Lover hates condom - friend or foe?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by uvKitten, Jul 29, 2007.

?

What would you do?

Poll closed Aug 12, 2007.
  1. Sit him down and talk some sense into him. (tried and hadn't work so far.)

    29.2%
  2. Cut my losses and don't talk to him again, ever.

    45.8%
  3. Both test for STDs, get on the pills, then ditch the condoms. (but we aren't dating.)

    25.0%
  1. uvKitten

    uvKitten New Member

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    I have been in a few puppy love relationships before, but I didn't feel ready to have sex, so I didn't.

    For whatever reasons, I recently slept with a ... friend. He is very attractive, but we weren't dating. We do a lot of outdoors stuff together; we are both serious athelets and we are both quite macho, so I never thought he would think of me as a ... feminine companion.

    One night, after some music and a few drinks, he started to touch me up, and I knew I want him... so I told him to wear a condom... and we did it right there on the living room floor.

    Maybe I was unusually hard to penetrate, or maybe it was my moaning in pain... after a few strokes, he slipped out of me and looked down. When he saw blood, the color drained from his face. I saw shock, remorse, and regret painted all over his handsome face. He banged his head against the furniture, he apologized repeatedly, and lamented that if he knew I was a virgin, he would have leave me alone. He went on to confess that he is a bad boy, that he likes to play, he sleeps with lots of women, and that he really didn't want to hurt me. He apologized over and over again and kept saying that he isn't being fair to me. (I can't help but to chuckle at that, because even as he say so with a tone of remorse, I can't help thinking that's a very macho, egoistic thing to say.)

    I told him I wasn't sorry, that it has been a mutual decision to play; and that all was fair as I wasn't pressured into it.

    So after a few minutes, he pulled himself together, finished our business... we each took a shower, fucked each other again, this time in bed, and more gently... and cuddled each other to sleep.

    Since then, we continue to play outdoor together; but we ended up spending more time playing house together, cooking together, shopping for groceries, repairing stuff, weeding the garden together, and walking the dogs together... and fucking each other nearly everyday, 2-3 times a day.

    After a week or two of playing, he casually told me that it feels much nicer without condom. I responded that I grew up in the AIDS-pandemic era, and I am not about to sleep with a self-admitted play-boy sans-protection. He seemed to respect my decision, and the subject dropped for some times.

    But lately (after going through 3 dozens of condoms in a month...), he is really trying my patience. A few times, after some foreplays, he tried to guide his penis into me without the rubber on, I had to shout to him in a panic, "wait, condom! condom!" Needless to say, I didn't feel so sexy after the fright.

    Then one day, after a lot of hot foreplay, we were both really aroused and ready to attack each others... but then he suddenly looked me in the eyes and pleded, "please, can we do it w/o the rubber just this once? Just let me penetrate once, I promise to pull out after just one stroke..."

    I frowned and shaked my head, I said no, no way.

    So he said "alright" in a tone of defeat... then suddenly tried to push his penis in [w/o the rubber!] I sat up right away, and snapped, "I said NO!" He gave me a sheepish, guilty smile and reached for the condom at the bed side table...

    How could this be? Here is this guy who insisted that I wear my protective gears when I do "extreme sports" (even though I am very confident in my skills and abilities and feel certain that I won't need them); here is this guy that made me swear to come back alive; who insists for me to wear his home-made "protective talisman," before he would let me leave for an extensive trip; but, hello!!?? How could this same guy so readily expose me to the risk of pregnancy and possibly STD!!??? (He knows I am not on the pills, he admits that he didn't use protection when he slept with his "steady girlfriends." And he admits that he has not been tested for STDs)

    What's the verdict? Is it ridiculous to insist on using condoms after sleeping with the same guy nearly everyday for a month? Or is he a shameless, selfish devil wearing the mask of a caring-buddy? If I have resisted so many times already and he kept trying to do me without the rubber, what's the chance that I could sit this macho boy down and talk some sense into him? Lastly... how do I explain to him the feeling of hurt and betrayl he imbued me with when he disregarded my decision and my health, and just go for whatever pleases him?
     
  2. Flame_Tamer

    Flame_Tamer New Member

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    You should both be tested for STD's. If you plan on having sex with anyone you should wear a condom unless your trying to get pregnant, but as active in sports as you claim you probably don't want that right now anyway. The pill would still be a good idea even if your using condoms. just my $.02 worth anyway.
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Firstly, I was appaulled that he tried to do it without a condom, when you adamantly stated "NO!". Doesn't sound like a keeper. Sounds like a guy who wants his own way, no matter what.

    Now AFTER you ditch this loser, and you perhaps find someone else with whom you are monogamous, you can request he (and you, to be fair) get an STD testing. If it is less than 3 or so months that the two of you have been monogamous, you will need a second testing, to be sure.

    It is not rude to ask for a testing, if he wants to go 'naked'. Especially since this particular guy seems to have been a player. You are talking about your life, here!
     
