perspective as this below hurts me at the moment :)


    In a new turn of connecting dots, yesterday I had a eureka moment that almost made me sick in the stomach.

    I remembered that the girl I’m seeing now and spoke of earlier in this post lives with a roommate that had been also a good friend. Then I remembered how when we started dating and I was walking her to the train station - I was about to buy flowers, without her seeing it, but she saw it and begged me not buy them, and she will explain later; she has told me that at some point her roommate-friend got interested in her “romantically” but she made to him clear that she is not interested in him "that" way, but wanted to stay "friends", and that she doesn't want to “hurt his feelings” by bringing flowers home and making it obvious that she’s going out. :)


    I told her jokingly, that it appeared to me like she was trying to leave him unaware of me in case things don't work out between us - but she denied it and told me it was "purely" a friendship. :) I didn’t want to pressure her at the time but didn’t think further on this...

    I have absolutely no idea how THIS wasn't obvious to me before :)
    And although I'm not against polygamous relationships, the thought of her living and POSSIBLY still sleeping with her maybe boyfriend(?) AND then coming to see me, obviously for reasons other then sexual, maybe even a bit “worn out” (!!) (since thinking back now, I feel she doesn’t really initiate anything herself) turns my stomach.

    Now she totally doesn’t appear to be a slut or promiscuous – on the opposite, and maybe that’s why this possibility comes as a shock? Or is it because I apparently have some feelings for her? Is it because I feel somewhat tricked? (but we never discussed getting serious in our relationship, so not that I have basis to be angry, I’m not…)

    What makes me more sick, I think, is the thought that she might be having sex with him out of inertia, or because she is submissive and without enjoying it and not because she still cares for him, but because she still lives with him! (she has mentioned moving a couple of times…)

    Now at the moment these are speculations, but they seem to be making sense. I don’t know yet what my plan of actions is, she’s away, so it gives me some time to contemplate, not that I can avoid thinking about this anyway...

    Any thoughts this? Maybe someone who still believes in good in people can offer a slightly different scenario on the situation? Looking for "straws" here.



    Thank you.



    P.S. (she does work full time and goes to school which requires her to study a lot the whole week, so there is a possibility that she's just dead tired to want to have sex, rather then from having it with him...)
     
  9. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    You asked for some advice from someone who sees good in people. I'm one of those people and your last post struck a chord with me. I've been in a similar position a few years ago. First off all I can say is unless you have proof she is sleeping with her room mate then I would take her at her word. If she hasn't given you reason to doubt her, then don't. Those kinds of thoughts are only destructive and will get in the way of anything you might be trying to build with her. For your own sanity just believe what she tells you until she gives you reason not to. You said the room mate has feelings for her but she did not feel the same way. I would just take her at her word. There could be many reasons why she either can't or won't move out of her current living arrangement. They could be financial or contractual. Maybe she has a lease she can't break. Maybe it's situated close to her work or college.

    If she says she is not sleeping with her room mate then you should take her at her word, not harbor destructive thoughts, and instead concentrate your thoughts on building a relationship with her. The sex will follow when she's comfortable in a relationship with you.

    Now I definitely do not want to sound rude here, but I've been through a similar destructive thought process myself. In the end I snapped out of it in time, but only just before I started making wild accusations that would have cost me a relationship with a great friend. Trust me there is nothing to be gained from such thoughts. I am now older and wiser and have learned it is good to trust people.

    You said she has discussed moving out of where she is now, if she wants to move maybe it might help to find out why she can't or won't. Maybe you can help her maybe you can't, but it will be more constructive.

     
  10. HardRocker

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    Welcome back, Martin.
     
  11. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    Thankyou. I've been visiting just not active.
     
  12. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    Thank you Martin for your time and attempt at seeing this a bit more positively.
    I am naturally more negative, and easily turn cynic and downright nihilistic in times when it would be good to "leave some light in the tunnel".

    - Wanted to reply with some actual thoughts on this, but have not had time to write. Will be back. thanks again.
     
  13. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    Hi Vanja,
    I certainly have tried this, but to tell you the truth, I think she may not be interested in having "more", = either for the reason that she is very busy in her life right now - she MIGHT be preferring something without too many strings attached(?), or for the reason I have mentioned in post below yours- the assumption that she already/still has someone...

