Low and no sex intimate relationships

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by touchzing, Sep 11, 2004.

  1. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    I was wondering if any others in this forum had been in long term sexless, or low sex relationships. I am in the second one of my life. I was married for fifteen years to a wonderful lady who had little or no desire for sex. When I divorced I swore I would never be in a long term low sex relationship again.

    Well, here I am. I have been in an emotionally intimate relationship with a woman I love for over ten years. I discovered early in our relationship that she only had sexually feelings when she was drunk. (I believe she was sexually abused as a child even though she denys she was). Within the first few months I tired of sloppy drunken sex. Our sexual contact has dwindled to once a year or less and I don’t look forward to it. We don’t live together so occasionally I have sex with a fuck buddy but it feels like I am back in the same rut I was in when I was married. Has any one else experienced this?
     
  2. Logger

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    I can identify with the concept. My marriage does not produce paticipatory intercourse but once every month or two.

    How long can I expect to keep my wife interested, if i am unable to get sex initiate but every so often? I prefer sex in the morning, when waking up, but my wife does not like to have sex with me in the morning, but very seldom. I compromise with her desired timng of when she is going to sleep, every once in a while. Still get rejected sometimes. I guess as long as I am politely intiating sex, and she is rejcting me, then I am putting it out there for her, if she wants it. i just put on a porn fick after my wife leaves for work and enjoy whacking off. My batteries were running low in my remote, but since I put in new AA bateries, I can get slow motion and reverse. Some DVD's have Zoom.

    But lately I am becoming more interested in the concpet of trust. There are a num,ber of trust issues i have with my wife. My W throws things away without dicussing things with me, for one thing. I think I should have married a woman with smaller teats so I would have less trust issues.

    How does trust stack up for you?
     
  3. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    I think I should have married a woman with smaller teats so I would have less trust issues.

    I don't understand this statement? What are teats?

    It sounds as though you also remain in a low sex relationship. Other than being sexually frustrating is your relationship statisfying in other ways?
     
  4. Logger

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    I just whack off when I am frustrated, so the lack of intercourse is not much of a source of frustration for me. My wife tolerates heavy petting, particularly when she is sleeping.

    I changed subjects when I mentioned teats. Teats is another word for breasts. I first started dating a lovely lady, when I was young, who had small breasts. I thought, if I bring her to meet my big-time friends, they will look down on her and me. My high school friends and I used to oggle girls with big breasts. I stopped calling her.

    Now I think I might have fewer trust issues if I had chosen a woman with smaller breasts.

    In Asgtrolgy, a square in the stars makes for conflict. But it also creates interest and passion. My wife and I are nearly square in our sun signs. There is attraction and passion, but not tranquility, compassion. or consideration.

    Blessings
     
  5. frootloop

    frootloop New Member

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    first of all, logger, i take exception to your claim that if you had married a woman with smaller breasts, you would have fewer trust issues. that to me seems a badly-thought out statement with no factual basis. trust issues go far deeper than how big your poor wife's breasts are - believe me, i should know.

    secondly. i have just got out of a year-long relationship in which i had grown tired of being the only one who wanted/initated sex. i didn't think i was being unreasonable in how many times i felt like it (maybe 4-5 times a week) but my ex barely wanted it. he had no isues from the past, just a very low sex drive. this evntually drve us apart, even though we had a great relationship in general and loved each other, but the sexual incompatiblity destroyed us. my self-confidence plummeted with each time i was turned down.

    so i stopped initiating it in the hope he would ask of his own accord and hopefully when we did do it, it would therefore be because he did want it. but nothing happened. he was the most loving, caring wonderful bf but the lack of sex just got me to the point where we were no longer working. i tried to explain that i didn';t expect him to give in but that one of us was always ending up disappointing. he too it personally but like i told him, it wasnt prsonal. it was just the way it was. so we split up, and now i would never underestimate the importance of compatible sex drives.
     
  6. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    Fruitloop,

    I too believe a compatible sex drive is important. However, over the years I have remained in relationship with women I wasn’t sexually compatible with because of our friendship, love, and mutual respect. I also agree, it has caused my self confidence to plummet and I constantly feel disappointed in myself and the relationship. This has continually led me to find sexual partners outside of the relationships. As of yet, and I am 50, I haven’t found a woman with a compatible sex drive who I desire to have a long term relationship with.
     
