M&F Help! She gives mixed signals

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by RoyaleWithCheese92, Oct 27, 2010.

  1. RoyaleWithCheese92

    RoyaleWithCheese92 New Member

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    Girls and guys, please help. *** I know its long. The bottom is an example of a conversation so you can see firsthand what Im doing. Thanks for reading***

    I seem to always misread signals when it comes to girls. I cant figure out why. Please help. I have had GF's in the past but none recently. My game (especially with girls I don't know) is.... well non existent and it is killing me. I know how to flirt but thats it.

    I cant tell if girls are being friendly or coming one to me. I usually think that girls are flirting with me but I cant tell. I think they see me just as a friend and they are being friendly with me. I honestly don't know why but i think it is because I will push them away before I can get pushed away. The lack of self confidence is not helping and is dwindling more and more. If I am friends with the girls (or know them) then I am more comfortable talking with them, I can flirt real easy and simply be my sarcastic, corky self. However, I don't know if they are responding to me as a friend or flirting.

    I am 20, a Sr. in college and a virgin. Being a virgin bothers me a little. But I am not looking just to go fuck somebody. I cant pinpoint it, but I think its because I just feel alone and unwanted. I think its a reason that I am loosing confidence. Im not worried about what girls think about me being a virgin because I go for the type of girls (not slutty) that usually don't care about that. - I will add, I am not looking the "the right girl" or anything like that, it just hasn't happened yet because I haven't dated lately. The girls I dated in hs, were good girls why were not ready for sex. It didn't bother me. (I was a lote bloomer) Im not asking how to get laid, that will come in due time, I just want to make that clear - I am asking for your input on how to read a girl signals so I can at least have a chance. So I can gain some of that lost confidence, go on some dates. (its hard to put into words) When i do get numbers and start talking to girls... It fizzles quickly. When I ask if they want to go out with me on a date or to a party or something, I will start to see a decrease in interest and contact all together. I know it had a lot to do with confidence. If anyone can give me tips on things to look for or whatever please help.

    This is an expiation of what happened last night. This is a girl I have known since kindergarden (we lost contact). I have always thought she is hot and honestly out of my league. I summarized my conversation I had with her, throwing in some details so to show why I thought she was hitting on me and how I was getting mixed signals all night. . If you see something I don't see. Point it out. Thanks for reading.

    I was on FB last night and I see She is on. I have not talked to her in about 1 year and before that it was a few years. She lives down the street from me and I would see her all the time. I started out just chatting, not intending on flirting o hitting on her at first.
    We started to catch up talking about school and family. She told me she likes a guy but said its really not going anywhere. She also said its my fault we never hung out when we were younger because she said, she is a lady. Lady's are not supposed to ask.

    But then she threw me a curveball and asked if i was gay.... I was confused. She claimed it was a serious question but she didn't think or expect me to say yes. "It just seems that people you don't expect are coming out today" Then told me to ask her if she was a lesbian, which she answered, "no Hahahaha" (idk).

    She called herself cute an I agreed. But then she said im Jk, I don't want you to think that Im full of myself. I made a comeback of, oh its cool im pretty full of myself too, probably a little more than you due to me being taller. She laughed at that. (Laughing at a lame joke...)

    She even went as far as telling me she doesn't do drugs, like sluts, bitches or cheaters. I responded with holy! Im the exact same way!

    She asked my sign. I responded with I don't know, told her my bday and she told me what I was (I forgot) and said. Well thats unfortunate, we can never be together. Then I said, Oh, then thats not my birthday! She laughed hard at this.

    I think she wanted me to ask her for her number or ask her out or something because she said something I didn't understand, then - Your a smart guy, im sure you will figure it out. Goodnight im going to wash my face (idk). I typed "last thing", but she signed off.

    I messaged her, "you got off right as I was going to ask for you didgets... but noooo go was your face... ill talk to you later". Then immediately, I got a message back with her number and " Now hush. and don't call them digets. I'm a lady." I waited about 10 minutes and sent her a text, "You are correct. You are a lady. Thanks for sending me your number." She replied with :)

    -Through out this conversation I was getting mixed signals. But overall I fell like she was hitting on me. At least thats how I perceived it. But I don't no how act on it with out it turing into all the rest. I hope this made since to you. I am open for and suggestions you have.
     