    It does all come back to some form of trust. I have felt that she seems to mask something sometimes, there might be something that she doesn't talk to me about - but I have ignored it and now I think I might need to address it.

    The bottom line, I suppose, - it's all about expectations.
    Sexually, I may not mind some polygamous relationship, but right now, I might have been hoping for something more normal, - without third party, as things, I feel, are complicated enough in my life...

    thanks.


     
  14. loveit247

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    I hate having oral performed on me and I shave. Not sure what the hell liking being shaved has to do with oral but anyway. I just don't like it. I also don't like coming with fingers because a vibrator is more intense, and is quicker. Men often don't know how or where to touch to make me come and to be honest, trying to teach them usually doesn't work.
     
  15. lbushwalker

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    That is an interesting tangential divergence there Lovit24/7 :)
    Not sure tho' how that might assist poor allnightlong with his jealousies.
    But on your theme; men can be taught to do stuff but some of us need tutoring and be shown and told how as it is not always instinctive to take hints with our gender.
     
  16. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    Hi loveit24/7, thanks for your post.
    Please tell me how else do you come besides viobrator? Or do u?
    Because i've known someone that wasn't crazy for oral as well, but she could have great orgasms with intercourse...
    And finally how you prefer to be pleased?

    Obviously i'm looking for some paralells.
    Thanks much.



    Thanks.
     
  17. allnitelong

    allnitelong New Member

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    -----
    I like the divergence, as there is no point on beating a dead horse right now. I will try to approach her smoothly and figure this out -as i realized that even if she is having sex with someone else, it may not be a deal breaker (I'll take it for what it is now). After all, i remembered that we were "just having fun" (as I've told her a few times myself, reassuringly), and weren't in a serious relationship.

    What I want to figure out, is why she is possibly uncomfortable or reluctant at having sex with me or reluctant in becoming closer. ( I suppose she can be in just for a fun ride, yet not particularly comfortable having sex with me or sex in general. This is what probably hurts my ego, not the other thing)

    so much for jealousy ;)
     
  18. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    Do you have the sort of relationship where you can talk openly and honestly with her? Do you know if it's you she's not comfortable having sex with, or is it sex in general she's not comfortable with? Something I've found along the way is rarely it is the sex the cause of problems in the bedroom. Sex is usually one of the first things to suffer in a bad relationship. Not saying yours is bad, but if you are able to talk to her and find out why your relationship isn't what you'd like, then maybe her answer will give you something to work on. It could just be that with you she only wants a sexual relationship, but maybe she's uncomfortable with herself with a purely sexual relationship if it's ingrained with her she needs to be in an emotional relationship to have sex. Just a thought.

    Just another thought a former girlfriend of mine could not stand to receive oral. In the end she never let me even do it once, even though she had no problem giving oral. But what she did love was for me to slide one or two fingers inside her to massage her g spot. She always came hard when I did that and she loved it.

    My now wife hates me sliding a finger inside her, but loves receiving oral. Each girl is very different in what they like.
     
  19. loveit247

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    And how do you know that I have just hinted? My friend, I have physically shown, taken his hand and done it for him, explained in depth and it still does not happen. I have done this with numerous men. My current partner eventually became angry at me like it was my fault he couldn't do it. So we just switched back to the vibrator. It works for us. We have been together 3 years now and all is great. I have no desire to make him try something that knocks his confidence like that and he has no desire to try again.

    To the OP. I can make myself come with my fingers but don't like to. It is nicer with the vibrator. No, I can't come during intercourse.
     
  20. lbushwalker

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    Ok apologies there loveit24/7 and besides your comment was relevant to the original post.
    BTW I just recently really, like really got to understand, find and properly stimulate my SO's G spot and what a blast!
    I never before fully realised or appreciated how strong the pressure was required to provide pleasure just there.
    Also with regards to vibes and cumming, we recently acquired a We Vibrator which is sort of peg shaped with two vibrating heads; one for the clit and the other internally for the G spot and can be worn during penile penetration sex.
    I can fully recommend this devise as both partners get max and simultaneous mutual stimulation.
    Best of both worlds!