  7. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

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    I had a good talk with a close friend about my situation. She mentioned that I have a pattern of getting into relationships, becoming comfortable, and then only having sex based on my partner’s wants and needs. This pattern has always left me feeling discounted, frustrated, led to me cheating, and finally caused the relationship to end. Ah, now how to change this pattern.
     
  8. Logger

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    Dear Froot Loop,

    Thank you for your comments about my ideas. Perhaps my comment implying that small breasted women are more trustworthy, was inconsiderate to all the trustworthy women who have medium and large breasts. I just mean that trust is an important issue for me now, after some years of marriage, and that issue is more important than having a girl friend who is found atractive by my friends. When I was young, I was very concerned about social acceptance. You might wonder about that, if you knew some of the things I did to create attention. So having a less attractive woman, who is more pleasant, and gives me more conficence, and who is more gracious to my friends, within the bounds of trustworthiness, is more important to me than social acceptance by others.

    I have recently been concerned with Accolades, and sometimes I just have to ask for WTG's, Way to Go. My wife is just not naturally in to atta boys. I sometimes want sex from my wife in the morning, but I often don't try to initiate sex, as my experience is that I will get a rejection. I used to think that some things should be natural, if there was Love. I am working on the 5 Love Lanuages concepts. I don't have the book yet. Love is unique for each couple, and I just need to adapt to the Love I now have, and try to make things work, best I can, rather than criticizing the Love for being less than totally Ideal.

    Blessings
     
  9. lancer674

    lancer674 New Member

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    I know exactly what everyone is talking about. I am now seperated on the way to a divorce because a very wonderful woman did not have the same sex drive as I. She is a great mother, an intellectual equal, thoughtful, and kind...and most of all loyal. But our sex drives were so different that it created a situation where I questioned my own attractivness and worth. Felt that if my wife didn't want me like I wanted her then I must not be desired by her like I desired her. This frustration led to late night encounters with pornography where I was never satisfied, needing intimacy, and needing to be desired. This lead a friendship at work to grow into an intimate relationship. I received WTG's and non-sexual intimacy in a way that at that point I did not feel I deserved. I did not anticipate this relationship to go further then that, satisfied with companionship. It did go farther, leading to my unfaithfulness and the break up of my marriage. Non of the things I'm proud of, but the result has been that I am now satisfied, have regained my confidence, and have a sexual partner that matches my drive. In my marriage I had grown accepting of the fact that I would not have it the way that I wanted, did not anticipate leaving. But after it is all said and done, I am extremely happy and content. So, it is bittersweet, but I am on the path to having a relationship that aids me far more then it hinders me.

    When I think of trust I think of loyalty. They seem to be the one in the same to me. I have had long discussions with my girlfriend about this. Relating that I am able to overcome anything but a break in loyalty. This is such a big issue to me that my wife wants me back but because I broke her trust/loyalty in me that I am unwilling to pursue that realtionship because I wouldn't have taken her back if she did the same to me. It's just poisoned to me. Something that we both need to move on from.
     
  10. Logger

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    Dear Lancer 674,

    Your post exemplifies some of the conflicts which I feel in my marriage. Since there are a number of divorces based upon the conflicting ideas you present, the dynamics are also most likely relevant to other couples, as well.

    Since you have apparently resolved your conflicts, advice or questions would probably not be responsive. I read your post when you wrote it, but did not think of anything to add to your ideas.

    Perhaps I am in the risk stage that you describe, where my wife is not providing sex on the frequency or time of day, that I find meaningful. So I am adjusting my interaction with my wife, to not be over-burdening to her, and yet keep my own needs for climaxing fulfilled through pornography.

    I am trying to be pleasant, and contribute to the household, and chores, but my feeling of resentment makes it difficult to do all that I could really do, or should do. I would prefer to stay up later and sleep in later, rather than getting to bed early and getting up earlier to get more things done around the house and for the family. I am ordinarily a procrastinator and oppossitional, so that I don't feel like doing what I probably should do, for my own intersts, and those of the family.