  2. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Dear Royalwithcheese1,

    you know I've got problems myself, so, I don't know what my opinion is worth. But you've got the age of some of my piano students, and I've heard the odd conversation about relationships of people your age.

    I'd say she's just waiting for you to call her. You should call her number and arrange for a date. Be straight forward about it. Like: "Hi, ......... I've really enjoyed talking to you last night. I'd love to talk to you again, face to face this time. Would you like to ....... with me?"

    I'd arrange for picking her up at home. I'd say hello to her parents. It demands some level of confidence and you'd be sending the right signs. You'd also show by it that you do see her as a "lady".

    During the date, be yourself. You write like a very caring person. I'm sure you're special. Really special. I'm sure of it. Any intelligent girl will probably see it, if you're yourself. It'll shine through.

    If you're shy about something, let her know. Talking about it will probably be enough to break the ice, to relax. She's quite straightforward and she probably prefers things that way (clear).

    You don't need to worry about not giving the impression you're after sex. A girl knows.

    What you'd have to be careful about is the opposite. What I mean is that, if you feel like having something more physical with her, take a step in that direction (not on the first date, of course). At least let her know by your words. So that she doesn't feel rejected, as if you didn't like her (physically).

    Hold her hand, if you feel like. If she doesn't like it, refrain from doing it again, but don't take it as a NO. Because she'll think and rethink it at home, and she'll perhaps regret her reaction. Women think a lot. We play and replay things in our minds. We we're not strangers to changing our minds.

    She's obviously preoccupied about being taken seriously (like a lady), so, she'll be sensitive to the way you treat her. Behave your age, but not younger.

    If you talk about sex (in general; it could happen, because she's curious), answer with honesty.

    Good luck!

    .
     
  3. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    HUGE post. But I hope it helps.

    Okay... let me take a crack at this.

    First off, forget that you're a virgin. It doesn't matter and it is irrelevant.

    Secondly, let me tell you something about women. Women are MASTERS of communicating; even if they don't admitt it. I've lived with women my whole life, so let me tell you what this girl was doing and how good of a position you are sitting in. You'll be happy and hopefully motivated.

    She's not giving you "mixed signals", she's giving you "complex signals that you don't understand yet". You have to look at this analytically. First thing's first, girls DO NOT talk to people that they don't want to talk to. This girl had a long and flirty conversation with you after years of distance, at the end of which, she gave you her number. What does that say to you? She wants to talk to you. She probably had a small crush on you back in school and just hadn't ever done anything about it. Now that you're both older and more mature (and confident), she's making herself socially available... IF you can pick up on it and do something about it.

    Secondly, she was feeling you out the whole time; which you did not pick up on. Women, the masters that they are, know how to get the information they want out of us without actually asking for it. Women love confident men who go after what they want. There's nothing like being actively pursued to make you feel like a wanted, sexy lady. She told you that it was your fault that you didn't hang out because you didn't ever ask her to hang out. Let me tell you the undertone here.

    'ahem... (This is me giving you a signal that I'm available, but I'm not going to pursue you; as I am attracted to strong confident men who will pursue me if they are interested in a relationship with me. If you are, in fact, a strong and confident man (who I can also trust to pick up on my signals) then you will undoubtedly take this as a sign to 1. ask me for my number, 2. ask me on a date, 3. make an effort to speak to me more, or 4. openly state your interest in me and push aside all of my signals and pretenses; making them all a moot point, at the end of which I will know that you are DEFINITELY a strong and confident man, i.e. the kind I'd like to start a serious relationship with.) -Choose number 4.

    She said more than once that she's not going to be the chaser. She wants you to ask her out. If you don't, it's no skin off her back. She's played the conversation to the point that; if you don't pursue her, she knows you aren't the kind of guy that she wants ANYWAY, because you're either not confident enough to speak outright about your feelings, or you aren't smart enough to pick up on her signals. No skin off her back.

    ***See what I mean about being Masters of Communication? She's playing a skillful game of shess and you thought you were just typing on a computer. Silly man.***

    Here's where it gets good for you. You're a funny guy. And what's better, SHE thinks you're a funny guy. AND you actually did ask for her number. You've got some game. Remember that. Also remember that she's given you her number after saying everything she said, and in doing so, the ball is in your court. She's not going to call you or write you. She's going to leave it up to you to do, in order to see what kind of man you are (confident, dense, smart, savvy, etc...) And she'll learn all of that by how you decide to or not to contact her.