  4. Dreama

    Gold Member

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    Wow. Tell him that if he really cares about you, that he needs to understand that you don't play without a condom. Ask him to get tested, or you're finished with him. And, do not give in. Always stick to your guns, no matter what. It's your life, and if it gets screwed up, it should be a decision you've made.
     
  5. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    Yes, this.

    I think it's cool that you're so informed and responsible about protection. I'd cut my losses with this guy.
     
  6. I.Hollywould

    I.Hollywould New Member

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    Doesn't sound like he takes you or your relationship (casual as it may be) seriously. You deserve better. As Halogen said, cut your losses.
     
  7. kmanagr

    kmanagr New Member

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    been said , stick to your guns. I being one of them guys are shitheads. Keep it wrapped
     
  8. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    He seems to be totally disregarding the risks of having sex without protection, and doesn't seem to care very much for your welfare either.
    If you were dating then i would say to get tested etc but as it is casual, and he is maybe having unprotected sex with others i would say to let him go and find someone who cares about you.
     
  9. Miss-Honey-Bee

    Miss-Honey-Bee New Member

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    I'd get rid of him. He clearly has no respect for you, your wishes, your welfare etc.

    There are many more men out there who would respect you.

    Yea, the sex might be good, are pregnancy, or STD which could lead to infertility and all sorts of nasty things on your list of things to do at the moment?

    x
     
    #9 Miss-Honey-Bee, Jul 30, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2007
  10. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I totally agree with the posters above.
    Ditch Him fast, then visit the Doc.

    Hiker
     
  11. cook74

    Gold Member

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    Lets not get to hasty here, theres no reason to ditch the guy, just get him tested and make sure he keeps the rubber on if you think he is still sleeping around.

    Only ditch your lover because you want to, if there is something thats troubling you about the relationship then try to sort out those issues with him before you pull the plug.

    Otherwise you might also lose someone that seems like a friend as well.
     
  12. Bluesy

    Gold Member

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    I couldn't have said it better :tup His behavior has been so flagrantly selfish and disrespectful (trying to slip it in stealthily!), I would never trust him to remain monogamous. Herpes is spread via skin-to-skin contact, so his penis shouldn't be anywhere near your genitals without a condom! Not to mention, condoms aren't full-proof protection from the virus, and considering that he's a self-professed "playboy", I'd say that he's already put your health at risk with his assinine bedroom antics.
     
  13. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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  14. uvKitten

    uvKitten New Member

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    ty

    Thanks everybody for the responses. The verdict is clear; unfortunatelly, I have too much to lose if I burn this bridge; we do some pretty crazy shit together in sports and I don't think I will ever be able to find another buddy who would support me in my decisions like he does. So I voted for ... talk some sense into the boy.

    I thought about waiting until he tries again and THEN talk to him; because it's not exactly a nice and easy subject. But if we can't even talk about safety and hygene, then I don't think we have the mutual respects and maturity to plan a long trip together anyways.

    But I still don't get it. How can he be so safety-oriented, informed and disciplined in sport, but so disgustingly irresponsible in bed??
     
  15. Nuggets

    Nuggets New Member

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    Maybe he's a little selfish or just too horny. Sex can make people do crazy things.
     
  16. Dreama

    Gold Member

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    I think a lot of men have an immortality complex, thinking that they cannot die or be harmed. I suspect this may be the case for your friend. This may stem from all of the extreme sports he is involved in, and the fact that he is not dead as a result of doing them.
    Anyway, if someone thinks that they can't get hurt, why would they bother protecting themselves with something so (seemingly) insignificant? Just a guess...
     
  17. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

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    Even if you are both tested for STDs, the fact that you say he sleeps around makes it a risky choice for sex without a condom even if you are on the pill or use another form of B/C. Even if the STD test comes back clean there is still an incubation period where the test would not show up positive. HBV can range from 45-180 days, HCV can range from 2-26 weeks and HIV can be 10-12 years.

    If you're going to continue to have a friends with benefits relation with this guy, you need to both have protection.
     
  18. miss mary

    miss mary New Member

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    both getting tested is not enough, as others have said, since you aren't in a monogomous relationship. i'd also like to add that i picked the ditch him option, but that i don't think you necessarily have to never talk to him again. altho difficult you could try going back to being just friends.

    right now he doesn't deserve you as a lover. if he isn't interested in being friends without sex then he doesn't deserve you as a friend either.

    also, you said you want to try to talk to him again but will wait til he tries it again... i think this is a very bad idea. it's always better to talk when you both have a clear head, not in the middle of sex

    good luck
     
  19. Bluesy

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    Very much in agreement. Something else to keep in mind is that viruses like Herpes and HPV are spread via skin-to-skin contact. Letting his unsheathed "playboy" dick get near your vagina one more time could be that definining incident in which you catch something from him. Is your health worth taking such a risk? Come on, he's not worth that.