    I feel a conflict between the loyalty of avoidng climaxing with pronography, and loyally waiting for W to give up rejecting my advances. I don't work as well on bills and home projects when I have not climaxed in the morning. I go through phases of waiting for W, till the next day, and the next day after that, to the approach of just getting myself off in the morning, rather than wait for W to get in the mood, someday.

    I am feeling that I should do what I need to do for my own energy management, and not consider climaxing to pornography unfaithful. I am spending more energy worrying about the quandry, than the marriage is worth. So I probably should just fill in getting myself supplemented, and try to be aware of getting excessively withdrawn from W. I should probably keep track on my calendar the number of times I approach W, so that I can be aware if I am droping my attempts to a level to infrequent. That would indicate an over-reliance on porn, instead of making some reasonable attempt to seduce W.

    I'm planning to just do enogh to be reasonable, but not to spend too much time getting over-concerned about the marriage, because my marriage is not really worth the extra energy. I'll just try to do enough to be reasonable. I got married for the purpose of receiving, and giving enthusiasm and energy. Instead I am in a sinkhole.

    Blessings
     
    #10 Logger, Dec 26, 2004
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2004
  11. Logger

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    Dear Lancer 674,

    There are a number of principles by which to guide relationships that you have mentioned, at least indirectly, in your post. I am trying to get a better balance of my own opperrant principles, in relation to a Low Love Relationship.

    Principles you seem to be mentioning:

    1. If your partner is less frequently interested in sex at the times you are interested, this can be supplemented by porn and masturbation. If masturbation is done too often, then attention needed by the partner may be overlooked, and the partner will be even less frequently cooperative. Also, chances when the partner is feeling cooperative, may be overlooked. Therfore, benchmarks to indicate over-indulgence, or missed opportunities, should be reflected upon, to avoid further deterior atrion of the relationship.

    2. If your partner is less frequently intersted in sex, than needed, or is othrwise less than ideally loving, there will be an unfilfilled need, and there are some individuals who are willing to try to help you meet your needs for affection, short of sex, even if you are married. One difficulty is that affection can easily spill over to sex, so getting validating love must be done with a good amount of caution, for not crossing the line.

    3. If you are in a low love relationship, it is possible that a higher level of love relationship is available to you. Therfore, deciding to continue to remain in a low love relationship may turn out to be a regrettable decision, for prolonging the lower level of love, when higher love was reasonably available.

    4. It may seem contradictory, for a feeling of loyalty to develop, when a higher level love is being nurturing, when you are still married. But there could be a stronger bond of loyalty, toward an idividual, who gave affection, when you were suffering in a low love relationship. It may seem a contradiction for assistance with infidelity to lead to a feeling of loyalty. While it would be ideal to get a divorce first, and then search for a new partner or marriage, there is quite often a breakdown in fidelity before divorce.

    So my benchmarks are to be sure that I have adequately attempted to seduce my wife, and that our failure to copulate at times more conducive to my direves, is not something with a quick fix.

    Also, I need benchmarks that I am not being over-reliant upon masturbation as a substitute. Scores should maybe be kept occasionally to see how I am doing. For instance.

    PP, Attemptped to pull off her pants.,

    PO Successfully pulled off her pants.

    LB W lay on back, as if ready for insertion, for X minutes.

    SB unsnapped bra.

    HT holding teats and pubic mound.

    MS Massage back and other muscles.

    PE prematurely ejaculated by dry fucking, and not waiting a reasonable time for W to get on her back.

    KB Knee into my wife's crotch, and getting her hot with my knee while she is on her back.

    AP apply lubricant to her pussy so she can get better action with her clitoris free to move under pressure.

    TR trigger roller appled to wife's musules for erotic stimulation.

    OP Overly prolonging a seduction strategy, so that I am perceived by my wife as overly oppressive.

    So the idea is to monitor my appraches, to see what I can imporve.

    I have a TINY WINDOW relationship with my wife, as she is in the mood for some 10 minutes, ever few days, but it is somewere between 10 PM and 4 AM, and I have to guess when she is ready. I told her to touch my upper arm when she is ready, so far no results. Perhaps I could ask her, "What tome do you think you might be ready to make love tonight?"

    Blessings