    Here's your next move. Call her. The sooner the better. In fact, the best thing would have been to call her as soon as you got her number and lay down some more humor about how you're just making sure she didn't fake you out with the number for the Sluts, Bitches, and Cheaters Crisis Hotline. But for now, if you want to pursue this girl, then you've got to call her ASAP. And the message should be simple. You want to take her out on a date. You should already know where, what day, what time, and who's driving. Nothing says, "I'm confidently pursuing you," like letting her know you've put some thought into wooing her. If she say's okay, you're golden. Drop a joke and tell her you've got to go, but you'll call her soon to make sure the date is still on. And DO it.

    Honestly, you're sitting pretty right now. You've got some confidence about you when you're talking on the computer. Just make sure that carries over into in-person speak to. Here's a few pointers to let her know you're a strong confident man.

    Tips:

    -CALL HER.
    You can write or text her, but only as a supplement to speaking with your voice. Print is a shy-man's speech. Use your voice and talk to her. Women appreciate being talked to much more than having a casual text sent their way that they can passively ignore. When you speak to a woman, you are actively engaging her and she will respond to it.

    -Think ahead and have a plan
    Plan dates. There is nothing that says, "I'm a wishey-washey jellyfish" like asking her on a date and then saying "so, where do you want to go?" She doesn't want to decide. She wants you to take her. Now, don't pick a plan and make it stick. You've got to be flexible too if it doesn't work for her.

    -Be a Simple Man (~Lynyrd Skynyrd -Live by this song...)
    Pick a few things that you are as a man and just BE those things. You're funny, confident, polite, and loving/compassionate.
    If you want to hold her hand. Hold her hand. If she pulls away, don't get your feelings hurt. Just say, "Sorry, I just wanted to hold your hand. I really like The Beatles." Open the door for her, walk closely when it's dark, help her out of her chair, and be a gentleman. But don't make a big deal about it. You should do things like that anyway and they really aren't a big deal; how much does it cost you to pull out her chair? A couple calories? But you should still do them. Just forget you did it as soon as it's over with and make it a habbit.

    -Don't try to be someone you aren't
    Because the guy you are is great. Don't try to impress women because they can smell bullshit a mile away and it's unattractive. You know what impresses women? Honesty, sincerity, confidence, and kindness. They appreciate sincerity and respect a man that can be honest about who he is while being genuinely interested in getting to know who she is. Remember, you're a great guy who is a few great characteristics at heart. You have faults, so you aren't full of yourself; but you know what they are and can admit to them, which makes you attractive all over again.



    I went WAAAY over what I was planning on saying, so I'm going to stop right here, but if you're looking for any more advise, I'm an open book. The most important things are to be yourself, be confident about who you are, Focus on her and let her know you're pursuing her, and above all else,

    Be Honest About Your Feelings.

    If you want to take her out. Tell her you want to take her out. If you want to hold her hand, hold her hand. If you think she's beautiful, tell her you think she's beautiful. If you're impressed by something she's said, tell she made and impression on you. If you want to take her out again, tell her you want to take her out again. And if you really like her, TELL HER YOU LIKE HER. Women love to drop signals and see if you'll pick up on them; but if you're strong and confident like this, it sweeps signals right out of the way and women respond to that kind of attitude.

    ~Old Steve-o
     
  4. RoyaleWithCheese92

    RoyaleWithCheese92 New Member

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    Thank you both for responding to this. Pyr, thank you very much. Your advice was great. SteveWaste covered all of your bases and more so I am commenting on both of them so I don’t get repetitive.

    I know me being a virgin doesn’t matter. I have just had that lonely feeling lately and I have been dwelling one it.

    _Last night, it was late and I left something out... Kinda important.
    I mentioned that I am in College. She is back at home and I am 3 hours away... However I am graduating August 2011, but I am moving back in May for a summer long Internship. (I did not get a chance to mention my early graduation to her) I am also planning on going home pretty often next semester, so I can set things up (Job and living wise) for after I graduate. I would still like to call her and ask her to go out with me when I visit over thanksgiving break (the next time I am home), to “grab coffee” or something... I mean, how would that sound asking her out on a date when I haven’t been able to tell her about that? - Do you think I should still ask her out on a date? Does that make a difference?

    First off, you are a fucking genius! You did not type to much. Yes it was lengthy but it makes so much since. Definitely worth the read.

    I felt like I was picking up on her scent but like you pointed out, she was giving complex signals that I didn’t understand, so I wasn’t sure. I know I have game up to this point. But then I fuck up, strike out and get cut from the team. I usualy text too much when I should just call them, but I don’t want to sound like a botard and texting is just easier.

    That being said, I want #4. I I just called her. She didn’t answer. I didn’t leave a message tho. I didn’t want to ask her out on a message or make it sound like I just wanted to catch up (platonic).

    Im pretty sure I read this girl correctly. I just needed advice on the, uh... now what. I never realized it, but do come across as a weak unconfident guy (with girls only) when I am pursuing them. I am not very confident in making decisions as to where to go or what night ect.. (I will get back to this in a second) The only thing that throws me off is that she knows that I am in College. She is giving me a signal she is available. (This is when I get confused...) I don’t know if she was considering this...

    The other way I misread girls, is where I am into them but im not sure if they are just talking to me as a friend... How do I tell the difference? Just because a girl is talking to me does not mean she is interested. And well, girls are flirty so I just don’t know how to read into that. I know I am funny and sweet and all that (I don’t mean/like to brag) but I am like that with everyone. (Does that make me a flirt?) Is there clues that show that they just talking to me as a friend? Even if I get their number, they could just want to hang out as friends right?


    I hope she call’s me back tonight. If not Ill try again tom. But what if she doesn’t pick up?
     
  5. RoyaleWithCheese92

    RoyaleWithCheese92 New Member

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    Holy shit... Up date already. She called me back just now. (spoiler alert) It was a good call ;)

    We chit chatted for a few min. I made 2 jokes aimed at her but not in a mean way. Which she laughed at both of them. It was a quick call which was perfect so there was no awkwardness. I said, "Hey, since you are going to be out of town this weekend, I am going to be back for thanksgiving, and I wanted to see if you wanted to go get a coffee." and she responded with , "Absolutly!".

    Seriously, SteveWast, you are a genius.
     
  6. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    The fact that you know this is literally 80% of the fight. 10% is recognizing when you do it. The other 10% is changing it. If you act more confident and decisive, you will BE more confident and decisive, and will inevitably experience a much healthier and desirable relationship.

    You honestly sound to me like one of "Them Nice Guys" who put women on a pedestal and don't want to appear bossy or disrespectful. So you're careful with girls. Here is where nice guys lose it. Strong, confident women don't want you to be careful with them. They want you to be caring toward them. A lot of nice guys are so afraid of negatively affecting a woman that they keep enough distance to be sure to not affect her at all. That distance causes the relationship to lull into a loose aquaintance or friendship. I am not careful with my lady. We live and behave intensely and without regret. I make mistakes with her and I hurt her feelings. I knew I would going in. But I also take the time and care to make right whatever I do wrong and make sure to do more good than harm. Don't be afraid to hurt her. Take care not to, but know going in that you probably will sooner or later and that you have the care and conscience to make right whatever you do wrong.

    This is honestly where it gets really simple again. (Thankfully)
    You don't have to read women. So there's really no room to misread them. Just look at the situation and identify exactly what it looks like.

    If a girl is actively talking to you, she WANTS to talk to you.
    If a girl gives you her number, she WANTS you to call her.
    If a girl says "Absolutely!" when you ask her to go get coffee, then she wanted you to ask her out and is excited to go out with you.
    If she smiles when you get there, then she's happy to see you.
    If she waits to go into the house when you walk her to the door, then she's waiting for you to do something.

    It's all pretty simple when you strip it down.

    The best advise anyone can give a nervous guy is just to pay as much attention to her as you can. Not everything she does is a signal, but it should be pretty obvious what she's telling you by how she acts.

    If you're up for some more reading on being confident in a relationship (quite a different topic, but there is a parallel) then you can read this other recent thread. Right in the middle there I talk about the differences in how women view "Nice guys" and "Bad boys".

    Let us know how your next phone conversation goes. There should definitely be a few more between now and your date. And you should definitely come up with another date/idea/plan/time/location/activity combination for her if the date you're going on goes well. It'll let her know you've planned ahead and have been thinking about her. Personally I'd talk to her and see what she likes to do between now and then and use that information to plan it. But that's just me.

    ~Steve
     
  7. RoyaleWithCheese92

    RoyaleWithCheese92 New Member

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    Dude, I don't know how you give such great advice, being gay and all from blowing my mind all the time! JK your obviously not. But Serious, when does your book come out? lol

    I am the Nice Guy... Its how I was raised. When you say you are not careful with your lady... What does this mean? What do "Nice Guys" that the "regulars" don't. (haha way ahead of me...) Ill look at that thread.

    Other than calling her last night, I haven't talked to her/texted/fb... I don't want to over do it but at the same time, I want to call/text/fb. What are your thought on how much and often to contact?

    Ill keep you posted.
     
  8. NewHere

    NewHere New Member

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    I might miss the mark on what Steve was trying to say but I will give you my opinion. My guy is a "Nice Guy". but he will still bend me over and spank my ass if we are getting into it hot and heavy lol. Don't handle the girl with kitten gloves. If you are too nice and afraid to hurt her feelings in any way, you will definitely fall into the nice guy/friend category. Don't be afraid to give your opinion on things. And if it conflicts with hers, then it gives you something to talk about. If you are always a push over or agree with everything she says or wants, then it's boring. Who wants to be with a bland double of themselves? I would have gotten bored with my man in less than a month if he didn't tell me no sometimes, or if he had no opinion on anything. Make yourself stand out to her. Sweep her off her feet, but at the same time, don't be a doormat. Be a man, but a gentleman. Hope this makes sense, PM me if you want to talk about it more =)
     
  9. HardRocker

    Gold Member

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    I think he means he doesn't(cliché time) treat her with kid gloves or walk on eggshells so as not to offend her sensibilities. Showing her the respect you would any competent person.

    Risky business telling anyone what Steve might mean, but since he's offline, I just jumped on in with reckless abandon.
     
  10. SWGirl

    SWGirl New Member

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    I'm sure that's exactly what he meant. He's a very real person and is honestly unafraid to say and be who he is. Some people are put off or intimidated by that. C'est la vie. But it's gow you choose to handle the people that you offend that really lets people know what kind of man you are. If you're a "Well tough, that's how it is," type of guy, then that comes off really thick. But if you're a "Well that's just how I feel. If I've hurt your feelings or your views differ, I'm more than ready to discuss it with you," type of guy, then other women will tend to respond much more openly to you. But Hard Rocker is dead on. You should treat women like strong, comptetent people when you speak to us because we are. And in return you'll get the same.

    And NewHere, you and I should be friends:). That is exactly my opinion as well, and most girls aren't really even aware that they're doing it. It's automatic. At least, it was for me until I talked about it.
     
  11. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    Right on the money Hard Rocker and NewHere. And thank you Honey for doing like you do and speaking my mind better than I can sometimes.

    Oops, never gave you the link to that thread did I?
    http://www.sexualforums.com/27836-getting-depressed.html

    And really, it's kind of on you at this point how much you call her or contact her; as it kind of depends on how much you like her. Would you like to date her seriously, or are you just wanting to have a successful date? Or are you at the impasse where you don't know enough about her to make that decision?

    If you really like her, I'd call her ever couple of days to tell her you're thinking about her and see what's up in her life. That'll kill at least 10 minutes, which is a decent phone call. However, I've been known to get caught up and spend an entire night on the phone with a girl I liked. So you can see where you're kind of in the best position to make these decisions now.
    Be honest with yourself and her about how you feel, just make sure to not get caught up in the newness of it all and lose yourself in your emotions. I've known too many nice guys who get to know and like a girl and make that huge leap to "I'm in love with you," which is just a very big step to an adult woman who isn't just in love with the idea of being in love. You don't really even know someone enough to fall in love with them until you've spent a GOOD deal of time with them. "This is the psychologist in me talking. There is a good portion of women (~18%) who believe in "love at first sight". ~2% of men believe in it." But for most confident and mature adult women, that is quite a step in a relationship, and to take it quickly and brazenly doesn't show confidence or compassion, but rather a bit of immaturity and a lack of understanding of what love really is.

    So just be careful, don't get caught up in the swiftness of it and go too fast, be honest with yourself and her about how you feel, ask her to do the same, take charge and be confident, and call her with a frequency proportionate to you level of interest in her. Don't play phone games with her. There's no "waiting period" for calling a girl, and there's no "phone etiquette" for what to and not to say. Relationships are an exchange. Just be open and show her what cards you're holding. I'm sure it'll work out fine.

    ~Steve
     
  12. NaughtyKnickers

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    Best of luck to you, Royal. The guys here have given you excellent advice, I wish all men were this intuitive.
    :tup
     
  13. RoyaleWithCheese92

    RoyaleWithCheese92 New Member

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    I know. I hit relationship jackpot.

    SteveWaste: I have always had a crush on her growing up but (2 years apart in age) is a big deal in middle and H.S. and dated girls my own age. But Im almost 21, and 2 years is nothing... Especially since I have known her so long. So I am interested to see where this goes and yes, possibly start up a relationship.

    The only reason I have asked about the whole contact, how much and what not, is because, I usually text a lot. Once I have a girls number, I text her a lot. Every day and night. But I get to that comfortable stage of texting and its weird when I call and ask her out. I don't know if its the texting only that does this or the fact that I have not been up front with her (using the texting to get to know her and what not). I just don't want to turn into that guy (like usual) where I nag her too much.. But so she knows she is on my mind too I guess.

    As for the whole love thing. Yea, Im NOT the kind of guy that fall's in love to quickly or tells a girl that I love them too early. I have only told one girl I loved her (my Ex) and I meant it.

    I think I use texting because, if she is at work or class or just hanging out with a friend, it is easier to answer... But I do think it is better to call. I am going to try and work on that too. (She mentioned ichating too so that will be good, Get some face time!)
     
  14. NewHere

    NewHere New Member

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    When I first started talking to my man, we used to text all the time. It was a "safe way" to talk. It is a little more impersonal so it makes it easier. I was really shy about finding out what he was looking for in a girl and life in general. I had just gotten out of a bad marriage and was going through the divorce. While I wasn't looking for someone to jump into another marriage with, I knew I didn't want to waste time with someone that had completely different goals.

    He likes to tease me because one day I decided to get it all out in the open. I send him 5 or 6 texts asking him his opinions about kids, marriage, work, everything important to me lol. He calls it "the day I grilled him". :p Happily he passed hehe.

    I think with the technology we have now, (e-mail, text messages, and voice mail) it makes it easier to get to know someone without putting yourself out there too much. Just be sure to not let that technology take the personal connection out of it. If you do all of your talking that way, then you are really forming a connection with who your perceive them to be. This might not be who they actually are. It is good to see the body language and hear the tone of voice they use when communicate with you. That might tell you a lot more about them than just what they are saying or typing.
     
  15. NewHere

    NewHere New Member

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    We actually share a lot of the same opinions :) I love reading your posts because they are always well thought out and never judgmental. I'm glad you joined the forum.
     
  16. HardRocker

    Gold Member

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    I still haven't decided how I think texting should fit into relationships, whether casual or more serious. My son is almost 26 now and I've watched how it developed into a mainstream way to connect for his generation. While I thought of it as a utilitarian convenience (especially before phones were QWERTY), his crowd embraced it as a way to stay with each other 24/7.

    At that time in my life, I always enjoyed my alone time when I could be with my own thoughts and concentrate on whatever I was doing; usually building something or tearing it apart, reading, or just thinking. I was occupied with things that I could not have done a good job on with the hindrance of a chirping phone breaking my concentration, connected to an expectant friend awaiting a reply... Okay, sorry; that turned into an editorial.

    Anyway NewHere drove home an important point. Texting is a little closer than the internet, but still a very incomplete form of communication, ripe for misunderstandings. Every generation sets their methods of operation whether their parents' gen thinks it's unhealthy or not. Can I tell someone who is a part of the electronically connected mainstream to lay off texting because it can be counterproductive? Of course not, it's the way they live. But as an intelligent observer, I do think it makes life more confusing. Damn, I'm editorializing again. Sorry Cheese. I don't think I said anything you could use as advice in all that.